Iam leaving my husband

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by doxygirl, Oct 12, 2007.

  1. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    Hi everyone,
    Today is "the beginning of the end" for me! I have given myself a deadline of Feb 1st and then Iam leaving for good!

    I have joined a support group for abused spouses and it has made me realize a lot of things....mostly that staying in a loveless marriage is just not ok!

    I have been married for 22 years and there has been no intimacy for over a year now (not because of my lack of desire) my husband made it clear to me quite some time ago that if I did not come to him there would be no intimacy.......

    my support group has taught me that this is manipulation and alienation of affection ........

    I have so much love stored and saved up in my heart for a person who is worthy of receiving it but clearly my husband is not....

    he has physically, verbally, and emotionally abused me for 22 years now ( physical has not happened for many years now) but did occur for several years in the beginning....

    I know my self esteem has taken a lot of hard blows and this is not going to be easy for me......I question my appearance, and feel inadequate, but I know I have a great personality and that Iam very strong when it comes to personal interactions...most of all I know my heart is in the right place........

    I DESERVE BETTER......it has been a one way street for a longggggggggggg time with me doing all the crying and hurting........he thinks all he has to do is work and bring home a paycheck and that will make everything ok.....

    well............it just is not ok and does not make a marriage a good one because one person is working and brings home money............

    He never allows me to try to talk about my feelings....he just becomes defensive and says that it is me doing it to him!!!!!!!!!!

    This I have learned is traits of a passive aggressive narcissist.......if you do any research on it ....it is amazing how things become so clear when a person behaves with these traits........

    I just wanted to share this news with all of you.....because I know that the road ahead of me is going to be harder than ANYTHING I have ever done in my life.....Iam scared....more scared than ANYTHING in my life.....because Iam not working....I have NO money of my own.....I am too sick to work and have 6 doggies that are my babies I must take them with me when I leave ......

    "OK......I will admit that most of the reason I have not left is because of the above reasons I do not want to lose my doggies...I do not want to struggle and not have a home......

    but I have lost myself and must do whatever it takes to find my way back to me!

    Please keep me in your prayers to give me strength and to find a safe and easy way to leave and survive.....

    thanks for letting me share my news with you

    [This Message was Edited on 10/12/2007]
  2. msbsgblue

    msbsgblue Member

    Your words almost entirely mirrow mine. Do you have some money saved? Are you on SSD? I don't know how it is where you live, but when I was in MO if you filed or SSD and did not have an income you could draw SSI until the time you are approved.

    I was very fortunate. I actually met my husband on this board, my current one that is, we had been friends about 3 years before I filed my own divorce, this only cost me $75. and got the heck out. I know for all that time and before that I was leaving as soon as I saved $3500. which I did manage, luckily when I made the decision to leave the friend I had met here ask me to come to WA. or I should say we both agreed. We were married 6 months later and is the best thing that ever happened to me.

    Good luck on this. Where will you go, and if you need someone to talk to you can always talk to me.


    [This Message was Edited on 10/13/2007]
  3. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    I know this is so hard for you! And I truly understand about staying because of the pups. But in order to take care of your pets, you have to take care of yourself.

    I wish we could have made a connection, I feel so bad that I got your hopes up and then it didn't happen. I couldn't send something to you that wasn't working and wasn't worth repairing.

    Have your thought about where you will go when you leave? Is there anyway for him to leave the house instead of you? Will he keep your son that needs support daily?

    Do you have a car to take when you leave? What about money?

    The thread that SUZAN has is loaded with tons of information. I'm sure you have studied it already.

    This is the right place to come and look for support. Please keep us updated.


  4. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    Thank you both for writing to me,

    "oh how I dream of meeting someone who will love me just as Iam"......the thing that hurts the most is how I have so much love to give and keeping it stored inside of myself and protecting it just wears me out.......

    I want to give it away...but I must be very careful....it must be with only someone who is worthy!

    My heart hurts so bad I have given so much to this marriage mostly I have given up "DOXY" I do not even know who Iam anymore Iam so worried about food and shelter that I have stayed in this abuse and Iam angry that I have had to stay as long as I have....

    but when we are talking about survival sometimes we must do things we ordinarily would not.....

    I love Washington and wish Bill had a brother for me LOL!

    I would move there in a kodak moment LOL!!!!!!!!!!

    Bidmickl...PLEASE do not apologize to me......things happen for a reason and I am ok with what happened...you tired and it just didn't work out ...the thing that does matter to me is that your heart was in the right place and I thank you for that!

    I do not have $ saved up because when I stopped working from the mold we got behind in our mortgage and now we are paying double the payements for another 3 months in order to not lose the house.....

    I will have to take my austistic son with me......I cannot and will not leave him to be verbally and emotionally abused by my husband and he will only do it to him if I leave him......I just cannot do that.....

    I do not have a place to go as of yet....been working on HUD housing and was very hopeful for that but yesterday I got a big blow to the hopeful side of me when I called to get an app sent to me and the girl said " no more apps are being given out for three to five years!!!!!!

    That is in the county I live in anyway.....I do not really want to move far from my sons they both moved out and live here close to me but now I have no choice but to move to another county since I cannot wait three to five years more!

    Thank you both with all of my heart for supporting me......my heart is breaking in a million little pieces but then again it has been for 22 years....it is time for me to love myself enough to put an end to this ....and move on .....

    Hugs. crying Doxy
  5. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    If anybody here works for the HUD agency or knows of someone who does please write and let me know.....any help at all would be greatly appreciated!

  6. ksp56

    ksp56 Member

    You DO deserve BETTER! Thank heaven you realize this! No matter how tough this will be, and it will, you are a survivor! If you can endure and live with these DD's, you have proven how strong you are!

    There is no one who deserves to have their life, made miserable, by another who is a miserable soul themselves. You, absolutley will SURVIVE! You have shown many of us, over the years, just what you are capable of.

    God be with you. What a hard decision to make. Do make it for yourself and realize how many care about you, and love you. Do not measure yourselve by a person who is thoughtless and abusive..

    Many gentle hugs and God's blessings..


  7. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear it has come to this. Things are going to be very tough for a while as you have indicated. Hope things ultimetly work out for the best.

    Have you seen an atty re: divorce and protecting your financial interests?

    Is it possible you could get soc. sec. disability?

    All the best.

  8. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear it has come to this. Things are going to be very tough for a while as you have indicated. Hope things ultimetly work out for the best.

    Have you seen an atty re: divorce and protecting your financial interests?

    Is it possible you could get soc. sec. disability?

    All the best.

  9. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    thank you all so much!

    I have just within the last few days made this huge decision to leave......so I have a long road ahead of me...that is why I gave myself until Feb 1st!

    I have been trying to get an application for HUD but it was very devastating for me to find out in my county they are not taking any more apps for three to five years!!!!!!!!!

    I simply cannot afford to live in a market value home...so Iam hoping another county may be giving out apps still.....also I did find out that since Iam disabled and my Dr wants me to file for SSi that my husband will have to pay me alimony for the rest of my life.....

    and up to 50% of his gross income....with all my heart I do not want to take this kind of money from him.....but at the same token I don't really have a choice!

    Iam hoping that before too long I will find someone who is worthy of my love and accepts me "as is"......then I will not have to rely on him and can get SSi ..........

    there is such a long scary uncertain road ahead of me.....and being sick is not going to make this easy.......but who knows maybe I will feel better when Iam not ignored and criticized every day of my life.......

    Please stay with me.......I have never needed my friends more than I need them now........

    thanks for the kind hearts you all have.......and for always being here for me!

  10. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i just don't have the 6 doggies...but you cold apply in any county in the us...for hud or section 8 voucher...then sometimes they w/allow you to transfer it to the actual county you are living in currently..

    or sometimes they make you wait in that county for 12 months then you can transfer it to any state or county you choose.

    i need to keep this short just tired today and watched cody's football team win another game..i think we are 6-0..it stinks watching cody on crutches waiting for a pending surgery after xmas.

    well it could be worse...but he was really counted on and did very well..

  11. msbsgblue

    msbsgblue Member

    On SSD? If not call your social secutity office and ask them if you apply and then live alone if you can draw SSI until your SSD is approved.

    The day I signed up for SSD in MO. they had me immediately go to the person who took care of SSI and apply so that I could draw it if needed until SSD was approved. At the time I was still with my ex and he made $100. too much for me to get my SSI. But if you move out, you should be able to draw it.

    Does your son get any sort of help?