it's a puzzle and there is a piece that lays missing a quiet shard that never allows its full healing you can pretend so others won't see becuz who would ever really understand. what it's really like to never feel well to have to battle and yet accept all at the same time to wish and wish only to be pressed down to not having the strength to wish at all it's not cancer it's not death it's not visible its obscured quietness steals your life inch by inch your only 'choice' is surrender to it to not go crazy people who do know - don't really know it's almost like they've forgotten how much a struggle this is who would want to think about someone they love in this much suffering so you numb yourself caffeinate your exhausted body so you can function force yourself not think about the 'symptoms' becuz there's no real name for it... no cure... only shrugs, and silence making you be the one to have to endure but don't complain who wants that don't look outside at everyone running around effortlessly don't look back at all that you've lost sure grieve - privately but you'll get better in time.. right...? think positively push yourself collapse in the shadows when all you want is to feel health to walk and not be leadened down to think and not muddle through fog to get the thoughts out to dance, sweat, feel your heart pound. to work, earn a paycheck, build a life to sleep and awaken refreshed. to feel normal what is that like.... after 8 yrs i no longer remember. so what do you do now? you still have days where getting out of bed is like climbing a mountain the good day is a whisper of who you once were accept that. except that.... I want more..