I'm afraid I am dying...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Jeramy, Sep 3, 2011.

  1. Jeramy

    Jeramy New Member

    Maybe not today, but too soon. My kids are 10 and 14 and I am just so sick. Personally, I am not afraid of death. I'm afraid of leaving them w/o me. It breaks my heart.

    Some background...
    I've been on and off here for about5 years. I was diagnosed with Celiac 13 years ago, Thyroiditis in 2003, then Adrenal insuffiency in 2005 and in 2006 FM and Sjogren's at the same time.
    I was in a very stressful, horrible marriage. (Which probably triggered everything) Looking at my entire family history, we have Juvenille Diabetes, so it was a factor. But I've also had stress my whole life. Alcoholic Mom, sperated parents, close family members moving away, dying,being moved against my will, my own parents dying young, finding a roomate hung in our bathroom, I was raped once, the alcoholic spouse and bad marriage...and so on.
    I know that stress triggers these auto immune diseases. Do I have my share or what?

    Anyway, life turned around 4 years ago when I took my kids and left the bad marriage. I suddenly got energy and started to mend. Then I met my wonderful fiance. He is very supportive and keeps me calm and smiling. My health really improved when he came along. Everyone noticed and I felt it. But in spite of my wonderful partner, I am still thrown into illness by other stresses. A bad work experience, a friendship gone sour, someone rear-ending me while driving and my kids having medical issues this year which cost a lot of money and caused a lot of worry. Plus they both have IEPs at school which need constant monitoring.

    Okay, what does this have to do with dying?

    Well, since last fall when I was thrown into a relapse of symptoms I have been barely able to recover before something else throws me off. In June my abdomen swelled up overnight. I was in tremendous pain. for several days and though there has been some reduction, my belly is still bigger than usual. 3 months and two ultrasounds and blood panels later and they still can't see anything wrong. But my PT, CN and Chiro doc insist that my gall bladder and liver are inflamed. So, I've been on a very restricted diet so as not to aggrivate them any further. In spite of that, I had another attack/swelling 3 days ago.

    So, i'm sitting here re-reading about all of my many conditions and reading posts in my various support groups and I am all of a sudden realizing that I need more serious control of symptoms, I may need to be on RXs (which I'm basically not, I wanted to do suppliments and diet changes. I do some RX's but they are restasis and lodine, a natural adrenal suppliment, ginseng, etc.)

    I also realize that I may need some other kind of regular therapy for my stresses.

    And I realized that my body IS falling apart and if I don't do something radical I really may die soon.

    Sorry for this long post. I'm really worried about my health. Am I being paranoid or smart to be cautious?


  2. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    You have a lot of illnesses with which you have you are trying to cope; no wonder it can feel overwhelming. I also have at least four conditions which are chronic but nothing like you are dealing with. What I have found is that if I try to take one condition at a time and work on each one and the associated symptoms, it helps me not to feel so overwhelmed. One just has to be careful not to make one thing worse by treating another.

    You are wise to recognize the role that stress plays in our illnesses and try to minimize your stressors.

    I really don't have any concrete treatment recommendations but just wanted you to know you are in my prayers and that you have friends here. Almost everything which has helped me is something I first heard about here from our generous and caring members.

    BTW, I took the liberty to add the extra breaks to separate your paragraphs to make your post easier to read. Many of us have trouble reading.

    Love, Mikie
  3. Jeramy

    Jeramy New Member

    Thanks for adding those breaks. I tried my best because I have trouble too. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. Thanks so much for the encouragement.
  4. crickett

    crickett New Member

    Jeremy: please see your dr and get a hida - scan it tells if your gallbladder is not functioning !!! I went thru this and it saved my life!!! God bless and keep us informed
  5. sascha

    sascha Member

    sounds as though you need to come up with a plan for where you are now and build for your future, and sounded as though that is exactly what you started realizing.

    find the support and guidance you need. the past is the past (i have lots of hard stuff from the past, too). just get into building mode for yourself. you have a good situation now to fight for. search and work at it until you find the supports and help that ring true for you. a doctor or holistic healer WITH CFIDS/FM EXPERIENCE who can manage your case. don't ever let go of hope. when you search and search and advocate for yourself you WILL find answers and help. keep on trucking- and let people know what happens- very best to you, Sascha
  6. Jeramy

    Jeramy New Member

    I'll look into the HIDA test

    Jamin I do go to alanon. Yes it is great, but when I'm this sick I don't have energy or am unable to manage my pain at meetings.
    And yes, I have alternative healers too. I have such a good team. My GP, endo and rheumy are all into that, so I also see a chiropractor who knows a tone about natural meds. I also see a healer who practices Reiki and Kinisesiology and I see a natural medicine Physical therapist and certified nutrionist.

    Sascha - thanks for the encoragement to keep searching. And thanks for reminding me that I have a good life worth fighting for.
  7. Jeramy

    Jeramy New Member

    Wow, just looked up info on the HIDA scan. That is quite something! How did it affect you? How did it help? How was the testing process. Sounds tiring. What about having a radioactive bdy for 2 days?
  8. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Hi Jeramy,
    I would say that you are smart to be cautious and more so that you aware that some changes need to be made.

    I learned a long time ago that some people get to breeze through life and some people just don't...I'm in the latter group. I have not experienced the trauma that you have, but I've experienced some challenging things and probably because I am such a deep thinking person, things effect me in an equally deep way.

    I think that life is full of stress. It can be around every corner. It's actually just a part of life. It's learning to manage it, knowing how to best deal with it, rid ourselves of the unnecessary parts of it that we must do. Some things are unavoidable, illnesses, things with our children, financial problems etc. Sometimes when things happen on top of another, the stress seems tenfold. Breaking each thing down separately makes them more manageable, or makes looking at them not seem so overwhelming.

    Part of the process is knowing how to avoid stressful situations (that are truly avoidable), people who stress us out and sometimes making tough life choices about giving some things up, like you did with your ex-husband.

    I know that stress has a direct correlation to my pain. My whole body feels it. If you are a person who keeps things inside, that is even worse. I find that communicating how I'm feeling, doing what I NEED to do for ME helps me even if just a little. I'm a "I'll do it" person and I've had to learn to say, "Nope, I can't - would love to, but can't, or better yet, won't"

    I've been through the IEP thing with two kids, and although it's added to the list of things you have to take care of, try not to let that stress you out. Look at that more as that one really important thing at the top of your list you do as a Mom. Those kinds of things pay off.

    Regarding the HIDA scan. They are no big deal. My Mom had one, I was with her. She literally laid on a table while the machine did it's thing. She ended up needing her gallbladder out and felt so much better afterwards. When you don't feel good physically, it's just so hard to feel good mentally!!! We all know that one!

    As I said, there will ALWAYS be things in life that are stressful. It's knowing how to deal with them and to what degree we let things get to us. Support is so important and it sounds like you have a great new guy in your life. Knowing you can get through anything is critical.

    Funny I'm typing this because as we speak, I am going through the scare of my life so far.
    Things are in perspective for me at the moment - what's important and what's really not. Right now, I just want to live.

    Try the meditation, yoga, even keeping a gratitude journal. Take care of yourself.