I need some advise. Please help

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by nanna4550, May 26, 2006.

  1. nanna4550

    nanna4550 New Member

    Lots of stress is going on in my house. My 20 yr old daughter and her 2 year old moved back home after a breakup with baby's dad. He left her for another woman and my daughter is so angry, it's just so hard to be around.

    I'm also trying to complete an interior decorating course so I can change businesses and today I was trying to set up forms on excel (which I used to know how to use) and spent all day with no forms set up. I just couldn't figure it out or remember how to set it up and I feel so stupid.

    I also feel so bad for my little guy who is having nightmares and having to deal with my daughter's anger at his dad.

    I can't seem to deal with anthing today. Now I am feeling to depressed and low and it's raining and gloomy out.

    Help!!how do I get myself out of this? I'm trying to be supportive to my daughter, but she needs to stop being angry about it. I just blew up at her on the phone and said I couldn't deal with her anymore and she needs to move out.
    But I don't want my grandson to be at her mercy either.
    I just want to cry, but Iknow I need to take positive steps for him. How do I help my daughter through this without losing it myself??
    Please help me.
    LOL, Nanna
  2. mainerose

    mainerose New Member

    it is so hard to deal with all that you must deal with. there is no easy solution. just love your daughter and grandson. you can draw some boundrys about what you can put up with and what you can not. let her know that you are there for her and will listen.

    i can not figure excel out sometimes i took it a year ago in collage and it was one of the harder programs for me to learn. so you are not alone. hope things get better. let me know.
  3. mme_curie68

    mme_curie68 New Member

    Aieee! You have at least 4 of the biggest life stressors going on simultaneously - health, divorce, children returned to the nest AND changing a business - no wonder you feel overwhelmed.

    Would your daughter consider going to counseling to help her deal with her anger issues? She might not want to listen to Mom but if you carefully (definitely would have to pick your timing on this one) point out that she has a little boy that looks to her and certainly does not deserve to be the brunt of anger misdirected. He is an innocent.

    Your daughter is so young. I remember being that age and thinking I knew everything about everything when I hadn't a clue. Don't think I even started to get a clue until I was near 30.

    The only two things I did right in that entire decade was to marry my husband and get sober and I didn't do either of those things until I was 28! LOL!

    I am thinking that she is she may be thinking that the world has turned on her, that she is a victim, that HE did this to her and how dare he, etc.

    She also probably feels like a failure and is ashamed that she had to come back home to Momma with a failed marriage under her belt and her figurative tail tucked between her legs.

    The Kubler-Ross stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. It is said that until each one is examined and processed a person cannot move beyond it.

    You can be her shoulder to cry on, but you should be firm in telling her that this does not make you or her son her emotional punching bag.

    Can you postpone the business changes or are you already entrenched?

    Remember the Serenity Prayer -
    "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference."

    There are some days when I must stop, take a deep breath and recite it about a million times.

    Madame Curie
  4. LittleBluestem

    LittleBluestem New Member

    I realize that your daughter is having problems, but problems are a part of life. Part of being an adult is not taking your problems out on other people. What your daughter is doing to you and, especially, to her son is not acceptable.

    For the sake of your grandson, you might tell your daughter that she can stay if she takes some action to deal with her anger (counseling, support group, whatever) and you see some positive results SOON. If she doesn't cooperate, could you keep your grandson when she goes?
  5. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Boundaries. The only way.

    Nanna, remember back when, once you left home, you LEFT HOME? lol Well, maybe times have changed but that doesn't mean we can't take care of ourselves.

    Please do this:

    Set a time frame for how long they can stay, a week, a month, three months, but take your situation into consideration first.

    Stick to the time frame!

    Make rules such as the hours you expect her to keep, the work you expect her to do, what may be discussed and what cannot. You cannot take on her stress 24/7.

    Sit down with her to help her form a plan. Is she just separating herself for awhile? Does she plan on divorcing and if so, then what? Make it clear that your home is not a bed and breakfast available for long-term arrangements.

    Make it clear that, after that meeting/discussion, you will not be her sounding board. If she needs counseling, she must get it elsewhere.

    As for the baby, do what you can, love him and cuddle him lots but remember she's his mother and ultimately responsible for him. Also, insisting that she can't coninually complain about her husband will help him too.

    If all this sounds harsh, just remember you raised her once, plus you're sick and trying to live a life within that illness as best you can. If you sacrifice yourself for her what will you have when they ultimatly leave?

    Stand firm. I'm rooting for you!

    Experienced in Michigan

  6. nanna4550

    nanna4550 New Member

    All who responded gave me very sound advise. I had forgotton about parents without partners, she might go for that. Insisting on positive steps and setting boundaries about how long she will stay and how she will behave while she is here are also good. After a good nights sleep, I am feeling better this morning too. It's awful how we feel so helpless when we're worn out and can't think.

    "God's grace is new every morning". My sweet husband is taking me out to coffee (tea) at nine and I ordered a few books for my daughter on line yesterday.

    I hope she's receptive to my efforts (she was always the "strong willed child"). I'm hoping for some grown up choices and I am in a position to set boundaries.
    Thank you for all of the advise and help, you are such wonderful people.
    God Bless, Nanna