I was so strong today...

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Suzan, Aug 10, 2007.

  1. Suzan

    Suzan New Member

    I don't know exactly how I got my courage up..but I calmly and exactingly told my husband that I would no longer take care of him as a wife would..because it is too painful..so he was responsible for his bedroom, bathroom laundry etc.

    I also told him what I was willing to do in the house..and with our money...and I told him that I expected him to have enough respect for me to not mess around with anyother woman till this marriage was over. And if I found out he was...the gloves were off and I would go after EVERYTHING he has.

    I feel so much stronger taking control of my life...and I think I took him totally by surprise...In the past I would be 'begging him to love me'...etc etc...But I am older and tougher and wiser this time. I am NOT going to beg...

    If he wants to change his mind...he will have to be the one that 'begs' me...and if he waits too long...it will be too late...

    The funny thing that happened...is that later on...he told me he would be fixing the curtain rod that fell down..and the dishwasher that I have been nagging him to take a look at for weeks.

    Maybe strength is power..and the ball is no longer just in his court.

  2. sisland

    sisland New Member

    I can't help but totaly agree 100% with your last statement!
  3. jmq

    jmq New Member

    I am so glad you spoke up and stood up for yourself. As they say, everything...good and bad...happens for a reason. You may have found an all new inner freedom.

    No more worring about him...now its YOUR turn.


  4. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    This will be a very difficult journey, but I'm so glad you spoke up for yourself. Sometimes it's just fun to turn them on their ear and surprise them.

    Best of luck to you,

    Nancy B
  5. Suzan

    Suzan New Member

    It is a small step in my big picture

    But, even though I still feel like a total wreck..both emotionally and with FM...I DO feel like I took control of my life...

    This morning I hauled a chair and ottoman into his bedroom..and took out a couple of my paintings...and took a couple pictures of him from the office..and put them in his closet.

    I have decided to start clearing out the house of objects that now have no meaning to me. All the decor that we moved here from our last house..where we lived happily for 17 years...now all that is a reminder of what used to be...So it is all going out. When I do finally get to leave this house..there is no way I can take all this STUFF anyway...so now I have something positive to work on as energy allows...I HAVE A GOAL..and that will be great for me right now.

    As I have said..we have everything sunk into buying this great house we are in..our 'dream house'..and have no money to provide either one of us a way to live separately. So I am stuck here for now...but I am going to do my best to prepare myself to move on...I am also journalling the experiences here so that I have 'ammunition" and corroboration of events if need be.

    I am also going to work on making a complete list of EVERYTHING we own..so that when the time comes...financially dividing things is easier...plus the court will know exactly what is owned by us.

    I got angry..and it is serving me well right now.

    I am not in denial about how hard these next months will be...but with the support of my kids...and my friends..and the people on this board...I KNOW I can go forward with my life.

    I mean really...why would I want to fight to be with someone who told me he CAN'T and Won't be my caretaker...
    And someone who is so totally self absorbed right now that he hasn't even dealt with his own son's pain in all this.

    I had a long talk with our son, (Brian, 24) and he is angry..and can't believe that his father would have encouraged him to move to KY, leave all his friends and his life...and then in a year decide that his mother was too much of a burden to live with.

    My heart is broken for my marriage..but even more so it is broken seeing my youngest child in so much pain and anger because his father is acting in such a self centered way.
    Not a very good example for Brian to follow.

    So..even though I am in much emotional pain...I am so glad to now have found a few things to focus on...PLUS I spoke up for myself..and demanded respect from this man.

    To quote an old song

  6. Rafiki

    Rafiki New Member

    that song went through my mind but I wasn't sure you'd remember it.

    Yes am wise
    But it's wisdom born of pain
    Yes, I've paid the price
    But look how much I gained
    If I have to, I can do anything
    I am strong
    I am invincible
    I am woman

    Yeah, you are woman!


  7. Rosiebud

    Rosiebud New Member

    I've seen this happen so often, its happened to me.....once you turn....the man changes....sometimes too late.

    Good for you.

  8. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear you were so strong and took a stand and really told your hubby how things really stand since it was HE that started all this about NOT being your caretaker (especially when it looks like he really wasn't doing all that much for you anyway).

    I think that Writing down what you and (h) do day by day (journalizing)in this whole process will be a very good thing for you to do, for many reasons.

    Now that you have shown your strength it might scare him into changing his mind. However, then you will have to worry about, will he, in the future, change his mind AGAIN and if it is worth it to you to "take him back."

    As Rosie said, sometimes they change to late after to much has been said and done to each other, especially what he has done to you. It is up to you, if you think it might be worth the work of going for any therapy , either you both together(which would be best ) or just yourself. If you think that the situation has gone past that then that is your choice.

    I surely hate marriages to end inc that of my daughters after 15 years. However, you are the one that has to deal with it daily . IF he does change his mind, it will not be an easy thing for you to forget what was said and done. Plus there would be the worry IF he will change his mind AGAIN after another few months or years of getting back together.

    That is great to hear that you have a goal in mind ! Stick to it and continue to be strong.

    God bless you and lots of BIG warm hugs,

    [This Message was Edited on 08/11/2007]
  9. Suzan

    Suzan New Member

    Yes..I am better now that I took a stand and stood up for myself..I feel like I am in control of my life...even though my life feels so insane right now.

    I am fearful that IF he changed his mind...I have no idea right now what I would say...
    BUT the one condition I would INSIST on is counselling. I could not trust that he would stick to his word..that is for sure..and I KNOW I cannot do this again in my life with this man.

    I have always 'taken him back' into my arms when he struggled..and he has put me thru some really rocky times because of his behaviours and choices. But I always knew there was so much good..that I could make peace with the rest. And he always ended up being a better person..and working harder..each time we continued to fight for our marriage.

    But FM makes the fight for me almost impossible...I could fight for this marriage..IF he were fighting for it as well. But I do not have the energy to fight for it alone. I also feel like I cannot afford to expell all my energy to a cause that may be already lost.

    I don't know what the future will hold..but I know I am already stronger...and that Helen Readdy song echos in my ears all the time...Women are amazing creatures...we endure, we persevere and we love with so much passion and strength...

    I AM worth having...I am a wonderful and amazing and intelligent and loving person.
    A divorce from me will be his greatest loss in his life...I have certainty about that. ( I dont' mean to sound vain..but I know how much good I have brought to him...and how much he has always valued me)
    He will regret this if he continues on this path.
    I believe he will not only lose me...but in some ways at least he will also lose his children. How are they going to forgive him for leaving their mother when she is sick????Even if they do end up making peace with him at some point...
    I have amazing kids..and I am very close with them...I did a good job raising them...and they are all proud to call me mom.

    So..the day goes on...and I can't wait till he goes to work on Monday.
  10. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    I think you hit it on the head with your last sentence.

    Down is not out.

  11. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    ... but I'm still proud of you.

    You go, girl. You're a power in your own right.

  12. Suzan

    Suzan New Member

    His stepdaughter for the last 28 years..she is 35 now and has a husband and son..

    She asked MANY questions..he had few answers...pretty much the same 'excuses' for his choice that he has given me...

    He really , at the end of the day...hasn't thought this thru..he is unhappy..and in pain..and doesn't know how to handle his life right now...and life with a sick wife is overwhelming to him...

    I only wish he could figure out that turning to someone that loves him...could help. That the things he is feeling..are all fairly easily solved...but he has to want to put in effort...

    Unless and until he figures that out...I think that I have to proceed assuming that I am on my own.

    So sad. So heartbreaking...My body is wracked with pain today..FM has reared it's head finally, and I could barely walk this morning. Thank goodness for pain meds..or I would be bedridden I think. Stress is bad for FM...and this is THE most stress I have ever had I think.

    I so appreciate all the encouraging words...it does help.
  13. Suzan

    Suzan New Member

    Wow..you are inspiring to me this morning..

    You give me hope.

    LOL the curtain rod is still down..but I dont' care...I have talked and talked and talked..and gotten great support both online..and from my kids...and from a woman who I value -we have been great friends for 24 years..and have seen each other thru ALL of life's crisises...

    Of course I am heartbroken..and well be for a long while...BUT, I am finding some peace and acceptance of his choices...and I have already started doing things..and setting myself some tasks to stay sane..but also to prepare me for moving on...

    At 54..I know that life is rarely fair...and that we cannot control what things come our way..but we CAN control how we choose to move thru our lives..and I will NOT take this lying down...( funny to say that with FM!)

    I can be still in control of my life...and although I can only control small things right now...that will help me get stronger when I have to tackle the bigger things that are going to come my way.

    thanks for your words...
  14. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member


    There is alot of strength and intelligence coming through in your posts, especially your last one. I have every confidence, no matter what is decided between you and your husband that you WILL be just fine. Yes, you are not under any illusions and there will be hard and sad times ahead most likely. However, you will move forward and will be doing the best thing for yourself. Also, in the long run I am sure it will also be the best thing for your health and peace of mind.

    Continued good luck and keep us all updated.

    Blessings and continued warm hugs,

    Granni (Marilyn)
  15. Greenbean7

    Greenbean7 New Member

    Good job!! The book I'm reading would call it "ba*ls and sass" and it sounds like you have both!


    Choose joy!
  16. Suzan

    Suzan New Member

    And I did it in the best form I could muster!

    I decided some things...seems like I have to decide lots of things right now!..but with the support here..and with my family and friends, I have had to take a good look at my life.

    And you know what I found? He is only one part of my life, a large part until a week ago..but still, only one part.

    I still have my kids, my mom, my friends..and all of you that are cheering me on..and will be with me whether or not I am with him!
    I live in a nice home..in the south which was my dream...I have a pool and it is summer. So I will swim..and I will enjoy being here as best I can. I will make my home a place where I am happy...and although it is awkward being here at the same time HE is...I can manage it. He isn't doing anything threatening..he just isn't talking..

    Well honestly..having this FM...I have gotten quite used to people not talking to me for long periods of time!

    He may be able to take himself out of my picture...but he doesn't have the power to take my life away from me. So I am going to do my best to be happy in an odd situation....and unless and until he figures out that I am the best thing that ever happened in his life...I will just go forward with my life.

    I have always been a safe place for him..when he fell down..I was always there to pick him up. This time, he has to pick himself up..and he may find that it isn't as much fun as he thought it would be.

    I guess my hope now is that I can continue to stay strong..and that if he realizes that he is throwing away something valuable..that he doesn't figure it out when it is too late to fix what he has damaged.

    I continue to read your posts...they help keep me going.

    Thank you.

  17. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    I had just responded to another post you made on all of this. Then I found this post. I am not online as often to catch all.

    You sure are one special lady!!!!! My posting I made before this does not even compare to you taking a hold of all. I wished I'd had you by me when I went through a nasty breakup..oh so many years ago. One of the worse things in my life...then. Now it amuses me that I felt the way I did then.

    You are one strong lady. You have his attention for sure...keep it up....and do what is right for you. He does not deserve much at this time. I admire you lady!

    God Bless You........Hugs and Love.......Susan
  18. Sparky120166

    Sparky120166 New Member

    I'm new to this board but reading your story has given me strength. I will pray for you to remain strong. I have been chroincally ill for a very long time. We are in financial shambles and living as roommates. My mother has to take me to all my Dr appts (Primary, Rheumy, Pulmonogist, nephrologist, neurologist.) She also helps with my medications (over a dozen) and has just started helping my youngest with tutoring (he is learning disabled). I know how stress effects all my problems and there are days I can barely get out of bed. I have many online friends that pray for me and that helps me get through. I have started taking Cymbalta, it is supposed to help with the fibro/scleroderma pain. Talk to your Dr. if you haven't tried it. It seems to helpp just have to give it time. Bless you for sharing and I wish you the very best.
  19. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    You get different results when you change the rules of the game.

    now that he sees this change, you can expect a bit of everything from the good to the bad.

    I'd make darn sure about your existing checking, savings, safety deposit box, etc. You don't want the $ and him to suddenly disappear.

    I really don't know all your past history, so this may have been discussed already. Have you brought up the possibility of family counseling/marriage counseling???

    I'm sending you a hug. I think you need it. Joyfully
  20. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    Iam so proud of you girl!

    Do you remember me telling you I had a strong gut feeling that he was counting on you falling to pieces?

    When my gut has strong feelings like this is has never been wrong................Iam feeling things about your situation .......and I must say that I truly believe that it is only a matter of time before he starts freaking out............

    right now he does not know what to do because you changed the "game plan" of his!

    There is no doubt in my mind that he knows what a good person you are and that he is lucky........and unfortunately for him he "blew it this time"!!!!!!!!!!

    You will never trust him like you used to after this.......and he has no one to blame but himself!

    And I think you would be smart to continue on as you mentioned " as if it were ending for sure"!

    What I see coming in the next few days is him slowing but surely starting to work his way back into your life as if nothing ever happened!

    I do hope that you stay strong and make him earn every step of the way your trust back.......that is if you even want to consider it after all he has done!

    After I read your post on all the things that you do for that man I really got upset........here you do more than most women that do not have dd and he has the nerve to use it against you............

    Personally he makes me tummy sicker than it alreasdy is! LOL

    Suzan stay strong! If you decide to give him another chance you need to do it so he knows he can never get away with this kind of thing again........

    He is the one who is weak and sick! He is the one who is "being cared for"! NOT YOU!

    Maybe you should consider setting the record straight with him and make sure he understands that you will no longer be taking care of HIM!

    Keep us updated and stay strong!