I'm in this little pradicament...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by solockedup, Oct 6, 2005.

  1. solockedup

    solockedup New Member

    I'm seventeen years old and I'm...Kinda in this pradicament. My Dad doesn't understand the fact that I have FMS...he would say crappy things to me. My mom has it too (she goes here too) but he isn't as nasty with her. Anyway it's gotten so badly that I might have to move out. But that's not the main PART of my pradicament. I have'nt been in school since I was fifteen years old...they kicked me out for missing too many days (That's AFTER my mom spent a year trying to explain my illness to them by giving them medical records, several pages of information on children with fibromyalgia and how they can't always attends school regularly). Not to mention I'm too sick to have a job. I wouldn't mind staying with my family after I turn eighteen but the verbal abuse has gotten out of hand. My dad says things that would probably make the avreage teen cuss him out. going into detail would only make mad again and I REALLY can't afford that. For the past few weeks I've been exorcising and trying to get stronger so I can GET a job and if I can't do that...I'll have to apply for disability. A part of me does'nt want to DO that. I can't even exorcise like I want to because my dad keeps overworking me. He wants me to function like a normal kid when it comes to chores...and when I want to leave the house I always have to fight him in order to do so...I write books to kill time and make myself feel better...well I haven't been writing any latly but I've been reading them to entertain myself (since watching T.V and playing video games is nearly impossible.) but just because I'm doing THAT he thinks I can lift heavy things and make the kitchen spotless. That's why I REALLY need to leave my house as SOON as possible. Mom has been trying to talk with him and ready our FMS books but he won't even DO that...and he keeps thinking I don't do ANYTHING to better myself...all I supposably do is sit on my butt and write my books but that isn't true. I spend most of my energy helping my mom clean the house, help my brother with his homework and help him get ready for school when Mom can't do it...and I even cook dinner sometimes when Mom or my grandma can't. Since my dad isn't home long enough to notice or CARE for that matter he sticks with his words. He won't even let me have company much anymore. I'm sorry for the ranting but I REALLY need some advice. I have freinds and family that want to take me in but they ALL have conditions that I cannot do because of my health. I know they mean well but they can't help me...I don't know what to do. I was thinking about getting my books published but my grammer SUCKS but my freinds and some of my family that have read some of them tell me that I should...I don't really know...

    [This Message was Edited on 10/06/2005]
    [This Message was Edited on 10/06/2005]
  2. rileyearl

    rileyearl New Member

    Hi Sweetie,

    I'm so sorry you're in such an impossible situation. It's not a little predicament at all. What's happening there is abusive behavior.

    Do you have any grandparents or aunts and uncles you might be able to camp out with for awhile? Or old family friends that might help?

    I encourage you to visit this board frequently and let us know how you're doing. Know that you are always among friends here, who know how you feel.

    Here's a hug!!

  3. patches25

    patches25 New Member

    Hi, It must be so very difficult for you to be ill and not be believed by a family member. It sounds like you have a wonderful mother who cares about you. Confide in her.

    About education. There may come a time that you will feel better and can complete your education with a GED. From that you could enter a junior college and slowly get your credits. There are college grants and loans to help. You could polish your grammar and maybe one day we will be reading one of your stories. And if writing isn't your thing, you will have skills for a job that isn't backbreaking. I know it isn't easy to think long term, but it gives a person hope for a better tomorrow. Sending you a hug. E.
  4. smiffy79

    smiffy79 New Member

    hi sweety
    im sorry you have this as well as just being a teen :) ~
    i too lived with this as a teen and i was up against both of my parents,i was called fat (at size 10) and lazy i was shouted atfor moving around so slowly my dad would shuot " you have no sence of urgency" shouted ,,,,, well you get the idea anyway.

    dont worry about ranting we do understand and as an adult my dad is more understanding but my mum will have moments where she will slate me.

    i can so relate to you and your situation but i will say this please dont move out. thats exactly waht i did and i ended up in an awful place where i just got sicker,right now family is the best thing you can hold on to.

    looking from your dads point of veiw to an extent i can understand although i dont agree but he wants for his little girl a great future not the suffering he sees in his wife every day, by forcing you to excercise he is looking where a few dinosaur doctors look to make us better and it doesnt work and it actually makes the whole illness much much worse.

    the only way i could stand up for myself was to read and learn about the demon i face and fight daily, from what i can see i do think that would be the best way forward for you right now.

    dont ask him to read about your illness,wait until you can reasonably stand up for yourself by explaining exactly whats going on and how this affects you. there is no reason why you cant take a part time job but dont be forced into doing too much at once.

    take care sweety.
  5. JLH

    JLH New Member

    My dear, I really feel for you, because like you said, you are really have a "little predicament", however, I think it's a pretty big predicament -- your father!

    It appears to me that you are suffering a form of emotional/verbal abuse from your father.

    But, back to another important issue. Your education. If your school board kicked you out of school when you were 15 for missing too many school days, why did they not make you attend school some place else, or provide home schooling?

    Most schools have an area set aside to teach students who have been expelled from the regular school building. Did yours? If not, why did they not provide a teacher from "home bound" schooling? To deny you an education is a major injustice of your school district.

    So, as I see it, you have two major issues:

    (1) finishing your high school education--this is a must--some how, some way.

    (2) your father--his relationship with you.

    .... and possibly as third major issue:

    (3) your mother--why she hasn't interceded on your behalf to get you help in finishing school and working on your father's and your relationship--his verbal abuse toward you.

    You have to check into getting your GED. This is a must. Hopefully, you will be able to study at your own pace, and maybe with a tutor. Maybe if you had a tutor, you would not have to study as long, and only when you feel better. But, you have to get your GED if you ever want to better yourself in this world. And .. I'm sure you do. Think about this in a positive attitude .... that you CAN do it!!!

    I am sure that your father wants you to do your fair share of the chores around the house. You and you mother need to sit down and come up with a plan on how the two of you (and if there are other children in the house that should be participating) can get all the daily chores accomplished to a degree that you father will be happy with. This may be difficult since both of you have fibro.

    However, in order to live in your parents' house, you have to abide by his wishes. Look at the chores as being your daily exercise! It sounds as if your father has problems with anger management. That's really sad that any child, even if you are a teenager now, has to be brought up in that type of situation.

    If he says things to you, WITHOUT JUST CAUSE, that would make any "normal" teenager cuss him out, then I see him as an unfit father. That may sound harsh, but that is my personal opinion. I was raised by the most loving mother and father ever. They were very fair, they handed out much discipline, but we four children always respected them. Neither of my parents ever cussed at us, called us names, or hit us--we did get a few spankings as young children, but nothing that would ever be considered abuse or not normal. My husband and I raised our children the same.

    One thing that I think is intolerable is abuse of children, whether it is verbal, emotional, or physical. It is cruel, inappropriate, unnecessary, and totally uncalled for.

    However, he is your father, and if you want to live at home, even if after you turn 18, you will have to find a way how to live with him.

    Try to get your GED; continue focasing on how to improve your health, go to the doc regularly, take your meds, get exercise; help around the house to "pay" for your keep; keep writing your books; and check into getting your books published--an editor will polish your grammar, etc.

    Good luck to your, dear, and make an effort to understand your father and his behavior--and talk with your mother about her taking up for you a little more!


    [This Message was Edited on 10/06/2005]
  6. Countrymom

    Countrymom New Member

    my heart goes out to you. You are being abused. People have posted excellent suggestions. I do hope that you can find some comfort and solutions. Take care, you are doing the best thing by trying to find help...good luck sweetie, if I could take you in I would.


  7. Sheila1366

    Sheila1366 New Member

    My daughter went through the same thing as far as school goes.I ended up homeschooling her 2 different times.She finished her senior year at home and that really depressed her.The school system doesn't always understand these things.

    I hate that you are having to put up with the verbal abuse.Bless your heart.

    I think that you writing is very good for you and apparently you are good at it.There are people out there that correct grammer with these book publishing companies, don't let that stop you.If it is easier record your books on tape.

    I wish I had a magic wand and make things better for you.Do the best you can with what you have right now and don't give up on your future.Don't give up on your dreams.
  8. LollieBoo

    LollieBoo New Member

    so much of what has already been said is really the best advice anyone could give- finish your education. You should have the opportunity to learn the rules of grammar, just like every other 17-year-old. My hunch is, that given the opportunity, you'd outshine most 17-year-olds, given that you are an avid reader and actually enjoy writing.

    The hardest part of your predicament may well be that you are being subjected to another person's will (your father's) and he does not seem to be concerned with your emotional (or educational) well-being. But the fact does remain that you have to abide by his rules while you live there. You can use the opportunity to learn coping skills that will serve you well when dealing with difficult people in the future! Always be aware of the boundaries, though. If your father does at any point become overtly abusive or uses even his words to hurt you- you must protect yourself. If he is being abusive, call it abuse. Talk to your mom. If he is a drinker, and that may contribute to his behavior, contact Al-Anon or Alateen in you area for support and guidance.

    You may qualify for free counseling in your area, or you may qualify under your parent's healthcare coverage. Now is the time to concern yourself with the lasting damage your father's careless remarks could leave. Brainstorm with your mother about what options are available to you to learn lasting coping skills.

    Finally, I would like to add maybe a more difficult thing to hear. My concern is that you are thinking it will all be better when you are able to move out. When you move out many things will change. You will be financially dependent upon your own skills (hence the importance of education), please don't sell yourself short by assuming there is nothing you can do- that is the lie that your father is trying to sell you... it's not true. To "settle" for disability at the age of 17 may deny you many wonderful experiences and countless opportunities. Granted, there may be failures and pitfalls, but that is how we learn best! You will have an apartment or some home of your own, somewhere, that will need to be cleaned and maintained somehow. You may choose to look at what you are being asked to do now as your daily exercise or you may choose to look at it as practice for cleaning your own future abode; either way, that is one part of your "predicament" you may want to embrace! I know it is no fun to have to clean up after several other people (Somehow I ended up with the task of having to clean the bathrooms when I had 2 brothers with "bad aim"... I protested, but to deaf ears! Now, I clean my bathrooms and feel lucky!! ;)

    Please remember: it will get easier... You have much responsibility for the way your life plays out in the long run. It sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders and know where you'd like to be. Have fun getting there! Prove your dad wrong... and smile while you're doing it!

  9. romie

    romie New Member

    I am so sorry.....but you must do something for your education........if you do not go to church you can still call around and find a pastor that will work with you and they have list of people that are willing to help with different things.........
    I will pray for you......people have responded with good advice........take it but also try the church.. they were there for me one time when I was 18 and alone.....they found help for me.....and would have helped more but I was raised not to ask for help.....which was wrong...but at 18 I was trying so hard and with the help they gave I made it through my problem. I had left church or should say was pulled out of church at 13 by my family.....it was a kind lady's church that noticed I was in trouble and sent me to talk to them.....I was at wits end so I went.....the man was a saint he had me help and out of town away from my familys reach within a day. He set up for me to travel with a sister to a church member that was visiting to take me back with her and had someone at her door within an hour of the time we reached her house to take me into a safe home until I could finish my last year of school and have a save loving support hundreds of miles from my problem........
    after that went to college some and helt a good job for years.........you too will find help if you seek it.
  10. LollieBoo

    LollieBoo New Member

    There are some heavy decisions you have to make, but the suggestions and support you are being offered are truly priceless!

  11. FM58

    FM58 New Member

    Oh Sweetie,

    As several other posters mentioned earlier - your education is of upmost importance. Your school district can NOT deny you an education just because you are ill.
    Why didn't your Mom help you procure the proper documentation from your doctor about your illness? This way you could be on homebound instruction. You are entitled to this education! It sounds like she tried - did she have a letter from your doc specifying why you could not attend school?

    My son has CFIDS and we have a doctors note to cover his attendance and tardiness- so far medication is helping- but I insisted on the note, just in case!

    OK, now you have missed over a year of school- so I do not know if your district considers you officially "dropped out" since you are over 16. You and your Mom can check into that by calling the guidance department or the child study team at your HS. If you can't be taken back and be put on home instruction- then the way to go is persuing your GED.

    You are doing good things by writing :) that is awesome! Helping around the house with what you can and helping your brother with homework too are indications that you do not want to give up on education. You still want to learn, you are willing & able to be that student. It is just a matter of accomadating around your special needs (fatigue & pain). That is something that can be accomadated, you are reaching out here-that means you can do it!

    You said you have relatives and friends that are willing to take you in, but have conditions that you cannot do because of your health. Well the environment you are in now sounds pretty toxic and really is not good for your health. There has got to be at least one relative or close friend that is less toxic than the environment you are in now.

    Talk to your Mom. Let her know that you need to continue your education. Whether it be GED or home bound instruction, let her know you are determined to have a HS diploma. Talk about your desire to continue on after HS - going to Community College. That is something that can be done s-l-o-w-l-y. You can take one class per semester until you feel you can handle more.

    Your Mom is already aware of how your father is affecting you. You need to stress HOW much he is impacting both your physical & emotional well being. Ask her to help you find an alternative place to live (even if it's temporary)& back on the road to your education.

    Well, I am glad you are trying to improve yourself by exercising & writing. I hope you can get out to the library and do some reading too. I wish I could take you in, I surely would help you with the education aspect. Hang in there & please talk to your Mom or another adult that you trust. I'm wishing you the best of luck! Post back soon & let us know what is going on - OK?

    Gentle Hugs,
  12. JLH

    JLH New Member

    Hello, dear ...

    Have you been back on the board to read any of our comments? If so, let us know. You don't have to tell us what you plan to do--just let us know that you've read them, please.

    Also, if I'm not being too nosey, I would like to know a little bit about your mother's part in how your father treats you--and how she treats you.

    Much love,
  13. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Sorry you're having such problems when you are so young and so ill.

    Talk to your county and/or state government. There should be a child protection agency/welfare dept, etc. to help you. Maybe a temporary housing situation.

    If you are really a writer, grammer doesn't matter. If it needs fixing, an editor can do it. Even if you don't become a professional writer, writing can be a great comfort and a means of healing.

    If you can't get help from the government, try the ACLU. You have rights and they may be able to help you. If nothing else works visit some newspapers and TV stations. Try to get them interested in doing a story on the injustice that is being done here.

    Good luck.
  14. KelB

    KelB New Member

    Sorry to hear you're having such a very hard time.

    It was just a small point in your post that jumped out at me. If your Dad is so keen that you lead a "normal" life and deny your illness, why doesn't he want you going out?

    Seems to me there's a control issue here that's larger than your illness.

    In your position, I'd start the ball rolling by contacting your old school and asking them why there was never any follow up to providing you with education, as they're obliged to. At least this might bring your situation to the attention of some support organisations who could help you.

    And to be honest, it sounds like your Dad needs some kind of counselling, as well.

  15. Marjidoll

    Marjidoll New Member

    My heart goes out to you so much. This illness is not easy for anyone to cope with and someone so young, well, it's just so tough.

    I think it's wonderful that you love to write. I would urge you to continue, it will provide therapy as well as encouragement for you to do something that you love and are good at.

    My 18-year-old son could not attend out public high school because he is severely allergic to cigarette smoke and the school basically just turns their back and lets it go on.

    He was able to attend virtual classrooms through out state cyber school, and it didn't cost us a penny. Everything is paid for through our school taxes. He received a free computer, headphones, books, all the educational material that he needed.

    I don't know where you live or if something like this is an option, but it would be worth looking in to. If you explain to the school that you have these health issues, they can make allowances for you to work at your own pace and obtain your high school diploma.

    If you would like, let me know what state you are in, and I will research it for you. I believe you are intellegent and sincere and want to see you succeed.
  16. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    issues with your dad. Many things could be motivating him, hopefully it's just his fears and concern that your life will be hard for you and he wants to try to make sure you push yourself and do all you can. For someone that doesn't understand FM it is very difficult to not see our behavior as laziness or that we are just short of motivation. He is foolish for not trying to educate himself about it and become your "advocate" and not your advisary. But as you would be told in Alateen or any other program, you have to somehow stop worrying about HIS behavior and actions and only deal with your own. You can't change him probably but you can change how you react to him.

    If you leave home for the wrong reasons you could be stepping out of the frying pan and into the fire. I know, because I got married to escape the problems my mother and I had at your age. I waited just until I was 18 and one month old to do it and it was the beginning of very bad choices in my life.

    Writing is a wonderful release and takes you away from the reality of a world that is not always fair or enjoyable. If you intend to pursue it you need one thing more than anything else and that's an agent. To find a good one you will have to write even short articles that are excellent, get published (even in newspapers or most anywhere). A good agent will guide you through how to find the best sources to gain the skills you need. You might start out by going to
    the teacher at your school that handles the literature education. Tell them your interest and dreams and ask for them to be your mentor. Factually most writers cannot "spell"..so that's not the end of the world. Get a good dictionary and thesaurus to keep handy.

    Write about what you know, maybe how
    difficult it is to be a teenager in a home where your illness is not fully understood. The pitfalls you face etc.. Other kids your age who are afflicted with similar illnesses might very well be your target audience. There are lots of small publishers, probably some in your state and maybe in your area. Make an appointment to go talk to them about the best avenues to take to get published with them or anywhere. There is a writer's handbook put out every year that tells where they accept artilce or stories and what they require. If you send something in and get a rejection, send it somewhere else..don't give up easily.

    I do think you could call the State or County and find out what it takes to get a social worker to come out and talk to you about programs you may qualify for. You might have to go
    in though, but I'd find out.

    Instead of getting angry with your dad, and this isn't easy, every time you look at him say to yourself something uplifting..if you are religious try "God loves you and so do I" or whatever. Eventually you will look at him with a different eye. But take advantage of the free rent and board as long as you can, NO
    one is going to take you in long term
    and take care of you without help for
    long. If nothing else ask your mom about trying to foot you some money to start a small Ebay business. They teach you on their site how to best sell on there. Maybe if you got a little income coming in you would feel better, but reinvest the money straight back into your business for at least the first year, once it's big enough you can start taking out
    profit to pay your way.

    School IS important but many people have been very successful without it.
    I am NOT telling you not to try and find a way to get your education, if you can, do it. It will help you learn to follow through and also open
    windows to the world you haven't yet
    thought about.

    You have a lemon and you need to learn to make lemonaide out of it, not easy, but doable. Your dad doesn't physically abuse you and as bad as the verbal abuse is, if you learn to react to it differently you
    CAN learn to bounce some of it off until you are old enough and in a position to really leave home. You could call the authorities and all that like some have said, but I know I wouldn't. BUT there ARE shelters for abused girls out there so if it gets unbearable, call that Boy's Town Hotline, it's for all sexes and they do have resourses.

    I wish you the best and my opinion is no better than any of the others, just a little different. Pick what you think might work best for you. Just be sure you "think" and don't "jump" too soon. Hugs, Bambi

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