I need someone to talk to, please

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by lilaclover30, Feb 29, 2008.

  1. lilaclover30

    lilaclover30 New Member

    Well, hubby can home from almost 3 weeks of bing ill today. A guess what? I have cried and sobbed since 6 p.m.! he got gloomier each dahy in the hospital, excerpt to the nurses. Our daughter came last weekend againh to be with him for his birthday Our 3 sons were also here plus a grandson and his wife and a granddaughter and her boyfriend. We celebhrated the best we acould and friends came in. It has all bween downhill since then in his moods.

    I got the scrip. for the wheeled walker and got the new onw, toook care of the 3 new rx scrips. We went home and he ,managed the walker well.

    But then he went ionto a sulk, but believge me, he has had manhy of those since FM!!!!!!i got the meal, and said would get his rxs for the evening. He wouldn't take them - didn't understand them, etc. and was soioo mad at me. I began to cry, it has been a hard almost 3 weeks. I had carpet to scrub, cothes, - it seemed as if I ran from the tkime I got up until time t o go to the hospital at 1:00. It is 17 mi. there - snow3, rain, ice, you name it, it was there.

    My bach hurt so bad that i couldn't stand straight - the flioors there were so hard. I was almost sick by the time i went to bed - my dear cat slept by me. It was hectic wit5h family coming and going too.

    Today I was sc zared!!! 2 mon. ago my right eye suddenly got a yellow film and i was blind in that eye. i was so scared. It last about 5 min. I later t old hubby and he was kind of disgusted and said to go to the drr. next time. oday onm the way to heopital, it happened again. I dr ive with 1 eye shut and by the tikme i got there, I was OK but scared.

    Thei crying and zsrguing about the meds went on all eve with me cryuing. I keep asking what is werong and he says he doesna't know - I guess it is me!!!!

    I zam at mhy wits end -----I tried to do all I could to [pleaase him but----------it is not enough. I let him get own meds out and hope he does them OK.

    I'm sorry that I am rambling - I don't know where to turn - I haven't the kind of fr iends that I can tell anythingt like this to. Right now - its 10:20 - the time I am usually in bed and I just hurt all over and mostly inside - in my fellings, etc. I guess no matter what i do it is not enough or the right thing.

    I know that you can't help but it just helps me to know that ayiou have listened.

    Thank you, dear aones.

  2. boltchik

    boltchik New Member

    I am so very sorry that you are having such a rough time. You do have friends here who would just love to listen and offer support. I think it does sound like your husband is upset because he is sick. He is probably frustrated, I am sure it's not you. You sound like such a wonderful, caring wife.

    Can any of your children come to help for a while? I was reading your profile and it sounds like you have wonderful children.

    I would probably go get your eye checked just for peace of mind.

    Hopefully you are resting by now. I hope you get a good night's sleep. Please keep us updated and don't hesitate to come and vent. I am saying a prayer for you and your husband right now. Please take good care of yourself.
    Hugs, Kim :)
  3. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear things are so tough right now. If I had all of your hubby's problems, I'd be mad and depressed and cranky too.

    You know what they say on the airlines. Put your own oxygen mask on first. Then you can try and help others. You have to take care of yourself first.

    If he gets abusive I think it's ok to say, I know you're upset, Dear, and leave him alone. He'll just have to growl at the walls. Not fair to attack you.

    Good luck.

  4. Rosiebud

    Rosiebud New Member

    your husband will be going through all the emotions, anger, fear, sadness - I went through this for a year when I finally had to give up my job and admit I was now disabled. I did see what I was doing and tried to be less angry.

    I'm not excusing your husband at all, but I understand.

    I also understand how difficult it makes life for you and how unfair it is.

    However you have to explain to him that he can't take it out on you, you have your own health issues to deal with. Maybe he needs counselling, I dont know how easily that is available.

    By the way Joan, your grandchildren are absolutely adorable.

    [This Message was Edited on 03/02/2008]
  5. alaska3355

    alaska3355 New Member

    Your situation sounds familiar....my folks, who are now also great grandparents, have similar troubles. My mom has spinal degeneration and she thinks she's getting Alzheimers....I'm not so sure. My dad is diabetic and has two toes removed, but is mostly wheelchair bound for the past year. He also had a pacemaker put in. My mom does all the work and it hurts her back like yours hurts. I live more than a thousand miles away and can only afford to come about one week out of the year....wish I could help more. They have been trying to have Medicare come in and help with my dad's wound dressings ( he has a lot of ulcerations) but I guess Medicare won't cover it and still keep his supplies coming. They're sort of stuck in this situation and it sounds like you are too. I'll pray for you, that your health keeps up and that your hubby will snap out of his sulk. Please write and let us know how you are doing.
  6. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Good Morning Joan!
    First, I looked at the picture of your great grandchildren - oh my gosh, are they beautiful!!!! I want to kiss that babies cheeks!
    I agree with everyone else's advice. You cannot take everything on by yourself. Your husband is having a tough time- rightfully so and you cannot take his moods personally. Easier said than done, I realize that!

    Love the airplane oxygen mask analogy - so true - you MUST take care of yourself first or you will be no good to anyone!

    I would suggest looking into any resources that are available to you. It sounds like family is too far away to come in and help. I recently had my Mom living with me for three months when she came out of the hospital. I never knew there were so many resources available! In home nursing - people that will come in and check on you once a week, meals on wheels, you can provide a good meal once a day so you don't have to cook, the list goes on and on. I would think that you family doctor or the hospital would be able to help you with that. I would welcome any sort of help you can get. You can only do so much, and right now, you're emotionally 'busy'.

    We're here to listen anytime - day or night, so you keep right on typing away!! I wish there were some good concrete answers to give you, but I hope that you at least feel like you're being heard and that you do have some support!

    Take care of YOU today...
  7. ckball

    ckball New Member

    I a sorry you are having such a hard time but I have to join the band and say YOU COME FIRST. PERIOD.

    As you know, I took care of my abusive mother for three years and it took me down, hard. I have spent 3 years getting back up. Don't let that happen to you.

    You sound like you are trying to take care of everything yourself, and you are too proud of a woman to ask for help. But there are times we must ask others. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Your DH has been threw a rough time too, but sounds like the hospital took care of him for awhile, in the meantime you are running yourself ragged.

    I understand about the floors, bed and clothes, my mom had the same problem, but let someone run errands, do the dishes, maybe members from the church can cook a meal.

    I know you would do any of the above for someone else in you place, if you were able. Right? So let them know you are not a superwoman and need help.

    He has no right to yell at you, but it could be the meds he is on or like others said just realizing he can't do what he use to and I bet he is a proud man and doesn't like the idea of having to use a walker or having those other issues.

    You haven't said if he is just weak from the flu and such or if there is a real change in his health. Will he recover and get off the walker once he builds his strengh up?

    Tell him you will not accept his yelling and walk away and let him fend for himself for a while, he will get the point. It eventually worked for my mom.

    Joan you can not keep going at this rate, then where would you be? Ask your kids and church people for help. Then take what DH says with a grain of salt and let it go, it is hard not to take it personally but it is not YOU. Hang in there and know we are here anytime when you need to "talk"-Hugs-Carla
  8. doloresf1

    doloresf1 New Member

    Dear One, my heart goes out to you!

    First of all, your great-grandchildren are simply gorgeous! Such precious angels! You are so blessed to have them.

    Hon, you've got real good advice from the people who posted above. You are overwhelmed. You desperately need rest. And help. Please talk to your husband's doctor about getting some home health assistance for your husband. Nurses aids, homemaking help for both of you. What ever part of this your insurance or medicare does not cover, please ask your children and grandchildren to help pay for it.

    Also, please reach out to your pastor about all you are going through. Not just the medical part of it, but about your fears and anxieties too. Pastors are trained to help people in your circumstances. Allow the pastor to "send in the troops". Your church family can bring in meals, sit with your husband while you get out for a while to take care of yourself. Go to your doctor for something for your nerves, go to your eye doctor about your eye problem. Go get your hair done. Go get some fresh air! Churches provide this kind of help every day. They expect to do so!

    Also, there might be one or two men from your church who would be willing to just come and visit your husband once a week or so, just so your husband can talk "mantalk" with them and get some of his frustrations off his chest. That way it will drain off some of his anger. Ask your pastor for what you need. I'll bet he would be happy to provide these things.

    You just need to reach out. Your doctors and your Pastor are the keys to the help.

    We love you and care about you. Please let us know how you are doing.

    Hugs to you. doloresf1
  9. sisland

    sisland New Member

    I'm saying alot of prayers for you and dh in this situation!,,,,,,,,,They always say that the caregivers will Go first! and believe me it's true!,,,,,,,,You are a Very Special Member of the Board!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,And we all Care about you Alot!,,,,, please try and get someone to come in and help!,,,,,,Hugs!,,,Sis
  10. lgp

    lgp Well-Known Member

    After my dad had his heart attack, he was an absolute beast to live with--cranky, nasty, and totally unreasonable and illogical to deal with. It may have been the medication, but my guess was he was so angry and depressed over his situation that he lashed out at the closest 'victim' available--my mother. The only saving grace she got was I was still living at home then and I witnessed his behavior firsthand, which I believe, shamed him into tempering his mouth. I remember her running out on a freezing night-- with dinner cooking on the stove--to buy him a new alarm clock, because he kept complaining and yelling that his didn't glow in the dark!!

    As he started to feel a little better, his disposition improved, but my mother claims he's still a grumpy ol'@#$$%%^#to live with. If you can, try to invite someone over--a neighbor, relative, or a friend from church for a cup of tea to visit for a few minutes. I guarantee you will see a little improvement when he's around people.

    Please accept my sincerest sympathies for you. I really do understand because when my Dad was so sick (the hospital actually had a priest come in to administer last rites til my mom kicked him out of the room) nobody ever asked my mom how she was doing and that me so sad. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep us posted on how you're faring. We really DO care about you.

    [This Message was Edited on 03/01/2008]
  11. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    to hear that you are going through all this. Glad he is now home and doing better but please TRY not to take it all out on yourself, for his grouchy disposition.. Others have said the same thing so I really don't have alot to add except that perhaps even a change or some new meds might my part of the cause also.

    However, I do think he is not feeling well, VERY frustrated and he is taking it all out on you because you are right there. How often do we do that - maybe not as badly but I know that I can get grouchy and sometimes bite my husband's head off ( not that bad) but he really doesn't know how I feel most days and complaining doesn't always help but sometimes it does a little bit.

    He has no clue how badly I feel all the time. So, sometimes when he says something to me unsensitively or I might even take it the wrong way I say something I probably shouldn't have or he takes it wrong and we get i a little tizzy of sorts. Yes, and we have been married 46 years. I know you have been married to your DH along time to. Yes, and we probably take each other a little bit for granted to at times.

    Yes, you husband probably behaves more around other people and then takes out his feelings on you. Yes, it is very wrong for him to do so but NONE of it is your fault.

    We have also been worrying about you on the POrch and I saw some of your posts to the worship board so I filled them in to keep hinm and you also in their prayers.

    Yes, maybe someone could come in to help some, maybe that would help . Does he have any male friends that could come and spend time with him (either with you there or not). Can he play cards or do something with this friend or just sit an chat? IF so maybe you could also get out some yourself. Of course this weather you have been having may not be the stuff to get out in right now.

    Just wanted to let you know that I and many of us have been thinking and praying for you and your husband. Just remember that YOU are NOT the blame for any of this BUT I also know that is is hard to live with someone who is like that all the time.

    Has he gotten any new meds. If so check to see if possibly they may be some of the cause. However, just feeling rotten and not being able to do a whole lot probably just gets him MAD. Some people justr cannot take it and you are there so he will take it out on you. I hope that goes away soo. It doesns't help wither with the weather so bad no one wants to go out. If it were better maybe you take a short walk outside just for a change but I know that is not possible right now.

    Sorry hon for all this rambling on.

    God bless you and your husband !!


  12. fibromickster

    fibromickster New Member

    Joan, It is 11:15 and thought i would check the message one last time before i went to bed. I am so glad i did, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. No one should have to, but obviously your husband probably doesn't even know he is being the way he is. It is so sad sometimes that the ones we love the most we hurt the most, because we know they will always be there for us.

    I helped take care of my Grandma after she broker her hip, and it was so so hard. She was the kindes woman you would ever meet and then all of a sudden after this happened she was just mean to everyone she loved. I know she didn't mean it and i would just hug her and tell her I love her dearly and would just go into the other room.

    Please know that you, your husband and your family will be in my prayers tonight when i go to bed.

    gentle hugs, Mickey
  13. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Dear Joan,

    I can tell you're in one of those cycles that comes from fatigue and stress. and your hubby's tantrums aren't helping. I don't know if he's totally reliant on you or not but I hope you will consider taking a drive soon (on a nice weather day). Go to the library or to a friend's house - or just drive for awhile, but promise yourself not to think about your husband. You can do it! He's holding you at emotional gun point and you must break the cycle.

    Yes, he's had a scare but so have you. Find a mirror right now, look yourself in the eyes and tell yourself: Joan, I love you. You'll know where to go from there.

    Sending hugs on the wings of a prayer,
  14. mrdad

    mrdad New Member

    I feel so badly for you! I can see clearly that this has
    quickly gotten beyond your ability to handle alone. As Linda
    has suggested, you should consider some outside help. I would
    think that from my knowledge of you, some social service organ
    ization would be available to help in your situation. My Mot-
    her, years ago, had a stroke and some home health care was
    provided to help my Dad attend to her. I'm sure that he would
    likewise qualify for aid.

    Joan, Hubby is most likely depressed from his recent experiences. That will likely past and his attitude and
    cooperation will return. And "outside" person may have bet-
    ter results with him. You are not well enough to handle all
    this added stress, understandably!

    We are all here for you Joan, and many fine and helpful
    suggestions have already been offered.

    Lots of Huggles,

    [This Message was Edited on 03/02/2008]
  15. laceymae

    laceymae New Member

    I really don't have any more advice to add...Just know that you are in my prayers.

    I tried to take care of my Mom several months ago after she had surgury...she had a minor set-back and had to go back to the hospital. I called the social worker at the hospital and told them that she had to go to rehab, I wasn't physically or mentally able to take care of her anymore.

    She still doesn't know that I made the call, she thinks it was her idea to go to rehab. I don't think she would forgive me if she knew.

    We can only do so much and then we have to put it in someone else's hands.

    Hugs and prayers
  16. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Yes! Linda and MrDad are right. Get help - THEN go for that drive.

  17. doloresf1

    doloresf1 New Member

    Just checking in to see how you are doing. Hope you can post soon.

    Hugs. doloresf1
  18. boltchik

    boltchik New Member

    Are you okay? Hope you see this post and let us know how you and your husband are doing. Saying a prayer that you are well. Kim :)
  19. mrdad

    mrdad New Member

    I hadn't seen you on the Board at all today, and like others

    already here, am concerned for you. Hope things are better

    today and that you are attempting to get some well deserved

    rest. Get back with us as you can. You are in our closest

    and best thoughts!

  20. sisland

    sisland New Member

    bumping for Joan to see! yes we are worried!,,,,,Hugs!,,,,,Sis

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