Today I went to see a doctor about a problem I have in a embarassing place. And as dumb as this sounds I am terrified about finding a new GYN. I have had the same one for over 28 years. I don't want to go thru all the things I need to to find a new GYN. I have had so many female problems that to me each check up makes me feel like there will be something wrong with me. Three years ago I had to have my bladder repaired and after the surgery was over and I should have healed , I was still in so much more pain. My doctors told me that it was just because every thing that happens to me is not the norm. And they were right I had developed a hematoma that was 7 cm x 5 cm x 2 cm. And it took months to have it heal and dislove on it's own. And I still have pain in that region. Today when I saw the doctor I felt so nervous that I was in tears and I sat there and just bawled. I din't want to have this doctor see me or to even exam me. NOt because he was not a good doctor but because I didn't know him and I don't have the friendship and understanding that I had with my other doctor. I was in tears while the nurse took my B/P which was high 130/90 Not so good. But I had calmed down by the time the doctor walked into the room . I sat there with tears in my voice teling him that I was terrified of him and of the exam he was to do. I had only had 1 doctor that had done that kind of exams and now he is retired and I don't know what to do. I don't know who I want to be that doctor. I don't know if a GP is the best doctor to have for what female parts I have left. I have with fibro and CMP ,DDD spinal stenosis, facet syndrome, arthritis in my knees, Bulging disc's L4-L5 and other pain issues as well. I dread talking to a doctor about what I take for pain and how much I take for my pain. I am worried about my pain doctor who is going to trail for suxual abuse of 2 female patients, I know that he did nothing wrong . But that is my belief as well as some of the 1000 patients he has. I have NO control over the outcome of his trial but I have faith that he will be found innocent of all charges. But it still makes me mervous and up set that someone could lie and that something will go wrong and once again I lose a pain doctor and have to find another one. And I don't want to have to do that. For me it means having to drive at least a hour to see a pain doctor and then I have to find one who will treat me as this one does. With the same meds as he uses for me as they are working. So I sit and worry about things I have no control over. Silly isn't it. But that is what I seem to do best. Tonight it is so hard as I am home alone as my hubby has bone hunting for a week and I don't like being alone. I am fine all day long but at night I want my hubby with me. I need to have him here with me. I feel so alone when he is not here. As some of you may know about 4 years ago my husband's mother became ill and during her illness my husband asked for a divorce.He stayed here till our youngest graduated from high school and then he was gone for 3 months . During this time I had people tell me to let go of him and I would be fine on my own. But some where in my heart I felt like I was missing my other half. I knew that he still loved me and I loved him. But I felt like my life was gone that the only person that had made any scence to me was not living with me and I needed him to be there with me. Later in the fall I got phemumonia and spent a few days in the hospital as I could not keep my o2 levels up . And he calls me and asked me if I still loved him, I told him yes, he then asked me if I wanted a divorce and I said I never have, he asked me if I would go to marrriage counsleing and I said I would then he asked to come home. IT took some time but we worked out the problems that we had and yes we still have some issures but all couples do. I Learned that I really love him and that I need him in my life. HE is the most speical man I know. And I knew that we were to be together. I knew that when we married it as going to be forever , and we could get thru every problem that came out way. And for the most part we have. I Learned that losing his mom and dad with in 5 years was just more than he could stand and he felt he needed some place to be alone. HE was scared of how he felt . I learned that I have a great man for a husband , one who works hard and takes time off to go hunting as we all need some time out of the pressure of life. But the thing that I didn't learn was NOT TO SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. I know that it is so silly but I worry about things that are really dumb. Thanks for being here to night so that I don't feel so alone and lost. Many hugs to all, Rosemarie Sorry if I didn't stay on track with my post. I tend to wander when I think about my life. I missed out on so much of it with other problems that I don't want to share right now. But I thank you for supporting me when I tend to ramble on.