I'm back in denial of CFS

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by bunnyfluff, Mar 23, 2007.

  1. bunnyfluff

    bunnyfluff Member

    I am back to where I am deciding that this is just not "real", that my anxiety, and toxic relationships are causing most of this, and the Lyme the rest of the bad feelings I have.

    I was a happy and healthy person once, and that person is still inside here, sort of locked up somehow. But I think I am the person keeping it locked up.

    I think I have just lost the "real" me. Somewhere back there, and this alter ego took over, and it's time for her to leave. Like the evil twin in the sitcoms.
  2. WhatHappen

    WhatHappen New Member

    Hi bunny

    I was once a healthy person. I had a very successful career also. But now I am barely able to choose which type of cereal to buy from the grocery store when I am able to make it there. I cycle between accepting the illness to denying that I have it. Each time I go into denial I have a serious crash which causes more pain and fatigue. I too have had toxic relationships and been under extreme stress. Even my therapist is telling me to only do 50% of what I am capable of doing. I hope and pray things get better for you.

    liz
  3. minkanyrose

    minkanyrose New Member

    I have been battling symptoms for over 10 years and when the weather starts getting nice nad summer is just around the corner I start the denial thing all over again.

    I tell my self good now I can get out walk go places the sun and warmth is so nice but It is a lie I can't and then I get angry at this dease all over again. I wish for me back all the time.

    I played softball all my life until I was 32 kept me in shape and with other people enjoying the sport and friendships. I worked 50 hours a week and took care of my 4 kids.

    now I hve non of that. I feel like I went from 30 to 90 yrs old over night and feel cheated. oh well I had alot of fun when I was younger and for what ever reason I have this I try to think of new ways to make my life fun again.

    I find myself hanging out with my teens and young married son playing cards and board games thank God I still have my kids or I don't know what I would do. we play cards on the coffee table everyone sits around it on the floor and I lay on the couch in my P.J'S.

    i GUESS IT IS BETTER THAN NOTHING.

    Hope you find that little thing that gives you some enjoyment in your life.
  4. DustyCreekMom

    DustyCreekMom New Member

    I'm new to the board and I'm new to FM, I also have RA. I can clearly remember 2 summers ago and all the years before. I trained my horses nearly everyday, kept a clean house, baked, gardened, put up fence, painted, had friends, worked pt, took care of my elderly parents, my boys and my husband, walked, lifted weights, worked as hard as any man on a ranch. Now instead of being 37 somehow I feel older than my 80 yr old father. And I don't like it. I keep trying to do stuff and I fail. About all I can do is keep the house semi-clean, cook a few times a week and I feed my horses twice a day. But that wipes me out. I used to love walking the dogs in the pasture. Now I'm in so much pain, everywhere, all the time.... I hate this! I want my old life back! This has got to be a bad dream or something, it can't possibly be happening to me. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and I'll be able to walk to the bathroom. I'll jump out of bed and go ride horses all day long, golf with my kids, finish the new barn with my husband. And my husband will stop looking at me like I'm going to break. My 20 yr HS reunion is the summer what are all my friends going to think? say? This has got to be curable, right!? This will just go away like a bad dream, right?!
    I'm glad I found this board because I don't feel so alone now. But also it scares me that I may not be imagining this.
    Aleta
    [This Message was Edited on 03/24/2007]
  5. jjoys

    jjoys New Member

    It is better than nothing. Last weekend I was flat in bed and my hubby was shooting baskets with the kids after having gotten dinner and all cleaning up together. He says, "You all are functioning as if we didn't have a mom, picking up the slack, and helping out. But we do have a mom. It's just that she's back there in her bed sick. The Neef's (friends of ours) lost their mom to cancer. We still get to have our mom around. We can go in there and talk to her or get a hug from her or read books with her." etc., I can't remember everything he said, but I think his perspective is great. Even though I can't do for my family what I used to be able to do, I'm still here and can do some things and most important, I can love them. We live in a fallen world where lots of crappy stuff happens, but even when we're sick we can be part of the answer, not the problem. Sometimes it's hard to be greatful for life when you feel like you're half dead, but we have to keep trying, asking God for strength.
  6. bunnyfluff

    bunnyfluff Member

    be real. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like if I just start doing the things I did- maybe slowly at first- working out, gardening...trying to find the "old me"....maybe she'll come back to me.

    I just cannot accept this one more day!! It seems absurd, somehow. And I feel like I don't care anymore if it kills me trying to get back there. I don't want this. I didn't ask for this- none of us did.

    I've tried a lot of things, so maybe stubborn denial is all there is left to try.
  7. WhatHappen

    WhatHappen New Member

    I cycle through denial so much lately that I don't know what "normal" feels like. I am looking for another opinion (not a 2nd opinion but a 5th or 6th opinion) I have been told by Drs deal with your limitations and stop looking for what "might" be wrong. I just refuse to believe that my soon to be 84 year old mom calls to wake me up, pick veggies out the garden and cooks them for me! Where did she get the energy from?????? I am 42, I believe we have somehow switch places.

    Now reality: We must learn to live within our limitations and s-l-o-w-l-y make changes to see if it will cause another setback. I am not a patient person so this is really hard for me. And hearing Drs who tell me to exercise, eat healthier and lose weight does not help. It's a full time job just getting a shower getting dressed and dealing with people who don't understand this illness. Including ALJs. I was denied at the hearing level because he felt my sleep study, neuropsych eval and the opinion of over 5 doctors and therapist seem to contradict what SS contracted doctors had to say. I now have to wait another year for the court of appeals to make a ruling.

    Liz
  8. clerty

    clerty New Member

    I know how you feel I honestly thought the doctors where wrong and I was dying I had it in my head have you been on any of the protocols I have been on antibiotics for the last few days for a sinus infections and they have realy helped me I dont feel a 100% but I do see an improvment so
    I have e mailed my reum doctor the marshal protocol so I can discuss this with him when I get back for Scotland/Ireland this has realy lifted my spirits and I know there is hope hang in there !!!

    Clerty
  9. WhatHappen

    WhatHappen New Member

    No matter what I go in for, it is blamed on Fibro. I was in so much pain last Wed, my PCP gave me a shot of torodol and a perscription for hydrocodone. I plan to try some compleminary therapy. I have an evaluation in two weeks. I can't afford Dr Lapp. $300 per hr. min 3 hours on the first visit and he does not take insurance.
  10. annaleeb

    annaleeb New Member

    I can so relate, I also was a very active lady, I am a retired, (cause I had no choice) horse trainer, I did it all, lessons training judging, and showing every single week! I had to completely give up all that about 5 years ago, it was my life! I tried to keep going, till I had not the strength to hold on to a horse on a lunge line any more, :( Course my depression really got worse at that time too. Oh how I wish this DD would go away.
    My FM is at an all time high right now, and its yes robbed me of a life i once knew, so many in the same spot as you are I am afraid, I will wish you the best, I know the support givin here is wonderful, I am truly sorry for the way you feel. But I do understand.
  11. bunnyfluff

    bunnyfluff Member

    for the support. I am trying some new things to get better. This just isn't working for me, ya know?? ;-)