I thought that things came in three's

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by rosemarie, Oct 2, 2012.

  1. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    The past month has been one of the hardest times for me. First my Mom who is 85 fell on Sunday three weeks ago. She didn't break any bones but her kidneys were not doing good and she was going into renal failure. She was dehyrated as well, Mom spent 3 days in the hospital and is now in a rehab unit. She is to drink more fluids or her kidney's could have damage. And she does not drink enough no matter how much people tell her .

    Then My uncle passed away two weeks ago , He was 96 yrs old. I could not attend his funeral as it was in Magrath Alberta CAnada and I live in Utah and don't have a passport. and my mom is still not doing as well as we would like her to be.

    Next I was driving to my Mom's house when a woman who was stopped at a stop sign didn't look before she turned in front of me. I had the right of way as I was driving and was all ready in traffic, she just was not paying attention. I had to hit my braKe's so hard that they locked up and my body kept moving so I am still sore . That was about a week ago.

    Then last night my tooth started aching and I think ir may need a root canal. This has been so hard on me emotioanlly , phyically and I have reached the point of I can't stand it any more. All this emotion is not good for me as I react very strongly to every thing.

    When I almost hit the lady I was so scared that my body was all tensed up and stiff and so it just made the pain worse. I also was sso angry at her and wanted to tell her to pay attention to her driving. I was so upset and stressed that I didn't get her license plate as I could have reported this to the police but I don't think it would have done any good. They could not have changed what happened and thankfully we did not hit each other as it would have been a bad accident.

    I have been in so much pain and under so much stress that my body is flaring or crashing as it were. I don't remember when I have hurt this badly , I don't sleep well at night any way and now I am worried about my Mom so I wake up in the we hours of the morning in a panic thinking that some thing may have happened. I hold my Mom's medical power of atterney and it has been rough being the one that has to follow her wishs, they are not really clear and I need them to be clearer so that I don't have to do things I don't want to do.

    My life has been so busy with MOm in rehab, I drive into town every day or so to visit her , she calls me every day and wants me to come in and take hre out walking anda she hates the bath tub there so she asked me to come in and give her bed baths. I told her that the aides could do that for her. She is so lonely there, at home she is alone all day but at night she has my two grandsons to keep her happy, my oldest daughter and family live with my Mom and MOm miss's the boys so much as she usually see's then every day and now it is twice a week if that often, and she feels so left out of their lives.
    She was upset today because my brother has not called her or come in to vist her in over three months. He lives in another city and feels that it takes too long to drive and visit and then drive home. He now has infromed my daughter that he thinks that it would be easier on the boys if Mom were do pass away while in rehab, he thinks that she should not take them to visit very often as that way they get used to not seeing grandma every day and if she were to die it would not be so hard on them. But no matter where or when she pass's it will be hard on them as they have lived with her all their lives. jaden is 5 and Mason is 2 yrs. Both talk about mom every time I see them. I was at her house last night and Mason kept telling me "This my grama's chair , nanna this is grama alice's chair ok? , he asks when is grama comming home where is grama? and he is only 2 yrs old. Jaden wants to call her and talk to her every day and wants her to come home now.
    It is upsetting to me that my brother is acts more concerned about his nephews whom he really does not know well at all , and thinks to tell my daughter how and what to do in this sitsituaion. Yet he ecan't manage to come and see his own mother and he has not even called her to tell her that her grandson DAVid is getting married, but then neither has my nephew called mom to tell her he is engaged.
    My brother thinks that he has control of MOm's life and he is going to do what he thinks best for him as he is in control of her money and will have to pay bills after her passing. I really think that he would find away to make her stay in a nursing home rather than going back to her own home where she wants to go when she gets stronger. As I said I have medical power of attereney but he has tried to over ride my desisons in the past. And has caused alot of heart ache and problems for me.
    Enough of him , I have to let it go , I can't change him in any way and I am not talking to him as it jsut upsets me and cause;s more problems for MOm and my daughter.
    This is my life and right now I feel like it is so out of control and I am struggleing to try to get control back.
    Sorry for the griping session about my older brother, I am going to go read a book and try to relax and go to bed soon. I need to get some sleep. Thanks for listening to m e vent, rant and every thing else.
    Hopefully I will relax and the pain will ease up soon , it has been getting better and like all who live with fibro I have good and bad days. I have to make the best of the good days I have. Mom is doing much better and is wanting to go home, but knows seh needs time to get stronger so she can be safe when she is at home. I am working with the social worker and hopefully MOm will either qualify for hospice or Home health servce's. That will make it better for me.
    Thanks again.
  2. Saoirse3

    Saoirse3 Member

    and as hard as this sounds, you can't live people's emotional lives for them. The stress WILL make you so much worse! I know this from experience and this has been another "year from hell". My oldest daughter has PTSD and was screaming at me constantly, because I wasn't doing as she "commanded". She's in the Navy and said she would use the power of the Navy to MAKE me do it. I told her I was a civilian and I followed my OWN agenda. Second daughter was diagnosed with Pseudotumor Cerebri. She was rushed to the hospital to drain the fluid off her brain, and her eyes. She still has only partial vision. And as an unemployed, single mom with no car, she wants one thing - her mom and dad to move across the country and buy a house she and the kids can live in. So, basically, I would be raising my grandkids. Daughter 3 is ADHD, Bi-polar, Borderline Personality Disorder. She will "disappear" without warning and usually wind up in a crisis center or psychiatric facility about every 3 months. She has a 2 1/2 year old son. I was so emotionally drained this year I felt I had nothing to live for and nothing left to lose. My DH, who is my rock, my soul-mate and my best friend was with me every step of the way. I FINALLY made a choice, and it was HARD. It was THEM or ME. Did I go on living in pain, suffering, agony, dreading the ringing of the phone? OR, at 60 years old did I say "I want my life back, you are all adults and you must ACT like it now. You MUST fledge!"?

    I chose ME. Because I only get ONE life and it is MINE to do with what I see fit. Nobody has the right to take that from me. If I give in, if I make their lives my own, then I will never get to do the things that were important to ME. And when I am gone, will they have cared that I sacrificed my life for theirs? No, they will not and even if they did, I won't be around to see it.

    I am doing what I want to do now, and that is training to handle the birds I work with. The people at the Bird Treatment and Learning Center have been SO very kind to me. They know I have so many health problems and they have gone out of their way to make me feel so useful and needed. Through their encouragement, I am learning how to do presentations with a live bird on my glove. So far I have held a Great Horned Owl, a Merlin Falcon and my "sweetheart" a Northwestern Crow. I can prepare food, give medications, tube-feed and wrap up sore wings.

    My kids think I'm a few grapes short of a bunch. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. As Billy Joel sang, "I don't care what you say anymore, this is MY life..." Sure, I have days when I feel like I was dragged behind the Alaska Railroad from beginning to end. But I try to do something positive every day. For me. Because I'm here and I deserve it! You do too!

    Soft hugs,
  3. sunflowergirl

    sunflowergirl Active Member

    She's right....WE/US/ME have only one life to live and as much as we love our parents, siblings, husband, children, friends WE have to live OUR own life and let them live theirs.

    Try today to look at the glass as half full instead of l/2 empty. Look at the "almost accident" and remember how God blessed you instead of thinking on how you're hurting. Look at how you've had your eyes opened about your brother. Remind your mother how much you love her BUT there are caring people in the nursing home who care about her too and want to help her get well. Also....look at the warning she/you have been given about the NEED to drink enough water. STRESS this to your mother and how she needs to not only do this for herself but for you also. My neighbor lived for 2 years after he had to start dialysis......that was very, very hard on him and his family.

    Just curious....how do you have power of attorney but your brother has power over the $? And did you know there are different types of power of attorneys? We learned this last year when we were having a living trust drawn up. And is your power of attorney notarized?

    Stacy. You have a huge amount of stress on your plate. I feel so sorry for all that you go thru. But it's obvious you're learning your life lessons. Do you hear that sound? That's me cheering you on.
  4. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    Mom asked me when she first got sick about 15 yrs ago. She was haivng a stint put in her heart and asked me at that time, I was the only one who stayed with her when she was in the hospital. I watched her while she was sick and saw how sad and lonely she gets when she is sick.
    I do have a personal reason that I help out my Mom and I do it because I want too.

    My brother got the money end as Mom felt that he could handle it better. But now it is going to be his respondsiblity to pay for Mom's funeral when that time comes and yes I know it will.
    I have always been mom's medical contact so I am guessing that when she was really sick the first time I was the one there with her , supporting her emotinally, so she wanted me to do this and I said ok and I will keep on being her medical power of atterney.

    About the notarized thing , when she first asked me it was and a copy was sent to her doctor, and lawyer and me. This time nothing new was added but will be. and I think that I am going to have this new reivsion done all legal and get it notaized.

    I took her to her doctor yesterday and asked a qestion that has been bothing me. Mom has said that if she were to need life support and be on a ventilator that she was ok with it so long as it was tempary. I needed to know how long is temperary?

    I am going to talk with the social worker and change some things that have bothered me greatly. and then I will get it noterized.

    As to the statement about my taking the almost accident and complainging about it, the first thing I did was thank God that No one was hurt, no car was damaged and that we all were safe and ok. Yes I did have lots of pain and I was thinking about my self at the time, strangely it took my mind off Mom and how she is doing.

    I have been blessed to have a wonderful relationship with my MOm , I was deprived of having one with my dad due to his death nine days before my 13th birthday. I have always been closer to my Mom than either my brother or sister.

    I have to learn that hwo my older brother acts or does not act with a grain of salt as it is not worth the worry I have felt after talking tohim and always being told that I was making up how sick Mom was when I was telling the truth.
    YEs I am a bit irrated with him about that but I can't worry about him now. I have my family to be with and I entend to spend as much time with my 7 grandkids and their parents as I can. I will also keep spending time caring for my mom is any way I can, It is not to say that she may need other people to help care for her and I am ok with that.

    Thanks for your responce to my post.