I Need some advice

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by sisland, Sep 4, 2007.

  1. sisland

    sisland New Member

    Well as you know my dad is now in the Nursing home,,,well my oldest Brother is telling me i need to be with him at least 2-3 days a week because i'm the only one who's available right now,,,,,

    My sister is in a disarray and He's Runnin' his buisness and his wife works full time and my other Brother doesn't live here,,,,

    so what to do? yes i want to spend more time with my dad but,,,but i feel like i can go and see him once a week and still keep my health in check ,,,,,,,,

    It's so hard For me to feel like i'm the only one that can spend time with Dad ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    I'm just feeling upset and confused right now,,,not quite sure how to handle all of this and if i'm being told what to do and not what i can handle!,,,,,,,,What to do?,,,,

    any thoughts and advice would be very much appreciated!,,,,,,,,,,,Sis
  2. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    Sisland. You tell them you are available one day a week and would they like you to find candidates that THEY can interview and hire to be with your Dad the other two days of the week.

    DO NOT take on the burden by yourself. If you do something once, other people will add it to your permanent job description.

    Why is it always that the female siblings are expected to be the caregivers????

    You don't get into long explanations with the siblings. You don't respond to guilt trips. You just keep repeating your one statement over, and over , and over---no matter how much your siblings try to pull you into the web.

    Keep the monkey equally on THEIR backs. Don't let them dump all of this on you. There is a saying that goes something like this, "the person who does the most gets pooped on the worst."

    Do not go into long explanations. The moment you do, you have lost the solid footing and they will drag you under with guilt trips and whacky-logic.

    You make your statement that you can go one day a week and they will each have to be responsible for one of the other days of the week. They can come themselves, or they can hire someone---but it is THEIR responsibility.

    If you feel up to it, you can help them FIND someone, but it will be THEIR financial responsibility to compensate the person.
  3. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    If you overdo you will end up too fatigued and illish to visit your dad at all; right?

    I used to do things for people that I really didn't want to do. I ended up being resentful and feeling used.

    Then I went thru a stage where I tried to politely explain why I really couldn't drive them to the Los Angeles airport at 3 AM. This just led to long unhappy discussions.

    Now when people ask me to do something that I feel is unreasonable, I don't bother to be polite. I just say one of the following:

    Are you nuts?
    Don't be silly.
    You smokin' funny cigarettes?

    They see immediately that I am not about to be persuaded. If they don't I just say it again. "Now I know you're smokin' something funny.

    See the books mentioned in my profile if you want a better discussion of assertive behaviior.


    Did you check on those books? Well, the joke is one me. They are not there. But I'm sure I attempted to add them to my profile. Anyway they are:

    The Book of No by Susan Newman and
    When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manual Smith.

    The first one is new and the second one is old and I found them both very helpful.

    [This Message was Edited on 09/04/2007]
  4. sisland

    sisland New Member

    Thanks for all your responces! They are all words that are going through my head but i personaly can't come to terms with any of it!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"The conversation began that i would recieve Dad's small older motor home and his car,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,and then it lead into this "You need to get away from your computer" and also you need to change your venue and eventualy you could live up here in Dad's cabin,,,,,,,,,,so it would be easier for you,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,there was also an offer of gas money to be paid while this is going on,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Don't get me wrong i would have to have the Gas money,,,but my car is in pretty good condition,,,,,,,,,what to do want to accept the little Motor Home is older but in good condition,,,But,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,The material end of it is not very important to me ,,,almost feel like its a bribe of sorts,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I've been here for 8 years in this one spot and i really like it! it's nice and i can afford it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,So my conclusion is that thanks all of your advice! i' will go once a week and spend the day with Dad,,,,,,,,thankyou all so much for taking the time to respond and give ne very sound advice!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Sis,,,p.s. Rock,,lol funny cig's,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i will definetly look into the books!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Thankyou all so much!

    [This Message was Edited on 09/05/2007]
  5. sisland

    sisland New Member

    Thanks!! That did make since to me! The very fact that i would normally visit once a month is now not acceptable to me anymore!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I must go as often as i can!

    You were very strong to go as much as you did with school and work and all! I think you are right about people dealing with it all in their own way!

    Since this is a new thing to deal with in my life i guess it seems magnified!,,,,,,,,Also i Realize that my brother is very stressed (Who Isn't),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Thanks Everyone!
    [This Message was Edited on 09/05/2007]
  6. sisland

    sisland New Member

    Hello again!

    Yes thankyou for your compassion! you know what it's like! how brave you and your Mom and family were to take care of your Dad at Home!,,,,,,

    My Mom died of Alhzimers 4 years ago and we all tried to take care of Her at home,,,Especialy my Dad,,,so at the 5th stage of the Disease we also had to put her into this little Nursing home that my Dad is in now,,,,,,,

    Long story short he was there by her side everyday ,,,until she passed away ,,,,,so he got to know all the people who work there,,,,,

    I will take your advice and send cards and call and visit!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Again Thanks for your support!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,S
  7. fivesue

    fivesue New Member

    ...to do what you can do and not what your siblings seem to be pushing on you.

    It has nothing to do with your love for your dad...that is evident; you don't have to kill yourself doing what they want so they will have an excuse not to visit...!

    I'm glad your dad knows these people, made the decision independently...

    Now, just enjoy the visit each week with your dad...sending cards, calling, etc. are a great idea. without your health, you won't be able to visit...I'm sure he understands that.

    Anyway, take care of yourself.


  8. ckball

    ckball New Member

    First I want to say my heart and prayers are with you. I took care of my mom at home for 3 years before OUR Dr put her in a NH. Then OUR Dr told me to go home and take care of myself. It was wonderful to have the same dedicated, compassionet Dr.

    That was 3 years ago. I visit once a week, I take the dogs, she loves them. They know where to go when we get there, I say "let's go see granny" and they are off. I also pay for to have a phone in her room. She got to keep her phone number she had for almost 40 years.

    About your family do not let them dictate your life. You have gotten some really good advice, YOU always come first- WHY? becasue you won't be there later if you don't.

    Running youself down serves no one. But do as I say not as I do,lol- because I have been in a CF flare for 2 days after the last 2 weeks of going none stop because things had to be done and I am the only one that can do it.

    Let your dad decide how often he would like a visit. He may find a lady freind while he is there. At the home my mom is in they do a lot of activities, even outings to lunch or Walmart. They bring the bus that is wheelchair accesible and roll them on.

    They have movie day with old movies, popcorn, ect. You may find he may be happy when he gets settled in. I am not familar with how close your siblings are, but tell them to put up of shut up.

    I had no choice, I am a only child. My only living relatives besides my 32 yo daughter and her 2 kids that live 500 miles away, are my 2 elderly aunts 84 and 80.

    Don't stress and discuss it with your dad, he may not need every day visits if he is having a good time.
    Not all NH are a life sentence for those that want to participate in their activitites. Good luck and take care of you-Carla
  9. sisland

    sisland New Member

    You have no idea how much this all means to me that your helping me!,,,,All of your exsplanations and kindness is so very much appreciated!

    Thanks for Helping me feel not so alone Here! And yes Dad knows my limitations and Believe it or not he actualy understands alot more about this DD than other family members,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,and accepts what i can and can't do for him!

    He has kept going up to the nursing home once a week for Book readings all this time since my Mom passed away,,,,,,,

    So He does like it there and also he has played the Harmonica for years and participates in music hours there and at the Senior Citizens place in town,,

    So now that He's a Resident there it's almost like it was ment to be! He is Definetly the one to make up his mind to be there!,,,,,,,

    Like you all say,,I will and have to just do the Best That i can and go visit as often as possible 1 time a week now and Everyother day phone calls!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    And yes I have to Be the one to dictate my visits "Not them!" ,,,,Please don't get me wrong I love my Brother and his wife,,,,,My Brother Is Power of Att. so there's alot of pressure on him also,,,,,Thanks for prayers and support!,,,,,,,,,,,,sis