I'm being abandoned

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by ayhatch, Feb 19, 2007.

  1. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member

    I know this isn't the "normal" topic for our site here, but I need to vent and cry out immediately!
    My spouse dropped a bomb on me today. We have been having horrible problems fraught with alcoholism, finances not being coordinated, my bad health...you name it.
    Now today the jerk says out of the blue he needs the American Express card. (We use it to pay for all groceries, gas, etc. then pay it off monthly.)
    I said "What?!" He said he can't afford to pay it anymore. I said why are you springing this on me and how am I supposed buy groceries, pay for meds, gas etc.?
    Then he says,'You have to pay for it yourself. (I have no money...can't work, Fibro..you know. Am awaiting disability.)
    Then he adds that he'll buy groceries for the kids but I have to buy my own food. What is this bullsh##!!!!
    This is so damn illogical! How am I supposed to live? How am I supposed to get the kids to school, etc. How do I get to Dr. Appts and kids to the dentist, etc.?
    What a complete idiot!!!!!
    I guess if he wants to play this stupid game, he'll need a dose of reality.
    The kids have dentist appointments and afterschool activities. My daughter has meds needing to be picked up from the RX man. He'll just have to yank his sorry butt away from work to do these things and more if I'm going to be a prisoner in my own home cause I have no money for gas.

    I think it's time for a lawyer...
  2. whoachief

    whoachief New Member

    I think you may be right about the lawyer. Yes, let him do all the "extras" that you do on a daily basis even if you are in HORRIBLE pain and see how much he gets accomplished at work. I guess his only other option would be to make sure your car is full of gas all the time & then you can do the transporting but he'll have to handle everything else. Hang in there!!!!
  3. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member

  4. Grammcrkrs

    Grammcrkrs New Member

    What does "BUMP" mean....are those initials that stand for something?

    This is radical and CRUEL on his part. He is saying he doesn't want to take care of you anymore. He has a moral obligation to take care of his wife. I'd see a lawyer IMMEDIATELY. You need a plan, and you need it now.
  5. LouiseK

    LouiseK New Member

    If you don't have $$ for a lawyer go to legal aid or get a paperback book or something. And I probably shouldn't say this but if you have access to anything $$ tuck it away somewhere safe.

    Try to keep it from the kids or else you will be having to deal with their emotions and upset too. Don't be tempted to use them against old dad just yet. At least wait to see if he straightens up in the near future. If you get the kids against him he will get defensive and mad at you. And possibly act worse (is that possible?) or at least keep his stance.

    Don't tell him anything at all -- not that you are seeing an attorney or calling his mom or anything. Knowledge is power and it sounds like he's already got enough power over you. Of course it is tempting to threaten but I say don't tell him anything.

    If he has a calm moment you may want to point out to him that the children will obviously notice what is going on and certainly be very upset about it. Children need to feel safe with their parents. Suggest he may want to proceed a little more rationally for the sake of his family.

    Keep a diary. Get help right now.

    Good luck.
  6. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member

    I'm not done getting strokes of understanding from y'all, but what I've read in response so far has been helpful. Thank you!
    I am just so mad!!!!
    I mean really...not pay for my food? Should I start dividing the same food I eat with the kids and pay for half of it? You know they get 8 slices from a loaf of bread and I get 4? What should I pay per slioe? Waht a tyrannical idiot!
    Aaaaaack!!!
  7. lv2sing

    lv2sing New Member

    I will give advice as an older & wiser person. I went through a divorce about 16 yrs ago. I was civil as much as I COULD be through most of it. But yes, I was very angry. My husband grew up w/out a father, & had a very manipulative mother, that made him stay home to "care for her, it was his obligation...?" . He just wasn't w/ it during our marriage. Once we had a child, he became very distant, & immature because he was no longer getting the attention, etc. I stayed w/ someone for 13 yrs because I thought I had to, but could finally take it no more. I was a married person, that was basically single because I did everything myself, work, pay bills, grocerys, bank, take care of our daughter,etc. He didn't want to learn, because I was doing it all, why should he have to? he did nothing, because he didn't know how. Emotionally, he was very immature, & socially was a recluse. So anyway, I can certainly understand what you are going through. I learned AFTER my divorce, that I did alot of things wrong, as far as what I accepted in court, etc, because I thought I HAD to, my attorney never told me any different, even though I won the case, & sole custody.

    What I am saying is, you need to see a lawyer, & NOW!! It needs to be an assertive, female, again, FEMALE lawyer. Ask from friends, lawyer referral, etc, whom they can recommend. Women lawyers are more responsive to what a woman needs, because they are a woman. You need to file, right away, charges of abandonment. Essentially, that is what he is doing, & as a married person, that is against the law. If he wants to live elsewhere while the divorce is going on, that's fine, but he still has to take care of the family till the case is heard. No judge is going to let a man get away w/ not paying the wife something, especially when they are sick & can't work, & there are children in the home.I got alimony for a year, & I was working then, but I only made like $5.25 an hour @ the time, he made double that.

    In the meantime, start looking into extra resources NOW that you might qualify for once you have filed for divorce, if it gets that far. Look for electric assistance, medicaid & food stamps, low-income housing, etc in case you have to move if you cannot afford your current place. Talk w/ others you might know that are divorced & see where all they got help. Contact your local or city Dept. Of Human Services. They can tell you lots of info, & where to go to get help, etc.
    Good luck. I'm so sorry you have to go through this right now. I also had fibro when I went through mine, & I was a mess, physically & emotionally, but I made it, & I came out stronger afterwards. You never think you can do something, till you are forced to. I hope & pray you guys work things out, but I would still check into a lawyer & get a consult. They almost always are free for the initial one, & if you accept them, they will take payments, I'm sure. I only paid mine $50 a month, for like 1 1/2 yrs.

    I will say a prayer for you tonight, & good luck w/ things. Try & keep your chin up, & remember we are all here for you, whenever you need to talk. We've all got experiences behind us, that can help others. In the meantime,( HUGS ), & prayers,
    Hold on.....
  8. LouiseK

    LouiseK New Member

    Just ignore that total cr##. Just eat and use the house and give him a list at the beginning of the week of all the children's appointments and a grocery list. Tell the kids mom has a flu and dad is going to help her out for a few days if he'll go along with it. Suggest to him that you are helping him not upset the kids by giving them a "reason" for his actions.

    Do whatever chores and housekeeping you usually do at home.

    Just live as usual only without shopping. Keep some gas in your car for emergencies.

    Try to diffuse the situation right now. "Flow like water" is a great Chinese expression -- take the path of least resistance.
  9. lv2sing

    lv2sing New Member

    If you guys have a savings account together, go & make a withdrawal of atleast 3/4 of it (you have the kids, so you need more $). Also, put it somewhere that he will NEVER find it. If you need to get a lockbox at the bank, do so. The smallest is very cheap most places. Also, try & get access to a cell phone for atleast 911 if you do not currently have one. Sometimes you can get them from domestic violence shelters, goodwill, Catholic Charities, even the phone company. And I forgot, if you do get a lawyer, or even just a consult, do NOT, NOT tell your spouse who it is. I made that mistake. After My ex found out I had a prominent female attorney, he tried to go & get himself a good male one, but no one would except him because of his attitude. So he got stuck w/ someone that didn't know anything....YAY :) Best wishes....
  10. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member


    Our joint savings may have $300 in it. I don't think I can withdraw without closing it, there's so little.
    I did start a diary this morning, like you suggested. I wrote down what happened yesterday and now this morning. Middle of the night my son starts crying..his ear hurts. He needs to be seen by the doc. he's has a cold, so an ear infection is probably going on. BUT, how's he going to get there? The gas in my car is now for "personal" use only. The doctor has a payment and there will be meds to pick up for the ear infection. He said he would take care of the kids needs. Well, here we go... I told him as he was getting ready for work that he needed to take him to the doctor, etc. and he said no ...he has to go to work(of course). But you would think the ass would've caved and give me the $$ to pay for this pleasure trip to the doctor and RX today? NO. He said I have to. With what?
    Well, I do have a little money in my account, but it's already spent on my medical bills, etc.
    Anyway, I'm grappling with what choice is better... raid his cash stash? Take his checkbook and write checks for what the kids need or just keep all my receipts and bill him? Of course I'll have to present those bills with a court order.
  11. tngirl

    tngirl New Member

    If you reply to a post, it takes it back to the first page of this message board.

    Sometimes someone will simply type "BUMP" to send the message back to the first page so people will see it and reply.
  12. katvwolf

    katvwolf New Member

    Awwww, sweetie, I'm SO sorry you are going through this right now. The last thing you need, really... (((HUGS))).

    I would advise you to take all the legal precautions the ladies have suggested in this thread, and immediately. However, you have to deal with the situation until you can get the legal process going.

    Since you're the mom and have all the jobs pertaining to that (which is a full time job and a half with being sick), as much as hubby dear is being a prick, is he prepared to pay someone to cart his children around, be their personal nurse, cook, laundromat, etc.? Ask him this. It is only fair that he put gas in your car so that you can be the chauffeur. It is only fair that he give you money to buy groceries so you can cook for the kids. It is only fair that he buy the laundry detergent so you can wash the kids clothes... As compensation, he can buy your food, clothing, medical bills, etc. Tell him he'll pay you more in alimony and child support, the jerk. Either he supports you now, or he supports you after a divorce.

    Ask him how his children would feel if they knew their father was treating their mother that way. It is disrespectful. Is he the one with alcohol issues? If so, you can make him getting joint custody pretty difficult and could probably even drag it out to SUPERVISED visitation. Given your illness, he will have to pay you alimony and child support, should you seek legal help/divorce. You're also entitled to the house and half of everything. It is his legal obligation.

    Once again, I'm terribly sorry that you're going through this right now. It is just an incredibly cruel thing that is happening to you. You deserve so much better than this.

    I would take your son to the dr. today and use your checkbook. You have a right to use it. You're not an animal caged by your husband's restrictions. If he wants to behave like this, he will be the one who suffers repercussions, not you.

    Hang in there and keep us posted.

    Kat
  13. fogger2

    fogger2 New Member

    you are experiencing this kind of abuse. YES....ABUSE. I agree with Ouch...."he is planning something". Get that money out of the bank ASAP as you need to see a lawyer immediately. They may want $75.00 to $100.00 just for a conference. Many will do it for free. Also, don't choose the cheapest lawyer simply because you don't have the funds. A good attorney will make sure he has to pay anyway and, if not, will still do a better job in making sure you get what you deserve. I failed both times in that department because of limited finances. Remove any jewelry and other expensive items from the home NOW. He'll only do it anyway once he catches on. Believe me, due to my illness, I have been through this twice and got screwed twice because I didn't want to be "mean" and take the money. Both my ex's took the money, my jewelry (non of which they had given to me, btw, my art, stereo equipment,furniture, etc.....also belonging to me prior to the marriage. The last refused to pay for my food, as well, along with other inhumane behavior. Make an appointment with your local Domestic Violence Shelter immediately. Abuse does not just mean physical violence. They will be able to help you with many problems including court matters and other assistance. Document, document, document everything. It will help in the proceedings. You are not safe in this marriage. The shelter is a good way to do that and they will help you get food and other necessities. Don't engage your husband by arguing with him in any way, shape or form. Don't tell him anything. The shelter will provide you and your children with a safe house in case he gets angry about the removal of funds or becomes physically violent but you need to do it NOW. Call the police immediately if he lays a hand on you...even if you aren't injured. They will remove him from the house for a few days and it will be documented, as well.

    My prayers are with you. Keep the faith and remember you do not deserve to be treated this way by anyone. Your
    concerns must lie with the safety of both you and your children. The last thing you want to teach them is that this type of behavior if acceptable.[This Message was Edited on 02/20/2007]
  14. fogger2

    fogger2 New Member

    REMOVE the word "abandoned" from your internal vocabulary. Keep reminding yourself are moving forward to a better life...one that you deserve as a good human being. I know it is difficult and scary now, particularly as a FM sufferer. Everything is more difficult for us. But, in the end, you will see you are much better off without this alcoholic and abuser.
  15. Shalala

    Shalala New Member

    I am sooooo sorry you are having to deal with a jerk ... all I can offer you is a
    ((((((((((( BIG HUG ))))))))))

    I have always been alone/single. BUT having worked around men all of my life (and been burned myself) ... I think you need to prepare yourself and look out for #1. Many men are shallow and think with the wrong head ;-) so you just look out for yourself and your babies. We would all kick him for you if we could raise our legs ;-)

    Good luck sweetie
  16. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    ayhatch:

    How is your health? I really hope you find at least some 'down' time for yourself.

    I do not know how the stress can not be harming your illness.

    I will think and hope all goes better for you.

    nyrofan
  17. mujuer

    mujuer New Member

    Please find their number and see if they can help. I know they help out with people that have been a victim of any sort of crime and believe me your husband has been mentally abusing you. If you can't find the number, call the police station and they will get it for you. Also ask for a crime victims advocate from the police department. These people are a huge, huge wealth of information and they are free. Tell them your story and I am sure they will help. They also will help you very, very fast. I agree with what everyone else said on here and my heart breaks for you. He is planning something so you need to get prepared yourself and fast. Take care and you are in my prayers.
  18. ktpar

    ktpar New Member

    I am going thru the same abandoment issues. My husband put a protective order out om me stating that I was acting strange and taking Narcotics. Domestic Violence is an issue here. He justify what he does by stating to the cops that I am on alot of meds and Hallucinating. I go before the judge on Thur hopefully he would be charged with DV and get the punishment he deserves.
  19. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member

    Your hugs and prayers and advice are warming my heart and filling my eyes with tears. I really feel loved right now. THANK YOU!!!!!
    I will look into all of your advice and keep you posted.
    For now I have been on the phone all morning with local Family law services, a friend who is a lawyer, a mediator, etc. I have a hefty decision to make. You know he's forcing my hand and I really don't want to cry divorce because that makes me the one with less leverage and I would be without medical coverage. (I'm on his.) I'm thinking I'll file for seperation along with child and spousal support for now.
    First I'm going to tell him he's forcing me into this corner, then give him the choice...euther I file or he gives back the access to $$ AND we sit down with a mediator to work out the issues, NOT feelings.

    Thank you all so much. You have made me feel so much better. I know I'm not alone.
    {{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS for EVERYONE}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
  20. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member

    Check under "abandoned" update...
    and thanks for supporting and cheking up on me!