I've struggled with Eating Disorders since I was 13 years old. Before hand, I was a happy, healthy, teenager. I weighed 97 lbs. naturally at 5'4", ran alot, danced alot, and ate whatever I wanted. During my teen years though, I abused exercise, diet pills, and followed a low carbohydrate diet. My weight fluctuated between 70-90 lbs., and I was hospitalized several times, both for physical and psychiatric complications. Once I started college, my Anorexia became so bad that I had to go away to a residential treatment facility. I stayed there for three months, actually recovered, and managed to work my way up to 120 lbs. I was still a size 0, looked great, felt incredible, and was really getting my life back together again. I was working, running, going to school, and rebuilding relationships. Things were looking up for me. Then in May, I lost my job, and started to become very depressed, because I could feel myself slipping back into patterns of over-exercising. I didn't want to tell anyone, because I didn't want to dissapoint them. I was so stressed out. I remember one day, after having eaten my lunch, going back for more food, thinking "If I'm hungry, I should eat more. Denying myself got me into this mess in the first place." Well, I went back for more food. And more, and more. Before I knew it, there was a pile of food wrappers sitting right before my eyes. I couldn't believe what I had just done. I told my mom and she said, that with my past, it was a good thing. I did the same exact thing again a few days later, and during the month of May, was binging about 3 times a week. I was still working out, going to school, and surprisingly, not gaining all that much weight. This all changed though in June. I remember my first time going through the drive-threw. It was right before class, and I really wanted a milkshake. I assured myself that it was alright to have, since I'd be working out for 2 hours after class anyhow. So I got the milkshake, suffered from a horrible insulin spike and crash during class, and needed more glucose to get me through my workout. So I went to Taco Bell, ordered a Burrito, and then got a McFlurry from the McDonald's right next door. I worked out, came home and then ate a huge slice of cake. My binges started becoming more and more frequent, and getting larger in the process. When in May, a binge for me would be about 3500 calories, I was now doing 7000 calories a day, easily. By the end of June, I had put on 15 lbs., and was so desperate that I attempted suicide. After the suicide attempt and psychiatric hospitalization, I sought out residential treatment again. Well that was a waste of my time. The program that I went to was terrible, and my insurance stopped covering me within two weeks. So I came home, continued binging, and stopped working out. The weight piled on so quickly- I gained another 15 lbs. almost effortlessly that month. Then in August, my inactivity grew even more extreme- to the point where I was laying in bed all day long. I gained 14 lbs. in two weeks, because I was so depressed. I went to my doctors and found out that I had a sluggish thyroid and dangerously low levels of vitamin D. So I am now on synthroid as well as a vitamin D supplement. Last week was a good week for me. I started running again. I used to be able to run a 5k in 20 minutes, 2 miles in 12 minutes, and 1 mile in 5:50. Well, it took me about 13 minutes to finish 1 mile. But atleast I did something. This week, I was up to running 3 miles in a row. It still depresses me though, to see how out of shape I am. I used to run 8 miles a day, no problem. I ate good for 4 days in a row the past week, too. But the past 3 days, I've been inactive and binging. The depression that lifted for a few days is coming back. I'm supposed to start school in 3 days and have no idea how I'm going to manage to do that. I really just want to die, because I am so overweight now, so depressed, and just embarressed for people to see me. I have barely seen anyone this summer, lost ties with most of my friends, and don't really care for anyone to see me in this state either. Yet, I am so lonely. To lose weight, I know that you need to ingest fewer calories than you are burning in a day, exercise, ect. It's just a matter of making myself do these things. I really can't. I hate being 160 lbs. so bad though. I'm up to a size 7/8 in jeans and never imagined myself this big. I just don't know what to do anymore.