I need help breaking up with my boyfriendmedical issue

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by luvdogs, Sep 24, 2008.

  1. luvdogs

    luvdogs New Member

    The reason it's a medical issue is because being with him makes me sicker. He goes through periods of toxic anger, and vents at me. I tend to store the stress in my body. I used to get depressed, now it's my body that reacts to stress (any kind of stress).

    I think my relationship is kind of like an addiction, because I have tried to break up with him over and over, and then I always cave in in the end. Either he apologizes (which is rare), the anger stops, or if I'm talking about breaking up, he cries, which always gets to me. I'm a real weenie when it comes to asserting myself, because my Mom never never asserted herself with my Dad.

    Ok, so here are the issues. No physical abuse, but ... he vacillates between being calm and being very angry. It's the anger that gets me. He gets angry about seemingly nothing; a lot of the time I have no idea why he's even angry. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells during these periods.

    Also, he's an obsessive hoarder. Now, he's never been diagnosed with OCD or anything like this, but I know a lot about OCD, because my girlfriend runs an OCD clinic, and also because both his mother and his aunt were/are obsessive hoarders to an extreme degree. He just keeps buying and buying and buying stuff, and he doesn't throw things away very often. While our house isn't like his aunt's house, which is horrible, (because I'm constantly cleaning, which also makes me sick), it's a great strain on me. I feel like I'm constantly constantly working on the house, and I have practically no time for anything else. To his credit, he takes out the trash, loads and unloads the diswasher fairly often (but doesn't clean the rest of the kitchen), and cooks me dinner fairly often.

    The reason I'm afraid to break up with my boyfriend is that I'm afraid to be alone. Both my mother and my father died recently, and my sister and I don't get along. I have close friends, but they are scattered all across the country. I only have one close friend where I live, and she's busy all the time. I feel like, as flawed as he is, he is all I have, and of course we do have good times together, (although sex isn't one of them; we hardly ever have sex anymore).

    I am so so afraid to be alone. I already feel very lonely. I am also so afraid of the breakup--the actual rupture, the division of things, the crying, etc. etc. Someone once said breaking up is like tearing a tree out by the roots. I guess I prefer comfort and safety, esp. since my Dad just died.

    How do I leave a relationship that is like an addiction? How do I leave someone with whom I've been together 14-15 years?
  2. 3gs

    3gs New Member

    Wow this one brought back memories.

    There is no lonelier feeling than being in a relationship and feeling alone.

    Please take steps to get out of this abusive mess. Yes it is very hard and scary but its worth it.

    It was one of the best things I ever did and not half as scary as I made it seem. You deserve better you are already doing more in this relationship plus the stress on your health at least alone you would have peace and the strength to maybe make new friends instead of putting up with this boob!

    Is it possible for you to see a counsler? A womans center?

    Iam sorry to hear about your dad I just lost my dad last Dec You are not alone he is still there for you and would want better for you.

    Take care of you first and take small steps towards better things.
  3. CanBrit

    CanBrit Member

    What a struggle for you. I'm sorry for the loss's of your mother and father.

    Many years ago I was married to a physically and verbally abusive man. The only two good things that came out of that relationship was my two children. Even though I left him when they were 4 and 2, they still have issues that affect them. That's almost 30 years later!

    I'd suggest that you find some counselling for yourself. It seems your living out the same life as your mother did. In order to break free of this abuse (verbal abuse is just as harmful as physical), you'll need to understand how you got there and start working on your self esteem and self worth.

    I can remember saying that I loved my husband, but I didn't like him. Well, that's not love. That's dependency. It will take an awful lot of work and self awareness to come out of your current state, which is why I recommend counselling.

    Maybe there's some services through your church or local government? It's really important to understand why we make the choices we do, before we can change and make sure we don't repeat the past.

    Counselling for me was a life saver. I've been married now for 10 years to the most wonderful man. He's become a father figure to my adult children and a wonderful "papa" to my lovely grandchildren. Life gets better...

    All the best,

  4. luvdogs

    luvdogs New Member

    especially about the couselling. I started with a counselor when my Dad died, which was the day after my surgery, so it was a very stressful time for me, but we didn't talk much about the relationship. She recognized issues of abuse in me, which is funny, because I never thought of myself as an abused person, but a) my paternal grandmother abused me physically and mentally, b) I was sexually harrassed a number of times when I was younger (and prettier), and c) my ex-boyfriend tried once to run me over with his car, which he later made out to be a big joke. Ok, so now to the current relationship. As I said, I've never been physically abused. And as far as verbal abuse, he never calls me names or anything like that, and he doesn't restrict whom I can see or what I can do. He just goes through those cycles of being very angry, often for no reason.
    The problem is, it (counselling) costs $100 a session. I can send in the receipts to my insurance co., but it takes awhile to get the reimbursement. Anyway, now that I'm getting life insurance money, I might try again. I really wanted a women's group, which this counselor was going to start, but she keeps changing her mind about it (due to her own schedule).
    You are absolutely right about the codependency, and I recognize this in myself; I just don't know how to get out of it. What kinds of things can one do about codependency, and how do you start changing patterns? Any suggestions?

    Moderators, if I need to move to another board, let me know.

    Thank you for the support
  5. wendysj

    wendysj New Member

    First, I don't think you should have to move boards. I'm sure many of us have had this issue.

    About a year after being diagnosed, I moved in with my boyfriend. I knew I shouldn't but I did anyway. I was so afraid of being alone. I got sicker while I lived there because of the same reasons you are... You get stressed out when you're arguing, your adrenaline flows and that takes the little bit of energy/strength you had and flushes it.

    I finally did leave him after 6 months. One day, after hitting pretty much rock bottom emotionally, I woke up and said to myself, "He's no good for me". That was it. I moved out that weekend. I started feeling much better. I felt like I was finally back in control of my life. I still cried sometimes because I was afraid or just feeling terrible but I just picked up the phone and called someone (mom, friends, etc.) They actually appreciated me letting them in closer to me!

    You need to find the confidence to face the fear... It's hard, counceling will help. Be selfish! You are the only one that knows how you feel and how things make you feel. You have to take care of you.

    Good luck! We'll be here to listen any time you feel lonely!

    Take care.


    Just thought of this... Reba, country singer, has a song and the lyrics are "If I have to be lonely, I'd rather be lonely alone." I sing it any time this topic comes up.
    [This Message was Edited on 09/25/2008]
  6. findmind

    findmind New Member

    First, call the United Way Hotline (ask an operator for the number for your area). They have help for you!

    Next, think about your Self....that's a capital "S" for a reason. Your body knows it has a true Self. It reacts negatively when events around you are not in line with this valid Self.

    Lastly, you already know this, that's why his anger makes you so sick. So stop moping around, woman, and either leave or tell him to.

    You will be fine; in fact, I'll bet you money you will be better!


  7. goofgirl

    goofgirl New Member

    Oh boy, it must feel like you don't have another option but to stay with him, but once you make the decision to leave, so many options will open up to you that right now you can't see. There is a book on codependency "Co-Dependent No More" and "Beyond Co-Dependency" both by Melody Beatie. I would recommend them both to you, as someone who has been co-dependent myself. I would definitely go back to the counsellor; find one who has a "sliding scale" for billing, so if you can't afford the $100, they will charge youu what you can afford. I'm so sorry you lost your parents. I lost my grandparents within a week of each other, and it can definitely feell overwhelming to deal with so much grief all at once. I really hope you find that strong, determined person within yourself to get through this and get rid of the boyfriend. Put your health first. Let us know how you're doing.

    [This Message was Edited on 09/25/2008]
  8. quanked

    quanked Member

    if your really want it. I worked in community of 3,000 in frontier Idaho and even they had a crisis hotline. Any hotline will have information and referral services. The larger the community you live in the better the help (in general) you will find. Crisis centers with a domestic violence program will have groups for adults molested as children, victims of domestic violence and other groups addressing women's issues. Universities and sometimes community colleges have women's centers where you can find some direction.

    Something I found so very wonderful and liberating was women's studies. I thought I was a misfit because of my way of believing that women are humans too. I came from a long history of different kinds of abuses. I learned that this kind of history was not uncommon. I am having a difficult time saying what I want to say here. My brain just does not work a great deal of the time.

    Therapists with education in women's issues often offer a sliding fee scale. When I was in school I used a service provided by the YWCA. I saw a therpist in training at our university for a very small fee at the YWCA site. At another time I use to pay my therapist the co-payment at my appointment and leave her office with the bill which I would mail and the insurance company paid her directly.

    It is amazing what therapy can do for an individual ready for change. I still reap the benefits of my time in therapy. I enjoy being alone a most of the time but this was not always true. I feel I am a stronger person for having learned to sit still with myself and be by myself. I would not trade this ability for anything.

    Based on what you say you seem very unhappy and lonely so being with someone does not seem to be meeting your needs. What do you fear about being alone? What will happen if you are alone? What does it mean to you to be alone? Have you ever been alone? Are you comfortable in your relationship and do you feel safe? Do the good times you have with him outweigh the bad times when he is angry? Is his anger your only issue with him? Do you think that he might have some kind of disorder due to his unpredictable anger? Do you discuss your feelings about his outbursts of anger with him? Is he concerned about his behavior?

    Your bio does not say if you have cfs/fibro. You do indicate that you have applied for disability and was turned down. Are you pursuing this denial further?

    How many more years do you want to put into this relationship? Do you believe that things can and will change in your relationship given enough time?

    These questions and their answers are for you not me. There are many more questions that you can ask yourself. In the end you have to be ready for the answers and ready to take action if action is needed. Some final questions you might want to ask yourself are-- what would you tell a beloved friend or daughter to do in such a situation as yours? What would you want for this person that you care deeply about? Do you love yourself any less?

    What you say you want to do is not easy but it is doable.
  9. luvdogs

    luvdogs New Member

    No progress with the relationship issue. You are all right about therapy. My father passed away in August (as I think I indicated in my post), and I will be getting life insurance money, so I should be able to afford some kind of therapy. One of the therapists nearby was going to lead a women's group, but she keeps fudging about it, most likely because her own mother is near death, and other reasons. That's what I would really have liked. And yes there are women's groups for women who have been abused. There is an OASIS nearby, in a larger town. I feel kind of stupid going to a group for abused women though. Am I really being abused in the relationship I'm in? Certainly not physically. Most internet sites define verbal abuse as calling your partner names, belittling her, and placing constraints on what she can and cannot do or where she can or cannot go.

    Jim has not done any of these things. He called me the bi word once, and I told him if he ever used that word again, or any other derogatory word for women, I would leave him instantly. So.... he doesn't call me names. I'm not sure if he belittles me or not. I can't remember what our arguments were about. Mostly they're about his getting his way as much as possible. He probably has belittled me in some ways. He doesn't place constraints on me, except that he doesn't like it when I travel with my girlfriends (i.e. without him). Also, he doesn't really want my best friend Peter to come visit me, because I slept with him once (Peter), about twenty years ago. Peter is in an serious relationship with his girlfriend.

    I'm not allowed to have a cat, but that's because he's allergic to cats (as am I, but I don't care).

    Here's what he does do, in short: He goes through cycles where he gets really angry, and I don't even know what he's angry about. He all of a sudden yells at me, out of nowhere, boom! Once he woke me up in the middle of the night and yelled at me, because he had tripped over the vacuum cleaner, which was in the middle of the hallway. He thought I had left it there, but it was actually the housekeeper who had left it there. Another time he yelled at me because I took the wrong exit. I was so discombulated, I almost had a wreck.

    The other thing he does is, he'll get angry if he's not getting his way. He is supportive, but only when he wants to be. When I had cancer, he was very supportive, but that was basically because he thought I might die ( to put it bluntly). However, on another occasion, when my pulse rate was really high, he wouldn't drive me to the emergency room, because he felt like I was exagerrating. I drove to the ER by myself, and he never came, even when they triaged me, and the doc. felt it was a fairly serious issue.

    My fibro/CFS doc. was really surprised when I came alone to the first appointment. He said none of his patients who have serious partners has ever come to the first appt. without his/her partner. Also, I have to drive two hours to get to the appt., and there were times when I would fall asleep in the car. Dr. Lapp could not figure out why Jim wouldn't drive me. I told Jim Dr. Lapp had said that, and Jim told me Dr. Lapp could go to h---.

    Then there are the hurtful comments. We were on vacation in a nice hotel in Washington DC. We were going to the Smithsonian, and eating at nice restaurants. Anyway, I tried to initiate sex in the hotel, and he said, "I didn't come here to f---," insinuating that he had mostly come to see the museums. He loves the Smithsonian. On that note, sex is pretty much a nonexistent component of our relationship, at least for the last six months or so. And he won't talk about it, except he says he's still attracted to me.

    I'm going on too long, and I can't really describe a thirteen-year relationship, anyway. Also, I realize that you guys can't judge our relationship. Except for one more thing. He is the messiest person I have ever met. He's a hoarder too, and the house is an incredible mess. I have never lived like that, and several people who have come over have made (in a nice way) comments about the hoarding. These are girlfriends with whom I talk about the relationship anyway. At least three friends of mine have been shocked about the state of our kitchen.

    Just to give both sides--he can be really nice. And when he's not in an angry cycle, we get along pretty well. The last time he was really angry though, it was so bad, and the circumstances were so weird, I was pretty damned near ready to leave. I almost did. Almost. I guess I'm sort of waiting around for another situation like that. I know that's kind of stupid.

    Quanked, I thought your post was very thoughtful. I know my bio is kind of dumb; I'll have to change it. I have both CFS and fibromyalgia. I don't know how to answer your questions. I'll have to think about them. They are good questions though.

    And the end of my long post brings me back to my original question. Am I being abused? Is this abuse? Am I the only one who can answer this question? Do I really belong in a support group among women who have been beaten up, and who might even end up getting killed, or who are being called awful names?

    PS Quanked, I tried to answer some of your questions in a separate post.
    [This Message was Edited on 09/28/2008]
    [This Message was Edited on 09/28/2008]
    [This Message was Edited on 09/28/2008]
  10. justjanelle

    justjanelle New Member

    but I hope you'll think about it.... if you're afraid of him when he's angry -- then it's abuse.

    Very simple.

    I think what's going on is that your instinct is right on track and is afraid, but your conscious mind is rationalizing it and trying to over-rule your instinct. But instinct is there for a reason, to protect us and get us away from danger. It's rarely wrong.

    Best wishes,
  11. vannafeelbettr

    vannafeelbettr New Member

    I've noticed when I am away from home ,even at a store, I feel better. I'm not too bad with pain at home until my husband comes home from work. He kept a secret about himself from me and I found out after a year of marriage after my first son was born. He is addicted to prescription drugs. And I'm sure he feels he hit the jackpot when I got in a car accident and ended up with FM.... a never-ending supply of percocets! The thing about him that makes me "SICK" is no matter where I hide my pills, he finds them and eats so many of them that I think he is a glutton and a pig and the sight of him makes me sick. My advice is like every elses, to get out!! Perhaps, if you get to feeling better one day (because the toxic BF is out of your life), you can maybe work again, forge new friendships, etc.

    I've always promised myself, if I am ever unhappy, it will because I make myself unhappy, not somebody else.

    Good luck to you!! Learn to love yourself more and be on your own. You WILL be stronger for it:)
  12. luvdogs

    luvdogs New Member

    Ok guys, I think I'm finally going to try the Oasis in Boone. They have a support group that meets Thursday nights. I still feel stupid going to it, especially since my boyfriend is in a "nice" phase right now. But I guess I'll give it a try.

    I think he knows that I'm on the alert, because he found a book I was reading about women who are afraid to leave bad relationships. He asked me tonight, "Are you mad at me?" And I said I wasn't, but that I was having trouble dealing with his angry phases. He didn't respond, but I think he's starting to realize I might leave the relationship if he acts up. Maybe things will get better; I don't know. But I still don't want to live in a cluttered up house.

    Also, thanks so much for your help!
    [This Message was Edited on 09/29/2008]