Important revelation that some may need to read, some not

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by risinforce, Dec 6, 2005.

  1. risinforce

    risinforce New Member

    I've had a extremely rough few days, make that weeks, or make that months lately. These last few days have been somewhat of a revelation for me. Quite an eye opener by those who truly love me that I have put a wall around myself from. Be aware of this wall as it keeps your true family and friends from helping!

    Like I said in the title, some may care to read this, some may not, it's your decision but it certainly has been an eye opener for me and a truth that I feel I'm probably, no make that I'd bet $100 bucks I'm not the only one who struggles with this if we were true with themselves. I have had Fibro for almost 3 years now and I still deny it inside myself almost daily. At least internally I do.

    Oh I tell people about it if they wonder why I look tired or walk funny etc. I just say I have a chronic pain illness etc. No pitty pot, just a brief explanation because quite frankly they would never get it. The look on their faces says it all. I'm sure you all understand.

    This illness has distroyed my marriage which I charished. I frankly still love my ex but he just doesn't have it in him to take care of me. i struggle daily w/that. I have a "best friend/boyfriend" that has 5 herniated discs and is wonderful and is the most honest person I know.

    Anyway to the point, can you say depressed! I have been unable to except the fact that I have this illness and this pain. So what I do is, take more meds than I'm supposed to so I can feel like a normal person. That means if I need to get things done at work (like lately, working 10 to 11 hr days) I double up, or if I need to go out and watch my beautiful little boy ride his quad in the desert which is painful for me, I double up and pretend I'm normal. It's worth the sacrafice is how I justified it in my mind. Just one day of normal is worth the extra meds. Any reason that arises that requires me to not have pain and I double up my dosage. Thanksgiving, double up. Christmas is coming, lots of stops to make, double up.

    Well one extra turns to two then three. next thing I know I'm out and it's too early and the doc wont refill them cause she's already done this the month prior. Not a stupid doctor, actually did me a favor. So here I am detoxing and in excruciating pain.

    At the bottom of all of this lies the the truth and it's not an addiction. It's the fact that I'm depressed, supressing the fact that I've got this illness, not excepting that I'm not the same person I used to be. Not realizing that it's just as easy to smile through pain as it is to cry through it (thank's mom for that one). Not realizing that I need to begin to function w/the pain at a tolerable level. I'm really good at tricking myself and those around me. An Addicts attitude which is scarry. I need to understand that some pain is what I'm going to have to live with. I actually fear pain. That's the god's truth. I fear mornings, how bad will the pain be?

    I've had to Detox before and the thought of that alone is frightning. My meds consist of MS Oxycontin and Percocet as a breakthrough. I take 2 MS Oxycontin a day and 4 percocet a day for breakthrough. Not only do I have FMS I also have a Herniated disc at my L5/S4 that is also slipped, meaning it isn't stacked on top of itself. The syiatic pain is daily and triggers up my FMS and visversa.

    I see a orthopedic doc for epiderals 4 times a year. have done some Physical therapy but that's about it for the back. One of those deals that I have to deal with. I Never have a moment w/out pain, never. My pain meds are insufficient for my pain level but that's because I've been treated by my family doc and she is limited to what she can give me. Hopefully tomorrow I'll see some results.

    Just for the record, the pain doc I'm seeing tomorrow is one I've seen before who took me on a scale of 1-10 of health from a 0 to a 6. She treats body and soul, we meditate, build up stresses, destroy them w/our mind etc. Awesome. She loves you, understands, it's like she has FMS. Amazing. I'm extatic. My BF is paying Cash for the visit because she's not on my insurance. I am going to tell her everything I've written in this post.

    I could never hurt myself but have asked god to take me out of this world (more than once). How could I do that w/my 6 yr old little boy around? He is inlove w/me.
    for a christian, that is not a good thing. I just can't take the pain anymore and sometimes I just don't feel "he" is w/me. It feels like the enemy is wiping the floor w/me.

    So the reason for this post is to hopefully reach anyone who struggles the same struggle I do. I'm sure I cannot be the only person in denial. What am I going to do about it, you may ask? Seek group counceling. There is a fabulous Fibro group session here in Reno and I plan to go 2ce a week plus individual couceling. As well as when my son is w/his dad I will no longer stay in my apt alone crying. I'm going to go home to mom and dad where they wont let me be sad.

    I am depressed and I am proud to admit it finally. Trust me, much longer and I don't know what would have happened. My boyfriend was to the point of calling my doctor about me, that's how scarey it was.

    Don't put up the wall, not letting anyone in, even those of us on the board. My mom told me that I've had a wall around me for the last year and they don't even know how to act around me. I see her every day! She said she feels Quilty for feeling good! These people loves us even though we might not always get along w/them (trust me my mom and I go at it all the time!!! LOL)

    Someone tell me how I can put my email on this board so I can help too! I would love to have someone who is in the same boat as myself to talk to via email of phone!

    hugs to all and I mean it. I feel saved,
    Shawn
  2. sunshine8957

    sunshine8957 New Member

    I have been through hell and back!

    Why don't you put a time in your post, letting people know when you will be in the Chatroom and from there you will see on the lower part of your screen where you can enter into private chat and I believe it's o.k. at that point to share your email address - but don't hold me on that, you may want to re-read the rules.

    I know why they don't want us putting our email addresses on a Post because of all nuts out there, who are looking for their next "Virus" Victim.

    God Bless you - I am so glad you are feeling better mentally - and p.s. - I was the queen of denial with this dd! It's very hard to accept!

    Hugs,
    Eve
  3. Goldyfm

    Goldyfm New Member

    I appreciate your honesty in describing your way of coping to function outside the home for your family and friends. I know it took a lot of courage to admit that you would do whatever it took to be there for someone else despite the damage that you might have caused yourself. I know how much pleasure, yes I said pleasure, I got from working throughout the years, but now I am not able to function outside my home anymore. I miss that interaction, I miss the challenge of a position, I miss the personal satisfaction of providing a service to others, I miss the belonging to a group and the monetary rewards as well. It is hard to be still young enough to prepare for your retirement but unable to function and stay in the workforce to make those golden years a little easier. I worry about who will have to look after me when I cannot do at all for myself. I have just about become a recluse as it is now. I worry too that my pain will just keep intensifying as has been the case for me over the last year. I worry that eventually I will end up homeless and penniless for trying yet another doctor or prescription. I have not slept a normal night's sleep in over 10 years. I wonder what else is going to happen to my body as it seems that every day is some new ache or pain. It is no wonder that I am depressed. I have chronic IBS as well and the dealing with the multiple bathroom visits a day and the accompanying pain, bloat and the fibromyalgia is sometimes more than I can handle on a good day, much less those days that the FM is really kicking up. I understand your feeling the way you do. I cannot take the typical FM drugs due to the GI problems and Tylenol just doesn't cut it anymore. I have tried multiple pain meds and have allergic reactions to most commomly given pain meds. I even had a Neurosurgeon send me home after a cervical disc repair with dilaudid because I could not take anything else for pain. I worry what will happen when the pain gets so bad that I just can't stand it anymore. I too have prayed I would go to sleep and just simply never wake up again, just to end the pain. Why would anyone not be depressed? My life as it used to be is gone and I see no hope of a resurrection. I know this was the plan for me, in some way, this is my life now and I have to acccept it for what it is now.

    I appreciate your honesty about medicating so you can continue to function. I wish I had some medication that would work for me. I too wish I could let down my wall, but it is so tall now with the IBS problems that I am terrified to mingle with other people for fear of embarrassing situations. I found it is better for me to just try to enjoy my solitude and my dog. At least I don't put added anxiety or stress on myself anymore. I am tired of going without eating to hold a job or go to the store or do anything outside my home. I cannot tell you how many times I have lied to avoid luncheons or parties or any gathering that was food related or any activity involving walking related as I tire so easily now.

    Thanks for sharing your story, and I think it is normal to grieve for those parts of ourselves we have lost due to illness and loss of contact that we once enjoyed. Take care.
  4. kch64

    kch64 New Member


    Thanks for posting. My sincere thoughts of comfort, hope and healing are with you.

    I know you take meds, have you tried acupuncture?

    It may not take away all of your pain, but it may lessen it for you.

    You're in my prayers.

    Kendra
  5. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    I found out through the years...when I helped those that needed me.....that the truest gift is when you let others help you.

    When I realized this I was a shamed of the many times I shut others out, because I could do it myself! We do not want to burden anyone else! Yet they miss out on feeling good that they can help us!

    It helps when you share your problem with others, but for information so they understand and not for a pity party. Let them know that it is for them to understand and for you to be able to vent some. It opens communications. Just do not make all of your conversations about your aches and pains. Be as upbeat as you can be and get back to "normal"
    things to talk of.

    So this is the gift to give this yea....let others in and if they want to help....let them here and there.
  6. trinity3

    trinity3 New Member

    i read your post and as everyone else want to thank you for your honesty... i have done the very same thing and still do it... i am a registered nurse...i have a wonderful career that i am losing... so i have settled for working one day a week...and to get through it, i have to double up my pain meds.....

    just last week, my fiance and i moved into a new townhouse... the move practically killed me, i didnt want to sit there and feel useless, so i doubled up on my meds and helped with the packing and unpacking and moving as much as i could...


    i just a few days ago had this same talk with my doctor... i told her that the vicodin every 4-6 hours wasnt cutting it...not for me trying to live a somewhat normal life... and that is where the problem lies... i cant have a normal life... and i have already given up so much already....i have lost so many friends, and it has disrupted my relationships with so many of my family members.... i have lost jobs and now face maybe not being able to work at all....

    i am not addicted to my pain pills.... they dont make me 'high' they never have... i have been reluctant to go on the longer acting 12 hour pain meds due to the fact that i know they will make me feel 'high' or unable to focus, and the thing i like about the vicodin is that i can take them, and they take away the pain, but i can still function and focus....

    i just want a life... like everyone else does... sometimes i double up on my meds, yes, and the doctors have gotten angry with me... but it isnt about being addicted... it is about knowing that taking extra is the only way i can get through some of the things i need/want to do with my life....

    and yes, i am depressed... but an antidepressant is not going to help... i am not chemically imbalanced... i am depressed because of this situation... the limitations and the losses....

    i am going to a pain management doctor in a couple of weeks who maybe can help me find a happy medium... I DONT WANT TO BE HIGH ALL DAY, I WANT TO BE PAIN FREE ENOUGH TO FUNCTION AND HAVE A LIFE WITH MY FIANCE AND MY FAMILY AND MY CAREER......

    i think that this is a problem alot of us face... we dont want to accept the limitations... dont want to accept another loss... so we push ourselves too hard and/or take our meds other than they are prescribed to get through our day....

    i am fighting this... i am actually crying now as i type....i just want a life back... and when the pain is taken away it feels like i can have one... but pain pills wear off... and the pain always comes back... i am trying to allow my wonderful fiance to help me accept my limitations and my illness.... he loves me and tries his very best to take care of me... and remind me that i am not useless...

    good luck to you shawn...
    gina
  7. Suzan

    Suzan New Member

    Your letter really hit me this morning...You sound like you feel the same way I do about taking pain meds. I , too, use vicoden to help get thru the days...and sometimes I need to take a second to just be able to manage...And even then, I cannot do all the things I used to do without thinking. I don't want to take any of this stuff..I just want to have some normalcy!

    Just my last doctor visit..I had him ..or convinced him..to change the scrip to say one or TWO at a time as needed for pain. That way if I run out...I am covered a bit better as far as Insurance etc goes. He sees I am not a drug seeker...just a woman with fibro! But it did take a while to develop that trust..which is too bad...but so it goes.

    It was just nice to read someone who typed how I feel, Gina..thanks!
  8. Zzzsharn

    Zzzsharn New Member

    I'm glad you realized that there is no shame in being depressed.

    I'm sure many of us struggle with accepting what our fate is. I think the biggest question I deal with in my head is, WHAT exactly is in store for me? I hate this pain, it makes me feel lifeless and useless and lazy and fat and ugly. I could have a pity party everyday for myself, and frankly, sometimes I do.

    I have 2 small children- a 9 yr old and a 5 yr old, it breaks my heart to tell them "no" I can't go for a walk or now that it's getting snowy, that I can't go sled riding or build a snowman.. I can't do a lot of things that normal 36 yr olds can do AND IT SUCKS.. YES! I feel sorry for myself, Yes! I often feel like I'd rather be dead than trapped in a broken body.

    It scares me to think what the next 20 or 30 years have in store for me. More pain, less mobility, more tears, more meds. And how long can my body keep tolerating all these pills I pop. When is my stomach linning going to fall to shreds, when is my liver going to go.. ahhhh, yeah, I've had enough..kahput.. Who's going to take care of me? Who's going to pull my fat @ss out of the bathtub? Who's going to help me snap my bra?

    It's morbid and it's depressing and it just plain sucks..It's okay to say it, because it's true.

    I am usually able to snap myself out of the funk by reminding myself that there are people worse off than I am. But, I have to admit that sometimes I just don't care. I want MY pain to stop, I want MY life back, I want my kids to have their real Mom, not this washed up haggered, baggy eyed, blob that they call Mom.

    I'm sure that it doesn't make you feel any better, but you are not alone.. Your feelings of quiet desperation are shared...

    Sharon

    I firmly believe there is something greater waiting for all of us who suffer.
  9. unbalanced

    unbalanced New Member

    One of the most difficult things any of us will have to do is accept our pain & suffering as Gods will. I am another who takes extra doses just to be a part of everyday life. Last night my little girl & little boy had their Christmas program at school, I had to take extra so I could sit & enjoy all the childrens beautiful voices, I would never have been able to sit for that period of time (over an hour) without doing that. And I certainly did not want sensory overload!! I just went through 4 days of no pain relief, it is so horrible, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone!! I know I will go through it again, but now I have asked my hubby to help monitor my meds. He gives ma a certain amount to last me, if I run out before he gives me more then I have to cope & wait until he gives me more. I suggested doing this so I am not going 4 days or longer with nothing, 1-2 days is easier. It all sounds so crazy, it really isn't an addiction issue. It's the feeling of being unable to do the things with your kid's or friends & family, my life has been taken from me, I was once a very active person & now I'm not & that is very, very hard to accept!! I am working on accepting Gods will, there must be a reason we all are going through this, I believe there is a reason for everything. I am not very good at smiling through the pain, I get irritable, don't want to have anyone around, I won't even answer the phone when I am in so much pain. It's all very sad, heartbreaking, I pray to the good Lord to ease my pain at least make it more tolerable, give me the strength to cope better, a strong mind & positive attitude, I become angry I push my loved ones away, I throw that brick wall up & nobody can get through it!! My dear hubby gets so annoyed with me, but at the same time he understands why I feel the way I do. He has held my hand through all of this, I have so much guilt for having to depend on him to do little things that I should be doing. He works 3rd shift, the other day I couldn't even move to pick my kids up from school, it was painful to even walk through the house to use the restroom, my little girl gets out of school at 11:30am he slept an hour & I had to wake him to pick her up, then at 3:20pm my son gets out of school, I had to wake him again to pick him up. I felt so horrible I cried, the guilt is as unbearable as the pain at times. This poor man works his tail off & here I am not doing anything on some days, he is good to me, I am very blessed & lucky to have a hubby who goes that extra mile for me, I often cry for him & my children, it kills me to see them have to be without 100% of me. I truly understand what you are going through & I pray that all of us will one day be able to have our lives back that we crave for. Happy Holidays to all, I hope we can have a tolerable Holiday Season!!