I QUIT ,I can't take it anymore, Hubby, money,meds me

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by saphire27, Sep 9, 2006.

  1. saphire27

    saphire27 New Member

    I am MAD as, well you know!

    I am mad at my husband STILL, I am mad at him because he has ruined my intamacy with him. For those that remember awhile back my story ( i may have erase it)I never want to accept his kisses or touch, i don't want to touch him either. I blame HIm & my father, it's NOT my fault.

    I am mad at myself , if i wasn't a coward, i'd left him many years ago, and now i would be somewhere (maybe). I don't go to doctors when i'm suppose to, i cancel dentist appt too, & my counseling. I don't FEEL like driving the 45 minutes there, no good closer ones. I'm mad at ME becuase if i wasn't so weak i'd go and try really hard for my GED, and get a decent job. I think others have planted in my head that i am just LAZY and not all that sick. I'm stuck in a rountine. Even though now & then i break it and surprise what i do acheive but then i get exausted & retreat.

    I'm a bit mad at GOD becuase i think i've suffered enough ( not just my diseases, all the abuses, and other trobles)I believe it's time for him to help me RISE up & for greater things to come my way. I believe in god, but i'm just feeling hurt.

    I'm mad that i can't afford my meds anymore, i can't afford to take my kids out on weekends!Their bored as am I.
    Same old same old at home things, some of which is okay.

    I got mad enought to quit my meds all at once, i hurt so much, so started my ultram back, Ambien is making me loose my MIND @ memory! And i can't even sleep with that anymore.
    Celexa quit working for me i think so she put me on cymbalta months ago, I suddenly stopped that becuase i was mad, & i did nothing but cry & freak out on my family & myself, so i just started that back too, i am 25 pounds fatter now.( i use to like my image, i know it's NOT everything though)

    I am MAD, not feeling sorry......just 100% angry,
    I USE to have a positive outlook on life etc, but it's hard to when everything hurts emotionally & physically.

    sorry to be soooo negative, but i think it's my turn to be,
    i'm use to being the one who has things dumped on my lap, and bricks on my shoulders.

    thanks for letting me vent..
    saph or should i say LAZY, and failure
  2. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    first off..i wished you could've caught the episode i saw early this morning about us woman...on oprah winfrey...goto her site today and read it...we are always looking for prince charming and there is none...

    they are not going to sweep us off our feet...

    we need to feel good about ourselves..and when we find these so called prince charmings...they lose our beings....that is their intentions...we do for them and we forget about our own needs...

    a friend of mine had been raped her first night in l.a. never told any but her hb...after five years of marriage...because she was having issues in the bedroom...certain things reminded her of what happened..

    now she has been going to therapy for about 6 months...

    start now..for you not anyone else but for you...you need to take back your empowerment..over any men in your life right now...

    there is help out here in california free help for the anyone that wants to get there ged.....maybe something like that in virginia...and if you are disabled that helps even more...

    you would be surprised how much you can do...are you getting ssi or ssdi? programs for that as well...

    get your name on a section 8 waiting list...that will give some control as well...you will be able to financially make ends meet...

    the you can work on maybe going back to college afterwards your ged...baby steps...but you need to take control of your life...for you...

    and you only...........go for your dream and go get selfish in a way...i am...told my ex i don't care if cody has a football dinner and he needs to get him up early to a football game...i need a break...and i am tired...it is his weekend anyway for him...

    it has been in the past i do make it easier on the father so he doesn't have to drive up on friday night...then he could either spend the nigh w/me those days are done now...as of my last birthday..

    then it came to he had to work on fridays so he said he will come meet me at the game..or pick cody up after practice ..so i was the one waking up at 7 am getting breakfast for cody and driving him...then really the only break i got was saturday night...

    and we would have sex...that was last year..not anymore...

    i am done.

    i have put my foot down for my own needs...read some of my posts...

    love and hugs

    jodie
  3. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i left that out...cymbalta made me gain some weight in no time...caused myclonic jerking...higher the dose more the jerking...out of the is world..didn;t help me w/pain at all..

    i felt like you did....

    i am on now on vivactil...lowest dose you can get...infact i need to split the lowest dose in half..i am so sensitive to all the darn meds...allergic reactions

    i tried flaxseed the shake...but it truly increased my appetite just like prozac did...so i stopped then restarted same result...

    i think it could be adjusted maybe for me...

    anyways..

    try klonopin for sleep at night and pain and muscle spasms if you have not..

    jodie
  4. saphire27

    saphire27 New Member

    Thank you.

    I am and was started on 60 mgs of cymbalta twice a day.

    ambien is really confusing me.

    saph
  5. nanna4550

    nanna4550 New Member

    I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed and negative and mad. I have felt that way too, sometimes. I hope it helps a litle to know that you're not alone and we all care about you. I just know in my heart that you will feel God's loving support and you will know how much God loves you.

    I will pray for you, Saph in hopes that you will find a renewed positive outlook for your life.
    LOL, Nanna
  6. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    switchboard. Some states have counseling on a sliding scale and some have counsellors who will come to your house if you are disabled or
    unable for various reasons to get there. Also check with the various churches. Some offer regular counseling and not just religious counseling. Some of them will come to your house also, a friend of mine in Colorado has that service as she can't drive far enough to get there. I was astounded at all the things our state offers to people and not just poor or disabled. It's worth chekcing out anyway. Bambi
  7. Bren2135

    Bren2135 New Member

    ... I'm new here, and don't know about the former post you mentioned, but THIS one made me teary.

    I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible right now. I've been to all the places you talk about: anger, frustration, exhaustion, retreat. My entire childhood was abusive, so I say this with much empathy:

    It's normal to feel angry and frustrated at times: You're dealing with things that hurt deeply, and leave scars. Add chronic illness, and it's easy to get worn down.

    Remind yourself that you're strong.. and there are people out there who care about you. Check with local groups, charities, churches for some guidance and help.

    One day at a time, find something positive to focus on.. positivity breeds the same.. and things DO get better. Hang in there..

    Hugs,
    Brenda
    [This Message was Edited on 09/09/2006]
  8. saphire27

    saphire27 New Member


    I'm realy sorry that i have been off the computer for as long as i have... now i really know how much i have missed you all!!

    You all touched me, you are have said wise things.

    Hugs!
    Saph
  9. Summit

    Summit New Member

    oh, I know that feeling!! at least there is this forum where you can let it out!!! LOL Yep, I've been Mad as hell too! As for God, well, he knows your suffereing, and God helps those who help themselves.......so, you need to get your head on straight (everyone needs alittle pity time, but then you have to get up and get going) you will feel better about yourself etc. if you Do something. Even small changes in your life, like getting that GED. Get to those appts, instead of missing them. I know it can be hard! Oh, do I. But at least spiritually you will feel better about yourself and your life. I am in a similiar situation with my husband as well (won't get into all that now) but it's your life, do what you need to do, and when you are positive and moving in a forward motion , things just seem to go your way more. You really must be careful about stopping your medictions and starting them......some meds are not meant to be abruptly stopped or started! Careful about that, ok. Soak in a nice hot tub at night, and see where you want yourself going in your life, and plan to go there (even in small baby steps) try and find some good positive friends to talk to. and talk to us here on the forum, who knows better than we what you are going through. Best of Luck, hope your feeling better!!
  10. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way. If you would accept some "on line" counseling ( I used to be a Psyhc.) here is my take. I hope it may help a little.

    People who have suffered abuse often get very angry with themselves. You are certainly one of the 90% of victims who do this. So you are not alone.

    If you could try and visualize your life thus far as a book. It is not a book you chose to read, but you have been more or less, at first forced to read it, even though you hated it. However, their came a time in your life when you continued to "read the book" even though you could have discarded it. This also was not your fault, just habit and low self esteem. Also, in order for you to stop reading "the bad story" you need to chose a new, better story."

    May I suggest one? Your new story is of a courageous and brave person who has endured very much. A person who has always tried her best even though this person had everything stacked against her. This story would touch your heart and everyone elses.

    Now, in this new book, of course you need to re read that old book of your life, but once you read those chapters, turn the page and carry on reading the next chapter and then the next, just try and look forward and not back. Re reading those painful chapters will only keep you caught.

    Here is a chapter I want you to "read" next: Click GED on line test, which is free and try your hand. IN some subjects you will do OK and others will be hard. Check your scores and don't be discouraged, this will allow you to see what you need to work on to get your GED (for most people it is math). This will give you some idea. Don't worry, most who take the on line test don't "pass". However, you can see what may be expected and you can contact your local agency that will tutor you for free and allow you to take this first step and get that GED. Can you take out this new book, and read this chapter, for you? You can do I know you can.

    These other people in your life, you cannot change them, you can only change yourself. Just letting us know how frustrated you are, reaching out here, says loudly and clearly you are ready, and ready NOW to make these changes to empower yourself. GO FOR IT!!! We will all help here. There are many ex teachers who can explain things you don't get here too. All part of your healing. All relevant to this board.

    Finally I want to tell you, 23 years ago I had a friend who was in an almost identical position to you, I met her through counseling her child. A group of us encouraged her to get her GED. She was torturing herself with self doubt and loathing. However, we urged her on and she got her GED. First step. Second step: She won a small scholarship for abused women to attend our local community college for a nursing assistant program. She was scared to go, but we all encouraged her, and she did very well. She stayed at the college and went on to get her LPN. She went to work at a local nursing home and was able to leave her husband.

    She then, over time obtained her RN, and then went on to become a nurse practioner. This took about 12 years in all. Her kids were happier without their dad and they are both at college now and doing well themselves. I just heard from my friend after several years of moving and losing contact. She is now an MD and training to become a heart specialist.

    No one at all would have believed this was possible. She never set that goal, it just happened as she grew in strength and began beleiving in herself.

    Guess what she said when she called me? "Are you still telling your clients that "Read a new chapter in a new book story?" I said, "Yes, of course I am"", she said, "Good, because it helped me change and become what I am today, I wanted to call and let you know to tell that story whenever you can." She also said she tells the story too, as a doctor.

    So take courage, take strength. You can do it. My friend had not a penny and two kids who were very troubled when she set out. Start small, you don't have to become a doctor but you can become something that will give you some independence.

    Good luck, look in the mirror and tell that person staring back at you, "You are worth this, you can do it."

    Love and hugz,

    Anne Cromwell
  11. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    Hon you're going to make me cry....

    All of us who left bad marriages were like you at one time. We didn't always feel powerful and positive, that comes with making changes in your life.

    I'm just wondering about your husband...you mentioned being mad at both him and your dad. Did he do something else to cause this? Is he being lumped in with your dad because he's a man or because he's an insensitive lump? (Like he was being before..)

    As for your self esteem improving....it won't while you have people in your life constantly trying to keep you down. It's like stepping on an angel's wings....how in the world could you fly?

    Please stop calling yourself a coward.....you are a warrior. You've lived through so much and you're still working on bettering yourself and your life. That makes you a survivor!!!

    Hugs,

    Nancy B
  12. saphire27

    saphire27 New Member

    Brookie ..thank you, i really don't want anyone to cry over this... about your question, both are the reasons.


    Donnaeil, i'm thinking of you & sending hugs for you too.

    Anne: WOW! You truely made me think, you are sooo very right, i will try my best to get to my appts... and make improvments, positive ones, and i'll read these chapters.

    Thanks so much, lots of hugs

    Summit, your right as well, i quit on myself, for a bit, now i want to get back up..& help myself..

    Thanks to ALL!

    Also prayers to those 9/11 victims & their families..

    Love to you all,
    SAPh


  13. kjfms

    kjfms Member

    First of all please do not call yourself lazy or failure that is not fair to you and I really have a problem when anyone puts them-self down this way because it just isn't true.

    I know this because I have read some of you posts--so don't argue with me :)

    It sounds like you have worked very hard and please be kinder to you.

    If we do not love ourselves no one else will.

    I am sorry you are having such a rough time and I do hope it gets better very soon.

    There are many programs out there but you have to look for them just start making phone calls you might start with your local hospital ask to speak with the social worker and tell him/her your situation and you need help.

    They should be able to put you in to contact with someone.

    I know how very difficult it is when everything starts to pile up--I have been going through that myself.

    You just have to take it one day at a time that is all we can do. I know it sounds simplistic but I am learning to do this and I honestly hope you can too.

    I just wanted to show you a little support and to give you an idea or two.

    As for you and you children there are many things you can do for free that are fun and can take away the boredom too.

    The library for instance it's free open the world to you children this way. The options in a library are endless. I don't know the ages of your children but there are books for all ages including you :)

    You children will feel so grown up when they have their library card--I know I did when my mother did this way back in 1967. We didn't have a lot of money but she always found ways :) They also have videos now.

    There is always the park--pack up some PB&J sandwiches or whatever heck kids really don't care what you take just that they're are spending time with you--right?

    Birdwatching--get a book from the library on birds or print something off your computer take the children out to the back yard or the park and go for see how many different kinds of birds you all can spot.

    Along this same line learn the different trees in your area and different flowers. Have a board game night. Have a marshmallow roast in the back yard. Camp out in the back yard.

    There are so many thing you can do with your children for free and they will have a blast trust me I have great memories because my mother did many of these things with me and my sisters and I treasures each and every one.

    When you are not feeling up to going outside just adapt to something quiet like coloring time--you might have fun coloring too :)

    I wish you the best of luck and take time for you too.

    Please be kind to you,

    Karen :)
    [This Message was Edited on 09/11/2006]
  14. Loveyame

    Loveyame New Member

    I have been reading the replies you have received.

    Very good advice!

    I was molested as a child so I know about some abuse issues.

    And I had a couple marriages that went down the tubes.

    But through it all I had a childhood song that played in my head when I hated everyone and everything and could not understand why anyone would want to love me let alone help me. That song was Jesus Loves Me!

    If I could pull myself together to become a person that I am proud to know and love then so can you!

    Don't worry about your GED- it took my aunt 52 years to get it done- but she finally said I am doing this for myself and to heck with what others might think!

    You will get it done when the time is right for you!

    You will be the one that stands up straight and says "I am doing this for myself and to heck with what others might think!"

    It all starts with baby steps! Remember how a baby starts walking? One shaky step maybe two then crash but before long those baby steps turn into running steps!

    So this old wind bag has put her 3 cents in the pot.

    Love ya me
  15. monkeykat

    monkeykat Member

    Hi Saphire27,

    I don't know what else to say except that I know what it's like to feel really, really angry. I resonated with 100% angry. My counselor told me that underneath anger is often a lot of hurt.

    I couldn't feel anything but anger for a long time after getting ill and being abandoned and mistreated by a lot of people. Now I'm getting in touch with how hurtful and scary it is to be ill. I just want you to know that there are many of us our here who understand suffering.

    I guess my best advice is to let that anger out, hopefully in ways that aren't damaging to yourself or others, find quiet places to scream, write things out on paper & burn it, I've banged pillows on the bed as that doesn't damage anything (wish i had a punching bag).

    I hope that we can all work through all the emotional baggage that illness brings into our lives...
    Monkeykat
  16. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Sapphire I am sorry you are going through so much. I do understand your being angry. I don't blame you. I hope it helped to vent. One thing that you wrote sounded so much like me. The fact that you don't go toyour doctors or other appts.

    I am the same way. I used to go with no problems, but now I will cancel every appt. Doctors, dentist (haven't been to the dentist in years), lawyers appt, SSD interviews. I jsut cna't seem to make myself go. I am so scared and most of the time I am actually sick on the days I have appt. I am sick most days so I guess that is understandable.

    I will even cancel appts that are in my town, but most of my doctors are out of town and I can't stand to go too far. Why do we do this? I wish I could explain it. My family thinks I am just to lazy or stupid to go. They make smart remarks about me cancelling. I want to change so badly, but I honeslty don't feel like going on most days.

    I too feel lazy and like a failure. I posted a rant last night about it. I feel better today. I hope you are feeling better. Please don't blame yourself. Just do what you can do and if you want to get your GED I say go for it if you can. If you are too sick to right now, don't beat yourself up over it.
  17. saphire27

    saphire27 New Member

    Very wise & smart friends.

    I tell ya, i don't know what i'd do if this board wasn't here.

    Just thank you all so much.
    Saph