My dad has Congestive Heart Failure right now. He refuses to go to Hospital and his heart is not working on the one side. Hes home on meds, but hes in bad shape and wont listen to Anyone.I KNEW the other day when my mom (she doesnt live with him they have been divorced since I was 16)described what was wrong with him that it was CHF. Only because Im a medical assistant and I also was an EMT for several years and we transported many people like him. I also volunteered in the Hospital ER as an ER tech and saw many come in looking just as bad with the same symptoms. He actually looks ashened from the lack of oxygen and he struggles to breath. He hasnt even gotten himself a cardiologist. He saw his regular MD and he wanted to admit him ASAP and he refused. He sent him on his way with a handful of RX and hoping for the best. AT any momment he can drop dead. Its that bad. He can throw a clot or clots somewhere and have a stroke. Its really really bad...and he will not do the right thing. I swore I wouldnt get upset or cry...hes been a mean ol' basturd all my life and I grew up in an abusive household. Im 39 now and my father STILL knows how to get me emotionally so I have kept my distance for a while keeping in little contact except for holidays and family birthday. When mom first told me yesterday I was angry at him. I kept saying that hes a stupid old fool and what happens to him is his own fault...if he wants to die then so be it, thats is choice.... after a while, I started picturing him dying along in the house and no one being there (he has a fiance but she works)....laying on the floor grabbing hold of his chest and dying a terrible dead...I pictured his funeral and poof the feelings just rushed right into me and I began losing it.I know sounds sick doesnt it and Im not sure why I had these thoughts...all I knw after that the panic set in. I felt my eyes well up and stopped myself and just got angry again to help me fight the tears. I got thru the night. I did talk to him and we actually had a laugh or two...thats Something thats very rare considering my dad is nothing but a negative judgemental person whos never ever had anything nice or positive to say about me, my husband or our 4 kids. I have always been the "black sheep of the family" since I keep my distance from him and my siblings because of the emotional issues it has caused over my entire life. Anyway, you get the point. Now here I am...my day off...quiet house and a million things to do including two check books that are so messed up because I have been careless with them, a stack of bills, some of which are really late and 4 kids off to school and not enough distraction around me to NOT be thinking about my Dad. Ill call him in a little while (he sleeps late) but in the meantime, just when I thought I was strong and got a grip on myself I have been crying. I called hubby to tell him I ordered an Edible Arrangement for my dad this morning and I was FINE until hubby had to say "How are you this morning..." and then I lost it and have been crying since. Again, I SWORE I WOULDNT CRY OVER MY DAD...here I am...crying. thanks for listening. A quiet house is hard when your trying to contain your feelings. HUGS!