In a depression rut

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Sunshyne1027, Jul 11, 2003.

  1. Sunshyne1027

    Sunshyne1027 New Member

    I have been depressed for a week now. I havnt a desire to do much of anything. I feel like I have just lost hope. I know it will pass, but when in a mood like I am in right now, I just don't care about anything. Had three job interviews I could've went to this past week, but didn't, was too depressed to go. Been haveing alot of storms where we live and no sunshine at all, I am wondering if that could be a part of the depression. Lack of sleep too, been staying up late to almost 4 in the morning, then waking up past noon the next day, dragging my butt. I been crying at times, when thinking of all I have lost because of the Fibro. I know its not good to thing on that, its better to look at what you have now in the present, but honestly I do not feel like I have much at all.

    Honestly--Suicide thoughts have crossed my mind. Taking all my pills at once, thinking it would put myself and my family out of misery.

    I feel like a cripple, like I of no use to anyone around me, or to myself. I feel like what is there to live for? waking in pain day in and day out. I know there are ways to get better, but honestly, I feel like I have given up, I don't feel like going after the treatments to feel better. Tired, tired of it all.

  2. bamboo

    bamboo New Member

    you've been on this board making posts and so you are reaching out re. your depression - excellent. i am really, really sorry that you are having such a rough time right now. please accept a big online hug!!!!!
    if you are taking flexeril, you may have noticed that other posts have stated that it can make depression worse, so that's something to possibly look at. like many of us here, i have bouts of depression. i am on medication to treat clinical depression, so i can so relate to your description of wanting to give up and not having motivation to do anything. it's just the worst feeling in the world. having had to go through it time and again, what i've discovered is that it is hard to see the forest for the trees when i'm in that space, but, believe me, there is help! i have a formula worked out for myself: (1) i make myself tell at least one other person how i feel. (2) i make myself call the professional who writes my med prescriptions and say that i am needing more help and make an appt. immediately to get that help. (3) if there's anyway possible, even though i'm also in physical pain, i make myself stretch at least a bit, take a short walk - something physical. (4) i pull out a piece of paper and just start writing, with a goal of finding my anger, my grief and whatever else is going on and write and cry and yell or whatever starts moving those emotions. (5) if i can't move past any suicidal feelings after these steps, i can call the mental health crisis line and ask for help to move me out of that space. i've been through this enough times that i know that i need a formula because the depression obliterates the motivation i need to come from within to take action and leaves me feeling exhausted and causes sleep deprivation. whatever you do, don't give up, no matter how you are feeling right now. there is a whole community here that cares and so many of us know hardship in one form or another. regardless of the cause or causes for your depression, the depression itself is treatable. it's been my experience that once i target the depression, i have more inner resources to deal with life's challenges. i am glad that you realize the depression will pass - please let us know what steps you take to help it move on. we learn from each other.
    my thoughts remain with you.
  3. Goodday

    Goodday New Member

    Many of us here have had the same feelings. The post above has excellent suggestions. The best one for me was that walk. I had to force myself.....and the walk itself when you are outside...think.....one step at a time. I will take one step and then another. Pretty soon you have walked a block and back.

    Or else just stand in the living room and swing your arms and shake your legs. Get those endorphins pumped up. Body movement improves personal moral. You have done something by just writing out your thoughts here.
    If you feel you can't work talk to your doctor about it. Start applying for Social Security disability.

    Make a plan, write it out. As you do one thing check it off, even if it is this plan: Clean the refridgerator today. Don't write out more than you think you can accompolish though in one day even if it is only one thing.
  4. Iggy_RN

    Iggy_RN New Member

    Sunshyne, when I read your post I started crying. This is an awful DD. I was in ER last night, It just hurts so bad to feel sooooooooooo helpless. What helps me is to just try to get out of the house, take a walk just in your yard or street, even if its raining out, just get out for a minute. Clear your head of all this garbage. We are not in control of our bodies sometimes, and we have to admit that, but do pamper yourself. What helped me yesterday morning was, I went and saw a Disney movie, "pirates of the carribbean," quite funny and entertaining, my pain was at about a 4-5. Do what your body allows. If you cannot get out, go to the chat line. Try to quiet your mind of this DD and perhaps even meditate or pray, go to the worship forum, which is nondenominational. Dont worry about those job interviews it is NOT THE TIME, when you are ready, you'll know... Love and Blessings Iggy
  5. MissyTx

    MissyTx New Member

    I do know how you feel! I too have been in the same boat as you lately! DEPRESSED!!!
    I have been doing contracting work as a paralegal and this company that I WAS working for stuck me for $2500. They bounced half of it in one check and then won't pay up on the other half! Now they are ignoring all notices from the "hot check dept" etc...We just cannot afford any of this! The stress of all this is just killing me! And then I have been in a bad spell for 2 months now and can't seem to get over it! My brother in law, who was 44 past away a month ago from cancer! And I just went back to the rheumy and I still don't know what for! When all I get (like everyone else here) well, just adjust to it and maybe you will get over it soon! There is nothing else we can do for you now! We pay $400 a month for insurance so that I can have "GOOD" doctors to go to for this crude! And that is all I get!!! Adjust...maybe it will get better soon...nothing else we can do ....

    I try and focus on the things that I have been blessed with in my life! My family, my husband and all my "babies"! I noticed that you have 3 sons! Well, we don't have "human children" but we do have: 3 dogs, 1 puppy, 4 cats and 1 kitten!!! I feel totally blessed every day and thank God for having these "babies" in my life! Our littlest kitten, who is 3 months old is blind or at least about 90% blind! I watch him struggle all the time with his blindness! He gets back up and plays and enjoys his life! And I tell myself that if he can do it, so can I!!!

    You too can bounce back out of this slump you are in! Just give it all you got!!! I know you can do it!!! I will keep you in my prayers!

    MissyTx
  6. Sunshyne1027

    Sunshyne1027 New Member

    I started crying, because it feels so good to be understood. I am glad I said what it was I needed to say. I called my counselor earlier today after posting.. and he is going to have me in his office in the morning to talk it out, maybe try new depression meds. I got out and did a little walking around the yard, made a spot between some trees, just for myself to go to and be alone. Its such a small house we live in.. we lost our house in bankruptsy a couple months ago, and we had to move.. and it feels like the walls close in on me sometimes. Used to have my own spot. I wish I could file for disability, I could get it easily I know.. But I don't have enough work credits. My husband Workers Comp income is supposedly too high for a fam of 5 to recieve any other assistance. Looking for a job, with what the market is like, its crazy for sure. Then at times I feel like I can't work with the symptoms I have with the Fibro. I just know I havnt been me, for a week or so, the depression its so thick and heavy I just can't seem to break through it on my own at this time. All the advice, support is wonderful. Taking next week off on the job search, and get time alone more so, keep going to my therapist, talk about it, and just hope to get a breakthrough soon. Try and come to some decisions with my life and all thats going on. I got word that I have been approved for medical through a county program.. for people with disabilities, that are medical dependent in order to function. I have been without insurance for a long time. Relying on sample meds from docs, and free low cost clinics.

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the response and love and support, I love you all! I will keep you all up to date on whats going on.



    Sunshyne


  7. elaine_p

    elaine_p New Member

    Lately I've been in and out of depression. I'm not taking any meds right now because I don't want to and can't really afford yet one more thing. My counselor told me that it's OKAY to feel sorry for myself--which is hard for me to accept because in recovery, self-pity is not good.... (I guess the difference here is whether I'm feeling sorry about this DD or something else.)

    What I did the other day was come here to chat. At first I didn't say anything about how I felt. (That's wrong, I did say I was depressed and the two people in the room expressed sympathy, but they didn't ask what was wrong.) I tried to focus on the bad days they'd had, but that didn't help my feeling of isolation. Then I just up and told them the things that had happened that, I think, triggered the depression. After that we just chatted about this and that and I felt SO much better.

    I'm just throwing that out as a possibility when you need someone NOW, and noone's around in real life.
  8. bamboo

    bamboo New Member

    i am so very, very glad that we heard back from you. you have been in my thoughts ever since i posted and i wanted to know that you pushed through. see how much we all care? the understanding, compassion and caring on this board probably could put out enough energy to run a computer by itself. healing depression requires re-connection with those who can throw us a lifeline and who can relate. depression is a serious experience. i would distinguish grieving and compassion for ourselves from self-pity. my experience of grieving is that it is movement through suffering, at no particular pace, and self-pity is "stuckness" with no intention of movement, or perhaps a lack of faith in the possibility. i can't thank you enough for your courage to share your feelings and your situation - you set a wonderful example for anyone else who may feel reluctant to reach out when in psychological pain. (i have yet to run across postings on this board that indicate anything but support re. depression.) so, guess what, you are a hero! my lifeline has always started with my own therapist, who over the years, in times of personal crises, would say to me: (a) have a plan, (2) break problems down into pieces and deal with each piece. those two small bits of information always help me when i feel overwhelmed. if it is not a burden to you, and you feel okay about it, i do hope that you will keep us informed about how things are going and help us learn more about facing our own adversity.
    much love to you!
  9. Sunshyne1027

    Sunshyne1027 New Member

    I got out a little more today, did some gardening, weeding, picked some stuff too to eat out of the garden, love fresh foods. Just the time spent with my husband doing yard work, it was good. Its been so darn stormy in Ohio where I live, since the fourth of july, or too humid to be outdoors for long. Yard looks great, then friends showed up and it was nice to get a connection to others from the outside world you know?

    I kept the depression bottled up all last week, and just getting it out to anyone.. even here, it was such a help.

    Life has changed for me since going into therapy. Its been a life saver, I keep growing and learning.

    Me, always being the strong one throughout my life, carrying everyones stuff, burdens, bullcrap. I learned to not do that anymore through therapy. Still learning though to express my feelings. And that its OK, not to be perfect, Its OK not to be strong at all times.

    I got enjoyment today from just watching my puppy Jack.. LOL.. I call him that he is a Jack Russell, got him around 2 years ago. He lays in the sun, in a certain spot in the yard. Got a kick out of wathcing him watch my husband putting burgers on the grill too, sniffing around. He follows me around when gardening too. I smiled today for a change, I was able to watch the world around me, rather than thinking about the pain, losses, etc.. lived in the now for a change.

    Will keep coming back to express and share for sure.

    Love you too!!
  10. Dogtired

    Dogtired New Member

    Hi Sunshyne,
    I struggle with depression as well. I am so glad to hear that you went out in the yard and are enjoying your puppy. At times, those two things (nature/gardening and animals) are the things that keep me going - they are so healing!
    I do believe the weather can have a significant impact on moods, as well.
    I hope you will keep writing your truth (however hopeless you may feel) - this is a safe place to do it and just getting it out to those who truly understand will help you get through it. Isolation always makes it worse for me.
    Hang in there! This too shall pass.
    Blessings and hoping for sun in your area,
    Kristi
  11. bamboo

    bamboo New Member

    your description of your time outside sounds so good that i now feel like going outside today, as well. here in the northwest, there's a lot of Seasonal Affect Disorder due to all of the cloudy days in the winter. just thinking of it leaves me wanting to go curl up in the sunshine, like your Jack Russell terrier. i'm really impressed by your ability to just be where you are at the moment; it's a great reminder for me. thanks for writing about your day. : )
    julia
  12. Sunshyne1027

    Sunshyne1027 New Member

    I have been feeling pressured with the job search, and vocational rehab. My counselor there had called on Friday also and wanted to know where my standing on it all was, with the depression and symptoms of Fibro, do I think I can still work, job search etc.. To not just give him a answer that will make him happy. I thought about it, and no.. I am not ready at this time. I feel lucky in ways to even be able to make a decision like this, I know that other people with Fibro do not have much choice on working or not, they have to in order to survive, pay bills, raise kids..etc.

    We have just enough to live on right now. If I were to work it would be extra income to just do more things, buy more stuff. Stuff that we don't really really need anyways. Always been a down to earth person, not materialistic. Sure could use a new car, but we can get by on the one we have. Sure the kids would love new stuff, but they can get by without it too.

    Just thinking on things.. Its not really really neccessary I believe to have a two income household when married and with kids these days. Depends on goals, peoples values. In the past I would have felt differently. Less of a person, a failure for not working. I no longer feel that way.

    I do not look at others and think.. I wish I had a house that big, nice cars, new big screen tv's, the up to date latest computers, etc.. etc..

    Who wants the darn mortgage, car payments, insurance, bills with it all. Both parents working there butts off, not much time to spend with your kids, who the heck is watching the kids by the way. Worked in child care before, know first hand how that is. The stress involved with it all, the climb up the ladder of so called success. LOL. Whew!!

    Not for me. Done been there, had it, lost it. Don't want it anymore.

    And life is a box of chocolates, never know what ya going to get.