I would appreciate your opinions and prayers

Discussion in 'Spirituality/Worship' started by pepper, Sep 18, 2006.

  1. pepper

    pepper New Member

    Update: My DH retired 4 yrs ago with the idea of collecting his small pension and getting another full time job. He was only 52, extremely healthy, energetic, ADHD type.

    As soon as he retired, his favourite brother (out 11 kids) was diagnosed with cancer and died 7 months later. Their mom had died 2 yrs earlier.

    Since then DH has made a half-hearted effort to get a job. We paid a career counsellor to get him going but to no avail. He has been sliding deeper and deeper into depression.

    In June he told me that he was going to spend the summer (when the freelance work is almost nil) to search in earnest for a job. Then his favourite sister, who has been battling terminal cancer for 12 yrs, started to lose her battle. She probably has a month or two left.

    Finally some job opportunities came his way but he did not make one follow-up phone call for any of the jobs that he might have been able to get. He spent the summer in the hot tub, playing computer games and watching poker on TV.

    Then another brother was diagnosed with cancer last week. He is going to have chemo and radiation and will probably beat it.

    All this is very sad and has affected by DH greatly. The depression is getting worse. But we are going into the hole financially every month with him not working. I asked him last week if he was ever going to look for work and he told me that he is happy the way things are. I am not!

    Now he tells me that he wants to downsize to a place with less work (not that he does much!) Knowing how he is with money, I am afraid that will give him permission to never work again and we will have to struggle forever.

    But, would it be worth it?

    Can I insist that he get treatment for his depression?

    I cannot talk to him at the moment. He just yells and says that he doesn't want to talk about anything. He's a "head-in-the-sand" type of person. If you don't discuss it, maybe it will go away.

    If I do leave him, I would have to live very very frugally but at least I would have control over what goes out every month. DH is a spender.

    I am rambling but I am trying to get things straight in my own head. I love him and I want to do what is right. He is depressed and needs to take care of that. Would I be wrong to leave him when he is suffering so?

    I would really like your opinions. What would you do? I would appreciate your prayers that I make the right decisions and that my DH finds a way to help himself out of his depression and to working with me to make things right between us because there is no doubt that we both still love each other.

    Thank God for this board.
    [This Message was Edited on 09/18/2006]
  2. tlayne

    tlayne Member

    I can sure see that your husband is depressed. I read your profile. How cool is that....your high school sweetheart!

    Okay, for my outlook on your situation. What is wrong with downsizing? Maybe even doing some traveling? It sounds like he has worked hard, and many years to be able to retire so early. Maybe with all the cancer in his family, he is thinking "Am I next?" It is so hard to see a loved one suffering from cancer. He has had so many loved ones suffer from this that it has to have taken a toll on him.

    Maybe, I don't know, but maybe he isn't telling you everything. Has he had a physical? Could it be that he truely isn't feeling well, and he could be thinking he might have cancer? Maybe by having a full physical it might be reasurring to him that he is well.

    Boy am I shooting in the dark here? I guess I am going by what happened to my dad. He was a policeman for 24 years, and was captain of police before he died from cancer. He was the most amazing man. He worked two jobs most of his life to support his family. On top of that there wasn't a neighbor that he hadn't lend a helping hand to at some point. He always said, " When I retire, I am going to do this....., and this......."

    The problem was, when he was 50 he got cancer. It was pancreatic cancer, and it was fast and brutal. However, depression took him away from us before the cancer did. I watched him go from the man that would put on a 60's record and grab you by the hand to dance with him, to being quiet and sullen. I could tell by watching him that he had a lot of regrets in his life. I always thought the regrets were due to always saying, "When I retire I will......" I know that he couldn't have had any regrets about the father that he was because he was the best! He died at 51. Less than a year from the time he was diagnosed.

    I am sorry for taking so much of your time. I guess I went down memory lane. I am probably way off base. I have been praying for you tho, and I will continue. Love, Tam
  3. pepper

    pepper New Member

    I am so sorry about your dad! He sounds like he was a wonderful father and was taken from you way too soon.

    Your words really touched my heart. I think that my DH is thinking that life is too short. He may think that he is next although he recently had a physical and passed with flying colours. I keep telling him that he will live into his 80's like his mom but I don't think he believes that.

    I guess what I am struggling with is that he promised he would work and hasn't honoured that promise. If I were healthy I would be out there working every single day. If we do downsize, will I be giving in to him just wanting to watch TV all day?

    I think if he were doing something that I saw as useful I would not feel this way. He doesn't read any more and we used to love to exchange novels. What he does seems so out and out lazy that it irritates me. I am trying to figure out if this is my problem, not his.

    He is also ADHD and has an immense presence. His being around so much of the time has taken a toll on my health. I used to do exercise tapes, meditation tapes, take long baths with candles. That all had to stop when he retired because he just barged in the room banging and clanging as he is inclined to do.

    Sorry I am rambling, trying to get my head around all this. If we did downsize, we would still have to live frugalling but at least we wouldn't have a cash flow problem. I doubt if even travelling would ever be an option unless he found a job. We just don't have the $$$.

    I do appreciate hearing of your dad's experience and I certainly wouldn't want that to happen to my DH.

    Thank you for taking the time to read all this and to answer me with your thoughtful words.
  4. tlayne

    tlayne Member

    Thank you for sharing my trip down memory lane. I miss my dad so very much. My life has never been the same without him, and he has been gone for almost 16 years.

    I feel bad for you. It is so hard when we "want" to do so much and our health is our roadblock, and then to see your DH just not doing anything. Has he tried counseling? Or does he refuse to even try that?

    Only your heart can tell you what to do. I will pray for you to have wisdom, and I will pray for your DH also. Love and prayers are sent your way. Love, Tam
  5. kgangel

    kgangel New Member

    HI Pepper

    I am so sorry for all you are going through. Sounds like Tlayne has some words that went to your heart. My father too died very early and would have liked to have done so many things that he never got a chance to. He died at the age I am now and I know I think about it and how short life is too.

    I can only add that I will pray that you will find the wisdom you need to get through this

    May God bless you


  6. pepper

    pepper New Member

    for your prayers. What a comfort it is to come to this board and feel the love of friends I have never even met.

    I am feeling much more hopeful today. DH seems willing to work on things although he doesn't want to go back to the counsellor who helped him so much in the past. But we will start with other things and perhaps he will see that the counsellor would be helpful.

    Please pray that things continue to improve.
    I offer my prayers for all of you.
  7. Asatrump

    Asatrump New Member

    It has been my experience I can't tell my husband what to do regarding anything other than perhaps take the garbage out. He is stubborn, feels he is right, can be quick to lash out when he feels threatened in any way.

    I have to back off. My usual MO is to plant a seed in his head, drop it. Let a period of time go by. Plant the seed again. Drop it. Perhaps the third time I plant the seed I attempt to fertilize it. A whole psychology to staying married 40 years as I have been.

  8. pepper

    pepper New Member

    Thanks for the advice. I do think that it is very valid. I used to be a teacher and my DH hates being treated like one of my students. I don't see it that way at all when I am gently suggesting that he do something. But he does and he hates it. Planting seeds is what would work with my DH too.

    I hope that we can end up married 40 yrs too.

  9. tlayne

    tlayne Member

    Hi sweetie! That is really good advise about planting a seed! That used to work with my husband. I would talk to him (plant a seed), and then a few days later after he would think about it he would agree (for lack of a better word). Maybe I have been griping too much lately???? Something for me to think about!

    Okay, forgive me please but I have this "vision" about you "fertilizing" this seed after the third time! LOL! I hope you are laughing with me! Love, Tam
  10. pepper

    pepper New Member

    LittleBlueStem, you are right on. He will always spend more than we make if I don't keep tight reins on the finances. We had to remortgage 2 1/2 yrs ago and I took over all the finances. Lately when I have been feeling worse than usual, he took over some control. I should not have let that happen.

    If we do downsize or whatever, I will have to make strict guidelines and stick to them. Which is hard to do when you don't have the energy but I will have to do it anyways.