In a flare and marriage problems

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by jillian44, Aug 30, 2005.

  1. jillian44

    jillian44 New Member

    How do you guys and gals go through with a flare and problems at home. I have felt very bad lately and just really depressed. It is hard to go through the pain and tiredness and deal with someone who dosen't seem to care. Please pray for me to make it through this hard time.
  2. Francey54

    Francey54 New Member


    I understand exactly what you are going through. It is not easy when you have a partner who us not that supportive. When we are in flare all we want is for our partner to hold us and comfort us. Unfortunately, they do not always understand and even become annoyed at times. Only those who suffer FM and CFS know exactly how you feel. Try talking to him calmly.

    You can rest assured though that many of us go through the same thing. So what can you do? This is the time to pamper yourself. Go get a massage, or a new new haircut. If you can't leave the house get some aromatic candles, especially LAVENDER. It is a known fact that lavender is the best fragrance for relaxing. Take a long hot bath in the tub with the delicious aroma of lavender oil in the water. I promise you will feel better.

    I hope your flare doesn't last long and that hubby will be a little more supportive.

    I will be praying for you.

    Tender hugs,


    [This Message was Edited on 08/30/2005]
  3. Jodi_B

    Jodi_B New Member

    Oh, Jillian, I really feel for you and can definitely relate! And it's a vicious cycle because stress makes the FMS that much worse.

    Try a heart to heart talk -- even tears sometimes help. Tell him how depressing it is for you to have this illness that is so hard to explain and for anyone else to understand. And that you feel so bad that it effects your life together.

    He may not have a good response, but it'll be good for you to share.

    Hang in there ~ we've all been there and know how hard it is.

    Good luck and God bless.

  4. JLH

    JLH New Member

    Hello, Jillian.

    It's not easy going through a flare with your spouse is not supportive.

    I'm not having any problems at home, or marriage problems, but my husband of 35 years could care less how I feel! He is so busy working his "day job" and farming on the evenings and weekends, that he doesn't pay in attention to me being sick.

    He tells me that I have been sick, with something, for the last 35 years -- which is true!! Now he is getting arthritis and tires easily and is having a hard time keeping up with his two jobs. So, when he comes in, he's achy and tired, too, and doesn't want to listen to me. All he care about is having something to eat -- and I'm not able to stand up and cook due to major back problems.

    Our 3 children are adults and no longer live at home, so it's just the two of us. It does get depressing not having anyone to talk to that understands how badly you feel. I just have gotten used to it, I guess. He has never been the type to show a lot of emotion anyway--not the huggy type.

    I have lived with so much pain and severe fatigue all my life, even during the 30 years that I worked, that I'm am so sick of it that I just just sit and cry all day. As you can guess, I'm really depressed now (and tired -- it's 1:40 a.m. where I live and I need to go to bed!). I have a pinched sciatia nerve in my back at L4-L5 and S-1, and it is causing me horrific pain. I'm going to bed now and hope to sleep until noon tomorrow!

    I will pray for you that you make it through your flare and the rough time that you are having with personal problems. Take time to take care of yourself -- and to heck with him! Make yourself come first, no matter what he says. That's what I do. My husband is a calm, mild-mannered man, but just has no compassion or sympathy for anyone since he has never been sick in his life--and his family is rather cold like that, too - so it's genetic, I guess.

    I hope your hubby is not an angry, hateful man, that gives you a hard time because you are sick. If so, I REALLY pray for you.

  5. Bronagh

    Bronagh New Member

    Hi Janet,

    I could not believe it when i read your post, i thought it was my life you were talking about.

    I can identify with your story 100%.

    My hubby is 62, i'm 54, when he was 31 he got throat cancer, we were 4 years married and our first born son was only 4 years old.

    It would take pages to write about my life, i blame myself for the way my hubby is, i spoiled him because his family is very cold also and didn't support us at all, actually they did NOT want to know.

    Because of the problems that came with his Disability i had to join a 12 Step Program to help myself, long story.

    I am convinced all this started my Fibro years ago and the fact that i had to work and put my own problems on hold i mastered the art of ignoring pain and got on with it, i have not worked in 8 years and i can no longer ignore pain.

    The problem now is that hubby cant accept that the focus is not on him anymore. I have 2 wonderful sons but i DO NOT want to bog them down with my woes, they have their own lives. When they show concern for me it does not go down well with hubby, i call him KING BABY LOL.

    Jillian, you have to be good to yourself, any member here that has an understanding compassionate hubby appreciate him, they are few and far between.

    Sorry for venting, i needed to vent today.


    Hope you all have a good day.

    Bronagh :)
  6. mommy22

    mommy22 New Member

    I notice that my husband has an easier time showing compaeion when my problems don't really effect him. "you didn;t have to cook" or "take a rest" are heard a plenty. As soon as i am in a lot of pain and have to, he's not so happy. I do need to say, that is not ALWAYS the case. Lately he has been wonderful no matter what. I get anxious sometimes because i don't want that to change. i will do things, even though i really hurt, so he won't get frustrated w/me. When he used to get an attitude, i wouldn't wash his clothes. I would put everyone elses stuff in, but not his. I would always wind up feeling guilty after a few days. he has a closet full and rarely noticed. I would be running around buck naked if i didn't wash my stuff for 3 days. I will pray for you and everyone having to deal w/harden hearts of others. I think they should make a pill to mimic the symtoms so we could give it to our husbands/wives. Course, they would just take the days off work and lay in bed and expect us to wait on them! God be w/you and see you thru, SOnya
  7. petesdragon

    petesdragon New Member

    Hang in there. My prayers are with you. It took me 39 years of marriage and a psychologist to get to the point where I know taking care of myself is my first priority. It is hard for women to do, but it is necessary. If you need to stay in bed, do so. If you need to see or call a friend to vent and maybe go to lunch with them, do so. If you want to watch tv or read all day, do so. If you can make yourself a quick lunch for one, do so. If one chore in town wears you out and you have to make a second trip later, do so. The work will always be waiting for you but 15 minutes at a time is better than nothing. If your husband sees you move your head and therefore thinks you are well, he is wrong and you can tell him so.My husband always said he knew I would get around to it eventually and I will -- just not today. Tell him in clear, unwhiny voice how your body feels today and if he isn't interested so what -- you tried and God knows already. One board member implied I had a lot of attitude. Probably do -- that's what it takes sometimes when it takes so long to learn to put yourself first and it is OK. Find a reason to laugh and do so. I once called a friend and said all I could do was cry and the house was a mess and there was an empty peach can in the living room floor where I ate them last night. She said pick up the peach can and cry in it - that will kill two birds with one stone. I laughed so hard I put the empty peach can in my kitchen window with a tiny bit of salty water and laughed every time I saw it.
  8. joisey

    joisey New Member

    I guess the older we get the wiser we are. I finally take care of myself first (most of the time). If I'm not feeling well, I lie down. I use to feel guilty but no more. If I don't feel up to cooking, I don't. The housework waits and so does the laundry, dishes or whatever. My husband is very understanding and patient and for that I am blessed.But there are times when he becomes frustrated and tired and will say a few little things that normally would push my "buttons." I ignore it most of the time. I don't have the energy to argue. If he becomes irritated and tired of my illness it is only because he is overwhelemed. When I was finally dx I showed my husband articles on fms and talked to him as much as he wanted to hear about it. Sometimes he just doesn't want to hear it. You have to take care of yourself first no matter what. Keep contact w/message boards & online fms chats. Build your network of friends even if it's in cyberspace. Don't overload hubby w/info but maybe have a serious talk on how it has changed your life also. Just some thoughts....we're all in this together. Some day we will celebrate together when there's a cure. Hugs, j
    [This Message was Edited on 08/31/2005]
  9. JLH

    JLH New Member

    Hey, twin!!!

    It's funny how so many of our's lives mirror one another!!

    My husband is 60 and I am 54.

    I have spoiled him all our married lives and now he has a hard time of my not doing EVERYTHING all of the time!

    Even though I worked for 30 years, I always took care of the house, it's maintenance, my car and it's maintenance (he HAD TO take care of his own car -- I made arrangements for the kids' cars when they got older). I've always done all the cooking, cleaning, errands, bill paying, grocery and clothes shopping. I always shopped for his clothes, too. He's never been in a department store since we've been married. If something didn't fit, I took it back and kept bringing things home until he got what he liked.

    Once I even took 10 pair of shoes home "on approval" from the shoe store for him to pick out what he liked, and then I returned the rest!

    So, WOW, was he in for a shock when I retired and could no longer do as much! Now, it's almost impossible for me to do anything--my health as gotten so bad (my heart and back). My fibro, lupus, and arthritis has also just about got me down.

    Now, I'm my own boss, and I don't care if he or the kids get upset with me, but I only do what I am ABLE TO DO and WHEN I am able to do it!

    (((Hugs to you, too, Bronagh, and to everyone else)))
  10. mjwarchol

    mjwarchol New Member


    Your husband and mine must be twins! I know mine isn't supportive either. He wanted me to quit work and apply for disability, and then when I did he complains about it. Dealing with this DD is bad enough without having to go through that too. Keep your chin up. He has to realize that the more he doesn't support you the more stress you have and that makes the fibro worse. I'll say a prayer for you.

    M J

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