I want to be a better mother in spite of this DD

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Hootie1, Jul 28, 2008.

  1. Hootie1

    Hootie1 New Member

    So many times I let my pain or fatigue take over and I feel like I am missing my son's life!

    I can't seem to sit still and get aggitated easy. I try and he knows that i love him and I know that he loves me, but I don't spend the time that I should with him. He's 13 and he probably doesn't notice and thank goodness my husband is a very good father and takes him places and I do the best I can. My husband often suggests that we go play miniature golf during the day or go to the park with rides etc. I just can't do it!! It takes all I have to drive him to camp 1 hour away and have to wait for him for 3 hours and then drive another hour back home. This was for 2 weeks. Most days I have hardly any energy at all and the house needs to be cleaned-- I have terrible dust and dander allegies.

    His age is somewhat irritating to me because as a boy, he doesn't just hang out and talk. Any suggestions. Thanks- I am 45 and am at home awaiting disability hearing - probably won't happen until the end of the year and I am feeling anxious and in limbo and have a really hard time moving on with anything until I find out if I am approved!!! Don't ask me why, but its just the way I am. If I could sleep until the hearing and decision date... I definately would!!!!

    My son is going into 9th grade. We do have special times but I know that I do not set the stage enough for him to REALLY talk to me like you would see on the tv shows.
  2. ABLUV

    ABLUV New Member

    I'm not a mom but my heart goes out to you. I know the others will post some great encouragment for you. In the mean time type parenting in the search box and read all the previous posts from other moms with CFS/FM; I know it will lift your spirits.

    (((((((hugs & prayers)))))))
  3. PainPainGoAway

    PainPainGoAway New Member

    My heart aches for you but I do understand. My son is 17 now but 13 wasn't too long ago. That year my husband and I separated and it was rough making myself stay plugged in to life beyond my own personal issues.

    Do the two of you have any things in common? I cross my eyes trying to watch football, baseball or basketball but made attempts to watch it with him...we both love to watch tennis and volleyball and certain shows or movies.

    He likes to joke around so we'd have him do comedy acts (I have two girls younger)...we both like to draw...I learned to tolerate some of his music and in turn he surprised me by getting interested in mine. I didn't think he was needing my attention as much as he really was, but they really need us, whatever we can give.

    I had a hard time keeping up with outdoor activities but tried to do things with others that could help out, like swimming or just taking him bowling, etc with others who can participate.

    I try to take an interest in his schoolwork and activities. He acts annoyed here and there when I read his books but it gives us something to talk about. He participates in activities that take him on lots of field trips and I love to hear about it. He's always been a talker so that makes it easier but really, taking an interest in his world has taught me a lot.

    Many times I've felt like I wasn't giving him enough attention because it is so much easier with the girls, but when I hear him tell stories, I realize all these little things did/do matter. He told me it made him angry at times that I am so sick, but he said he knows I can't help it.

    He also loves the computer and making music and mini movies and I'm right on top of that...I hope some day I can get more active, but in the meantime, I just try to find ways to keep connected. I did foolishly try to arm wrestle with him a few weeks ago...I hadn't been able to even attempt that in years but I used to beat him most of the time and now he hovers over me and works out so I knew it would be worth the discomfort of seeing him take me down.

    They have egos, lol, and appeal to that and you'll have his attention.

    We have our moments, but I promise you, no one's life is like on tv...

  4. Hootie1

    Hootie1 New Member

    I am so happy and proud to be part of this website- you both are so caring and i am very thankful that you took the time to write you advise and thoughts because I know that it has taken energy from you.

    Thank you very much for such caring thoughts and I will take the time to try these things.

    God bless you all!!
    [This Message was Edited on 07/29/2008]
  5. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Oh do I understand. Just last night I realized, I'd made no dinner, didn't even inquire if anyone was hungry!! I felt like a piece of you know what!
    Your statement about the age, being a boy and not talking is so true. I did find that my son(who will soon be 16) would always talk in the car for some reason. We had some of our best talks in the car!
    Also, he likes to help me bake. So when I feel I need a connection with him, I grab him to help me bake brownies or cookies. We have a chair by our kitchen island and one of us can sit if necessary.

    Neither of my boys 'talk' to me the way I wish they would. It bothered me for a long time, especially since I'm such a communicator!!! However, I've heard much lately, that it's okay.. as long as they learn to trust you. Like I know my son knows that he CAN come to me if he really needs to. When he has struggled with something, then made to feel better by a little Mom talk, I remind how important communication is. It's pretty normal for that age to keep to themselves about 'themselves'.

    Nab onto one thing he does like to do that you can do. Are you able to drive to a local ice cream shop? Sometimes I'll just get my keys, call for him and off we go. He LOVES it!

    Love, be there for him as I'm sure you are. I always said thank goodness I had boys because my husband does so much with them - "guy' things if you will - or things I can't/couldn't/wouldn't do, I should say.

    I hate that my son (AND his friends) see me laying on the couch!! I can't tell you how much that bugs me. My friends never saw my parents 'laying around' when they came over. We're the hangout house. I'm thinking of having a talk with all of them so they don't think I'm "lazy" HA.

    Hang in there - I've been there - I am there sometimes still.
  6. steach

    steach Member

    One day at a time. I read something once that made me stop to think about life. You mentioned that you are awaiting a disability hearing and wish you could sleep until the hearing and decision date.

    I can't remember word-for-word what the article said, but, it goes something like this. Living life is not waiting until we receive the big rewards or the big accomplishments- but, life is living every day in between; one day at a time. Life doesn't START when we get that new job, new house, finish college, .... but life is living each day until we get what/where we want to be. Life is the HERE and NOW- not in the future. Just something to think about.

    I am a mother of four children. I was diagnosed with FM/CFIDS about 7 years ago and was working full-time teaching. My now 20 year-old son was 13; my 17 year-old twin daughters were 10, and my youngest son was 1. I can relate to the "wanting to be a better mom" as you are going through.

    I guess the only way I can explain how I felt is like this: Imagine wanting children and not being able to conceive. All your friends are pregnant and having baby showers, the births of the new babies... and you are standing by just watching in agony over your own unhappiness/loss.

    I would watch other mothers (and fathers)- participate in organizations and be the "leaders"; mothers who would go the extra mile for bake-sales; organize fund-raisers; take their child and all the child's friends swimming, shopping, host sleep-overs; have the time and energy to have dinner ready; have laundry caught-up; the house cleaned; taxi the kids to a movie at the mall; ......... and the list goes on and on. When all the other mothers would sign a list to volunteer for an event, I either didn't sign-up or told them I couldn't be sure if I could be there if I did volunteer- I got alot of dirty looks and nasty comments.

    I beat myself-up emotionally and mentally -and- that took energy away from the things that I would have been able to do with my children.

    It has taken me a long time to learn the meanings of "acceptance" and "limitations". I know if I don't take care of myself, I won't be well for me or my children.

    Each child is different and has their own likes and dislikes. I would try to do as many things with them as possible at home that they liked/wanted to do. I couldn't, and still can't, make plans ahead of time that are "written-in-stone". When I was/am feeling well, on the spur-of-the-moment, I'll say, "hey, lets go do this today". He is old enough to learn about FM/CFIDS. My children used to go to the chat room to ask questions and talk with others who have FM/CFIDS; it did help them to understand me better. And besides, at 13, what kid doesn't like to be on the computer?!!

    Try to find out what your son's interests are at home- board games with the family? video games that the two of you can play? teaching him how to cook with your help? learning to do laundry? watching favorite movies? I learned how to play "Guitar Hero" and now "Rock Band"- we have hours of fun- the whole family and their friends, too!!

    Finally, have you ever tried an "energy medication"? I have tried some that didn't work very well and then my doc and I decided to try Adderall. It works wonders for me and I only take it when I need to keep going.

    Hootie, you can't control your body 100% of the time. Take one day at a time and know your limits. Acceptance is difficult but it will happen for you, too.

    I hope some of my experiences have been of some help for you.