I'm scared

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by chula61, Apr 30, 2009.

  1. chula61

    chula61 New Member

    I've been living with FM/CFS and a list of other disorders and I'm afraid I can't hold on any more. I applied for SSD in 2004 and was denied. I applied again and am waiting for ALJ appointment. I was taken by ambulance earlier this month intential overdose, but I don't know if I can keep going, I fantasize and can see myself dangling from a rope. I take pills to make the pain go away, sometimes I can't stop taking them because its the only time I feel at peace. I was just wondering how everyone else is handling living with this life and no longer having the life you had prior to all of this. Never in a million years I ever thought that my life would be this way. Sorry to sound no negative, but just needed a friend who could understand.
  2. ladybugmandy

    ladybugmandy Member

    chula......did your illness start with an infection of some kind?
  3. Shananegans

    Shananegans New Member

    I couldn't deal with being sick all of the time either. I lost everything and took the angry route. I was very difficult to talk to or deal with because any time I was having a bad day I would lash out at anyone who tried to help me, simply because they had no idea the pain and exhaustion I felt. I'm still very angry but am dealing with it one day at a time. I just have to stop and take a breath (not to make it sound easy because it isn't) and remember that everything happens for a reason, even if we never understand that reason. I am doing much better now and am working on getting my life back but now I deal with anxiety because of the anger. So far I haven't dealt with a full blown anxiety attack yet but I know it's coming.

    I was also denied for SSD and was so angry about that, I was denied because I "was too young to stop fighting" if that isn't some BS I don't know what is. I'm so sorry you feel this way but just remember that life is always worth fighting for even if the fight is exhausting.

    Hope you get better soon!
  4. butterflydream

    butterflydream New Member

    Do you have family nearby ? Someone to help you now, you are crying out for help and you deserve to get the help needed.

    Some medications can make you feel suicidal. Your doctor needs to know all your suicidal feelings, this is very important. Their is help for you, please see a specialists very soon.

    Waiting for ALJ Hearing can be much stressful. i hope you have an attorney because you do need one. When did you apply the 2nd time ?
    When you were denied in 2004 did you not appeal the denial decision ?

    i hope you can answer some questions here, it may relieve some stress.
    You can have many friends here on this board, please don't give up !!

    Very Concerned,
    Wish you Well
  5. 3gs

    3gs New Member

    Hi Chula

    I am so sorry for how you are feeling and I so understand what u are going thru. This illness is so devasting. This past year has been my hardest by far and I do have reached the point you have.

    I just keep trying to focus my thoughts on my grandkids which is hard because Im not who they once knew. Do you have family?

    I guess lots of hope keeps me going as I too never thought this would be my life either. Lots of folks on this board have kept me going and knowing Im not the only one.

    wish I could give u more but know that I care and am sending a huge warm hug your way
    Please keep posting and talking with us jen
  6. AuntTammie

    AuntTammie New Member

    I totally understand how you feel....have been there far too many times, but no matter what I have ALWAYS wound up feeling better eventually (emotionally, I mean, not necessarily physically)...the fact that you are scared says that a big part of you does want to live and still has hope that things could get better....hang on to that hope, please....if you have someone to talk to, or even better, to stay with for awhile, that would be really great, but if you don't, a church, a counselor, or even a phone help line might be able to get you through some of this....and you should definitely let your Dr know what is going on, too....google suicide if you have to - there are some help lines listed and there is one site (I don't remember the name of it, unfortunately) that is really good at giving some suggestions and encouragement, as well
  7. outofstep

    outofstep Member

    The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. If you need help, please dial 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You will be routed to the closest possible crisis center in your area. With more than 130 crisis centers across the country, our mission is to provide immediate assistance to anyone seeking mental health services. Call for yourself, or someone you care about. Your call is free and confidential.

    If you need help, please call us

    Each month, the Lifeline Network serves over 45,000 callers who are in emotional distress. You can reach the Lifeline by dialing 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Although suicide prevention is our primary mission, people call the Lifeline for many reasons:

    Suicidal thoughts
    Information on suicide
    Economic problems
    Information on mental health/ illness
    Sexual orientation issues
    Post-disaster needs
    Homelessness issues
    Substance abuse/addiction
    Physical illness
    To help a friend or loved one
    Relationship problems
    Family problems
    Who Should Call?

    Anyone, but especially those who feel sad, hopeless, or suicidal
    Family and friends who are concerned about a loved one who may be experiencing these feelings
    Anyone interested in suicide prevention, treatment, and service referrals
    Details About the Lifeline
    The service is free and confidential
    The hotline is staffed by trained counselors
    We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
    We have information about support services that can help you
    TTY Users
    If you are a TTY user, please use our TTY number: 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
  8. Lau

    Lau New Member

    Dear Chula,
    I was very moved reading your post. We all here can relate to your feelings. There are periods where we morn for how things used to be. I think we all, in one shape or form have had these thoughts. Acknowledge your feelings of sadness, you are entitled to them, but never act on them and try to slowly move past them. Please talk to your doctor about what your going through. Your life is precious, and you don't yet know what the future holds and how much you mean to others now and in the future. We are all connected in some way. You can always come to this board and find people who will understand. You are in a crisis right now, but keep in mind that this will pass. I know how frustrating dealing with SSA is and it brings all the emotion to the top and this makes our pain even worse. (went thru this for years) Hopefully it will soon be resolved and that will make a big difference in your life. I think forcing yourself to get out of the house when you are feeling like this would help, although I know it is no small task. Try to find the beauty in little things like a bird singing, trees blowing in the wind, the kndness of a stranger. This may be our reality right now, and we have to accept it, but I am hopeful that there will soon be a better treatment for this DD and we will be able to live our lives more fully.

    Please take care of yourself - we all need each other, and I know things will ge better.
  9. sascha

    sascha Member

    we are concerned about you. take all the information you can and use what you can to pull yourself through this.

    one responder suggested anti-depressants. this may be good first step. and know that these illnesses CAUSE depression. be strongly pro-active on your own behalf and FIND HELP. there is DEFINITELY help out there. search and find.

    please post again with what's going on- very best to you- sascha *never stop the search. i think it's the helplessness we feel at times that brings us down to point of desperation. counteract that helplessness with everything you have.
  10. isiselixir

    isiselixir New Member

    thanks for sharing, thanks for your courage, i was beginning to think i was the only one who was so miserable
    i try to be positive but there is such a loss, it is so hard
    just hang in there, and not "hang" lol
    i thought i would never get well but i did get well, it only lasted for 5 months but it was enough to give me hope to move forward
    we're all here for you - please continue to open up
  11. loto

    loto Member

    get help from someone near you. Don't give up!!!! I know these are only words, and they may be hard to believe, but things will get better! I'm confident that your SSD will come through for you. Just keep thinking that, Don't, don't, don't give up. No matter how hard it gets, don't ever give up. I take meds too for my pain, and they keep me going. Do you live with family or friends? If not, get pets. They are very good therapy for all that ails you. My family and dogs and cats give me so much comfort. This may sound bad, but actually my dogs give me the most comfort.
    Please don't give up.
  12. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Obviously a lot of people here care - please come back and post.

    Please let us know what family you have and also what meds besides pain meds you are currently taking.
    When you're so low, it's hard to think rationally - that's why you must rely on and listen to others.

    I remember reading - here actually - that the pain you feel, will only be transferred tenfold to those you leave behind. Please think about that.

    If you're not on an anti-drepressant, I'd check into that - if you are, it might not be the right one. I had tried two before that made me incredibly depressed - and I mean it was terrible.

  13. kjfe

    kjfe New Member

    Many of us understand how you have been feeling. There are times when I seriously think about making everything stop because I don't think I can keep going. One thing that keeps me going is knowing how much I miss my mom every day. She died 7 years ago at the age of 82. I think of what it would do to my kids if I died. If they missed me only half as much as I miss my mother it would still be a lot of grief. Our depression might be telling us that our life doesn't matter and people will be better off without us, but that isn't true. You know truth deep down in your heart and when there is a bit of light that can get through to your soul you know that you DO matter. Sometimes that light is hard to feel. Please understand that many of us know what you are feeling when you want to make the pain stop.

    "How is everyone else handling living with this life?" We are doing the best we can. Some days we can only hang on and other days we might be able to do a little bit more. We cling to faith, hope and little bits of joy. We learn what is most important about life. We come to understand that we are strong because we endure. Other people may see us as weak, but it takes a strong person to live with this illness.

    Hold on. Reach out for help. Our depression causes us to withdraw and that often makes it worse.
  14. butterflydream

    butterflydream New Member

    We all here are very concerned about you, WE CARE .

    Hopefully you took advice outofstep posted here for you.

    National Suicide Prevention LifeLine
    1-800-273-TALK ( 8255 )

    Wish you Well

  15. debbym

    debbym New Member

    We understand how you feel. Talk to family, friends, strangers (us). Tell anyone willing to listen how bad you want your old life back. Get out of the house no matter how much you hurt. Please tell your doc about the overdose. Certain meds do cause deeper depression and hopelessness. I was sitting here crying because of how bad I hurt today. You gave me that little kick in the butt I needed to do more research again. If your doc can't get you the help you need look for a new one. Not all meds or programs work for everyone. Don't stop looking. You may never get your old life back but you can get a new one. I'm still clinging to the thought that SS will come through. I'm at the point I can't stand more than 10 min. or walk for any length of time. Positive note Walmart has riding carts. No one can imagine how great it is to go fast in a store. Sense of humor helps. I go out to eat once a week, even though I really can't afford it, because I dump all my worries on my friend over coffee and she with me. If you can't go out come here and vent all you can.
    Take care.
    Stay with us
  16. chula61

    chula61 New Member

    all for being there for me. Hearing from all of you made me feel not so alone. I'm still not well, having a very hard time sleeping, anxiety is through the roof. You are all very special people and I don't even know you, but I feel that I do know you. Unless your living the life we are living, nobody can truly understand it. Thank you all again for being here for me and for each other.
  17. Lau

    Lau New Member

    It was good to hear from you. I know this board has helped me thru some tough times, hopefully it will do the same for you. It is good to feel that there are others who understand how we feel and how overwhelming this all is.

    Keep in touch & take care,
    Hugs, Laurie
  18. butterflydream

    butterflydream New Member

    Wow, you sure had me scared, i was so worried about you !!
    As you can see you have alot of concerned friends here posting to help you.

    i will say i had tossing nights wondering if you were ok,
    Chula, Please take care of yourself. None of us (or shall i say i) don't like feeling the way i do, fibro depresses me something terribly, but i cope as well as i can. Life is Precious.

    Hopefully you can talk to your doctor soon and discuss your meds to see if changes need made. That would be a good start.

    Vent when you need to but goodness , speak before it gets way out of hand, i care.

    Wish you well