I'm scared

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by texangal81, Jun 24, 2008.

  1. texangal81

    texangal81 New Member

    I'm losing my mental acuity. I'm deeply upset over the loss of something that is very important to me - my intelligence. I have never been a terribly active person; I don't desire to climb Mt. Everest or run a marathon. I hated PE and ballet and all aerobics did was wear me out. In looking back I wonder if I have had this DD most of my life. So the inability to row from California to Hawaii doesn't upset me.

    But losing my brains do (does? see, I can't even remember grammar anymore). I stumble and stammer over words when I speak to my customers and I sound like an idiot. My spelling is declining and the only reason my handwriting isn't atrocious is because it has always been atrocious. I graduated in the top 10% of my HS class, went back to school when I was 30 and graduated Magna Cum Laude at 37. I worked on my masters, got divorced at 40, picked up a few computer tricks and 3 years later was a highly paid Technical Support Analyst. I was given kudos and compliments from co-workers, bosses, and customers. If I didn't know how to do something I asked for a book and an hour and I would figure it out.

    I'm not bragging, I'm crying, I'm devastated. I can't do this anymore. My attention span is worse than a gnat. I can't focus on the products I'm being paid to support. When I can halfway focus, I can't retain what I'm learning. I can't concentrate to study for my latest certification tests. I was all excited about going back for my masters and that is impossible right now. I used to LOVE what I did and I was good at it. I couldn't wait to get to work and dig into customer's problems. Now it is like there is something in the way while I try to think and it won't go away.

    And if that isn't bad enough, I was having a really good day today courtesy of some darvocet when around 4:00 the Mack truck ran over me and dragged me down the hall. I had to come home and on the way home I thought "all I want to do is crawl into bed. I don't care if they fire me, I don't care what anyone does, I just have to crawl into bed". I slept for 3 hours and now I feel "normal bad' not 'Mack truck bad' (does that make sense)? As wonderful as they have been at work, I'm not sure 3 hour naps throughout the day is going to fly. I work in a "live" business.

    Anyway, I'm sorry, I started rambling. I'm literally losing the mind God gave me and I hate it, I just hate it. I want it back.
  2. Rockismom

    Rockismom New Member

    I'm sorry to hear things are not going well for you. Let me tell you that I know exactly how you feel. I could have been the one writing your post instead of reading it this evening.

    All I can say is hang in there. Fatigue and pain can really wear on us. I wish I had a good, positive answer for you. Just keep the faith and don't give up!

    Are you taking multi vitamins or B12? You might want to discuss how you are feeling with your doctor and see what kind of advice is offered by him/her. Please let me know what you find out from him/her.

  3. ladybugmandy

    ladybugmandy Member

    CFS stole my mind too, for 15 yrs. i had to drop out of school and now, at 37, cannot even handle a job as a secretary. i was valedictorian in HS and was studying civil engineering at university when i had to drop out.

    finally, 2 yrs ago, it got so bad, i decided to either fight for my mind back or end my life. i couldn't take it anymore. i didn't care about the fatigue...i couldn't go on without my brain. i had no quality of life. i couldn't read a book...couldnt learn anything....i felt like i was not dead but not alive.

    i started to research CFS again and found out a lot of new things. i am now seeing a great doctor and trying antivirals. i have an about 8% improvement so far, but i have no idea what the future holds....

    are you getting treated?

  4. willas

    willas New Member

    I used to have the same problem, between 3 & 4 every day I would crash & could barely drive home from work, it was all I could do to crawl into bed when I got home. I found, though, that by staying ahead of the fatigue really makes a HUGE difference in not only my energy & stress level & mental clarity but my pain level as well. At lunch, before I start feeling the least bit tired, I take at least a 30 minute nap, (I pull up a 2nd chair, kick off my shoes & prop up my feet, it's actually quite comfy), &, if I can't sleep, I still close my eyes & meditate or rest & listen to a cd. If it's a day that I'm the only one in the office, I turn off the lights as well. On the days that everyone's there, I use an eye mask. If I'm having a really bad day, I'll take half a pain pill before I eat lunch & use a heating pad. Since no one at work knows of my fm, I tell them that I do it for my heart health, (a recent study stated that a nap during the day cuts the risk of heart disease by 37 % - hard to argue with that). Everyone now just assumes it's part of my eccentric behavior, which is just fine with me since it allows me to perform my job at the level I need to.
    I don't know if that's an option for you but, if it is, you might consider it. When I first started napping, I would fall asleep every day & would have to rely on my alarm to wake me. Now, I fall asleep about 1/2 the time & when I do, I usually wake about 5 minutes before my alarm. It's really nice to feel rested in the afternoon & not totally stressed.
    Good luck. I hope you find something that helps.
  5. marti_zavala

    marti_zavala Member

    I have gone through the gamut of brain function. I really don't think it is permanent as I am having better cognitive function after 9 years.

    Some of the cognitive function, for me, was related to detox or having too much ammonia. Charcoal and magnesium fixed that.

    Also, anti-virals seems to really be helping my brain. I love it. I take 1000mg of acyclovir every day in 2 divided doses.

    There are supplements for brain health, Phosphtyidl serine (sp?). Gingko biloba. Anyway, I would do some research then try one at a time, starting on the weekend.

    Good luck,
    also from Texas
  6. ladybugmandy

    ladybugmandy Member

    marti is right....it isn't permanent..once you find the right treatement, which hopefully you will, your brain function will return.

    marti..may i ask how long you have had CFS? i have had it 15 yrs and the valtrex has helped my cognition only 5-8% so far...but i have been on it only 2 months.

    also, when did the acyclovir start working for you?

    if you cannot obtain valtrex, you may be able to obtain the generic version from ranbaxy labs when the patent expires in june of 2009. ranbaxy will be the 1st on the market with the generic.

    [This Message was Edited on 06/25/2008]
  7. Honora88

    Honora88 Member

    I know exactly how you are feeling. I forgot my best friends name and my roomates.

    When they gave me a memory test, they said it was only because I was so tired.

    My boyfriend used to o a lot of reiki on my head and kept getting spiking feelings which means my head really needs a lot of reiki energy to heal.

    i discovered tong ren and that helped me the best. it's drug free energy tapping. Right now I am off all my supplements due to this alternative healing. I still have hard time understanding things such as calculating back pay but im much better than I have ever been since I got sick.

    They have a lot of free calls on the phone. I find it works much better than reiki. EFT however, works better than tong ren for emotional stress. There's a lot of videos on you can see on youtube and they walk you through it.

  8. marti_zavala

    marti_zavala Member

    I was sudden viral onset in 1999. It was classic CFS only. Bedridden progessing to limited mobility by 2003.

    Exteme stress and backing off my supplements resulted in a relapse in 2003. Developed FMS, chronic pancreatitis, neuropathy, etc, etc.

    Began the acyclovir in 2005 at 1200mg per day. No herx or negative issus. Dropped down to 600mg per day - no luck. breakthrough flu, sore throat. Currently at 1000 mg day but I am thinking 1200 is better for me. My insurance won't pay for Valtrex except for 1 week at a time. So I have to take acyclovir. I am very happy with it.

    I would have probably noticed cognitive issues being better earlier but I was taking NAC as well as other supplements (for liver and stuff). These were causing too rapid detox so I was still very sick. (NAC is a poor mans' test for chlamydia pneum.)

    I got off everything this winter and started back on supplements one at a time. Waiting 3 weeks before adding the next one. boom, my brain is back (mostly).

    If I overdo (meaning getting groceries) my brain is gone again for a day or so.

    But if I stay in my chair and don't do anything (not even cook a meal) then my brain is good. My body is better too, but the anti-virals don't seem to be enough to overcome all the issues. Still working on it though. Wokring on thyroid now, adrenal issues are next.

  9. raabfmly

    raabfmly New Member

    I understand the brain fog and it doesn't seem to be permanent. It seems to come and go-sometimes it goes quicker. I can partially relate mine to IBS issues. I also take a nap every day at work - my co-workers just think I'm a lazy, unmotivated person (what ever) I have 3 teenage daughters - let them see how unmotivating that can be. Anyway, I couldn't survive without a nap - I also take about an hour nap before I start dinner. Getting rested seems to help. Getting the IBS back in line helps. Taking B12, Carnatine, Arganine have helped. Getting back on Cipro for IBS/Bladder probs. But I really never know exactly which remedy helps - or I forget next time. I take NAC off and on - what did you mean by poorman's diagnostic tool?
    Donna, KC
  10. marti_zavala

    marti_zavala Member

    NAC N-acetyl cysteine (sp?) is a great supplement, great antioxidant but it kills one of the forms of chlaymdia pneumonia. That is a good thing, except that it causes herx.

    To determine if you have chlamydia pneumonia, you can take 2400mg of NAC and if you have a reaction, most likely you have chlm. pneu. I react at 600mg NAC.

    I found this info out on another board, and was directed to www.cpnhelp.org.

  11. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    I can't remember the name of the rheumatologist I see. I need to make an appt. and I cannot recall his name. How's that for feeling like a piece of crap???? I've only seen him twice, 4 months apart, but you'd THINK, I'd know his name. I've always been known for my fantastic memory. I don't even have it written down. Nice, huh?