I need some advice

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by lrning2cope, Aug 4, 2008.

  1. lrning2cope

    lrning2cope New Member

    Here's the situation :

    My daughter came up to me after church yesterday and said " You know that other lady who has really bad fibromyalgia like you mom ?" "She offered to pay me to clean for her once a week . "

    My daughter doesn't help with the cleaning for me at all . This really hurts and makes me mad . I even said to her that I wish I had money to pay someone to help me clean and she just kind of didn't say anything but made a kind of'huh' sound. My daughter is an immature 20 . She lives with me but spends most of her time away from the house.

    What should I do ? I have asked her repeatedly to help me and she always promises that she will but never follows though. I just am so tired and in pain most of the time it is hard to 'fight' this .


    LEFTYGG Member

    i have the same thing my grown son lived here free with girlfriend. one day i said i hated the way my house looked.

    she worked for claning company and said oh theyd only charge me a $100 i should get them

    i told my son and he asked her she didnt know what to say they are so dumb.its really frustrating i usually end up throwing a fit.

    sorry youre in same position i never thought my house would look like this in my latter years. we have an apt on property im thinking of moving into and let them have mess.

    love gail
  3. lillieblake

    lillieblake New Member

    It's your house, kick them out.

    My son wouldn't follow the rules, I let him live there until he was 18, then I said "Goodbye" Come back when you can follow my rules.

    He visits, and the last time he said to me "I love you, I don't tell you enough but I do."

    He is now 23.

    Good luck, Lillie
  4. lrning2cope

    lrning2cope New Member

    I appreciate all that everyone has said. I keep telling myself it isn't my fault ,but then I think that I must have done something wrong when I raised my daughter. She was 12 when I left my husband , and I know for a while I was too lenient(sp) .

    The thing is , even though I was too lenient for a while , she is very responsible outside of the home , like some of you said your kids are . She is an 4.00+ student , she works and much more. I know she doesn't like the mess either . My guess is she keeps herself busy so she doesn't have to live with it . I have even said to her that I have to be here all day but you can get away.

    Every time I try to clean , she starts in too , so my guess is maybe she resents that I am so helpless sometimes ? Is that immaturity or is that just normal ? My guilt in this makes me think that she shouldn't have to help because she is so busy and I can't help as much as I should and .....

    But it is still a mess and depressing. Maybe I could ask someone from church to help . On days when I am in pain I just don't care and then I come out of the pain and fog and wonder how at my age I can be in this kind of mess. I always had so many plans for my life. Being in a tiny apartment hardly mobile in the middle of this mess wasn't in the plans and it just plain stinks.

    Sorry about the rambling. I do appreciate all the advice and I will use it to decide what to do next .

  5. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Time to set some ground rules - don't make any excuses for her or take any from her. She's 20 years old. She can and should help around the house. It doesn't matter what the reason is that she doesn't 'like' to - I mean who really likes to. There are tons of things we have to do as we grow up that we don't want to do, but we do. It's called being a responsible adult.
    You're not doing her any favors by letting her get away with NOT helping.
    Does she pay rent? If not, she can work in exchange for it.
    Heck, even if she did pay rent, you do your share around the house.

    Once you set the rules (and follow through), you wont have to fight it all the time.
    That's my 2 cents worth. =)
  6. texangal81

    texangal81 New Member

    I would simply tell your daughter "I need help with my house too, since I can't afford to pay anyone, you will have to help me by giving me half your housekeeping money for rent". Maybe that will start her thinking!

    When I had my house 2 years ago, my daughter and grandson moved in with me and she paid rent because she knew it was the only way I could keep the house, utilities, etc. She was 20 at the time and held down a very responsible job. Because she paid rent, I allowed her to treat the house as her home too and let her boyfriend spend the night. I lot of people criticized me for it, but it was HER house too. Plus I could sympathize. When I was with my ex-fiance, both of our parents were old fashioned, so no sleeping together under the same roof.

    I guess I'm just a wild child *L*
  7. kellyann

    kellyann New Member

    Your daughter sounds just like mine! I have a 18 year old daughter that does not like to help me clean much. And I have a 4 year old and a 18 month old to take care of every day too. It is so hrd as sick as I am to try to keep the house cleaned up and the kids taken care of. And my daughter is about to have a baby any minute! She is nine months pregnant! So we will have another baby in the house!
    I pray to God she takes care of the baby herself because I have enough on me. She lives with me and my husband. My husband comes home from work and is constantly yelling at her for something or other. I can't bear the stress! He yells a lot about the house being a mess. It's not totally her fault, but she could be alot more help than she is. She is really lazy. I do as much as I possiby can. I take a ton of meds: 3 doses a day Precocet,effexor, topamax,2 doses a day lyrica, trazadone, klopin(sp)as needed for nerves.plus other stuff. All needed just to get through the day because I am in so much pain every single day and I hate it! Kids just don't get it, that if we could do it we would! I hate living in a messy house, I can't stand it.

    I'm praying for you!
  8. lrning2cope

    lrning2cope New Member

    I hear many things that I really need to do reguardless of how I feel and I am going to start by writing out a chart of what the ground rules are . That is a really good idea . She already pays for the phone and electric so she is contributing

    I really think the problem here is not my daughter but me.
    I used to go to co-dependents anonymous right after my divorce and from reading back through the posts here,it sounds like I could use some meetings. I am the one who needs to make some rules and enforce them .

    Thank you , all , for telling it like it is and for the offers of cleaning help ! The support here is just so wonderful. Counseling is a good idea . We were going down that road before all this fibro stuff started .

    It is time for me to start moving forward despite my pain and fatigue problems . Life goes on , and although the struggle is sometimes great I want a better atmosphere to live in . BTW , my daughter and I get along wonderfully except for this 1 problem . It is the only thing that we have any contention about.


  9. bre_ann

    bre_ann New Member

    have been twins separated at birth.
    I didn't read all the posts here because I stopped at yours. Mine is 21 and would do exactly the same thing. I'm not kicking her out so please, no one post that I should. I'd love for her to be less self-centered but I'm not kicking her out. She isn't financially stable to be on her own yet and I'm not about to make it worse.
    I just wish she would be more sympathetic and I understand what Holly's going through.
  10. Mine is 18 and he doesn' do anything but I am grateful he is not out partying like most kids his age.I remember being that selfish at that age so maybe there is hope for them all. LOL Ruthie
  11. lrning2cope

    lrning2cope New Member

    Thank you so much for your post. It is so nice to hear from someone who knows what it is like. There is NO WAY that I would kick my daughter out either. Oh , and guess what ? I woke up with the most incredible pain that I have had in a long time. My daughter must have seen me suffering and she has been cleaning for 3 hours straight . I never said anything , she just started.

    Has someone been praying ?

    I am going to pray for everyone else who has this situation too. Miracles happen ! I am so happy .


    LISALOO New Member

    I came from a family of neatfreaks, my sister could tell when someting moved a milimeter when my mom duster and freaked.

    I was the mess. If something was on the ground, it went to the garbage. Once was enough to learn that lesson.

    I also paid rent after college. And food, and my phone bill. Yeah, I resented it then, because i was working, but starting wages are low.
  13. TXFMmom

    TXFMmom New Member

    Okay, the first thing you need to do is to announce that you are no longer your daughter's honey Daddy.

    List all the household chores, select the ones you absolutely cannot do, and then let her select a few from the ones you can do but shouldn't. Then, tell her that she has to do them in return for living there, eating there, flopping there, and mooching.

    Don't fight with her about whether she does it. Just have the locks changed if she doesn't do them in the time agreed upon, and she'll get the idea. I mean it. Nothing like sleeping in the car or the front porch to stimulate the mind into understanding something.
  14. MsBrandywine

    MsBrandywine Member

    It was back when she still lived at home.. No help.. I had a cleaner come once a week but then they had to cut back....they said if I had 2 grown children in my house and a husband.. that they had other ppl that needed it worse then me.. It was paid for by I guess medicade.. I cant remember now.. it was almost 9 yrs ago.

    Then my son was still at home.. he got married,, he works..they moved away and then moved back in this area.. He comes around but never helps with anything.. I dont ask him to do anything for me... then lo and behold I run into my daughter inlaws Grandmother where they live and shes going on and on about how much help my son is to her.

    He drives Tractor-trailer and is gone 3 wks and home 1 week.. I mean its good that he helps but.. I finally said well its good he helps you.. too bad he cant find time to come help me.. All I need is someone to mow my lawn.. sheeesh.... I have to ask a neighbor to start it for me.. then tuesday night.. I knew it had to be done..

    my balance was so bad.. then when I saw how high it was behind my mobile home.. I asked the neighbor if I give him a few dollars if he could do that small section with his riding mower.. he said sure.. so his son did it.. I felt guilty so I come in and found 2 large cans of pepsi in the back of my cupboardand give to them too.. took me from 5 PM till after 7 Pm to mow a tiny piece of yard but I ended up having to rake up the grass .. there was too much from it being so high!.

    When I moved here my oldest son.. who lives in the area takes about not even 10 minutes to get here.. He said he would do it for me but then he would only show up about every 3 wks.. The ppl that own the park.. She would come down and hollar at me like i was a kid saying I better get my yard mowed? grrrr.. My Dad was doing it but he fell and fractured his skull so he isnt able to do it anymore.. so now I have to do it! regardless of how I feel..
    and that is only outside trying to get help.. Inside well it looks great except for dusting. lol.. That never was one of my most favorite chores..
    Yrs ago.. family .. used to help others? whatever happened to that concept.. Sheeeesh..
    I always went and helped others and didnt expect anything for it.. Times sure have changed!..
    Sure hope everything gets resolved for you my friend!!..
    Hugs, Debbi~

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