In Love With a FM Sufferer

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Iloveafibrosufferer, Aug 26, 2003.

  1. Iloveafibrosufferer

    Iloveafibrosufferer New Member

    She keeps warning me about the disease and the responsibility I will be taking on as the disease progresses if we marry. Currently for various reasons we both have more stress in our lives than should be necessary to bear. Much of what I read makes me believe stress increases the flare ups exponentially. My dream is to remove much of the stress in our lives, I love to give massages but know I can't massage her every day. She insists that if her legs, which are bothering her more lately than ever, don't get better and that if it is a progression of the FM she will not marry me and will not allow me to have to take on that responsibility. We are both in our 40's and it will be a second marriage for both of us. Any advice?
  2. Takesha

    Takesha New Member

    I am a fibro suffer myself, but married a Chronic Fatigue sufferer before I got sick.I think it was harder on him than it was on me, because he felt guilty for not having any energy, and feeling poorly so often. If you really feel you understand the issues and are willing to live with them then you may be the biggest blessing she has ever known. If you would like to do a search,the Fibrohugs site has a "letter to normals" and a letter to fibro suffers (from a normal's point of view). It's very informative.
    I think your lady must love you very much, and feels that she needs to spare you from all the limitations that this disability places on a relationship.
    I thank God daily for my mate, as I have become unable to work, and he is still able to, but not without sacrifice. He is never upset because the house isn't clean, or dinner isn't cooked, or we have to turn down invitations to go out. I would really do a very deep inward, realistic inventory of your needs and desires, and goals, and ask yourself how much you expect your lady to be a part of that. As you can tell from reading the various posts, we all have a plateful to deal with, and those around us have a share in it.
    I admire you for accepting your lady for who she is, and accepting her challenges. This is a really big topic to communicate about. Ask her what her greatest fears are and go from there. I hope things work out well for you.
    Takesha
  3. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    You are a compassionate man! My husband and I have been married for 31 years, I had FM before he married me, but it was undiagnosed at the time.

    If you keep the attitude you have now, I do not see a problem for both of you. Are you willing to commit to long term care of your lady friend?

    The stress is a major cause of our getting into Flares, thats a fact of life. If you can eliminate some of the stress it will help her greatly.

    We moved to the country, its peaceful, quiet no intrustions on our lives other than what we allow. Even the phone is quiet.

    I have improved at the least 80% being on this board for the last 2 1/2 years, changing my lifestyle, started on magnesium and other supplements.

    I am even sleeping now, which is the second worst problem with us next to stress.

    I hope this helped you a little, and I do hope you both come to the right decision.

    I would not want to be alone with this illness, and I know its hard on my husband at times, but he is patient with me and is my biggest supporter.

    We have learned through the years, what I can do and what causes me to flare, so as for a social life, we do not have much of one anymore.

    He does the major shopping for the household, I go with him for the little things at smaller stores. (Wal-Mart is out of the question for me). We do everything together that we can, and he does the things I can't do.

    Its a matter of lifestyle that makes a big difference in how we deal with this illness. It won't eliminate all the problems, but it makes life easier to bear.

    Have you Lady join the board here, she will get mega help, and loads of support too.



    Shalom, Shirl


    PS. My husband is great at massages too :)
  4. stillfighting

    stillfighting New Member

    You would not even be considering marriage if you weren't deeply committed to one another. Learn as much about FM and living with chronic illness as you can. Be an advocate for your sweety's healthcare. But also know that a lot of the stress is self generated, due to frustration over not being able to do as much as you would like, and this is something you will never be able to take away completely. It may help to get couples counseling from someone experienced in helping people adjust to chronic illness so both of you can fully express your desires, hopes, and fears before making a definite commitment. I know you'll make the right choice!

    LOL,
    Hilary
  5. sofy

    sofy New Member

    Tell your sweetheart to not discount the importance of giving and receiving love to get the most out of the life we are given. It is not her decision who your heart loves.

    If she chooses to deny you the chance to nuture this love because she feels she is less than perfect then she needs to ask herself why she does not feel worthy of love. To say it is to save you is not an answer.

    Giving and receiving love is possible for all of us with the right person. I am alone and I cannot believe I am unworthy of love just cuz I am not perfect. I will continue to seek a place or person to express this all important element of living.
  6. Iloveafibrosufferer

    Iloveafibrosufferer New Member

    To all of you who answered my posted question about loving a fibro sufferer...THANKS!
    As I read each of the answers (all consistant with one another) I was both encouraged and gaining courage (at least after I wiped the tears away)! I am afraid of what the future holds for my loved one but I believe I can make a huge difference. You may have noticed my e-mail address is 'footmassager', that's because I am learning about reflexology and when I rub and massage her, especially feet and calves it helps immensely. Since I am in the early stages of love with her, I love touching her and carressing her so these are easy things to do, even exciting things to do. I am not so naive as to believe I will have this same desire two, four or six years into marriage on an everyday basis. I have made the commitment to her that I will spend at least five minutes every morning rubbing her feet and calves and she is elated with even such a small commitment, seems like she never has had anyone really understand and believe her, I guess many of you deal with the unbelief. It's sad, but I would have never understood and probably not have been as sympothetic towards those with FMS having not known her and the problems she deals with, all fms sufferers deal with. I only hope I can convince her of the sincerity of my love for better or for worse. We are not at the point in our relationship of discussing marriage yet. But, now I know my decision will not be based on FMS, my decision will be based on love, compatibility, and all the other reasons people get married. I believe I have all the answers I need and I again thank each of you for your input.

    Alan
  7. survive

    survive New Member

    I am a newlywed and this year has been tough on both me and my spouse. FM has changed our lives. It is a tough road and because of FM there will be some very tough times. You understanding FM is a huge step and the two of you can make it. We plan to!
  8. tlc8858

    tlc8858 New Member

    What a wonderful man you are. I hope your lady realizes how lucky she is. Stick it out, make her see how much you love her and that you will be there for her no matter what.
    Good luck to you.
    tlc8858