"I'm of no use" says my boyfriend/CLhusband

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by lsaxton65, Jul 30, 2008.

  1. lsaxton65

    lsaxton65 New Member

    I moved in with my boyfriend last march(07) because i thought it would be easier on me. i was working full time at the time, but as soon as we moved in all of the responsibilities were dumped onto me, which was probably why i ended up quitting work 3 months later. my pain got worse and physically and mentally i wasn't able to work any longer.

    he has made complaints here and there and we have had full blown arguments which usually put me in a flare for days/weeks. i tell him i can't help that i am fatiguesd and can't fix supper sometimes or have sex.

    i try to explain to him that sometimes my mind won't function enough for me to be able to plan a meal, so sometimes supper doesn't get fixed and his lunch for work.

    i can't get up in the mornings with him anymore because i am so exhausted from not sleeping well or from the stress he puts on me. sex is a big issue with him too. i am too fatigued most of the time to have sex. and if i do have it i'm not worth anything for the next 2-3 days. tha last 2 times we had sex i held my legs with my hands just to get through it.(sorry about details)

    i manage to keep his house clean and wash his clothes and dirty dishes and tend to his dog and cook when i am able to, but i have had enough of him making me feel bad and feel like i am a lazy bad person.

    a couple of weeks ago, i was ready to leave when he told me..."you don't cook, show me attention or want to have sex...what use are you to me"???

    i wanted to cry!! i am waiting on my disability hearing, which i have contacted my congressmen to try to speed up. i have no other way to support myself. i truly am not able to work...i have thought about living in my car, but i have my 17 year old daughter with me that will be a senior this year and this wouldn't be good for her at all.

    she knows and agrees that this ghuy is a royal jerk...he is even a jerk to her when he gets on her case, which is usually when he's getting on my case.

    i really don't know what to do...i just wanted to vent(it was over due).

    thanks for listening

  2. lrning2cope

    lrning2cope New Member

    Lisa ,

    I am so sorry that it is like this. Your friend is right . He is a total selfish jerk . You don't need anyone like this toxic person in your life . You deserve better . You are just punishing yourself by staying with him. I am sorry to say this , but he just wants a maid with benefits.

    With your daughter , couldn't you move in with a friend just for a while ? Or how about a womens' shelter. Anything would be better and in a shelter they have access to all types of assistance that could get you going in the right direction.

    [This Message was Edited on 07/30/2008]
  3. CKater

    CKater New Member

    Do you have anywhere else you could go? A relative? You say he is your CL husband. I don't know any laws, but if you move out would he have to give you any support? What about your daughter? Do you receive any form of support for her? I think this goes deeper than you not making supper. He sounds like a selfish clod. But, if you're really stuck in this situation can you and your daughter help each other to get through it for now? Can she help you with suppers?, cleaning etc. As for the sex, well that's really a tough one. First hand experience tells me it's difficult at best. Would more rest during the day make any difference for you? Just some thoughts. I wish you the best
  4. lsaxton65

    lsaxton65 New Member

    lning2cope - I feel like he does want a maid and i am not able to do it all. I am looking for a womens shelter, but i have been a little foggy and can't concentrate

    jamin - I know for sure that he brings me down, but he always appologizes and will be better for a couple of weeks(maybe), but then i start wlking on eggshells again, wondering what mood he will come home in or wake up in or what i failed to do thgoughout the day...it's very stressful for me and my duaghter

    ckater - I don't have anywhere to go. we just moved to this area in april and i thought things would get better, but they haven't. he is very selfish and moody and i know i'm not "stuck" here, but it sure feels like it until i can come up with a plan, which is hard to do with all the mental confusion i have.

    one of the reasons i think i stay is i am on his insurance which has been very needed. i have MRI and EEG scheduled to rule out other disorders and diseases. I know this is really not why i stay...he has made me feel so inadequate that i can't make it on my own.
  5. WhoSaid

    WhoSaid New Member


    This is the second time I have posted this link today.
    Please go to this site and give it some time.
    Like I said in the other posting, you can't change what the other person does only how you react to it.
    Venting helps but that is only the beginning. When you vent you actually acknowledge the fact that "something" is very wrong and "something" has to change.
  6. lsaxton65

    lsaxton65 New Member

    jracula - I feel like that is what i'm waiting for because i'll will say to myself "as soon as i am approved for disability, i'm out of here" . I know i wouldn't be here if i had some money.


    whosaid - i know i have become codependent on this man. i was independent for so many years before i knew him. i always made my own money, paid my bills, had my own aprtment and space. i have faith that i will get out of this situation...it's patience that i could use alittle more of these days

    thank you all

  7. lrning2cope

    lrning2cope New Member

    Hi Lisa

    This is what helped me the most when dealing with my ex : It is a link to co-dependents anonymous. I hope it is ok to post this here .


  8. texangal81

    texangal81 New Member

    As women we are so susceptible to this kind of garbage. I was married for 18 years to an emotionally abusive man. You would have thought I would have learned! No, I had to fall for a sweet talking charmer after my divorce who cheated on me while I supported him through his unemployment. He owes me a ton of money that I know I'll never see. I considered myself a smart, educated woman. I went from a housewife to a computer guru in a few short years. Yet I let my "obsession" with this man get the better of me.

    I just posted on another thread about how I planned for years on how to get away from my emotionally abusive ex. You can do it too. Make a list of what you have to do to get away. Make sure you have a safe place to put it, my ex was tapping my computer and that is how he found out. But that was the turning point because that is how I started learning about computers.

    I too needed his insurance, so use him for what he can give you until you get away. He doesn't deserve a good, kind person, so you might as well get something for your abuse. I know I sound very jaded and hard about men, and sadly this is true. I posted before that I am HAPPILY divorced and will NEVER let a man get his claws on me or my money again. They are only good for one thing.......and I can easily hire someone to cut the grass *LOL*.

    Hang in there,

  9. texasrose204

    texasrose204 New Member

    I am so sorry you are in this situation! He sounds like my ex, Last March i moved in with my bfriend a year sooner because of FM. I was waiting for my son to graduate which he did this May. My bf has been very supportive I couldn't imagine going through this mess with someone like you are. My ex would have left me too self center to deal with someone sick. I will pray for you and it will work out! keep positive i know it is hard. I have those days i can't think straight i hate it i feel down right stupid! This DD is hard enough without you dealing with him! Hang in there!
  10. jbc66

    jbc66 New Member

    If you have only lived with him for a year, he is not your common law husband. States that acknowledge and recognize common law marriages typically require seven years of continuous cohabitation. It might sound like I am picking on you but I am not.

    Think about how much power you give to that crappy relationship by thinking of it as a marriage. Bad marriages can be costly and difficult to get out of. You just need to pick up and leave this dweeb. Fibomyalgia is worsened by psycho-social stressors. Try and reframe how you are veiwing this. It's nothing like a marriage - it was an attempt at cohabitation that has not worked out. It is clear he thinks your role is to service him not to be a life partner.

    I often tell my neice, don't marry anyone that is not going to treat you like a princess. I tell my son the same thing (but I don't say princess!)

    See if you can find some sort of transitional housing in the town you live in for yourself and your daughter and hang in there. Give yourself credit for what strength you have and use it! Good luck!
  11. Pansygirl

    Pansygirl New Member

    You've gotten some great advice and feedback here......

    I just wanted to give you a gentle hug.

  12. texangal81

    texangal81 New Member

    It differs state by state. Texas has VERY liberal laws when it comes to common law. All it takes is one too many drinks and the following statement "Bill, I would like for you to meet my wife" and you can claim common law!!!! I have a family law attorney due to all the crap my ex likes to pull (I have to pay child support to him) and I asked her about the laws because I was afraid my grandson's sperm donor would try to claim it just to give my daughter grief.

    Although you are techincally married and thus require a legal divorce, I know of instances in Texas where couples have quietly gone their one ways and no one cares. So the most important thing is to definitely learn the laws in your state.

    Texas is without a doubt the best place to be for sympathetic laws. The law is almost always on the side of the individual. It has been a blessing for me, with all of the crap I've had to endure the last few years.
  13. bobbycat

    bobbycat New Member

    I am so sorry to hear about your pain in your heart. It is difficult for others to truly understand what we face daily. Have you showed him some of the letters that have been posted on this board and others boards to help him understand the dire situation that you are in. Do you have the money to take both of you to counciling. If not take him to your DR's appointments so that he can understand the state of your overall health. I think the more information you pile on him the better. If none of that works and he continues to be unsupportive you must look for a way to live your life without him as the more he demeans and places demands on you for things you are not capable of doing the more sick you will becoume due the overall stress of the situation. STRESSSSS is big trigger to what happens to our body and the overall healing process. I wish you well and I hope that you continue to talk it out with us if that's what you need to do. I don't write alot on the board but I do participate as It is very hard for norms to understand what we truly go through. No matter how hard they try (some of them) they just really can't get it. My sister read a book about it as I asked her too and it was kind of her to take the time to do so however, once she read the book she considered herself a expert. Sometimes she decides she knows everything of what I go through and she makes stupid remarks like well those pain pills are addictive ( my reply so I will worry about that if they ever find a cure. I am not cureable) or she will say only if you would go out and get more exercise (as if I would not want to get more exercise) and some mean comments about my house cleaning (the house isn't dirty but it is not perfect either.) My husband is pretty good however, he sometimes also says mean things. When he does that I have some letters I give him that he has read but I tell him read them again because I am sick in tired of explaining myself. One thing he does is I get really cold or hot sometimes. It can be 80 out and I will be in bed under covers with the heat on. I have told him numerous times do not say anything to me if I am cold or the opposite (hot) when I have to strip all my clothes off (I don't blame him on that one he probly is tramatized on that one ha ha.) Anyway sorry for talking about me. The best thing I thing you can do is educate him, educate him and drill it in until he understands this is REAL horrible sydrome. If he can't handle your chronic illness after that I cannot see it getting better for you as it only will bring you down. Take care, Bobby
  14. jbc66

    jbc66 New Member

    and I am telling you that your lawyer in TX is pulling your leg. Every state that recognizes CL requires a designated cohabitation period along with several other factors that need to be met. I will hopefully be sitting for the Texas bar in January so I will get back to you on TX requirements ;-)
  15. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you. He is being very selfish and I don't like how he treats you or your daughter. I hope you get your SSI soon and can get out of there. You deserve to be treated with respect. I understand pushing yourself to do all you can and how hard it is. I know how it induces so much guilt too. The last thing you need is someone giving you a bad time about it. It's not your fault. We're all here for you.

  16. lsaxton65

    lsaxton65 New Member

    thank you all for your comments and advice...i even laughed at some of it. you guys can be so uplifting when i need it.

    i have alot of thinking to do, you have made me think from different points of views and i needed that so bad.

    i know so many of you have been where i am (relationship-wise) and i have even been here before, but i have never had to go through this with FM, CFS and all the other crapt i have.

    it's hard to think about what to do about a situation when it requires "thought". all you "foggy" ones know what i mean...that's why i need you to jump start me!!!!

    ((((((HUGGS))))))) to all...it means so much to me that you care:)

  17. bellydonna

    bellydonna New Member

    I don't want to cause more stress but as a survivor of childhood rape by my father I have to state that I worry about him hurting your daughter and her not telling you. She loves you, doesn't want to upset you when things are already bad etc.
    This might and hopefully is limited to me and my issues;hopefully it does not apply in your instance.

    But you described the way that he treats you and that he also mistreats her- especially when he is being worst to you, so I have to put this out there or I won't sleep.

    I realize how hard it is feels but there might be more help than you fear and leaving might be easier than staying, even now.

    all blessings for you,
    [This Message was Edited on 07/30/2008]
  18. SweetT

    SweetT New Member

    Hi Lisa,

    I am another one who has been in similar shoes to yours. I did stick it out until I had something to make it on my own. I know how dirty some men can be.

    I was just thinking that his comment about your being of no use may have just been the height of his frustration talking.

    An even greater possibility is that he is getting ridicule from friends and family. Men can succumb to peer pressure worse than teens. I believe your boyfriend is judging the relationship based on what those he associates with says.

    Either way, it's a dangerous situation, especially with a child. Yes, she's almost grown, but for now, she's still your baby and deserves to be in a safe environment and not having to walk on eggshells.

    Sending prayers and good vibes.

  19. Bunchy

    Bunchy New Member

    Ask yourself if this guy really loves you.

    It sounds like he is making life more difficult for you and not easier.

    He doesn't sound like someone who will support you properly whilst you are sick.

    I hope you can either talk things through with him and get him to be more supportive and LOVING or leave him.

    In the long run, if he is going to act like that, it won't help you to stay with him.

    Love Bunchy x
  20. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    That is all I needed to read and got the jest of it even bofore reading your whole post. However, I did read the whole post and I am so sorry for what he is putting you through hon. He just sounds like a greedy , self centered man, thinking about himself and NOT YOU !!

    Yes, I have seen almost the same thing in my daughter #3, except that she was married for 15 years and had 3 children ,one with cancer and another with learning disabilities. He never did much for her, just blamed her for everything including their some with LD's (ot was all her fault), he was spoiled (according to him) and such and didn't start to talk till he was close to 4 years old. He was very mentally abusive. They did not start early intervention and so I fear there are many problems with not to many solutions for this now 13 year old.. Sorry to be talking about my daughters problems.

    Well, she did plan the time, got a job and as soon as he finally got another car, she she left him . She is now engaged to a dear man who loves her and all the boys. So, there is hope !!

    Listen to Texangal and all those here giving you good advice sweetie. The bottow line is get out of there. I couldn't stand to stay there for one more minute but maybe it is better to wait till you get your disability, not sure. You are the same age of my daughters and I am so sorry hear about what you are going through.

    God bless you my dear and stay strong. I know that you can do it !!!

    Is there anyone you can stay with or count on at all? Just get out of there as soon as you can my dear, at whatever time you feel is the best for you. I went through alot of these posts really fast so I am not sure I remember what they all said. However, Texangal and others know what you are going through also so just hang on . You can do it and get out of there away from that greedy and abusive person.

    Lots of hugs and blessings to you,