I'm Sitting Here Crying

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by lilaclover30, Jul 2, 2006.

  1. lilaclover30

    lilaclover30 New Member

    I have had 2 wonderful days with our 2 sons here part time. A big sesqetenial celebration has been planned for 2 years for our little town.

    We had an old time wheat cutting and binding day and then a Threasing time. It was all so much fun.

    Yesterday we had a community chicken supper, cooked by professionals. Then numeroius persons, including our 2 sons, protrayed ancesters who were a part of this area or town. Delightful.

    Today we had a several church combined church service in our lovely park. Inspirational and I loved it. That was followed by a chicken and noodle dinner in the park. I saw so many old friends and it was great. We finally went home becausee of the 93 degree heat!!! Same as the day before.

    We came home, guests went home and we took naps.
    Then it was sup-per! Then I said the wrong thing.

    my hubby blew up and yelled at me and said he couldn't cope with me!

    The tears began. we had a few words - his were yelling! This has gone on off and on for 4 yrs. It began with the beginning of TMJ and the cost he ;had to spend. (my parent inheritance to Me)

    kI have shed so many tears and it ALWAYS comes to me asking him for forgiveness.
    Why, over and over?

    I don't know what to do - shut up i guess! i have done for him and his illnesses since 1971. i have bandaged, taken him to ER over and over and I have driven the 17 mi. home at 2:30 a.m. in the dark. What else can I do!!!!!

    I am hurt through and through and he doesn't care the least.
    i guess my best bet is to be quiet~~~~~~

    Of course, the episodes have alweays happened at least once while we on great vacations ----Hawaii, FL, SC. etc. CI havwe asked that we go for counseling for yrs ---no he hates them!!! Yet within our family and small coimmunity he is perfect.

    I could go on and on but it would do no good.

    Bless your hearts for letting me vent for a while.

    Tomorrow and the 4th include more great days when daughter and great-granddaughter come.

    You are all so wonderful. I don't know what I would do without all of you

    Gentle Hugs and
    Bless you all,

    Joan
  2. UnicornK

    UnicornK New Member

    Gentle hugs to you.

    Doesn't your hubby realize that he promised to love you "in SICKNESS and in health"?

    My hubby spent today moving my computer and desk from the (HOT) den to the (cooler) dining room. This was after AM service (He's in the orchestra, so there's no sitting around for him), lunch with family....his Aunt Georgia is in town (we love her!), and then back to church. I couldn't go because I was just too tired and sore.

    Please go to counseling on your own. It WILL do you some good. It will help you to deal with a man who does not know how to deal with his wife. Please go! When he sees the new you, maybe he'll change his mind!

    In any case, here is a big (((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))) for you!

    God Bless.
  3. MsE

    MsE New Member

    I'm amazed that you accomplished so much, especially during such hot weather. I couldn't have done all that.

    Now to your problem: does it help to know I've been there? My children's father also bellyached about medical expenses for me and for the kids. He referred to them as "those unnecessary doctor bills." For instance, one of them was when I took our second child to the doctor because I suspected blood poisoning--which turned out to be the case. As far as he was concerned that was "another unnecessary doctor bill." Tough cookies!

    I divorced and eventually remarried, but once again chose poorly.
    The man was a "street angel, house devil" as you describe. Vacations became a real trial. The man could turn on a dime!

    Finally I realized the problem was within him, not me, and I began to turn a deaf ear and walk away when he went on a rant. Does this story have a happy ending? I went into counseling by myself, learned a whole big bunch about me, and eventually I divorced him, too.

    Now I am a single, but peaceful old lady of seventy-one. So, my experience makes me say, "Go into counseling for you, by yourself, to get back your power." Who knows? Perhaps he'll decide to join you.

  4. MamaR

    MamaR New Member

    I am so sorry that you are hurting. Could he be letting out his frustrations from something else on you? It isn't fair. I know that. He does need counseling to treat you better....if he doesn't see it.
    I know that it helps to come here and vent.

    A big hug for you....Mari
  5. findmind

    findmind New Member

    I read your profile and realized you must be in your late 60s or 70s, right?

    And your DH? With his medical problems, could he be having some sort of dementia?

    Sudden rage attacks, especially after such a long, busy day...maybe he gets tired or in pain and he doesn't say so, but then he lashes out unconsciously.

    If this has gone one for 4 years, I would call his dr. and ask him to send him a letter telling him to come in for a checkup, or is one coming up, by any chance?

    There are meds to help him if he needs it, I think.

    Do you have a counselor or any kind? I would let her know about this and ask her advice.

    I'm so sorry you were hurt and felt you had to be the one to apologize. We should not ever apologize for our illness or what it costs to be able to cope.

    You didn't say what it was that set him off, but that may be a clue to something that's bothering him that he needs to talk about when he's rested and willing to talk gently with you.

    As we get older we can tend to take advantage of the ones we love the most, because we need them so much and sometimes don't want to admit it.

    I hope you heal quickly from the hurt and have a chance to talk with him to try to find out what his resentments are...

    There's always hope!
    findmind
  6. JLH

    JLH New Member

    you are not at fault for anything. Your husband is.

    He is an angry, bitter man and is being emotional abusive to you! I read your bio and see that he has had several heart attacks and an amputation. I can relate to his problems as my father also was a very sick person with an amputation due to his diabetes.

    An amputation does a lot to a person's physic. He know how ill he is and now he can't get around without someone else's help. This leaves him very bitter and makes him feels less of a man. To compensate, he needs to show everyone that he is still boss of the house. That's why he is demanding and lashes out at you.

    Don't put up with his verbal abuse. The minute it starts, don't cry ... just walk away. If you can drive, calmly walk and get your keys and leave the house. Tell him you are sick of his type of behavior, you are no longer going to listen to his outbursts, and you are going for a drive and will be back when he cools down. Go out and have a cup of coffee, a cool soft drink, or an ice cream cone!!

    When you come home, tell him you are going to make an appointment for counceling for YOU, and he doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to.

    You say you do most of the work around you house. I am sure you do, as well as take care of him. You do not deserve to be treated like this.

    Have you ever talked the situation over with your children? Do they know how he treats you when they are not around? Maybe they can talk with him.?????

    Go to counceling without him. You need to learn how to stick up for yourself and not let him verbally abuse you.

    I know with his medical conditions, he has had a lot of medical bills, so why does he complain about yours??????

    If you still have any of your parents' inheritance left and it is in a joint account, I would not tell him and go draw all of it out and open a new account just in YOUR name only. This inheritance was left to YOU, so put it in your name and that way if he fusses, you will have money to pay your own medical bills. Then, if he asks about the money, tell him that if was your parents' money and they left it to you and since he was acting like such a fool over it about paying your medical bills, you thought you would just put it in a separate account so you will have YOUR money, that was left to you, available to you to pay your own bills when needed. Who cares if he gets mad?

    My hubby and I have been married nearly 35 years and have gotten along fine. We have the normal fusses, but never anything major. I would do exactly as I suggested to you. I would not suggest anything that I would not do myself!! But then, I am a very independent person and hate men who are bullies.

    I know what you mean about the public viewing him one way and then he has another personality at home. I think there are many people like that!!

    Please don't let him ruin the rest of the holiday weekend for you.

    You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

    Hugs,
    Janet
  7. kellyann

    kellyann New Member

    Hi,
    If I were you I would just ignore him, and enjoy your family. Nobody likes a sourpuss! You know you don't deserve his yelling at you!

    Go have fun and don't let him get you down! I wouldn't apologize either.



    Take Care!
    Kellyann
  8. ilovecats94

    ilovecats94 New Member

    Joan,
    I have been married for 27 years and I agree with Unicornk, that it is time for marriage counseling.

    I, also, inherited money from my parents for me. My husband never has said anything to me about this and I get an interest checks every month and just combine it in our join checking account.

    I'm fortunate that we don't have many fights about money. We don't have a lot, but I just try to lay off of him a bit because he does do all the errands and shopping, cooking, dishes, pay the bills, work full time, cut the grass, etc.

    I do the laundry, make the bed up, change the towels, put our Rx's in the drug store online and let him know when they need to be picked up and what they are.

    I balance the checkbook online and keep his Windows computer running smoothly and my 2 Macs.

    We have a good relationship, but it isn't perfect, but then people aren't perfect and I'm sure he gets upset with me for not helping more with dishes, etc.
    Anyway, sorry to rattle on. I do think you would benefit from counseling with or without your husband going along with you.

    We do have a cleaning girl who comes every other week so it is not like he has to do the cleaning.

    Sorry you are crying at the computer, but it has happened to me, mostly back when I just got FMS.

    Hang in there!

    Hugs,
    Faye
  9. Jana1

    Jana1 New Member

    Aren't we lucky that so many wonderful and wise women and men are members of this board? I read some of the answers to problems and just marvel at how compassionate and knowledgeable each person is.

    Have a good time the next couple of days. Don't let anyone take away the enjoyment you have in your family and special events!

    Hugs and caring...Jana
  10. optimistic1

    optimistic1 New Member

    I am very sorry for what you are going through. Your constant apologizing for things that are not your fault is not good for you or your illness. Each time you do, you feel smaller, and for no good reason. I have been in your shoes.

    I feel that findmind has given you the best advice. Perhaps if you check with your husband's Doctor and tell him confidentially about his behavior this may call for a change in his medication. What we take can have a really strong effect on how we think and what we do. This is so true.

    Then, if you find this not to be the case, please be firmer with him. You mustn't let let him mistreat you. You don't deserve this for any reason. Your change in behavior will probably shock him and he just might start to behave better.

    I hope you have a wonderful time in the next 2 days with your daughter and your Great-grandaughter. These are such wonderful family times. If you feel like it, and I realize it might be difficult, you might confide in your daughter and perhaps she can be of some help to you.

    Many blessings to you, and try to stay positive,

    Love,

    Arlene
  11. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Go by yourself. You need help in coping with this. If he has the ability to be nice to everyone else and then blows up at you, it isn't his health at fault. He is being emotionally abusive.

    This kind of stress is the worst thing for your health. Therapy should be able to help you. Only you can decide if you are better off with him or without him.

    Good luck.

    Love, Mikie
  12. CockatooMom

    CockatooMom New Member

    I am SO SORRY you are being treated this way! You do NOT deserve that.

    I was reading a few replies to your post. I agree that you may want to get counseling for yourself. I do it, and my counsler is able to give me ideas on how to handle things with my hubby when they arise. (Like telling me to roll out of the car last weekend, incident)

    I'm sure your DH is feeling inadequate with having an amputation. He is taking it out on the person he loves the most, YOU.

    He put's on a "show" for everyone else, but can be himself with you. But, when when it starts to hurt you, you need to set new boundaries.

    I like the idea of taking your power back, walking away from the situation till he cools down. Explain that you understand he has anger and frustration, but that he needs to find another way to let it out, because he could destroy your relationship.

    I also agree with taking YOUR inheritance $$ and putting in your own account. My dad always thought going to the doctor was unnecessary and a waste of money. (My dad is 72)

    Anyway, I hope you are able to enjoy the next few days. My thoughts will be with you.

    Love and hugs,
    C-mom

  13. patches25

    patches25 New Member

    If you don't want to spend money on counseling yet, go to Battered Persons Support Group meetings. The counselors were really great when I went. I spent 1 1/2 years going to meetings before my divorce. I learned many things about emotionally caring for myself, as well as the practical side of preparing for divorce should it go that way. You do have options.

    I have a feeling he needs you more than you need him. But it is good to be prepared in case you need to get out quickly. I think 29 years of walking on eggshells was long enough for me. I am ok----except for this disease of course. Hugs to you. E.
  14. mme_curie68

    mme_curie68 New Member

    I have been in your shoes. You couldn't PAY me to go back.

    Check for Co-Dependents Anonymous meetings (CODA) in your area. They follow the twelve step model and will help you to learn how to detach.

    If he was a drinker, I would suggest Al-Anon for you.

    That kind of passive-agressive emotional abuse is something that no one should have to go through. Much less suffer for years on end.

    Go for counseling for yourself - if he wants to be miserable, let him, why should you suffer any more than you already have to?

    Hugs,
    Madame Curie