I'm so down lately...need to vent

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Oceandreams, May 9, 2006.

  1. Oceandreams

    Oceandreams New Member


    Hi, I used to post on this message board a lot like a year ago, but I stopped. I've been doing fine in the last year, had my ups and downs of course. But lately, esp. the last couple weeks, I'm just so depressed all the time. I'm not really sure if I have depression or not...some of it is circumstancial, but so much of it seems to be just out of nowhere. Wanting to cry for no reason, wanting to just dissapear, or sleep for 5 years. I dont' know, I just wish I was somebody else.

    I think I do a pretty good job of hiding it, but I don't know, its just always still THERE. I can't even describe it. It's weird because the weather is getting nice again, warm and sunny, and it just seems so srange to me that I can't stop constantly worrying, and just be happy.

    Some things are going so great for me, like I got accepted to the U of Colorado, and am moving there this august. I can't wait! Also since I was FINALLY able to file for financial aid as an independent, I'm getting a bunch of grants and stuff!!

    So I have a lot to look forward too. But I can't stop worrying and the present seems so unbearable lately. I'm all worried that I'll screw everyting up somehow. I don't have an apartment yet, I've applied to several but I'm afraid I wont get any of them.

    And I've been out of work for almost FIVE months! This is getting RIDICULOUS!!!!!!!!!! I had the same job for a long time, but when I graduated from my community college I had to give up my job because it was for students only. And I was ready to move on to a new job anyway, even though I liked it.

    But...I've applied to like 50 jobs, had a few interviews, and nobody will hire me!!!! I don't understand why! I have good work experience, good references, and I interview well. I dress conservatively and have good answers ready for their questions. But nope...nothing!
    I've even given up on trying to find a good office job...I've been applying for the crap 6 bucks an hour jobs. And I still haven't gotten one! I've had two interviews, one at the gap, one at a movie theatre, and neither one hired me!!!!!!!

    I live with my parents again. Is there anything more pathetic than a 23 year old living with mommy and daddy? I'm so ashamed of how stupid my life is right now. It doesn't matter than I'm moving to CO in August, that doesn't make the present any less pathetic. I'm 23, I have no job, and I live with my parents. Thats just sad.

    And my weight. I had eating disorders in the past, when I was a teenager, and I stopped starving myself and throwing up years and years ago. Although I never got help for it, I got over it on my own.
    Except I guess I didn't. My problem is that I'm obsessed with food, regardless. I put on a lot of weight in the last couple years. I'm only 5'6, and I found out about a month ago that I weighed 170.
    SO....I starting getting REALLY strict with myself about dieting. So far I've lost 8 pounds. But...since losing the 8 pounds...nothing seems to be happening. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY! I barely eat anything! I eat like, fruit or outmeal for breakfast, maybe something low-cal for lunch, maybe not, and than chicken for dinner. But I'm not losing!!!

    I'm just so frustrated with it. I'm still 22 pounds away from where I want to be, and I want to lose it all soon, but it's taking SO long.
    If I cheat...I'm not gonna lie, I will be tempted to throw up. I hope I don't, I don't think I will. But I don't know. So I guess I'd just better not cheat huh? I havne't been....

    arghhh I just feel like such a loser. I'm chubby, unemployed, its just aghghhhhh!!!!!!! Food is the only thing that I feel I can control right now, and I AM controlling it...but it's not working.

    I've also had the urge to cut lately, which I haven't done in two years, and I am DEFINATELY not going to do that. No way. Not going there again. But the thought keeps going through my head every time I get stressed or embarrassed by something.

    and relationships....well hell, I barely ever have any. I'll go through a bunch of months where I have a bunch of flings, and than a bunch of months where I do nothing.
    I guess I don't want a relationship right now anyway, its not a good time, but I would like to date more I guess. I haven't had sex in like 4 months.

    And I keep sorta avoiding my friends. Not really, I went out twice last weekend. But like right now, I'm on my IM as "invisible" because I don't wanna talk to anybody. I keep getting all anti-social like that.

    I dunno how to describe this even. I'm just so angry at everything, mostly at myself though. I miss my baby, my cat who died this last october. I had him since I was 5, and there's just nothing to fill that void, I love him so much. If anyone is about to suggest I get a new pet, DON'T.

    In July I'm going to be 24. That is scary! I can't believe my early 20's are almost halfway over! I thought I'd be so much more succesfull by now. Its like, what the hell have I been doing with my life???!!!!

    I'm just...frustrated. With everyone and everything. K I'm done, thanx for listening!!
  2. sherri_baby

    sherri_baby New Member

    I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Just remember how tough it was to get through the first two years of college and be proud of yourself for that and the fact that you are still reaching for a better education and a great career someday.

    I know jobs are very hard to come by. I have pounded the concrete a lot looking for work and I know it is tough. Thank goodness you have your parents to help you out right now, they must love you so much.

    Try not to let things stess you. God has a plan for you but sometimes it just takes time for it to reveal itself to you. Be patient and keep trying. I hope this helps a little and I hope you are feeling better very soon.

    (((hugs)))
    Sherri
  3. kriket

    kriket New Member



    HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS

    I am a worry wart too. I worry about every little thing so much that I cannot have a moment of peace in my mind. It is very depressing. Sounds like you have a lot going for you, but I know, worrying can put a huge damper on things. Hope you can relax some and not worry so much. Yea right?!!


    Kriket
  4. Lolalee

    Lolalee New Member

    I hope you feel better after having that good rant. It sometimes is what we need to do to get our feelings out and see what is really bothering us. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

    As far as your weight goes, I can relate. I'm only 5'2" and weigh 170 lbs. Now that was a shock!!! I have gained weight the past year because I've been so ill that I haven't had an appetite so I've hardly been eating. You'd think I would be skinny. But, I have learned that our bodies are very intelligent and they need food constantly to keep the metabolism active. If we don't eat, the body holds on to every little bit of fat for energy because the body senses that it is going into "starvation-mode".

    It is hard to grasp this concept,especially if you've had an eating disorder. But, we must force ourselves to eat a little every 3 hours. Others have given good advice on this post. Remember, small portions, healthy food, every 3 hours and lots of pure water.

    I hope you can look at your accomplishments in spite of your illness. And, you have had to deal with a lot of stress and grief. Be kind to yourself.

    I've also learned that my body believes whatever I tell it. So, if I say "I'm fat"...guess what? I'm watching my words and it's helping in all areas of my life.

    Bless you,

    Lolalee
  5. Oceandreams

    Oceandreams New Member


    I really appreciate it. Just knowing you all clicked the "reply" button and wrote stuff to me seriously helps and makes me feel less alone, I'm not kidding.

    I feel way better right now, although that may be alcohol speaking, who knows. But I watched the season finale of the best show on TV right now (Veronica Mars...any other VMars fans out there? Wasn't it AWSOME? lol) and than a couple friends called me up.
    So I went out, had drinks, beat everybody at pool (which is crazy cause I SUCK at pool) lol now I"m home again and I feel SO relaxed.

    I dunno...sometimes when I drink, I feel worse, but sometimes, esp. when I drink with friends, I feel so much better. Actually it's probably not the alcohol that is making me feel better, its being with friends that did it.:)

    I think I need to rely on my friends more when I"m down. Just pick up the phone and CALL THEM. I always feel releif afterwards, even if I just talk to someone about random crap for a half hour

    Anyway I'm about to go to sleep, thanx again for replying
    ~Peace`
  6. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    you should pat yourself on the back and hold your chin up really really high...

    my good friend from high school went to colorado state and loved the school and the men...my son's gf's sister is currently a sophmore there herself...

    as far as thinking you are pathetic for living /your parents at your age of 23...forget that...you are going to college they will be so proud of you when you finish and so will we here!

    you what a laugh...my ex-bf live w/his mother and you know how old he is? gong to be 44 yrs old june 15th...that is pathetic...

    he lives there because it's cheap, he has a built in maid and cook...occasisionally he would mow the lawn...he is an alcoholic and smoked pot...last i knew...i am so much better off w/o him...he was great when not drunk...but no verbally nice when he got verbally messed up in the head...

    i only wished him the best and treatment...

    so don't knock yourself down...you are moving on to better yourself...

    have you tried getting a job in a bar cocktailing or barbacking? certain places tip well...

    keep going you are doing fine...

    jodie
  7. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    have depression (the disease) or is it disappointment about not getting a job, anxiety about moving, etc.? Time will tell, I guess.

    My newphew started college four years ago. I took a poll of the office re: success in college. Almost everybody said the same thing. Let me pass it along to you. You need a schedule. If you have classes in the morning and socalize in the afternoon, you need to study at night. If you study in the afternoon, you can socalize at night. Not complicated, but it seems to work.

    By the way, I am a Norskie myself. Went to college in ST. Paul and worked for some years for Hennepin County. (Now in Los Angeles.)

    Good luck and ha det bra.

  8. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    Oceandreams:

    First of all: no cutting, throwing up or stopping eating.

    Secondly: I would suggest you do get some professional help (I am sorry, but I felt I should say it since you were venting with so much sorrow).

    Third: You are not 'pathetic' for living with your parents at the age of 23. Good parenting does not stop at 18: I believe it is a life long thing.

    Fourth: Why not rejoin the board. It might be a good outlet to vent and share what you are going through with the FM and/or CFS.

    Fifth: If you put in 'something like 50' applications why not go to some of them and be assertive in trying to push your way in through the door. It might help.

    Sixth: You are going to a fine school. You have excelled in your work and are advancing your education which is such a wonderful thing.

    Lastly: You have much on your plate right now. I would just tackle one thing at a time (if possible, I know it might not be that easy).

    I am rooting for you to WIN. I will send up some prayers for you. Best of luck. I did not mean to sound mean or anything. You needed feedback on your venting and it was the best thing you could do to start.

    Big hugs,
    nyrofan