I thought that I was through the worst of it, but I've ruined my life again

Discussion in 'General Health & Wellness' started by Julzdanceruns, Aug 26, 2011.

  1. Julzdanceruns

    Julzdanceruns New Member

    I've struggled with Eating Disorders since I was 13 years old. Before hand, I was a happy, healthy, teenager. I weighed 97 lbs. naturally at 5'4", ran alot, danced alot, and ate whatever I wanted. During my teen years though, I abused exercise, diet pills, and followed a low carbohydrate diet. My weight fluctuated between 70-90 lbs., and I was hospitalized several times, both for physical and psychiatric complications.

    Once I started college, my Anorexia became so bad that I had to go away to a residential treatment facility. I stayed there for three months, actually recovered, and managed to work my way up to 120 lbs. I was still a size 0, looked great, felt incredible, and was really getting my life back together again. I was working, running, going to school, and rebuilding relationships. Things were looking up for me.

    Then in May, I lost my job, and started to become very depressed, because I could feel myself slipping back into patterns of over-exercising. I didn't want to tell anyone, because I didn't want to dissapoint them. I was so stressed out. I remember one day, after having eaten my lunch, going back for more food, thinking "If I'm hungry, I should eat more. Denying myself got me into this mess in the first place."

    Well, I went back for more food. And more, and more. Before I knew it, there was a pile of food wrappers sitting right before my eyes. I couldn't believe what I had just done. I told my mom and she said, that with my past, it was a good thing. I did the same exact thing again a few days later, and during the month of May, was binging about 3 times a week. I was still working out, going to school, and surprisingly, not gaining all that much weight. This all changed though in June.

    I remember my first time going through the drive-threw. It was right before class, and I really wanted a milkshake. I assured myself that it was alright to have, since I'd be working out for 2 hours after class anyhow. So I got the milkshake, suffered from a horrible insulin spike and crash during class, and needed more glucose to get me through my workout. So I went to Taco Bell, ordered a Burrito, and then got a McFlurry from the McDonald's right next door. I worked out, came home and then ate a huge slice of cake.

    My binges started becoming more and more frequent, and getting larger in the process. When in May, a binge for me would be about 3500 calories, I was now doing 7000 calories a day, easily. By the end of June, I had put on 15 lbs., and was so desperate that I attempted suicide. After the suicide attempt and psychiatric hospitalization, I sought out residential treatment again.

    Well that was a waste of my time. The program that I went to was terrible, and my insurance stopped covering me within two weeks. So I came home, continued binging, and stopped working out. The weight piled on so quickly- I gained another 15 lbs. almost effortlessly that month.

    Then in August, my inactivity grew even more extreme- to the point where I was laying in bed all day long. I gained 14 lbs. in two weeks, because I was so depressed. I went to my doctors and found out that I had a sluggish thyroid and dangerously low levels of vitamin D. So I am now on synthroid as well as a vitamin D supplement.

    Last week was a good week for me. I started running again. I used to be able to run a 5k in 20 minutes, 2 miles in 12 minutes, and 1 mile in 5:50. Well, it took me about 13 minutes to finish 1 mile. But atleast I did something. This week, I was up to running 3 miles in a row. It still depresses me though, to see how out of shape I am. I used to run 8 miles a day, no problem.

    I ate good for 4 days in a row the past week, too. But the past 3 days, I've been inactive and binging. The depression that lifted for a few days is coming back. I'm supposed to start school in 3 days and have no idea how I'm going to manage to do that. I really just want to die, because I am so overweight now, so depressed, and just embarressed for people to see me. I have barely seen anyone this summer, lost ties with most of my friends, and don't really care for anyone to see me in this state either. Yet, I am so lonely.

    To lose weight, I know that you need to ingest fewer calories than you are burning in a day, exercise, ect. It's just a matter of making myself do these things. I really can't. I hate being 160 lbs. so bad though. I'm up to a size 7/8 in jeans and never imagined myself this big. I just don't know what to do anymore.
  2. stick2013

    stick2013 Member

    I too have been through anorexia, bulimia, depression and suicide attempts, so I can empathize with you. It's a rough place to be...

    The thing with eating disorders, is to remember that it's about control.....Try to figure out exactly what you are trying to control.....There has to be something that has triggered this. Some event, something someone said, some kind of stress that has triggered you initially to start on this path...I would think sometime before or around the time you turned 13, as you said this is when the eating disorder started for you. My eating disorders stem from a very abusive childhood through my teenage years, and the death of one of my abusers that always threatened to haunt me after she died. She died when I was a child and this caused sever anxiety and trauma for me..

    The other thing you need to understand is that you you need help. Getting into therapy will help you figure out your emotions and your triggers, and a good therapist will help teach you healthy coping skills and diversions to avoid getting caught into the trap...You will ALWAYS struggle with eating disorders, because you have now developed a bad coping skill. It's been ingrained in you, but know that you can change that bad habit(coping skill) with new HEALTHY coping skills. I am now in my late 50's and yes, I still do struggle with this issue at times of stress, but I also know that I do have other choices with healthy coping skills.......

    Good luck, and if you need any more help, or just a place to vent, this is an ok place to do just that.....Hang in there, and don't give up......