In Addition

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by johnston, Nov 1, 2006.

  1. johnston

    johnston New Member

    please consider this:

    This may be the only place we don't feel invisible.....
    We are amongst people who understand first-hand. I have often said no one can understand this unless they have it.
    My husband is so supportive and tries to understand. He does a great job, but he cannot understand the extent of how this robs you of you.

    Here some of us feel validated. Feel we still have something to give. Feel heard. FEEL REAL!

    My own example:

    Not to d/t FM but 1st: I was no longer a mommie. A mom, yes; but my children were 7-9hours away---grown. No more painted pics on the fridge; no more soccer/baseball/etc games to root for. No more identity as MOMMIE>>>>

    2nd: Loss of career: I was a nurse for 23yrs. No more kudos from patients. No more kudos from supervisors. No more promotions. No more raises. No more working and feeling productive. No bringing any money into the home to help with finances. Loss of identity as a productive part of society.

    3rd: Loss of being the "dream" wife: I had been single for about 9yrs before remarrying. During that time I dreamed of being a certain wife. I'm not. Loss of feeling I am the wife my husband deserves.

    4th: Loss of hobbies: Can't participate in physical sports; an avid dancer; a reader; all that defined me gone.

    5th: An independent, strong, survivor who never quit: I haven't quit life, but so much I finally had to admit I could no longer do. Loss of identity.

    6th: Loss of being a great cook: before you would NEVER/EVER find instant potatoes/rice or frozen veg. in my freezer. Today the easier it is to prepare in case I don't feel like it, the better! Loss of identity.

    7th: Loss of credibility: even in my own medical field. I have always tried to be so very honest. Now, I feel I constantly have to PROVE to people (sometimes including myself) that I AM SICK!

    8th: Loss of never taking meds: I was a "healthy" person. I never took anything everyday. NOW? I'm ashamed of all I have to take. I try to hide it from my children when they visit. Getting better about this. It is as it is>>>>Loss of identity.

    7th: Loss of being a friend and making new friends: I was a social being. Now, I can't guarantee if I am even going to get dressed on any given day. Writing communication with someone far away is easier because I don't have to remember my words right away. I have time to think of the word without seeming ignorant/slow/old...brings us to 8.

    8th: Loss of feeling very intelligent: The was part of my identity since childhood...Now I don't write creatively like I once did. I don't read. I often can't carry on an intelligent conversation, etc. Loss of identity.

    9th This list probably goes on and on and on if I took the time to remember and pull them all out of my brain...and each one here can add thier own, I know. I listed them to make the point of feeling robbed by this condition (that probably each one reading can relate in their own way with thier own personal list). Violated. No longer controlling my body, but it controlling me and what I do or don't do...

    Point is I often feel I am only drinking the water and breathing the air and giving nothing back in return-- except waste. Often have feelings of uselessness....

    ON HERE at least we can feel we are heard. We are understood. We are individuals. We give and we get SOMETHING back. WE know we are alive.

    I'll stop here.............Thannks if you took the time to read all this, Rhonda
  2. Lolalee

    Lolalee New Member

    Rhonda, not often do I cry when I read a post. Your post made me cry because with the exception of your specific profession, I could have written it. Some days it is so very hard.

    Thanks for your heartfelt words.

    Lolalee
  3. victoria

    victoria New Member

    SO TRUE!

    -and beautifully expressed!

    You're a wonderful writer...

    nowadays I all too often cannot find these words, but you have!

    all the best,
    Victoria

  4. Callum

    Callum New Member

    ...how much you CAN still give, and that you are not just taking air and food and giving nothing back.

    It's so hard, when we define ourselves by certain criteria, and then this DD robs of that criteria. I understand the words failing you when you want them to be there. But this posting shows it's still there. The rest of the world will just have to be more patient to drink them in!

    And don't thank us for taking the time for reading your post - we are the fortunate ones who were given the luxury of reading your post.

    Callum
  5. johnston

    johnston New Member

    I really didn't expect these kind replies. (I figured I would get bombarded and bashed for being a "negative Nellie" or get all kinds of well meaning advice about depression) My only purpose and hope was to help everyone feel that everyone is feeling something and many of us feel the same things. (and to vent to those who actually do UNDERSTAND) Don't worry if someone bashes you; advertently or inadvertently. Even hurt feelings, or anger mean you are still here. You still feel. There's still hope.

    I think one reason I subconcsiously made my username my maiden name, Johnston---is because that was the me BEFORE...
    If any of this helps ANYONE, or if anyone can relate. I honestly feel sooooooooo very thankful and blessed. Rhonda
  6. Redshadow

    Redshadow New Member

    Rhonda,
    That was so beautifully written. The only truth is that you're not alone. This message board proves it, regardless of what people say. You are not waste, you are a real human being, a creation of God.
    God Bless you,
    Bon
  7. Cindyvr

    Cindyvr New Member

    Just wanted to say Thank You for writing this!!
    You are a wonderful writer!! I see me in there. It was really "real".
    Cindy
  8. Redwillow

    Redwillow New Member

    Oh my Rhonda was that well written! Except for the profession I felt like you were writing my story.

    When I had to quit my job I didn't even have a diagnosis yet. I started going to a cognitive therapist because my self esteem was on rock bottom.

    I told her I felt redundant. My kids were grown and didn't need me to be home for them. My job was gone. My husband was still there for me but I felt so awful about myself that I didn't know why he hadn't left me.

    I have always loved to read and now I can only read for a few minutes at a time or I get nauseous! I also have taken great pride in my cooking, my perennial gardens and the sewing and crafts I used to do. I miss being able to do those things!

    Some days I barely know who I am. So I thank you for writing what you did. I share your feelings of loss and am thankful that at least here we fit in.

    Believe me you are not alone! hugs Redwillow
    [This Message was Edited on 11/01/2006]
  9. naturebaby

    naturebaby New Member

    Dear Rhonda,
    I very rarely post here anymore although I do come by for a "read" once in awhile. I feel so lucky to have found your post tonite! You've articulated so well the feelings of grief I'm having, even as I enter my 4th year with fibro.

    You helped me tonite by sharing your thoughts and helping me identify my own confused and conflicted feelings, and I thank you for that!

    wishing you well, nature
  10. johnston

    johnston New Member

    ALL for such warm reception to my words. Thank you! THank you! Rhonda