I'm apparently not well enough to have my daughter unsupervised

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by painterZ, Jul 25, 2008.

  1. painterZ

    painterZ New Member

    That's the latest decision handed down by the higher authority figures in my life. Two years of hell fighting for her, trying to get her away from my ex the pedophile and yet I'M not stable enough to have two hours of unsupervised time, once a week, with her. My supervised time with her will hopefully continue unless I "do something stupid like attempt to hurt myself" then all bets are off forever. My attorney, my therapist, my psychiatrist all said they would never be able to fix the damage if I "tried something stupid and it failed." They also told me they would never work with me again, and that finding docs with my needed speciality is difficult, and THAT I know to be true.

    I'm beyond depressed, I feel like I've lost my daughter again, the first time being when she was four when I first got sick. Things were hard but getting better, and now I see her slipping through my fingers again. She's eleven and although I made every visit and called practially every night all those years, we're very distant toward one another. She doesn't know me, and understandably doesn't trust me. I'm the mom who pops in and out of hospitals and can go from happy to sad in less than a second. I'm the mom with "mental issues".

    There's no way out of this mess. I'm trapped. I've been trying to get well for years and then always a relapse. I'll continue to try for my daughter's sake but I'm on empty so...I just don't know.

    Thanks for listening. Even my family doesn't know this humiliating news yet.

  2. sorekitty

    sorekitty New Member

    to hear about this. OMG you must be devastated. I agree with the above poster. . . hang in there and keep on being in her life as much as you can.

    Again, I am so sorry for you. Big hugs!
  3. stick2013

    stick2013 Member

    I am so sorry that this has happened to you. It must be hell to go through this.

    I wish that I had words of wisdom to help you through this, but I don't. You are right though, keep trying for your daughter's sake.

    Prayers are with you.
  4. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member


    I am so sorry to hear about this. Yes, you must be heart broke. Please do not give up ! Yes, I think if you leep fighting at least she will realize in the end that you do love her and will be close to you again.

    Who is she living with now, her father (the pedophile or her grandparents? ) I am confused. She surely shouldn't be with your x. If she is with him it is really a mess and that should not be so, what are the courts thinking? if they ar e thinking at all??

    Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking and praying that all good things come your way, even if you might have to wait a bit. Hopefully sooner rather than later though for your sake though.

    Hugs and blessings,

  5. 4everkid

    4everkid New Member

    Wow PainterZ, I am so sorry that it turned out this way. I just can't believe they would let her stay with her father, being the way that he is.

    It must be awful missing out on being there as your child grows up. I am sorry that you don't get to be involved in her day-to-day life. But on the positive side, you don't have to be the heavy that sets the rules and enforces them. Even though your time together is short, at least it is fun time.

    You will just have to make the best of what you have to work with now. Just make those lousy supervised visits a lot of fun for the two of you, and try to block out the watchers. Be yourselves and pretend they aren't there.

    I assume that when she is of age, she will be allowed to see you whenever she wants, right? So focus on that. Make plans for an excellent vacation you can take together when she gets a little older.

    At 11, it is not unusual for a girl to be distant to her parents. It may not have anything to do with you. Preteens and teens are going through a phase of hormonal imbalance that makes them hard to relate to for a while. At this age, they know everything and all adults are stupid. Time with family is a punishment. And your daughter has been trough a lot with all this stuff going on and everyone fighting over her. It's very possible that she is equally, if not more distant with her father and grandmother.

    At this age between childhood and adult, the best thing you can do is allow them plenty of time to talk about their feelings without judging them. (This was what my own daughter told me when she was a teen.) She didn't want any advise, she just wanted me to listen and understand how SHE felt.

    I know it seems like an eternity away right now, but when she gets older, you will be free to be together again. And she will want to be with you. You are her mother and always will be. And even though she may seem distant for the next few years, she really does love you. And no matter what cosmetic mutations she goes through or angst ridden attitude she takes on, she will eventually come back around to herself again when she comes out the back side of the teen years.

    Don't focus on the trial and its outcome. Its over and you can't change it. Focus on the time you do have together. Whether it's fun time, intimate girl talk, or a relaxed dinner or movie watching time, just make the time you do have positive. Make plans for the future. Plan a big trip to ___, and gather info about what to do there, and save money towards it. It will give you something exciting to bond over and something positive to focus on.

    Here's an idea: Get her a camera if she doesn't have one, to take pictures of her friends and all the fun things she does. Then start a scrapbook together, documenting her activities. She can supply the photos, and in the process of making the scrapbook she can tell you about all her friends and the things she has done. It will keep you close, and make you more involved with her life.

    The past is unchangeable, but the future is yours to make what you choose of it! For now, just hang in there and have fun with the time you do have.

  6. french

    french Member

    can i just ask? were you ever ill before you met your ex husband?
  7. painterZ

    painterZ New Member

    for your hugs and luv:) My ex-mil has legal custody of my daughter but my ex-husband lives with them both so its not like she's protected. My ex-mil lives in a fantasy world that her son can do no wrong and that what he was caught doing was just a huge mistake. It's just such a mess and my mind is spinning.

    French: I've had problems with anxiety and depression since I was a child. We didn't know I had D.I.D. until just a few years ago. He knew that I had some huge issues and took advantage of them. In marriage counseling, he actually said that I was "convenient" our marriage was one of convenience...nice! He got angry that the "only thing you're good for as a woman is to reproduce and you can't even do that!" My daughter is adopted.

    Yeah, I'm really struggling right now, but thank to all who have responded. I really appreciate your thoughts, recommendations, and plain concern.

  8. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    It is possible you are here at this exact point for a reason, and this is where you should be.

    We do not always understand the "why" but time will tell.

    Keep fighting the good fight and let God carry the worries.

    As for you, you can handle just one day at a time and try to identify your blessings each day. Don't focus on the negative if possible.

    If the negative creeps in, say NO, and re-focus on the love for your daughter. Things are always changing and your life will change. Probalby sooner that you know.

    Try to occupy yourself with things that you enjoy. You have been through alot but you don't have to let this be perceived as a failure. It is just a step towards getting back to where you belong.

    It is not your fault you have the difficulties in the past so don't feel guilty about that. You and your daughter will become closer and closer, just give it time.

    You have not lost your daughter again, you are just on a path to get back with her. All you need to do is follow that path and have faith you will be together again one day.

    At this point it seems this is more about your daughter than you. If she does not know you that well, has trust issues, etc. you just need to be patient and give her time to re-build the trust. Naturally that does not happen overnight but it will happen.
  9. painterZ

    painterZ New Member

    I swear I'm trying to see any positive out of this. I can't stop crying and believe me, I am not one to cry! I will continue on and set up family therapy as the court has ordered, although it will not be therapy with the goal of getting unsupervised visits, it will be to "...open communication between the legal guardian (ex-mil), the ex-husband and the daughter..." We will have four sessions...don't have any idea of what four sessions will do but I'm still trying to move forward.

    My daughter is what kept/keeps me connected to this world...I would do anything for her including sticking it out when I really don't want to.

    Thanks again for your support...