i want my life back....

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by benton, Jun 10, 2003.

  1. benton

    benton New Member

    Hi

    I hope i dont depress anyone with this post, but im afraid im wallowing in self-pity today. I feel so lousy and dont want this rotten illness any more. Im still in my horrible first flare (3 weeks now) and am rapidly losing the fight to go on. Everyday i seem to have a new problem, skin probs, chest pain, new pain or stiffness and today i have the worst migrane imaginable! Its thundering outside and raining on and off heavily. I assume thats the reason for the pain, ive read on here it can affect people sometimes.

    I just want to feel well again, i havent had a good day for weeks now and its dragging me down. Im usually so silly and like to have a laugh and cheer up the fibromites in the chatroom but my sense of humour has left me.
    Im expected back at work in under 3 weeks and im so worried i wont be up to it. I just want to be well again and i want my sense of humour back. I dont want this pain anymore, i want to be able to enjoy the things i used to enjoy doing.

    My partner is taking me to the coast for a week at the end of july. Im so worried im going to spoil the holiday for him by not being able to do things like i used to. I want to be able to run down the beach collecting shells and pebbles, and climbing and exploring caves etc. I so used to love to do that. I dont want to hobble along, having to be supported in case i fall and not be able to bend down to pick up the shells and pebbles! I dont want to have to keep resting after just an hours walk!! I want my old life back, i just want to be normal again!! OHHH it makes me so angry..

    Sorry guys, i just had to let all that out. Im not normally a negative person, really LOL. Just struggling to come to terms with the impact this illness is having on my life. (and my partners too).

    God bless you all

    Benton(Mandy)
    xx
    [This Message was Edited on 06/10/2003]
  2. zestytx

    zestytx New Member

    One thing that has really helped me is one of those inflatable exercise balls. You can get it at Walmart in the sporting goods dept. I'm stretching on it twice a day and my back and arms feel SO MUCH BETTER. It's almost like a yoga workout, but the ball supports your body so you don't strain anything. Just be careful and go slowly if you decide to get it. Seems like it has helped my balance too.
  3. teller7

    teller7 New Member

    Oh Benton I want my life back too. I feel so terrible about 90% of the time and it's really dragging me down. I was diagnosed with CFS and FM in January. That seems like years ago. I just don't know how the people who have had this for years and years can go on. I see by your picture that you smoke. I do, too. Sometime I can't because it makes me feel dizzy and more foggy. I know smoking isn't good for you, BUT what else do we have, right? Hang in there. I'm trying, too.
    Carol
  4. Applyn59

    Applyn59 New Member

    Hi,

    I want my old life back too. It's so long ago I don't
    even know what it is. I have had chronic back pain for
    15 years and FMS for 9 years. I have been virtually
    bedridden for the past year until last week when
    I ventured outside for the first time in 8 months.
    It started when I was 27 and I am 41 and feel
    141. I am not married because I have been too
    sick and in too much pain to date.

    I get a new health problem yearly. You are
    not alone. Far from it, if that helps.

    Lynn
  5. 1Candee

    1Candee New Member

    I have undiagnosed CFS/FM---I have researched and researched my symptoms and always end up back here. I quit work 11 months ago because I could not take another day of dealing with the pain, dizziness, brain fog, sore throats, mega headaches plus vision/balance problems. It's like having an endless flu and I haven't had a good day for the longest. Felt all of this coming on for about four years since I had Mono but kept on truckin' thinking it was just stress/anxiety and one of these days I would wake up a new me--right! Yes, I'm down too--an unbearable day of doing chores for a couple of hours, laying on the couch crying and in pain, stressing over my dysfunctional daughter(age 20) and her deadbeat boyfriend. I actually tried to make plans and thought I could carry them out. I haven't seen my daughter or Grandbaby for 6 months now b/c I cannot drive like this and she lost her license for a year over numerous things, hubby works 2 and a half jobs and doesn't have time. We were going over there to visit them this weekend--Rosie promised me my grandaughter would be available---she's been known to farm Lolita out to different relatives--feel that she's getting on the boyfriend's nerves these days and he can't even watch Lolita while my daughter works. Chico sent my Grandbaby to his sister's knowing how much I wanted to see her. This is not even his child but he's apparently calling all of the shots in my daughter's abusive relationship with him. I was so upset---so upset I made my self sicker than I already felt and the plans fell through didn't go over there. Tried again for Sunday--hubby was going to take me over there and I told Rosie I wanted to see her and visit with her alone for once without Chico for one hour at a restaurant. This was unacceptable to her--if I couldn't accept Chico then to hell with me. The last couple of times Chico was in my home with my daughter and Grandbaby he picked up real quick on the fact that I wasn't feeling well and played it to the hilt--disrespected me and came between me and my daughter in arguments where she took his side. I could not handle that kind of stress. My own daughter and him are toxic people and to think my Grandbaby will be just like them is enough to send me over the edge. Hubby tells me to let go---let her and my Grandbaby go their own way and to stop playing the fool and sending them stuff--have stopped with the $$ I used to give her but send things to her and Lolita. It has helped me to vent here on this post that you started. I feel exactly where you are coming from---we are not only sick but we have to make these massive overwhelming decisions about the problems that are in our lives b/c of this DD or whatever. Never in my wildest dreams would I have believed that I would feel so totally out of control and in such a daily nightmare. My self esteem has bit the dust and I feel like a walking shell of a person on top of all of the other symptoms. Have not learned how to handle stress well and everything sends me over the top like in a constant state of overwhelm. I too tend to get in a very negative mode and try to concentrate with gratitude on my wonderful husband, pets, and the garden that I'm trying to keep up but it gets really hard--the struggle. We are all in this together and know exactly where you are coming from. I will pray for you---am trying to pray again but my faith has become weakened like my mind/body. You are not alone! Cat
  6. skychomper

    skychomper Member

    hi mandy, just want to say I hear you! this thing totally bites. most people don't understand how bad it is either. I know how desperate you are to get your life back. we all have talents and abilities and plans. Sometimes you just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. or you just feel so bad, you just want the tunnel to go away!!!

    anyway, I've had some bad times too...this last flare has lasted months, but things are getting better..whats helped me alot has been olive leaf extract-my skin is looking so great now, acne is about 85% gone, funny how external cleansers didn't help at all but OLE did. I took it first from a suggestion to control sinus pain and infection. it solved that and better skin was like a bonus. its improved my mood and gave me more energy too. Its given me a huge huge boost in seeing the light at then end of the tunnel and physically being able to get there. feel better- Im rooting for you!
    skychomper
  7. Stillkicking

    Stillkicking New Member

    Your feelings are so very normal with this condition. Nasal problems can cause migranes and many other symptoms. See if using saline nasal spray helps and if a ENT doctor can find whats wrong.
    Take care.
  8. IntuneJune

    IntuneJune New Member

    We certainly can sympathize!!!! I wanted to "second the motion" of an above poster, Zesty*** (sorry, cannot remember the rest). When I can do nothing, even too tired to eat, I CAN drape my body over the physioball. Gravity does the work. I just "hang" listening to music, just relaxing. I stay in one positon for awhile, maybe face down, then will flip over on my back, watch the ceiling for awhile, relax, breathe, take time, then one side, then the other. Listen to your muscles, gently try to get as much body over the ball to gently stretch out core muscles. No matter how much I hurt, or how tired I am, this always makes me feel better. First of all it helps the muscles, second of all I have a sense of having accomplished something.

    Please understand, we are not trying to reduce or simplify our-your problems to such a level that life will be fine if you just own a physioball. (Gee, wouldn't that be great) This is just one tool you could use. Good Luck, hope you feel better soon. Fondly, June
    [This Message was Edited on 06/11/2003]
  9. blessings

    blessings New Member

    I am one of the many fibromites that you have cheered up in the fibro chat room...your humor certainly is a gift to all.But its ok, to let your hair down and say how you are feeling..Bennie, this " disease" is a thief, a stealer of joy and a changer of personality. Its a real battle.After having it all these years, I still go through times when I pray to feel 'normal', but know that is illusive. I grab moments and hold them close. I just spent two weeks in Wisconsin with my daughters and grandchildren and I did walk on the beach(got lost and had no choice but to walk for two hours in sand!!) but I did it!!and paid the price , but it was worth it,because now I have the precious memories of watching the children romp and collecting shells and rocks(which I did too)Since I have been home, have spent a lot of time laying around, and know how it bothers my husband, but there is nothing I can do.This certainly won't cheer you up, (so sorry) but go on that trip and enjoy whatever, whenever you can. By the way, the weather has a huge impact on our fibro and our emotions. Its depressing. Hang in there, Dear one, and will talk to you on chat..God Bless-blessings
  10. tulip922s

    tulip922s New Member

    Hi Mandy,

    So sorry to hear that you are having a rough time of it. I too find myself having the worst time when it rains and it's been one of the rainiest (is that a word) springs in a long time.

    I think those migraines have to be the worst. I have pain from the fibro, but, find that the migraines make me depressed as well as difficult to deal with the pain. I hope that you are receiving adequate pain medication from your doctor.

    I have not real words of wisdom, but, just wanted you to know that you are not alone and I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best. Tulip
  11. benton

    benton New Member

    Hi

    I have to thank you all for your lovely replies, they really touched me! Im sorry if i sounded a bit selfish yesterday with all my whinging, just had to get it out. I realise im not the only one feeling rotten and we need to support each other to help keep sane and get through this somehow!

    Ive woken with the devil inside me today!! Im NOT going to let this beat me, not yet anyway. I have a holiday to go on in July and i WILL enjoy it! I wasnt born a leo for nothing!!!! If i can work in a school with 600 muslim teenage boys with behavioural problems and special educational needs i can get through this flare!! OK... no more complaining, its time to kick this DDs ASS! I'm going to crank up that TENS machine and pop the pain pills!

    Thank you all and keep fighting fibromites

    Benton
    (Mandy)
    xx
    [This Message was Edited on 06/11/2003]
  12. judywhit

    judywhit New Member

    THIS TOO WILL PASS!!!! the flairs do not last forever. However, when we are in the midst of them it is hard to understand this. This is not a life threatning DD. This brings me comfort. As, you can see I do alot of self talk. We must not have tunnel vision and stay in the moment with this. We have to look to our tommorows and remember that there are better days ahead.
    Just a thought for you. You will be well by the time your vacation comes.
    Judy

    p.s.. i work with kids also. 200 of them. i drive school bus. I think that working with kids makes us strong and the energy that they give off helps in our healing.
    [This Message was Edited on 06/11/2003]