Hi, I used to post on this message board a lot like a year ago, but I stopped. I've been doing fine in the last year, had my ups and downs of course. But lately, esp. the last couple weeks, I'm just so depressed all the time. I'm not really sure if I have depression or not...some of it is circumstancial, but so much of it seems to be just out of nowhere. Wanting to cry for no reason, wanting to just dissapear, or sleep for 5 years. I dont' know, I just wish I was somebody else. I think I do a pretty good job of hiding it, but I don't know, its just always still THERE. I can't even describe it. It's weird because the weather is getting nice again, warm and sunny, and it just seems so srange to me that I can't stop constantly worrying, and just be happy. Some things are going so great for me, like I got accepted to the U of Colorado, and am moving there this august. I can't wait! Also since I was FINALLY able to file for financial aid as an independent, I'm getting a bunch of grants and stuff!! So I have a lot to look forward too. But I can't stop worrying and the present seems so unbearable lately. I'm all worried that I'll screw everyting up somehow. I don't have an apartment yet, I've applied to several but I'm afraid I wont get any of them. And I've been out of work for almost FIVE months! This is getting RIDICULOUS!!!!!!!!!! I had the same job for a long time, but when I graduated from my community college I had to give up my job because it was for students only. And I was ready to move on to a new job anyway, even though I liked it. But...I've applied to like 50 jobs, had a few interviews, and nobody will hire me!!!! I don't understand why! I have good work experience, good references, and I interview well. I dress conservatively and have good answers ready for their questions. But nope...nothing! I've even given up on trying to find a good office job...I've been applying for the crap 6 bucks an hour jobs. And I still haven't gotten one! I've had two interviews, one at the gap, one at a movie theatre, and neither one hired me!!!!!!! I live with my parents again. Is there anything more pathetic than a 23 year old living with mommy and daddy? I'm so ashamed of how stupid my life is right now. It doesn't matter than I'm moving to CO in August, that doesn't make the present any less pathetic. I'm 23, I have no job, and I live with my parents. Thats just sad. And my weight. I had eating disorders in the past, when I was a teenager, and I stopped starving myself and throwing up years and years ago. Although I never got help for it, I got over it on my own. Except I guess I didn't. My problem is that I'm obsessed with food, regardless. I put on a lot of weight in the last couple years. I'm only 5'6, and I found out about a month ago that I weighed 170. SO....I starting getting REALLY strict with myself about dieting. So far I've lost 8 pounds. But...since losing the 8 pounds...nothing seems to be happening. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY! I barely eat anything! I eat like, fruit or outmeal for breakfast, maybe something low-cal for lunch, maybe not, and than chicken for dinner. But I'm not losing!!! I'm just so frustrated with it. I'm still 22 pounds away from where I want to be, and I want to lose it all soon, but it's taking SO long. If I cheat...I'm not gonna lie, I will be tempted to throw up. I hope I don't, I don't think I will. But I don't know. So I guess I'd just better not cheat huh? I havne't been.... arghhh I just feel like such a loser. I'm chubby, unemployed, its just aghghhhhh!!!!!!! Food is the only thing that I feel I can control right now, and I AM controlling it...but it's not working. I've also had the urge to cut lately, which I haven't done in two years, and I am DEFINATELY not going to do that. No way. Not going there again. But the thought keeps going through my head every time I get stressed or embarrassed by something. and relationships....well hell, I barely ever have any. I'll go through a bunch of months where I have a bunch of flings, and than a bunch of months where I do nothing. I guess I don't want a relationship right now anyway, its not a good time, but I would like to date more I guess. I haven't had sex in like 4 months. And I keep sorta avoiding my friends. Not really, I went out twice last weekend. But like right now, I'm on my IM as "invisible" because I don't wanna talk to anybody. I keep getting all anti-social like that. I dunno how to describe this even. I'm just so angry at everything, mostly at myself though. I miss my baby, my cat who died this last october. I had him since I was 5, and there's just nothing to fill that void, I love him so much. If anyone is about to suggest I get a new pet, DON'T. In July I'm going to be 24. That is scary! I can't believe my early 20's are almost halfway over! I thought I'd be so much more succesfull by now. Its like, what the hell have I been doing with my life???!!!! I'm just...frustrated. With everyone and everything. K I'm done, thanx for listening!!