I'm Scared

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by kellbear, Feb 27, 2003.

  1. kellbear

    kellbear New Member

    I am having a bad day. I don't know what I can do and I hate the fact that I can't anticipate how I will feel tomorrow. Before all this crap started I worked 50 hours a week with no problem, was able to come home and clean, and take care of my husband. My work is my life. I have to maintain this job until my husband finishes school and finds a good job to take over the benefits. I feel like there is a lot of pressure on me. I love my job too but it is very hard to function. I just got back from 6 week medical leave due to surgery and looked great for a few days and am now falling down again. My boss is a good boss but he doesnt understand. I think everyone thought that my illness were all related to my ovaries which is why I had surgery and that when I came back, I would feel great and be able to work a ton again. Maybe I thought that too. I actually started to feel a little better by my last week off and had energy to be with my hubby at night but now that I am back to work and on a early morning routine, I am feeling bad again. I mentioned CFS to my boss and he said "Oh we all get fatigued in this business". sigh. I havent gotten my diagnosis yet but am very close. Maybe after I get the diagnosis I will have my doctor help me with some restrictions for work such as no overtime or reduced hours. But I am afraid of losing my job. I feel like such a failure and dissappointment to everyone. The really scary thing is that I have forgotten what it feels like to feel completely good.
  2. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    When we get sick with these illnesses, we convince ourselves that we can continue working and living like we did in our pre-illness days. Learning to live well with our illnesses entails making HUGE lifestyle changes. Most of us live in denial for a long time and hit bottom before finally realizing that we absolutely must make changes.

    Our illnesses can completely change our life plans. It takes a lot of adjusting on the part of our families too. The earlier we understand that we may have to leave our jobs, or at least make big adjustments in our work, the better. I worked myself into the ground and ended up not being able to work for the last 2 years. I have had to claw my way back and am hoping to be able to work, at least part time, this summer. If I had made some changes earlier, I may have been able to spare myself this horrible health and financial tragedy.

    Good luck to you.

    Love, Mikie
  3. scottabir

    scottabir New Member

    I know exactly what you are going through. My husband won't have his degree for another 3 years. I wasn't able to work anymore so we decided last year to move to MI to live with his parents until he finishes school. I feel blessed to have in-laws that are supportive of us. If it wasn't for moving in with them we would have ended up on welfare and state med ins. I wish I could give you answers but unfortunately I am still searching myself. How long until your husband graduates?

  4. kellbear

    kellbear New Member

    thanks for your kind responses. I guess I am feeling depressed. My husband was supposed to graduate a year ago. I was counting on it. I was even feeling bad back then but it was easier to muddle through it because I didnt have has much brain fog as I do now. I have ADD on top of this so it is an added stress. My husband didnt graduate and went into a depression because he couldnt figure what was wrong with me. I was cranky moody and always on his case. Now he understands and I am a LOT less moody towards him but I told him that he HAS to graduate and get a job with benefits so I can quit if I don't start feeling somewhat better. I don't work overtime anymore. So I am trying....
  5. layinglow

    layinglow New Member

    It is Scarey....I know what you mean. In the short time I have had these disorders compared to others, I have learned a few things, and am learning new things daily.

    One thing that I have learned is you will quickly (by force), learn what priorities in life are really important.
    I too, believed my work was my life. I have been forced to change that belief 360 degrees. My work can no longer be part of my life. For some, modifications can be made. The life style adjustments Mikie was referring to. For some if they don't push to pure exhaustion, and debilitate their bodies, completely, or if thankfully the course of their disorder has not hit the bottom of the pit, they can hang on to careers. There is an "if" here, though. IF they configure their career, and personal life, so as to reduce stress, over-fatigue, and take care of themselves first and foremost, they can still enjoy and partake of employment. On the other hand, if one keeps pushing beyonds the body's limits and capabilities....they will come up empty handed.
    Imagine facing each day with an imaginary jar full of marbles.....the more you dip into that jar....(work, stress, fatigue) the more your jar (body) is depleted. I assure you once that jar hits empty, and you start running on a deficit---you become bankrupt....and the sh%^*# hits the fan. No marbles...no health. With no health comes very few to no options. The trick is prioritizing....to remove less marbles, and putting your health first, doing things that add to your health, not take away.
    Please be careful not to empty your jar.
    Best wishes, LL