I want to die

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by marilyn, Oct 21, 2002.

  1. marilyn

    marilyn New Member

    to who this may concern, My husband has over and over told me that"if -_______I just get up at five ---------------------------in the morning that I would be able to sleep at night" I am so angry with him I would like him to just have a taste if what I suffer with on a dailey basis. I have had this for at least 5 years getting worse with time and part of it it is him. I get no help or consideration. The home is my domain and he does nothing to help unless he is bitched at till he can not stand it any more. I have fibro. and I am not lazy as he thinks. My level of energy is slipping away and so is my will to live. He just thinks if I just sleep a regular night I would be alright. I wake up all night long without medication and he complaines about that too. I have a little boy who is 11 with tourettes and 2 grown sons living out side on there own. My husband does work 60 hours aweek and on the weekend runs his own bussiness. I do not ask for anything from him at all. I try to take care of all the house hold duties and see to it my sone gets all his medical care. I need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!No one cares I want to die I want to give up. I can't. But I can't go on with out any support from someone. I love my sons and my husband he is a good man but he just does not get it. He has read all kinds of stuff on fibro and it just does not seem to be real to him. What should I do. I do not work out side the home and at this point I can't. I wish and pray to die or get well. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP PLEASE marilyn
  2. marilyn

    marilyn New Member

    to who this may concern, My husband has over and over told me that"if -_______I just get up at five ---------------------------in the morning that I would be able to sleep at night" I am so angry with him I would like him to just have a taste if what I suffer with on a dailey basis. I have had this for at least 5 years getting worse with time and part of it it is him. I get no help or consideration. The home is my domain and he does nothing to help unless he is bitched at till he can not stand it any more. I have fibro. and I am not lazy as he thinks. My level of energy is slipping away and so is my will to live. He just thinks if I just sleep a regular night I would be alright. I wake up all night long without medication and he complaines about that too. I have a little boy who is 11 with tourettes and 2 grown sons living out side on there own. My husband does work 60 hours aweek and on the weekend runs his own bussiness. I do not ask for anything from him at all. I try to take care of all the house hold duties and see to it my sone gets all his medical care. I need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!No one cares I want to die I want to give up. I can't. But I can't go on with out any support from someone. I love my sons and my husband he is a good man but he just does not get it. He has read all kinds of stuff on fibro and it just does not seem to be real to him. What should I do. I do not work out side the home and at this point I can't. I wish and pray to die or get well. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP PLEASE marilyn
  3. teach6

    teach6 New Member

    I'm sorry to hear about all your problems. You have come to a good place for support though. I also know what it's like to live with a spouse who doesn't understand. I wasn't even dx'd when he left me, but it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

    You mention that you don't take meds. Is there a specific reason for this, such as allergies, or is it because you choose not to take them? I ask because I have found that getting medication for my pain and to help me sleep has made a huge difference in the way I feel.

    Welcome to the board. I hope you get some information here that will help you feel better.

    Barbara
  4. LynneH

    LynneH New Member

    Marilyn, first off I want to say to stop worrying about what he thinks. Some people just don't ever "get it."
    Next, lack of sleep is a real problem for us and when it gets to the point that it has for you, you need to get something to help you sleep. Whether it's a precription drug such as Ambien or a natural supplement such as valerian...you have to do something. Lack of sleep will cause us to have more pain and pain really saps the energy. You need to take control of your life and decide to do better for YOU. We can't make someone else think the way we want them to think. We can only change our mode of thinking. Do whatever is needed to relax. Take a warm bath, light some candles, read a good book, visualize yourself in a good place surrounded by warm light, breathe.
    I know right now you feel hopeless, but there will be better times. It all has to start with you.
    Take care.
    LynneH
  5. TiredbutWired

    TiredbutWired New Member

    I am so sorry you feel like this.I have been there and still struggle with my husband.I would tell him that I was suicidal and he would pat me on my leg and go golfing.It made me feel like he wanted me to kill myself.I know you feel all alone but PLEASE remind yourself that you are NEVER alone we are ALWAYS here for you 24 hours a day!I can personally offer you all the support you want.I will help you walk through the darkness and help you find a glimmer of light.I use to feel cursed but do not feel like that anymore.You need to greive all you want just reach out to someone to listen.You are much braver than you think,it takes a lot of courage to write your true feelings.You can click on my profile and get my email and have some long slumber parties with me.You can curse all you want,yell in all caps whatever makes you feel better!Love,Tracey
  6. Fairyeyes

    Fairyeyes New Member

    You take care of so much, it is unreal! You need to read and reread all the above replies, they are so right!
    You have a lot of passion in there, and that's what seperates the living from the undead.

    I am so sorry things are so sucky right now.
  7. sickandtired

    sickandtired New Member

    I'm sorry that you are in so much dispair. Family members can be the most non-understanding people at times. Men in particular want so much to fix problems and with you that's not an easy task. Unfortunatly, when they cant find a solution they sometimes get angry. You sound like you have a full plate. My husband pretends that their is nothing wrong. I asked him to read about it to no avail. So I put a pamphlet under his nintendo (hehe). My best friend seems to be very much in your place. We both have fibro. She finds that if she finds a small creative project that she can do while sitting on the couch or in bed, like a small hobby, after a while- the pieces add up and she feels like she has accomplished something, something to be proud of, something that's hers, and it takes her mind off of everything for a while. It's only a suggestion. I never thought of it myself until she told me recently. But, Christmas is coming, maybe making a few gifts. hmmm.
    If you don't find the support at home, right here is a good place. Most people have been right where you are, and know what you are going through. Take it a day at a time. Good Luck and take care.
    Andrea
  8. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    To the board Marilyn, for a minute, I though you were our other ssMarilyn, but as I read through your post, I saw my mistake!

    My dear lady, you need to quit worrying about what your husband thinks or anyone else that is negative. You must put yourself first! Life, even thought at times it seems that we have been dealt a lousy hand, is still very much worth living.

    First thing you need to do is get something that will help you sleep. That is our worst symptom, if we can find something to sleep, it changes our lives with this illness.

    No sleep, causes more pain, pain causes depression and a whole lot of other problems.

    Here is what I take (and keep in mind we are all differnt with meds, supplements etc.).

    I take a 0.25 milligram of Xanax at six pm, then at 10pm I take a supplement called; ZMA (Zinc, Magnesium and B-6), right before bed I take a 3 milligram of Melatonin (which helps me fall asleep).

    You can purchase the ZMA by SNAC and the Melatonin right here at Pro Health. Just go to the top right of this page where it says; 'Store' and you can read more about these two supplements. Of course Xanax is a prescription anti-anxiety drug.

    This combination may not work for everyone, but it is the only thing in my entire life of sleeplessness that worked for me. Its worth a try for you or anyone.

    You need your sleep worst than anything.

    I hope this helps you some, and please try not to have those terrible thoughts of dieing, we have all been there at one time or the other!

    I used to hate when nightime came, it was a horrible experience just getting ready for bed, then getting up every hour and too tired to do anything but lay there and try to go back to sleep!

    You take care of yourself, and your child, and I know your children and your husband loves you, he just don't understand. Mind did not either for years, now he is my best supporter!

    I have been married to this man for 30 years, and have never been able to get up with him for work in the morning!

    Welcome to the board, and please let us know how you are doing, we have some great people here and they will help you all they can, day or night!


    Shalom, Shirl
  9. karen2002

    karen2002 New Member

    Marilyn,
    I am so very sorry that you find yourself in this awful situation. Trying to care for yourself, and your little boy must be exhausting. You must do whatever it takes to improve your level of stress, as this adversely affects your health. Since your husband has been non-supportive in your illness for five years or more, perhaps it is time to lay this issue to rest, and end the stress it is causing you. In my own life there are stresses, that I have just decided I will not own or allow to affect me anymore. I must do this or I suffer the consequences, as well as my children. I think you need to reconcile yourself to the fact that his support is not forthcoming, and you need to let go of the anger you feel. Do not let his actions, and attitudes drag you down anymore. Since you say he works 60 hr. weeks, you really don't see him that much, but you carry the resentment all the time. You need to free yourself of this stress. You have taken care of your domain, cared for yourself, and your son for all these years. You are to be commended. Concentrate on caring for you and your son. Take the steps neccessary for improving your health. You must address your sleep problems, and fatigue problems. You mentioned you see that your son gets all his medical care--Do you see that you get all the proper medical care? I think you need to make yourself a priority, Marilyn. If you are not seeing a Doctor, I think you should seek the care of one. You need to address the sleep and fatique issues, and the thoughts of not wanting to live. Depression is so common with chronic illness. If you are under the care of a physician, make an appointment to address these issues with he or she. I think it is imperative that you get your health, under control, as you must care for yourself, as well as your son. Do not be afraid to ask others for help, either. You mentioned two grown sons....and perhaps other family, and friends could be of some help. Reach out to a church or a neighbor.
    Best Wishes to you, Marilyn. Please let us know how things are going.
    Karen
  10. jen3092

    jen3092 New Member

    DEAR MARILYN,
    Please don't give up.. we all know what you are going through and you are really strong to handle all that you are handling... people who don't have this stuff just can't understand no matter how hard they seem to try... the only thing that has kept me here and sane at all is my faith... God really does exist and he cares about every single thing that happens to you... try leaning on him... sounds easy but i know it is not...I wish I could talk to you and learn if you are open to having a relationship with him... I guarantee you that without him in my life I would have given up long ago.. Ask him to make himself known to you and honestly talk to him in prayer...he does honor those who really seek him... seek him... I'll be praying for you and hang in there...minute by minute if necessary.....TAKE CARE Jen3092
  11. garyandkim

    garyandkim New Member

    what we feel is the best board.

    Husband, well men are wired differently. They think like a plummer. Fix it. well, that isn't the way it is for us. But, we do get remissions some times. Yes, less now then when younger. It is hard for others to understand what many doctors don't.

    When I have one of those I could just screem days I do. I take a pillow and go into the bathroom and yell till I get it out.

    The top topic on every page here is for a FMS/CFS guide. Ther are free and you can get 99 at one time. I hand them out to evryone, docs, stores, school, family. Great little guide. Short and to the point.

    Maybe you can get him to write on here. These DD things can be disabeling. My husband is on perminant disability. I can't woek either. It's hard to take care of you and the child and the home. Maybe Daddy should take your son to the places he must go for a while. You go away some where with them for a week or two and let him see how hard it is when well.

    It is very irratating when loved ones just don't want to get it. Research will help and so may talking to your docs.

    Good luck and take care, Kim and Gary
  12. rbtheidmanhabs

    rbtheidmanhabs New Member

    Marylin!
    I really feel for you.You need to be around friends that do care what happens.I have been just diagnosed with FMS in May and I've had an awful time.Last year I was sick most of the whole year but it's too long to get into.Seek the help of the family that do care and your close friends.But don't give up.
    Bob
  13. blondieangel

    blondieangel New Member

    with all that you do, i don't blame you!!!!!!

    My husbands works alot too - 8-12 hrs. m-f & has a home repair business he does weekends. I'm like you - in charge of everything else, which can be overwhelming and downright impossible at times. Like bill paying - what a pain. I must commend you on the care of your son. You're a great Mom! Can your older sons lend a hand?

    To get some help w/ chores, etc. please contact your church. If your not a churchgoer, contact ANY church! There are lots of volunteers that can come to the house and help you out. Don't be afraid - you're ill and it's perfectly fine to ask for help. Who knows, maybe you'll make a new friend.

    Just pick up the phone book and dial. Talk to who ever answers at the church and tell them your situation.

    I hope you have a good doctor for YOU, also!

    Let us know, ok?
  14. sybil

    sybil New Member

    just because your husband doesn't want to face up to how you feel and that it isn't your fault you don't sleep.
    like the others here have said,try and get some sort of medication to help you sleep,be it herbal,complimentary or prescription.anything that gives you better quality of sleep will make you feel more able to cope,
    hang in there,hugs,
    sybilxxx
  15. tedebear

    tedebear New Member

    When I get down and out, I sing the song "Ain't no mountain high enough", don't know if that is the correct title (From the movie Stepmom), but it seems to push me along.

    And....Welcome to this fabulous board. People on the board are so kind and understanding and we all could use a little of that at times.

    Don't give up the ship. I sleep and takes naps when I can.
    If things don't get done, than they will be there later to be tackled. If the body warrants rest at a particular time, listen to the body. I look at things in a manner now whereby, if I weren't here tomorrow, someone would take care of it. What I need now is important for me.

    Good luck. Soft hugs. Hang in there!!!
  16. lilwren

    lilwren New Member

    There are many days that I just want to die too! I don't want to do the 'me too' routine, but I know how you feel. This DD is so very hard on us. Please don't despair! You can't change the people around you unless they want to change, so work on making yourself happy & comfortable first. People either get it or they don't and nothing you can say to them will change their minds. There are so many of us like you that get so sad. It's a very difficult disease for all of us.

    love,

    Sharon L
  17. fibolady

    fibolady New Member

    for awhile and concentrate on you! it is hard to let go of resentment, so for awhile just pretend he doesn't exist.
    hows that for some therapy!!!!!!!

    p.s. well if fms/cfs doesn't exist, then we can just unexist some other things while we are at it, hehe

    this was just to cheer you up.

    warm regards, fibolady


    [This Message was Edited on 10/22/2002]
  18. stillafreemind

    stillafreemind New Member

    what you are feeling is not fun..and thinking he or others around you are going to change over night..well its probably just wishful thinking.

    I know depression and the darkness and the want for freedom from it all..I totally echo jen..ask the Lord..He can get you through some pretty amazing things! If not for Him I, myself, would not be here.

    Get some sleep girl..I choose supplements..I cannot tell you how much less pain a good nights sleep means! And know that we do care.

    In the end..you have to make the decisions on how much you are going to let stuff interfere with your life and how much power you are willing to give to someone else..like your husband, non understanding friends..heck..even to this illness.

    Please take care of yourself..and heres hoping that you see tomorrow in a better light..
  19. Fibrobeachbum

    Fibrobeachbum New Member

    Do not give up. I know how hard it is at times but things will get better. Ignore your husband and think of yourself, don't let him drag you down. I stay up at night and sleep during the day and tell my hubby tough luck I can't help it. Hang in there. Hugs to you.
    Ann
  20. GoDaleJr

    GoDaleJr New Member

    I've had fibro since May and am having a hell of a time dealing with it. It just seems to be getting worse. None of my friends understand. They just get mad at me for not being able to do anything with them. My family does not understand either or you'd think they would call or come around once in awhile to see how I'm doing.
    I've been crying every night. I finally went to see my PCP today and he gave me some meds. I had been med-free before thinking I could get over this on my own. Well, push came to shove and it's either meds or the mental ward.
    I also understand about your husband. My ex-boyfriend/still rooommate doesn't either. I haven't talked to him in days. I just stare into outter space when he talks to me.
    I gave up hearing what other people think of me. I couldn't stand it anymore. I am the one who has to live in this painful body day in and day out. I am the one that matters. And you do too.
    I hope you find some kind of peace within yourself cuz you need it badly.
    Hugs to you.
    ~Gina