I now cannot cope with life

Discussion in 'Spirituality/Worship' started by Jubi, Jan 1, 2005.

  1. Jubi

    Jubi New Member

    I got sent over here when I got healed and put my testamony on the fibro board. D So here I am, and no effexor means my fibro pain is much better and maybe I wasnt healed in the first place!! and was pretty pissed as I have been comming off effexor for over 5 months now and its still in my system causing rages inside. I am a Christian and have been since June 15 1975 and I am spirit filled , and been given the works . I am going through some serious changes and I just don't know where to go and talk where someone might understand that I am sick of God since yesterday, and I told my husband he can do the prayoing and believing around here because if I am a christian then it snows in effing san diego. If being a christian is about this then I am going to start shutting my mouth when it comes to spiritual matters. I am living on tranc's this last week and things are just getting worse . I lost my grandchild rights yesterday as my own son doesnt get to see his son because the mother is evil. I am a completely healed Multiple Personality as of Aug 31st-04 after a two year process where satan almost killed me 6 times now. As long as God keeps tranlating me through truck s who run red lights I guess Ill be fine . I have lost 21 personalities that ran my life just fine , now I have nowhere to go when I cant handle reality,....like my oldest son (27) died in Feb. from an accidental overdose and he did tell me how hard it was being raises by a MP. I miss him so much and its getting worse lately like every time I get more fusion I have to grieve his loss all over again. Myy other two sons are as of late avoiding me because they drink and use and I am telling them , that is not the way to life life. I am on the edge and I tell Christians that have known me since 1980 whats going on a no phone calls , no visits no e mails. I dont know who in the hell I am as I have just started saying the Lords name in vain the last week or two. I live in emense pain and have been over on the fibromialgia board , but I just have too many issues for anyboard but really an effing suiside board, and I thank God for the husband he gave me who is very supportive as he works alot and I kept him up all yesterday when my so called daughterinlaw called and told me I was out of her and my grandsons life. My 2 youngest grew up 7 years in foster care I was so sick and they have all these issues and I have been delivered from drugs and alcohol so I cant even get high a drunk. That pisses me off, I am just glad my new Dr said I could call in the Xanex ( as I got some when my son first died. Whenn God first healed me my first reality from most of me at once was "my God , my son is dead!!!!". I stopped crying on august 31st. no its more like gutteral weeping . Are there any christians on this board that might have a word for me to help pull me out of this mess I am in.????
    Please excuse the anger I have written this with , its the only real emotion I seem to have lately. If I get any kind of support and rise out of this shit I am going to kick the devils ass so hard with the books I am writing as he has given me much poetry and I am writing the story of my life. Oh, This isnt the first time Ive been abgry at God. My mind is so stress and from the effexor and what it did to my memory and vision I find it almost impossible to pray , except by the spirit and it take and hour to read one chapter , but I am focusing as hard as I can. Are there any Christians out there that would consider praying for me. My friends had troble walking away from the cult they got saved in and they are too busy living there own lives and licking there woulnds to be there for anybody, and that breaks the Holy Spirits heart in me. Its a little hard to get comfort from christians you have to confront and help out of their selfesh self pity. I gaurentee there not going through my trials , so I am going to sit and pray and praise Jesus now , and piss off satan. God Bless you I mean that. Jubi
  2. kriskwon

    kriskwon New Member

    I will pray for you long and hard. By the sound of your post I almost wish that you would get some professional Christian couneling. You have too many issues to try to conqeur them by yourself. I too am a Christian and I believe the Holy Spirit came to live in all of us the day we commited our lived to God. He is mainly there to guide us into making the right decisions and to convict us of our sins. You have to remember (although I know this is VERY hard) that God is NEVER against you. Like the verse says,"If God is for me, who can be against me?" NO ONE!!
    Sometimes it's good to go back to the basics and just pull out your trusty bibile and read His Word. It's okay to be angry at God, the bible is full of examples at anger towards God - think of the Psalms, Moses. ect. The devil is REAL and he can also be dangerous, but that doesn't mean that EVERY problem we have is due to the devil. Sometimes God is using you to touch other people - sometimes "it's not all about you". I've learned this lately with my Fibro. I've been blessed in more ways than I could tell you since I have been diagnosed with this. I have been able to be there for so many people that I would not have normally. If I quit thinking about myself and start thinking about how I can use this to glorify God, I can put everything in a new prospective. I don't know if I've helped you or not, but if you keep putting you faith in the LORD, HE will. "I will never leave you, nor forsake you."
  3. Posey

    Posey New Member

    I will certainly pray for you with great sincerity. I understand the anger toward God because I've been hit with it really hard the past couple of months.

    My anger is part of the grieving process due to some drastic changes in my life (none of them as drastic as yours but just as hard to cope with for me). Maybe if you could find a grief counselor, it would help. There are stages to go thru and some of them are hard to see for yourself.

    I was brought up in a very strict church so swearing was something I never did. Since these changes have started in my life, I've said words I never thought I would say. I also was never taught that God loves us even when we're angry at Him so I feel extremely guilty about it. It actually scares me.

    I've had thoughts of suicide cross my mind a few times lately but I know in my heart that I don't really want to be dead. I just want to hide somewhere or sleep until everything is better. I would be much easier to go around things than going thru.

    I'm truly sorry for the things you are going thru and it does sound like everytime you make a little progress, Satan tries to knock you back down. I'm trying to learn that I have been trying to fight battles that I'm suppose to let God fight.

    My problem is that I am impatient and controlling so when God doesn't do it RIGHT away, I get scared and take it back to fix myself. Never a good idea!

    The other things I'm having to learn is to love myself faults and all and to forgive myself for things that I've done wrong even if I didn't realize I was doing them at the time. I still have a LONG was to go and it's really hard sometimes. And sometimes it's not even me that has the problem; it's the other person but I take it on myself.

    I guess most of all remember that God loves us no matter what and don't give up! Keep praying and try to ignore Satan so he doesn't have so much power in your life.

    I'm am praying for you and your family that you can have some peace and comfort.

    May God bless you.
    Hugs,
    Chris
  4. kriskwon

    kriskwon New Member

    After I got off the computer I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and taped to the mirror is a 3x5 index card with the following on it that I would like to share:

    1. God loves me unconditionally

    2. God is in control

    3. God has a reason for allowing this in my life

    4. God is walking through this difficult time with me.

    When my little sister was diagnosed with Epilepsy she was helping her husband run 3 restaurants and had 4 boys ranging from 8-16. The whole thing was almost too much for her to handle. I found this somewhere and sent it to her. Since then, it has passed back and forth to each others bathroom mirrors several times (yes, I have it now!). It has really helped us both to wake up each morning and be reminded of this, and then to go to bed each night in peace after seeing this.
  5. Kim

    Kim New Member

    You are in my prayers. I am a Christian and believe that the Holy Spirit indwells all Christians. God is on your side and Jesus is walking with you. Please believe that and know that it will never change.

    There's nothing you can to do to make God love you MORE
    There's nothing you can do to make God love you LESS!

    Please get some help from a psychiatrist to help you through this tough time. There's nothing wrong with taking medicine when you're ill. I take several medicines and I consider them gifts from God.

    you are in my prayers,

    kim
  6. Jubi

    Jubi New Member

    I have to take your words to my comfort chair and read them.

    I didn't get bombarded with anger and hopelessness today , though I am very sad that christians I have known for for 25 years have been tricked out of the only thing that matters for christians and to Jesus Christ and that is that we have love, fervent , one for another.

    Things that make me so blessed. I have 2 sons still alive. I have a man in my life who really loves me and never would intentionally hurt me. I have a poodle I raised who is 7 that adores me and constantly reminds me that Gods love is greater than his and he is my tear licker. God will have to extract my tears from his body to put them in my bottle. I have a cozy private trailer and its raining out here in mid Calif. and I love the wether whateever it is and I can look out my window as I sit in my chair and watch the hummingbirds and see the pretty trees.

    I havent had the flu in years , except on a few bad effexor days it felt like it.... I have a couple of struggling christian friends I visit and I love them.

    I am still working on loving the neighbor who hates me , as he cut down the maple tree outside my other window, by my chair, . he must be a very unhappy person, and I pray for him, and scream God bless Phil alot and he stopped all his complaints towards my hubby and me. I think I scared him.

    God supplies all my needs according to his riches and I never remember ever running out of even coffee or cigs in my 52 years. I have been delivered of cigs 4 times in my life and my son died right after the last deliverance. I guess different personalities were getting delivered. Now thats frustrating , but what a patient and merciful ,gracious Father we have.
    I was driving my scooter past the candy counter real fast last week, and felt like having a tootsie roll. I came home without any. Got a food box given to me a couple days later and guess what was in it?.....A bag of tootsie rolls.
    During my last two years of healing from MPD( completed aug 31st this year.. God did so many miricles for me I lost track. One day sleepy I tripped over the TV cord going into the bathroom half asleep and my entire body was stopped on the door nob and I just leaned right back up. I'm sure I should have spun around and hit my head on the bathtub hitting the floor. .
    Thanks to effexor I have a poor memory and MP's loose things alot and I can't count how many times the Lord has shown me exactly where things are at and in the strangest ways and places . My car used to die all the time and one day I confessed it will never die again and it never has with me driving it and has never had to be towed home since . That was a year ago.
    My 1 chrisian girlfriend (doesnt drive)called me and having no car needed to have a tooth pulled 2 days ago , just happened Bob and I were going to the dentist that afternoon and her return appointment is the same day next week for us.,
    SSI tried to ruin my marriage this last year and take my benifits and he stopped by before moving out of town after 5 mths at his mothers (rent free) and I said you move back in hear and I will write a letter to SSI as we need each other and he also is mentally challenged, and I wrote a 3 page testamony that they have never questioned so we are forever under the same roof. God gave me the idea and the words for the letter.

    When I first got healed I didnt really know Who my husband was and sure didnt feel married to him (as he married a per. named "Carla"so I asked him to move out so I could work on my recovery , until a Mental Health dr. I had tried twice to kill me , and after 4 small strokes over a medication change Bobby moved in to wait on me hand and foot for 3 weeks , as I could not function. He had no where to go then , so he stayed and has always cared for me and I finally fell in love with, the man God gave me 12 years ago. He also got serious with God and God has delivered him of all his vices. ( the only thing constant is change, amen. )
    There is a wheel chair in my hall way that I am supposed to be in , but God told me to go to this church and he would heal me. I felt like Naman( why the dang Jordan river , HA! )....Anyway the first night I went there was some evangelist there, and I went up for prayer and God healed all the numbness in my legs as I had fallen down 3 times in 2 weeks. Dont know why he didnt heal my disks , but I am not numb at all and I do get pain meds to cope with the pain, but I am actually quite functional since the Fibro let up.

    God told me to go to the computer and look up effexor out of the blue one day and thats how I got hope to get off this drug. going on 6 mths and no effexoe for a week now YEA!!!!!! It causes irriversable liver damage and I have a friend( NET BUDDY) dying from it. I was stuck on it ,and flipped out and got sick the 3 times I tried to get off of it . God gets all the glory, for my life which is very good accept when I have these effexor attacks. My marriage got totally healed from the last effexor fight ,( what my husband has endured, it has to be love, over an issue thats been getting the best of us for 12 years. Why its never been better. Bob and I figured out the lies from the devil thats makes us think the other is our problem. We war not against flesh and blood. Our behaviors have totally changed, and we both got healed, and now we talk.

    I guess I have still lost the priviledge of seeing my grandson, and my others sons mother-in-law who has my other grandkids hates me( and everybody )I think, but I just show up and hug them no matter what she says. Why so many problems in my family when I try with all my might to live the Christian walk??? I really flipped out on God 2 days ago after that grandson phone call. Am I doing something right to be such a dam target or what.? Or am I just a weak bad Chrisian???

    Oh yes, right after I was healed ,I was in my car and a new truck ran the light and I somehow ended up on the other side. The guy behind me stayed WAY behind me after that....
    I praised God all the way to the next town, I could'nt help mysef!!!
    So many miricles and also 9 major healings in my life and deliverances and so much more I could share, and by his grace only, I stand, but I know I just cant stand alone and do anything really productive to kick satans ass without other believers standing with me and praying for me, as I can hardly pray for myself.....ever been there??? , I , as a multiple ( had no evil or unbelieving ones) that was totally healed by God , by doing what the word says and wisdom through ministies God put into my life , Like Bob Larson and his tteaching on the forgivness process and to my surprise , I got integrated and then fusion which is alot of what I am going through now , which keeps me regrieving I believe. It complex , but God isnt just going to leave me hanging. He told me to start a journal to write a book on Feb 9th 2001 which was a followup on him saying that in 1975 when I got born again . I had to stop my book after my son died as I felt stronly that the Lord wanted me to heal more before I wrote more. Something like ah, you gotta live it before you can write about it , DAUGH. I am here to addmit that as long as I have been in this emotional wilderness that I cannot complete this assignment without the support of other believers. " I thought the title was to be "A Year In The Life of a Multiple Personality" then 6 months later I am getting healed as all this integration happened when I made a pledge to TBN Christian TV -24 hour. They asked if I needed prayer so I said yea, mental health ! Bigo , my whole world changeds. Never the less I am going to write about the issues and challenges of our day and time , on dysfunctional families , especially in the church to give people hope who can't find their problem in the bible , show up at church every week , but they are so preoccupied with their family issues they can't get anything done for the Lord Jesus. The church where I got healed here in town ,the pastor just said well we just dont know about that Jubi? I went up front and asked for his mic and I shared briefly my testemony,( not mentioning the MPD. I told pastors siter and I was totally ignored after that. They sing praises real good, but never a visit or a phone call or returning calls or answering my emails. I marvel I really do marvel.... How awesome it is when the brethren dwell together in unity and thank God for the internet. My books will be healing books that can change families for the good and heal them, and right now I dont even know how to conclude and I have many poems I have just finished some editing on alot of my poetry, though I am no editor, but I have a good friend miles from me that can help, Praise God I just thought of that. I am trying to organize, ha!! . Please pray for me to have wisdom and to be strengthened in my "inner man". MY desire is to bring healing to the body of Christ. I am just one of those "foolish" things, truly. Sorry this is so long, But I need to encourage myself in the Lord and say he is so worthy of our praise despite the attacks. Thank you for listening and for all your parayers , as I do pray also for you. , as I push myself to concentrate and focus , which is sooo hard. God richly bless you , Jubi