I sure could use some help and a shoulder....

Discussion in 'Caregivers' started by heff, Dec 17, 2002.

  1. heff

    heff New Member

    My husband was JUST diagnosed with depression...but way after "shit hit the fan" with us. I was with him for three years where I sort of knew something was painful, and it just manifested itself to where it got totally ugly in July. I became violent with him because he became SO IMPOSSIBLE to live with. He went for 2 months not really saying anything to me about his feelings and then one day announced that he wanted to be on his own. We have sold our home, moved in different apartments and he wants a divorce because "he can't go back". He is not on medication yet because he just went to the doctor for the first time last week. He told me today to give up any hope of us working things out, tells me I deserve a better live, too. I have tried to remain strong with him, and he sees it as "I have moved on and am doing so well without him" and that I was in a "no win" situation with him.

    I feel so lost and sad. I don't know if these signs of pessimism are a sign of his disease or if I should just get divorced. One day he is nice and sweeet to me, the next day, he just wants away from me.

    Is there anyone out there who can help me? I am so tired and confused. Thank you.
  2. Milo83

    Milo83 New Member

    I haven't posted on here in months, but your post caught my eye..I don't know how much help I can be..I have suffered from depression/anxiety most of my adult life (now 49yrs old)& it is very hard sometimes..You say one day he is so nice and sweet and the next day he wants away from you - that is probably how he actually feels due to his depression..Probably once he gets on medication, he will gradually get better..But be prepared and don't look for any miracles over night..It often takes several attempts at different antidepressants to find one that will work the best on a person with the least amount of side effects..
    Do you truly still love this man?? That would be the key, if I were in your shoes..If you do, then you have to do whatever it takes to get him back and work things out..
    Does he still love you?? There are so many factors here to consider..Would you/he both consider counseling together to get your marriage back..
    You said you got violent with him, exactly how violent, and was this all because of the way he was acting due to his depression..
    I would atleast try to talk him into not making any decisions about divorce or getting back together, till he can get stronger mentally..Some people do feel they need to work things out on their own..
    If you love him and want this to work, TELL HIM, & just ask him not to make any decisions right now..Go slow with him, and him with you..I don't think I've really helped too much here, but that is how I would handle it for now..
    Take it slow...Wishing you the best.......Take Care.........
  3. heff

    heff New Member

    Milo....Thank you so much for your reply. Well.....to be perfectly honest, I do still love my husband, but he cannot answer the hard question of if he still loves me. Everyone I have sought help from says if he does not love himself then he cannot possibly be in love with me. He says he loves me, but does not know what "in love" means anymore. I hope his doctor puts him on medication tonight and am at peace with knowing it could take some time for him to feel better. I have been very supportive of him--he has told me that this is 100% his fault, that I was in a no-win situation with him and he had expectations of me that were impossible to live up to....it does make me feel better to know this and yes, living with someone who has depression and is constantly paranoid of what I a doing, where I am, who I am with, does make it hard to live. One day he came home after drinking (which he does not do) and called me a whore--I told him I was leaving him and he wrestled me to the ground and wouldn't let me up...I bit his arm and hit him over the head with picture. I have NEVER hit another human being in my life, but I am a rape survivor and being called a whore and being held down took me to a scary place and I reacted. I have been in anger management counseling and certainly realize that what I did is regrettable and I am ashamed of it, but I forgive him and myself for what transpired. We were both victims of circumstance. So I have moved passed it and am willing to work things out slowly and to go to counseling, but he is not. He says he just needs to put the whole thing behind him and wants to hurry up with the divorce. I don't want to make his life any harder so I will do what he wants. I have given him money, paid his bills, helped him move, and have never been mad at him since he left. I think my anger management class has helped me to calm down and grow also. I know he is in pain and I want to be a good person to him. I know he doesn't mean anything he does or says right now. I have told him I loved him and would stand by him and thought it was unfair that we are in this place without doing everything possible (like having him on meds) to save our marriage, but he used these words yesterday to me.....Donna, give up all hope--it is hopeless. It hurts to hear it, but I appreciated his honesty..although from what I understand of people with depression--EVERYTHING seems hopeless.

    How are you? Thanks for listening and I look forward to more of your words of wisdom.
  4. Milo83

    Milo83 New Member

    Now that I read more of your story, it has brought tears to my eyes..I'm so sorry..But I still think that things could be worked out between the two of you..He just hasn't had the chance yet for medication to help him..All I can say for you is to be there and support him the best you can even if you are not living together..Maybe try to change the subject when it comes to divorce or try to reason with him, that you would like to wait until medication would take effect..Tell him that you want him to have a clear mind when going through a divorce, so that might put him off on the divorce issue..
    Maybe he doesn't love himself right now, but with proper medication, he will again..And in turn he will be capable of loving you too..He doesn't realize it now, but if he pushes for a divorce, he will probably end up regretting it big time once medication has helped him, then he will get depressed all over again..My heart goes out to you and him, this is such a hard thing to begin with and then with the Holiday Season makes it twice as hard..
    As for myself, yes I still suffer from depression, but I manage with my meds to be able to go on..There are some times that are worse than others, you just have to fight like all H***!!There is no miracle drug out there to take it all away..
    You are correct in saying: Everything does seem hopeless to a person suffering from depression..I really think if you had a good relationship before all this happened you can get it back, but only time will tell..
    Wishing you and him the best!!!!!!Take Care..........Donna
    "Please keep me updated"
  5. Bree

    Bree New Member

    HELLO..........I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW! MY ILLNESS' MY EX DID NOT HANDLE ME CORRECTLY.......SO? AFTER 28 YEARS OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE? HE ABANDONED ME.......
    HE HAD HIS "HOE" AND I HAD MY MEDS, WHICH I ABUSSED....NEVER AGAIN!!!!!
    MEN DO NOT UNDERSTAND CHITT, FOR IF THEY WERE IN OUR SHOES? THEY'D NEVER MAKE IT ..........ALL THEY ARE THINKING OF IS" THAT PIECE OF MAGIC BETWEEN THEIR LEGS"!!! BAH....
    MEN ARE COWARDS, EXCEPT IN WAR........THEY THIK THEY CAN JUST SAY "WELL? I AM LEAVING YOU, I'VE HAD IT WITH ALL YOUR AILMENTS"
    IF I CAN DO IT, AND I WAS 61 WHEN THIS CHITT HAPPEND.....
    SO THEN CAN YOU~~~~~OH? HIS HOE SLEPT IN OUR BED WHEN I WAS AWAY........THEY BOTH ARE RED-NECKS AND MARRIED ONE ANOTHER
    THAT WAS WHEN HE HAD TAKEN MY FORTUNE AWAY.....($$$$$$$)
    YOU GO GIRL.......YOU WILL DO THIS........I WAS ALL ALONE WHEN MY JERK-OFF DID TO ME WHAT HE DID......YOU CAN DO IT TOO......I JUST KNOW YOU CAN.......
    GET ANGRY, CLENCH YOUR TEETH AND GO FORWARD....YOU WILL
    DO ANYTHING YOU WANT TO DO.....YOU ARE STRONG, SO DO NOT ALLOW "HIM" TO END YOU LIFE.....WHY? IT IS JUST BEGINNING....MUCH GOOD LUCK~~~~~

    MY PRAYERS TO YOU & YOURS.......
    "LET GO: LET GOD"

    Bree,
    Lakeland, FL.

  6. annabanana

    annabanana New Member

    Depression is one thing. Your husband telling you in no uncertain terms that he wants OUT of this marriage, can't go back with you, can't work things out, etc., etc, - is quite another. He is - and I know you don't want to hear this - spelling something out for you in mile high letters that you need to pay VERY close attention to.
    For what ever reason that has NOTHING to do with you, but only HIS own self serving interests, this man IS no longer interested in being committed to you. Nor is he interested in doing what is best for YOU, regardless of what he may be telling you. These BS excuses, his unwillingness to work things out, his "depression" excuse is just his way of letting himself off the hook.
    Any one who can't even give you the simple courtesy of communicating honestly with you about his true feelings and intentions, any one who can leave you sitting and sufferring out in the cold for 2 long months, is no more concerned -today - with what is best for you, any more than your husband was concerned with what was best for you during those months he left you hanging to think, and feel and fear and dread the worst.
    Personally speaking, I feel that this man is nothing more than a controlling, manipulative, self serving, passive/aggressive individual who will resort to what ever kind of underhanded means are necessary, to get what whatever he wants out of people. And when he has gotten his needs, and his wants met - it's adios charlie - done in a very 'nice' way of course, so that no one sees him for what he really is.
    If it were my choice I would race to give this man his walking papers ASAP, and I would be grateful as hell that I didn't have to spend one more minute of my life with some one who can look me straight in the face, and tell me that he is "letting" me go ......because he loves me.....because it's BEST for ME.
    Sorry dear, but that age old excuse is older than the dust on the hills. It's time to take your head out of the sand, and take note of how this man is playing you. You deserve better. And deep down you know it too. In an ironic way, he really is doing what is best for you....in the long run. You just don't see that yet. But maybe after reading this you will. Best of luck, and LOL coming your way, if, you just close the door on this man, and, open another for someone else to walk into your life, who, will honestly love you and will treat you in such a way that leaves no room for doubt. Anna
    [This Message was Edited on 02/01/2003]
    [This Message was Edited on 02/01/2003]
    [This Message was Edited on 02/01/2003]
  7. chubs

    chubs New Member

    Dear Heff,
    My advice is to waite until he is on the proper medication and has taken it long enough to be effective before either of you make anymore dicession. Thing can look all together different to a person who suffers with depression when they are on the proper medication. Encourage him to continue to see his doctor. Hope this helps. DeeDee