I thought my husband understood...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by gymmbabe, Jun 25, 2006.

  1. gymmbabe

    gymmbabe New Member

    but, I have just learned that he doesn't. Here is what happened. About 20 minutes ago, he decided that he wanted to take the kids fishing. He asked if I wanted to go. I looked at the clock, it was almost 8:00 pm. I knew that an hour into the fishing trip, I would be exhausted and ready for bed. I told him no, go ahead and take the kids.

    He said, You used to love to go fishing.

    I said, I will again...as soon as I get back to myself, I am really working on it.

    He said, You will never be back to yourself.

    The disappointed look and sound of his voice broke my heart. I have never felt this alone. For the longest time, I turned to my husband for support. Now what do I do?

    Thanks for listening,
    Dawn
  2. Michelle_NZ

    Michelle_NZ New Member

    I understand how you feel - we are the same age.

    Perhaps your husband is going through a grieving process of his own - he may feel (for the time being) that he has lost his "old" wife.. and that is normal for him to feel a little sad about it.

    I'm sorry you feel alone. I feel the same way, even though I think my partner does understand my illness to a great degree. My personal view is that unless the other person has experienced this illness for themselves, that there is just NO WAY they can possibly fully understand how it is for you.

    Sometimes there are no words to describe the pain and suffering I am going through, and it is lonely - but I do take solace in the fact that there are others on this site - lke you, who DO know and understand though.


    Take care
    Michelle


    [This Message was Edited on 06/25/2006]
  3. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    From time to time my DH gets despondent like this, will remind me how I used to be......

    He is always sorry the next day, it is just disappointment that causes it not lack of understanding, he misses "you" too.

    Try and forgive him, he probably regrets saying it.

    Love Anne Cromwell
  4. suzette1954

    suzette1954 New Member

    Maybe Im not reading the message right.

    FM has changed every aspect of my life and I will never be the same again unless they find a cure for this DD.

    I dont want you to lose hope for a cure, but I cant do many of the things I used to love to do including work.

    Suzette
  5. mrsjethro

    mrsjethro New Member

    Dawn,
    I am very new at this. I have only been diagnosed for about 3 months, but I have been sick for many years. My husband goes through these times also. There are days that he could not possibly be any more kind, considerate, and understanding - and then there are the days that he seems to just completely lose his temper with me because I can't do the things that I once enjoyed so much. I sometimes even feel like he believes that I just don't "want" to do certain things. And I can assure you that this is not the case, much as your own scenario.

    I think that sometimes he (I can only speak for my own situation) has times that he is so frustrated because there is no way that he can "fix" me, and I think other times, he mourns the person that I used to be and the life that we used to be able to enjoy together.

    I just emailed the "web guys" here on the board and asked them if they would consider setting up a spousal (or significant other) message board for them. I see my hubby go through frustration, anger, confusion, and an entire range of emotions. He tries to understand, but he can't. I thank God for that, because the only way that he would ever truly understand is if he had it himself.

    He posted one time on this board, and a lot of really wonderful people replied to him, but he hasn't come back since. I don't think that he is to the point yet that he wants to understand what we are going through physically, so much as he would like to have a place to talk with other non-fm/mps/cfs about how to deal with his own range of emotions from all of this.

    Maybe if some of us could contact the web guys, then they would see a real need for a message board just for our family members.

    Now, back to your final question, just try to be as patient with him as possible. If he has been so supportive of you in the past, he is probably just going through a tough time dealing with his own emotions and feelings of loss, and will most likely be back as your main supporter as soon as he gets a grip on himself.

    It sounds like he may actually be grieving because he is now facing the fact that this is very real and that as far as we know, to date, there is no cure and we will have to live with this for the rest of our lives. I just went through that period of mourning last week, myself, but I'm back to normal now.

    I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I pray for the entire community here on the board and their family members every night.
    ((((love, comfort and gentle hugs))))
    mrsj
  6. CockatooMom

    CockatooMom New Member

    You do what you just did...turn to your friends and family HERE!

    So sorry you are having to go thru this and feeling SO alone. But, you have us to support you when you feel that way.

    I understand how words can hurt, even if they don't mean to.

    I agree that he just wanted you to be with them, and is probably missing the "old" you.

    I also agree that this opens the door for more conversation.

    Keep your chin up! I KNOW it's hard sometimes, we're also close to the same age.


    Mrsjethro.....What a WONDERFUL idea of a spouse/partner support board!!!

    Take care and be gentle with yourself.

  7. CockatooMom

    CockatooMom New Member

    You do what you just did...turn to your friends and family HERE!

    So sorry you are having to go thru this and feeling SO alone. But, you have us to support you when you feel that way.

    I understand how words can hurt, even if they don't mean to.

    I agree that he just wanted you to be with them, and is probably missing the "old" you.

    I also agree that this opens the door for more conversation.

    Keep your chin up! I KNOW it's hard sometimes, we're also close to the same age.


    Mrsjethro.....What a WONDERFUL idea of a spouse/partner support board!!!

    Take care and be gentle with yourself.

  8. ldbgcoleman

    ldbgcoleman New Member

    Your hubby sounds like a good guy who loves you. just because he is disappointed or frustrated with your illness does not mean he is not trying to understand. The truth is this DD has changed you but there can be positive with the bad. He is never gonna understand just like I will never understand losing a child but the fact that he loves you and is trying is worth so much. Set up a time to go fishing in the am when you feel better and be happy you have a husband who wants to spend time with you. Lynn
  9. gymmbabe

    gymmbabe New Member

    Thanks everyone! You know this is fairly new to me too. I guess I need to take step back and try to get into my hubby's head. I'm sure he is frustrated. I have been dealing with a bad bout of depression this week. His comment just added to the "I'm never going to survive this crap" week.

    If he is feeling this way, I'm sure my kids are dealing with it in their own way. I will be sure to keep my eyes and ears open a little better. This is not all about me and I need to realize that.

    Thanks for all of your support. I love the fact that I have a family here to vent to. You are the best!

    Dawn
  10. ldbgcoleman

    ldbgcoleman New Member

    Dawn,

    You can still be an excellent wife and mother even if you aren't the same as you were before. You may have to shift your expectations of what that is. I don't get in the floor and wrestle with my 4 year old or throw him in the pool like I did my older son but I read him books and do lots of puzzles games and crafts with him. He is flourishing

    You can turn your limitations into an asset and a learning opportunity for your children and your husband. Don't feel guilty just do the best you can and do it with love and your familly will be very lucky indeed. Lynn