I really need your prayers

Discussion in 'Spirituality/Worship' started by RoseTx, Apr 13, 2002.

  1. RoseTx

    RoseTx New Member

    I am faced with making decissions and I wonder if I can trust my own judgement. I really need you all to pray for me. With the big drop in income I am not able to support anyone but myself and Jim had been paying Bea's bills. She is working but she wants to depend on me for things I just feel unable or unwilling to do. Melissa does not have a driver's licence and it is decided that I should run Melissa back and forth, pick up Melanie from after school activities and just generally be here for everyone. No one mentions the cost of gas or seems to be concerned about the cost in energy. I feel used. Am I correct in my thinking? If I force the issue, Bea will probably move closer to town and I fought like a wild cat when she and Dan (my son who is now gone) wanted to move out here. But Jim wanted it and I finally agreed. But now, all I want is to be left alone in peace and I want her to leave. Please, give me your opinion and please pray about it first. I don't seem able to hear Heavenly Father's voice right now. I don't want to make a choice I will regret the rest of my life. I have so many regrets already.
    I visited with my sister (my favorite) this past week and she has glocouma. She is really getting blind and she wants me to come and live with her so we could help each other. But even though I love her so dearly, she smokes, I don't. She doesn't have prayers before meals. I don't want to push my religion at her so I would hesitate to ask her to do this. She is really involved with her children, grand childreen and great grand children. They all smoke and drink. They are good people and live good lives but there seems to be so many of them and they have get togethers. I really have a hard time being around so many people. They all seem to be talking at once and some things they do are so strange to me. For instance, her grand son and his girl friend have been living together for at lest two years and in May they are having this great formal wedding... is that strange to anyone else? And I am such a private person... how could I ever live surrounded with so many people and no country side? I feel so totally unable to make any choices. I would never have believed I would come to this place where even the smallest choice is such a matter of dread to me. Please, pray for me. Hugs, Rose
  2. Harmony

    Harmony New Member

    Hi Rose,
    First of all, I certainly will pray for you and that God will help you make the decisions you are now facing and that it will be what God would have you to do.

    Secondly, it is very common to not be able to make decisions after the death of a spouse.
    You should wait at least 1 yr. before making any major decisions or moves in your life after the death. Too many people feel that need to make a quick change and feel forced into it from other family members when they shouldn't and regret it later. It's too soon.

    I think you should explain your financial situation to your family that expects you to do so much if you haven't already. You should do what is best for you and what you can do comfortably right now. Hopefully, they will understand. Rose, you need to take care of yourself right now and that is your priority.

    I pray God will give you His direction and peace, along with understanding from your kids.
    God bless you, Rose.

    Hugs,
    Harmony

  3. Terry

    Terry New Member

    Yes I will pray for you, but I have always had a very clear message from the Lord when I had to make changes, even changes that were unwanted and difficult. My advice is when in doubt wait and listen. He speaks from inside you. There may be something you are meant to do or learn before any changes are contemplated.

    Someone from the board once posted this from Mother Teresa. I have it on my fridge.

    People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.
    If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.

    If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies: Succeed Anyway

    If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you: Be honest and sincere anyway.

    What you spend years creating others could destroy overnight: Create anyway.

    If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous; Be happy anyway.

    The good you do today, will often be forgotten; Do good anyway.

    Give the best you have, and it way never be enough; Give you best anyway.

    In the final analysis, it is between you and God;
    It was never between you and them anyway.

    It has helped me attain peace and to make my decisions based on what I believe, not what others think.

    I hope you will find the answers in due time.
  4. wheatstalk

    wheatstalk New Member

    You don't know me very well, I mostly lurk, but you have often touched me with your Christian life and good common sense.

    I agree with Harmony, and I believe the reason you are having such difficulty making these decisions is that IS still to soon to have to deal with these issues. While everyone heals at a different pace, the one-year rule is a good general guideline to go by.

    A change in living arrangements is surely a hard decision that, if at all possible financially, should be given a little more time to make. Just from your comments, I think you would not be happy in the long run living with your sister.

    I am inferring Bea is your daughter-in-law, forgive me if I misunderstood the relationship. Perhaps you could offer the transportation etc. on just certain days, maybe once or twice a week. Just a suggestion as I surely don't know the dynamics involved here.

    Certainly I will pray for you, for guidance in making these decisions. In my own life, when a decision is not very clear, I've found it's either not the right time or I've made the wrong one. I too believe strongly in God's guidance and believe that praying, then listening intently to our intuition, or gut instincts, is how we hear God speaking to us. Sometimes God says Wait.

    You will be in my prayers.
    Chris
  5. Nonie

    Nonie New Member

    Dearest Rose ,

    My heart really goes out to you , my precious , precious friend . Honey , I "hear" the fustration , loneliness , bewilderment & isolation in your post . I have to agree with Harmony , that it is much too soon for you to make any "major" decisions ! You are still adjusting to the change in your life , and to make more changes , may be just too difficult right now .

    By all means discuss the financial problems with all involved . Let them know , that although you do not mind helping out with the transportaion problems , it is creating a crisis for you . They may not realize that your finances were drastically cut back by Jim's passing . Some times people dont mean to do the things they do ... they just do NOT think ! Explain to them that YOU can not afford to keep doing as you are without any help , as it is causing YOU to do without ! If they are at all understanding , then things should be able to be worked out !

    As for moving in with your sister , I would say ... WAIT ! You may find that after you have fully adjusted to this change in your life , and your financial situation , that you may be able to afford & deal with , living as you have been , in your beloved country side with SPACE ! On the other hand , you may find that once you have had that "adjustment" period ,that you can after all stand to be around people , and may even WANT to have the extra company & companionship . As far as the meal prayers and such ... I have a prayer with EVERY meal ... now EMERY does NOT pray at meals , and rather than made a big deal of it , which would do NO good , and only upset me , I bow my head , and "silently" give my grace (even at restraunts) . This way , I am continuing to do what I feel is right , yet I am not forcing myself onto Emery or anyone else . As far as the smoking goes , perhaps there could be some kind of "ground rules" if you decide to move in with her ... after all it would be YOUR home too ! Maybe there could become a "smoking" and "non-smoking" places in the home . For example ... YOUR room would be "non-smoking" , and I would sugjest the Kitchen as a "non-smoking" as well , because that is a "common" room to both of you . If she really wants you to move in with her , and she cares deeply for you , things should work out fine ! About her family "get togethers" . Honey , just as you are a self discribed "loner" , she maybe a "people person" . A compromise could be worked out in this situation as well . Maybe at the "get togethers , you could "pop" in to say "HOWDY" , and then retreat to your room for peace and solice . Or perhaps make arrangements to do some errands , go to a quiet library , or such .

    What ever you do , dear Rose , do NOT do it in a "rush" . Like you said , you do not want to do anything that you may later regret ! Bless your heart ... your heart , mind and soul must be so over loaded right now . Please know that there are so many of us here who love you very much , and are willing to do as we are now ... lend a ear , and extend a helping hand ! Sending you an ever so big basket of (((HUGS))) aplenty ! God bless you .

    With very much love & total RESPECT . Nonie
  6. Jude

    Jude New Member

    Harmony has already given you some good advise. Don't make any major decisions for at least a year. Even under the best of circumstances after the death of a spouse making decisions is dificult. I know that you love your sister but living with her at the present time would probably be a mistake. I think that it is good that you continue to visit with her and help each other at the present time.

    As for the finances, life has changed. I think that surviving spouses feel a need to continue life as close to what they had before the death. For you that was probably helping Bea. You need to sit down with her and discuss what is coming in and what expenses are. You will need to work together to balence the budget.

    I had to take my kids out of private school and put them in public school. I also had to drive a cheaper car. I felt at first a pressure to keep life as they had known it. But it finally dawned on me that wasn't realistic. Life had changed and I had to change with it.

    At this point in time you will be doing good just to make small decisions about daily life. Such as what to have for dinner. Please don't make any big life altering decisions now. You also need daily contact with people--not a lot of people but someone everyday. Will remember you in petitions to the creator.

    Jude
  7. strider aragorn

    strider aragorn New Member

    being a pagan and all! Hi Rose, sorry to hear about the way the changes in your life are affecting you. Lots of good advice and prayers and thoughts have come your way. You are the one that will make the choices that will keep you whole, you may have help from your God and your friends but ultimately you will choose.
    You will choose what is rational and right and what will work for you.
    In my opinion, people are walking all over you because you are vulnerable. But you are only vulnerable for awhile. Rose will rise again and probably kick ass all over Texas if she has to. You cannot live your life for others, subjugating your desires and dreams and needs because others "need" you. What if you weren't there, would they get on with life, darn tootin they would.
    You recognize within yourself, the loner. You and Jim were one and you needed no other, but I also think you just like being alone. No shame in that. You are probably the nicest person you know (grin).
    I cannot see you living in a situation which conflicts so strongly with your basic morals and beliefs. It is asking for strife you do not need.
    Take time. Think. What is best for you? It will come to you when you are not looking for it. That is a Zen thought. Peace be with you.
    strider
  8. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    I am in agreement with Harmony and Jude, no major decisions now. What they both said about your daughter-in-law is good sound advice, explain that you are not in the situation you were in before, and the extras have to come to a complete stop.

    As for the driving to and fro, I have no idea how you are managing to do that anyhow.

    But anything more permanent than the general stuff, like moving or having someone move in, I would surely wait a year on that one.

    I have already told my three children what I want in case anything would happend to Richard, as we live in a way like you and Jim did, he is gone a lot and I am alone a lot. I would want to just stay where I am if at all possible. I would not want to have a lot of company (both my sons have a teenager, plus one is a social animal, never ending company, parties etc.), or live in a city, or with my kids. I have no other family. I would not mind someone living on the property(which is big enough for a mobil home etc.) but not in the house with me! I am not selfish, but am very private. I understand what you are saying.

    As for me going first, they are instructed to leave Richard alone untill he decides what he wants to do with everything, I even went so far as to ask them what they wanted, and I would see they get it, I don't want them squabbling about any of my 'junk',so thats settled too.

    This is off the top of my 'head', I am going to pray for you, and I will write you when I feel I have something constructive and prayfully worth saying.

    If you want to write me Rose, please feel free to do so. ShirlShalom@aol.com

    Take care sweet lady, and know that we all want the best for you, and I personally always pray for you.

    Shalom, Shirl

  9. Gail8899

    Gail8899 New Member

    It's still relatively early in your having to start a new life of your own, Rose. No wonder you are having a hard time making such decisions. Are you sure you're not hearing God's voice already? Maybe he's saying that Bea needs to start standing on her own two feet (or His) because you won't be around forever either. You've spent so many years taking care of everyone. Isn't it time to maybe let them take care of themselves?

    I thought I'd die when my boys left home but it has given me more time to spend with the Lord than I ever had before. It's time that I've needed but didn't know it. I'll be praying that your eyes will be opened to the path you should take, and that you be given the courage to step out onto it.

    ....Gail
  10. Pixie

    Pixie New Member

    Remember HIS WAY, HIS TIME, HIS WILL, there are so many here that have given very good advice, but from where I stand would like to give mine, my children are my life, grandkids, mom, what you are telling me is exactly where I have been, but you have an illness, does anyone see this? you cannot possibly be dependable, the driving this one and that one back and forth, what if you are too ill that day? etc. you know what I mean? you need to tell them, for their sake and yours. I sometimes do not like to get on this board and mention the fact that I am not ill, because sooooo many are, I'm here for my daughter who has fms. I am saying that this time to say this, all the housecleaning,errands,pick up, drop off, doc apts, etc, would make a well person sick, been there,done that, and would not want do to different, but you are certaintly not in a position to be doing this, or you will get yourself down so that you will need their help, will anyone of them be there for you? I lost my husband 5 years, and cannot imagine taking on this task at that time.
    I suggest you pray, think, waite, and when YOU get an answer, speak to your family and let them know what you and your answer from above have decieded.
    you mentioned your sister, she does not pray before meals, I would bow my head, and not say a word to her, she will know what you are doing, a firm believer in actions speak louder than words, our lives is a testimomy, and when we preach, or push religon, they usualy have a deaf ear.
    Now I sound like my southern Baptist Minister dad, he died 14 years ago, miss him.
    will be praying for you that you will be strong in your descision, and you and all concerned will be at ease with it.
    Good luck, and God bless
  11. teach6

    teach6 New Member

    Dearest Rose,

    At this point in your life you have so many things to sort out. It is not a good time to make big decisions, as so many have already mentioned.

    Take a look at yourself and decide what you need for yourself, first. You no longer have Jim to share the burden, it's all on you (and God) right now. Give yourself some more time before making changes.

    I do think it would be wise to set boundaries with all these people and let them know while you care deeply for them you are not phsyically or financially able to do all they are asking.

    Take care. You are in my prayers.

    Hugs,
    Barbara
  12. BonnieQ

    BonnieQ Member

    I can't really add much more to the above as they are right, take time in changing your way of life. I think you should definately tell your daughter in law that you cant do all that they expect you to do, it is tiring and the cost is too much.
    A next door neighbor of ours had a similar situation as yours. She moved to be close to her husbands relatives, then her husband passed away. She was used then by his relatives and all they wanted was her money . She ended up going back to work in a motel cleaning and mind you she was in her late 70's and she ended up passing away herself , she was exhauted and was broke.
    I will pray for guidance for you. BonnieQ
    [This Message was Edited on 04/14/2002]
  13. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I will pray for you that you find peace in your decisions.

    I believe that no one should make any big decisions right after a spouse's death unless it is absolutely necessary. There is still too much disruption to be able to think and act clearly.

    I do believe that you simply must explain your financial problems to your family. If they love you, they will understand and try to help instead of take advantage. Having financial problems is one of the most stressful things we can suffer.

    If you feel you really do want them to leave, it would be better to do it sooner rather than later. They should be able to understand that you need your peace and some time alone.

    I feel it would be disasterous for you to move in with your sister. The family lifestyle and values are just too different from your own. Notice that I'm not being judgemental, just as you are not judging them. It's just that I'm afraid you would never be able to adjust and would never have the peace you require.

    Rose, I'm like you. I'm a more private person who likes living alone. It has been a tremendous adjustment having my Mom move in. She is a very sweet lady and has been my financial salvation. I like being able to help her with things she can no longer do; she's 92. She just is no longer able to live alone. It was a very convenient set of circumstances which led to our living together. However, it has been very stressful in many ways for me. We simply operate on different wavelengths.

    Now, having said all this, I want you to know that these are just my opinions. No one can tell you what you ought to do. Since you asked for feedback, I felt compelled to give you my two cents' worth. I hope you can find your own way which will give you the peace you deserve. I am praying on this for you.

    Love, Mikie
  14. JazzieS

    JazzieS New Member

    I don't know what brought me here today, but am
    glad I did.

    I know that when a crowd gathers and pray for something, it definately will be heard. I'm
    adding my prayers here too. May God opens up
    the hearts and eyes of others who affects your
    life, may God heals you and give you the peace
    that you need....More importantly, have your faith, and let God do the rest.

    There's only one of you....my dearest friend,
    you need to do what is best for Rose, remember
    what would put a grin on Rose's face, how does
    it feel to have the connection of dirt(the earth)
    and your hands, heart and soul; how to heal Rose
    not just in spirit, but in health too.

    Everyone who loves you cares about Rose's well
    being. If you feel that you're not ready to make
    a decision, DON'T!!!! If Bea's request gets too
    unrealistic for you....explain to her like a mother would...

    In time, Rose, you'll feel that you're able to
    make life changing decisions.

    God be with you, Rose,

    All my love, Jazzie



    [This Message was Edited on 04/14/2002]
  15. SOULWRITER

    SOULWRITER New Member

    DEAR ROSE IF THIS BE THE ONLY THING I REPLY TO GOD PLEASE GRANT ME THE WORDS TO EXPRESS MYSELF.

    ROSE EVERYONE HAS GREAT ADVICE AND YES WE SHOULD ALWAYS DO GOOD NO MATTER WHAT EVEN WHEN IT SUCKS MY HUSBAND IS SUCH A DO GOODER BUT I LOVE HIM.

    AND AS YOU LOVED JIM AND FOLLED IN HIS DREAMS IT IS KNOW TIME TO CARE FOR YOURSELF.

    IF YOU DO NOT FEEL YOU COULD LIVE WITH YOUR SIS YES TAKE TIME MAYBE SIX MONTHS MAYBE A YERA PICTURE WHERE YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR LAST DAYS WHAT WOULD BRING YOU JOY AND WHO COULD YOU BRING JOY.

    INSTEAD OF WORRING ABOUT GAS MONEY IT WILL COME TEACH THE GIRL TO DRIVE IF SHES OLD ENOUGH IF NOT ASK ABOUT A CAR POOL WITH SOMEONE ELSE YOU DO TWICE A WEEK THEY DO THREE OR SOMETHING.

    INSTEAD OF FEELING USED FEEL HELPFULL I DONT KNOW YOUR FAMILY DINAMICS WE ALL HAVE ONE YOULL DO RIGHT IT HASNOT COME TO YOU YET BECAUSE ITS NOT TIME FOR YOU TO MAKE THAT CHOICE YET GET AROUND TELL THEM YOUR FEELINGS AND MOVE FROME THERE THE LORD BLESS AND KEEP YOU ROSE AS HE DOES EVERYDAY.

    YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU WOULD GET THIS FAR DID YA BUT HEAR YOU ARE BASICLY ASKING HOW TO HELP THESE OTHER PEOLLE SO THAT ALL MAY BE HAPPY YOU REALY ARE A GEM LOVE YOU ROSE LOVE GAIL

    A ROSE BLOOMS TO BRING BEAUTY AND A SENCE OF A CALM TO ALL AS I AM SURE YOU DO WELL.