****I'll (nervously) post ONE OF MY OWN POEMS****

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Jeanne-in-Canada, Aug 2, 2005.

  1. Jeanne-in-Canada

    Jeanne-in-Canada New Member

    Believe it or not, I write (not that you can tell from my lazy typo riddled posts here, hehe), and have been workshopping poetry before I came here. I just don't have the energy for both, as I research hard here, and work very hard at revising poetry and mastering the grammar necessary to do it deftly at my online workshop, everypoet.org.

    This one is not polished at all, it's more personal. I think many can relate to what I was feeling when I wrote it. Maybe it will be a comfort to someone:

    **********

    The air seems thick
    it is hard to breathe
    my chest feels heavy
    but it's not the air
    that is heavy
    it is what is in my own headspace
    that is heavy
    like a weight pressing down
    but it is not physics
    it is ethereal
    oppression

    It is the cycle of life
    my cycle
    what goes up must come down
    my time to go down

    It is not pleasant
    but I accept it
    as necessary
    to regroup and reassess
    and I breathe
    I will keep breathing
    until
    I get enough air...



    Jeanne G
  2. Musica

    Musica New Member

    That's good, Jeanne. It can have a variety of meanings, one of those poems that can be discussed for ages to come as to what the author meant! I hope you post more poems, I could feel the intensity in this one.
  3. nina2

    nina2 New Member

    Sounds like a full blown anxiety attack.

    I have been there and I have felt that.

    Your choice of words are explicit in describing the detailed
    feelings from within.

    Very very good. Thanks for sharing,
    nina
  4. BLUEROSE7

    BLUEROSE7 New Member

    Really enjoyed your poem...Very Nice!! You are very talented!!

    I have always enjoyed reading poems....please share some more when you have time!! I have posted some really nice poems I have found, written by others, but really dont have the talent myself to write them.

    Hugs
    Bluerose
  5. Rosiebud

    Rosiebud New Member

    you certainly have a talent for it so please share some more with us.

    love
    Rosie
  6. ckahele

    ckahele New Member

    thanks for putting into words how i feel myself sometimes.
    you have talent.
    keep it up.
    cyndy
  7. Jeanne-in-Canada

    Jeanne-in-Canada New Member

    Still a work in progress, I'll be workshopping this more, but this one's been alot of fun. someone at my PFFA workshop called it a "chick poem", we have a running joke about it there now.

    ****************


    My Sandaled Feet (draft 3)

    My sandaled feet go well
    with stubbled legs and a discount sun dress.
    I ride shotgun in your truck,
    not minding the bumpy road
    as we scorch potholes
    on your favourite shortcut home.
    You step around
    and offer me a dirt-stained hand

    to the red carpet
    below your jet’s door.
    I dip a silky shin,
    dip down to the lush red pile
    that leads to Athens in the summer
    as we twine our arms
    to sip from leaden crystal.
    Diamonds gleam below my upswept hair
    as I throw my head back and laugh.
    Laugh at the champagne
    I've spilt on the bodice
    of the chantilly dress
    you'd bought for me in Brussels.
    And I know that I am loved

    as my slip-ons hit the gravel,
    because you've brought me here.
  8. Jeanne-in-Canada

    Jeanne-in-Canada New Member

  9. onedaymagpie

    onedaymagpie New Member

    To me, it speaks of how a simple gesture can carry such deep meaning or be able to convey so much more than words are able to. You have a special talent. Thank you for sharing these.
    Maggy
  10. BLUEROSE7

    BLUEROSE7 New Member

    Loved the 2nd poem as well....Very Talented!!!

    Never be Nervous or Afraid to share your poems, you are truly talented!!!

    Hugs
    Bluerose
  11. Jeanne-in-Canada

    Jeanne-in-Canada New Member

  12. rileyearl

    rileyearl New Member

    reminds me of Valentines Day. The beginning and the end are reality and the middle holds my expectations! Thanks so much for sharing. Maybe I'll get brave and drag one out, too.

    Francie
  13. sheried

    sheried New Member

    More please.

    I love reading these. My grandmother wrote poetry and her book has gotten lost. I miss reading hers.

    Thank you for posting. You are truly blessed with the talent.

    Hugs,
    Sherie
  14. 123sandra

    123sandra New Member

    WOW!!! Your number 1 fan here.
    You go girl!!!
    LOL
    Sandra
  15. JLH

    JLH New Member

    Thanks for sharing those with us, Jeanne!!


  16. brit_17759

    brit_17759 New Member

    for sharing your lovely poems with us jeanne. Your very talented.

    hugs
    brit
  17. Jeanne-in-Canada

    Jeanne-in-Canada New Member

    do you write just privately, for fun? Or have you taken it farther into craft and form and workshopped or taken writing courses?

    If you get brave enough it would be nice to see what you do, but no pressure, some people are very private about what they write and I respect that. I post mine for brutally honest hack and slab critique at an online workshop. Not the first one though, it was a private one I wouldn't want submitted for critique. It was written to be cathartic and I don't care about lack of craftsmanship in it.


    Jeanne
  18. hdbubblehead

    hdbubblehead New Member

    I HAD TO READ IT A COUPLE OF TIMES, I LIKE TO GO DEEP.
    KEEP WRITING!
    YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE IT WILL GO AND WHO WILL REAP THE BENEFITS OF YOUR WORDS.

    I LIKE TO SEE YOU RE-WRITE IT IN A CHILD'S VERSION
    SAY APROX. AGE 10-15 yr old.
    TRY IT FOR ME WILL YOU? BREAK IT DOWN.

    HERE'S ONE FOR YOU:
    JUST FOR JEANNE....

    WHEN IT'S DARK N QUITE, AND NO ONE IS AROUND
    LOOK UP TO ME I AM IN THE LIGHT,
    LOOK UP, AND YOU WILL SEE.

    I AM THE ONE WHO CRADDLED YOU,
    I AM THE ONE WHO CARES,
    I AM THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU THE MOST
    EVEN IN THE DARKNESS OF DISPARE.

    GOD BLESS YOU .....HD BUBBLEHEAD...
  19. Denamay

    Denamay New Member

    Sorry I did not see your post before.

    I know you said you feel shy about all the praise but I would like to add mine!!

    I looked at the web site you mentioned and then at some of my old work and decided I could use some more practice.

    I am an artist and quite used of critiqes of my work, its the best way to learn.

    The only mistakes we make are failing to try.

    The rest is simply good experience.

    Thank you for posting. Love Denamay
  20. Jeanne-in-Canada

    Jeanne-in-Canada New Member

    Denemay,
    So you may become a fixture someday at pffa, that would be neat. It's best to lurk before you leap there anyway. In fact they highly recommend it. The talk forums have virtually no rules, but the workshop forums have tons. there is a huge library of tips called the Blurbs of Wisdom, you'll probably love wading through that. YOu could get lost for weeks.


    HDBubblehead,
    Thanks for your appreciation but I really couldn't rewrite that first personal poem. I can't even bring myself to workshop it for myself (so far), some things are kind of sacred that way. Nothing personal of course, thanks for sharing yourself.


    Jeanne