is it abuse or what

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by baeder31, Jul 29, 2008.

  1. baeder31

    baeder31 New Member

    Okay since i got sick my spouse has been calling me stupid cause i can't talk that good or i forget things,, a lesbo, cause i had a tah/bso and no sex drive at all,, crazy cause he thinks its all in my head when i'm hurting all the time, and when i walk away he yells at me to stop walking away but i just don't want to fight, when i tell him that when he says all these things to me he says he's joking but he still says this., and he can always buy or do things for hisself but god for bid if i get anything or buy anything for my kids it's the end of the world, and i never hear the end of it.
  2. lillieblake

    lillieblake New Member

    Was this his behavior before you got sick? I think you need to talk to a psychologist. Make sure you get someone you are comfortable with.

    This was my life too, and everytime I went to a new psychologist, he/she would eventually ask to see the husband, and after a few joint meetings I didn't have to go anymore and he still went for sometimes up to a year or more. Kind of tells you something, doesn't it?

    As far as the money part goes, if you can get him to sit down and figure out a budget, make sure you get an allowance same as he does, and that there is some money in there for the kids.

    Are you on replacement medications for the TAH/BSO? That essentially put you into menopause in a day. When I went to my doctor after the clearance from the surgeon, I said he HAD to give me SOMETHING or else visit me in jail. There are bad and good things about estrogen, but if you would rather feel good and have to have a mammogram 1-2x a year, it sure beats how you are feeling now.

    And you need to get a set answer for when he acts like a jerk, because what he says to you and how he acts is totally inappropriate. Without knowlege of your 'previous' personality, I can't tell you what to do or say. But I can tell you what I did when my husband would rant and rave - I would whistle, and then wave the fingers on my hand, which means basically 'the bird' in multiple. It made me feel better and the children didn't know what it meant, so I wasn't subjecting them to bad language. And by doing these, I also turned his rant and rave to him and the kids eventually knew their dad was the idiot, not mom.

    Good Luck baeder, and let us know what happens.

    Love, Lillie
    [This Message was Edited on 07/30/2008]
  3. baeder31

    baeder31 New Member

    well before i got sick the money things was always there and he didn't like any of my friends girl ones so i stopped hanging out with them , I keep everything bottled up inside cause i have seen and dealt with alot in my life like watching my dad physically abuse my mom then watching my grandfather beat the crap out of my dad one night due to my dad hitting my mom this was all at when i was a small child dealing with my moms next husband verbally abusing my mom and me all teen age years, so i have shut my mouth and walk away. my spouse even when we were dating at times was a jerk but i would just brush it off that he had a bad day. i have been on estratest patch since 2 years.
    [This Message was Edited on 07/30/2008]
  4. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    My heart goes out to you. This is definitely abuse you are dealing with. I'm sorry for all you've been through. It must be so hard to put up with especially when you are battling FMS as well.

    I've found Patricia Evans to be very helpful in learning how to recognize verbal and emotional abuse and deal with it. This website is a good place to start if you haven't heard of her:

    Her books are excellent too. Especially her Verbal Abuse book. It's helpful to read the Reviews at Amazon for her books too.

    Lille- It's cool that you came up with something that helped and was appropriate for kids to see and it sounds like you saw a good psych. Did it help your husband to see him/her eventually?


  5. frosty77

    frosty77 New Member

    Hell, yes, that's the classic definition of abuse (as others have also said). If it's at all possible, please find a good therapist for you and your kids. Abuse is a learned behaviour - if you see it in your childhood you will very likely either become an abusive partner or enter an abusive relationship - as will your children.

    I'm sorry you have to deal with abuse on top of the DD!!
  6. lrning2cope

    lrning2cope New Member

    I agree with everyone. This is abuse. Your husband needs to be in CONTROL big time. I am no therapist , but it seems that with your illness , things are different so he is threatened because things aren't in control with you. I am so sorry you have to live with a control freak. I lived with one for 18 years and I totally lost myself.

    Is he still in therapy ? It sounds like he still needs to go if he is willing. He needs a mens group that deals with anger and control too. Again , I am no therapist , but I am just saying what happened with my ex and I and what was recommended.

    Oh , and co-dependents anonymous helped me so much . Here is a link . I hope it is ok to post this ?!

    [This Message was Edited on 07/30/2008]
  7. WhoSaid

    WhoSaid New Member

    When I first read this I thought what a bunch of junk but I stayed with it and now know that it's not junk at all.
    You can't change what the other person is doing/going to do but you can change how you react to it.
    God bless you and keep you safe.
    If this link somehow goes poof maybe we can get in chat and I can give it to you there.
  8. texangal81

    texangal81 New Member

    So many women are emotionally abused and don't know it. I was one of them. My ex preferred the silent abuse and muttering under his breath to overt insults and used profanity profusely to express himself. I was miserable for years but I could never figure out why. He didn't drink, smoke or do drugs. He was hard-working, dedicated, and a great provider, which allowed me to stay home with the kids.

    Yet, he controlled the money like a tyrannt. He complained about every dime I spent. He bitched when I wanted to buy nice things for our house. Yet, when HE wanted something, he just went out and bought it. He was very fond of saying "I'm so tired of this f**king sh*t".....He called me a lazy a$$ under his breath (this was before I knew I was sick).

    But I was lucky. I started planning my escape years before I actually did it. I went back to school and got my degree. That gave me the confidence I needed when it came time to try to leave. I left him once but came back. The second time was for good and I never looked back. It was an ugly, nasty divorce and he tried everything to break me. Nine years later I have a great career and will NEVER allow a man to do that to me again.

    Everyone here had great suggestions. Just remember, he has NO right to do this to you and to take your 'self' and who you are away from you. He is the one with serious problems, NOT you!

    Keep your chin up, there are ways out.

  9. baeder31

    baeder31 New Member

    yes they are his kids too, well when i had friends just going out with them he told me to stop being friends with them or else, and when i was working at my old job many many times even my bosses have seen and heard this him calling the club and making sure i'm exactly there or fighting with me on the phone when i call to see how the kids are, he has also drove to my work and asked people if i was ezctly inside working when i was doing my job i was a waitress at a country club and also helped out in the banquets like for wedding and stuff like that.
  10. baeder31

    baeder31 New Member

    thank you all for listening i don't have many people to talk to about this, when i mentioned it to my husband sister he said wow that sucks... i'm going to look into some programs and see whats out there.
  11. WhoSaid

    WhoSaid New Member

    I suggest you change the way you react to what he is doing and saying. That MIGHT break the cycle.
    Like I said before, you can't change what the other person does you CAN change how you react to it.
    If he thinks his weapons (cruel words) are no longer working he may just stop or he may get worse but stick to your guns and DO NOT RESPOND in the old way.
    I know that it's not easy getting out of the situation you are in and it's not going to happen today. You are going to have to live between now and then. This might make things a little easier for you until you can get out.
    Please go to that site I posted and read up on codependent relationships or you will end up in another one just like this one.
    God bless you and keep you safe.
  12. 00a7370

    00a7370 New Member

    Been there, done that for twenty years before I got sick. Maybe reason I did.

    I always had this terrible thought in the back of my head, what if I get terminal cancer and he's the one that has to take care of me. How awful my last days would be!

    It was not easy, it took years of pscych help and support groups but I got out, met the man of my dreams, got sick and he takes wonderful care of me.

    There is hope. I know it feels like a dark tunnel with no end in site but there will be.

    We are all here for you.

    Take care.
  13. baeder31

    baeder31 New Member

    I called couple of places for help and i have a appointment with someone next week to talk. I have told him about the meeting and he said he would go because there is nothing wrong with him, so i'll be going to it. I do feel that way also in the back of head that since I have been with him since i was 18 years old that there won't be anyone out there for me that will also be great with kids especially 3 of them and i think i should just stay single so i dont have to deal with it. It's very hard..
  14. lillieblake

    lillieblake New Member

    "I called couple of places for help and i have a appointment with someone next week to talk. I have told him about the meeting and he said he would go because there is nothing wrong with him, so i'll be going to it. I do feel that way also in the back of head that since I have been with him since i was 18 years old that there won't be anyone out there for me that will also be great with kids especially 3 of them and i think i should just stay single so i dont have to deal with it. It's very hard.."

    Baeder, your life parallels mine! My ex went to meetings with me 'to support me' what a joke on him that they ended up wanting him to stay and saying there was nothing wrong with me! One therapist told him that what he was doing WAS abuse and it was learned from his family and if he didn't break the cycle it would continue to his kids. Ann Landers said you need to ask yourself this question: 'Am I better with him or without him?' I decided I was better without him and ALONE than with him, and loved the solace of being alone. Then I met a wonderful man (another story altogether) that I have now been with for four+ years.

    You also need to prepare for an escape if you will need one. Is there a woman's shelter near you? If things get really bad you might need to just pick up yourself and kids and leave. Just one hint: When you go to a shelter you need to tell them you 'fear for your life' so you can get in. That stops people from using it as a short get away. People there will help you also. You can contact them before hand they might even have groups you can go to.

    Good luck, keep posting. WE will support you!

    Love, Lillie
  15. lillieblake

    lillieblake New Member

    Lille- It's cool that you came up with something that helped and was appropriate for kids to see and it sounds like you saw a good psych. Did it help your husband to see him/her eventually?

    Thanks teejkay. Yes, it did help him, but it helped him more WITHOUT me than with me. He is a different person now (still a jerk towards me) but a better father to his now adult kids.

  16. Honora88

    Honora88 Member

    He may be placing his frustration with the illness on you, but it STILL is ABUSE
  17. elne

    elne New Member

    Yes it is ABUSE and may be a big factor in my you became ill. Please get out and get help so you and your children can start healing. Why you may not want to stop him from having a relationship with them, it may be better for all of you if you do. My girls now tell me that they wish now that I had not agree to joint custody.

    My ex was emotional abusive also and still it took me years to realize the damage he was doing. I felt back then that as long as he wasn't hitting me, it wasn't abuse. Sadly it took him to begin to show violent out bursts were he would start breaking everything he could near him to wake me up to the facts that I needed to get out. Still I was afraid and waited until the morning he threaten me with the garden fork and ended up breaking his hand hitting the wall instead of me to get me to throw everything I could into bags and leave him.

    My doctors at the HMO had told me that all the infections I had that year were due to the stress and once I left him I should get better. Since we had 3 girls and I couldn't move far away from him, he continue to cause me so much stress that finally my body just said enough and I found myself in chronic pain after a viral infection.

    12 years later He is still trying to place all the blame on his problems on me, according to my daughters. Only my oldest has any real attempt to stay in touch with him, her sisters being tired of the drama he creates in their lives.
  18. jbc66

    jbc66 New Member

    And if he continues anyway, then I would categorize the behavior as emotionally abusive.

    Maybe you all need to have a heart to heart with the help of a family therapist. Maybe this is how he reacts to the stress of living with a chronically ill spouse and he needs to deal with his feelings of loss. It is a loss for him too. I am not trying to downplay his behavior as it is unacceptable. However, I think sometimes we forget that our families have to deal with our illness too and that can be pretty stressful on them as well. Some people have more productive ways to deal with it than others. My husband goes to the gym regularly and has a boy's night out every month.
  19. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    to be meeting with a counselor who can help you. I hope you can work it our if that's what you want. It's good to see that there's so much understanding and support for you here as well.

    Lille: Thanks for answering my question about what ended up happening for you. I'm glad you were able to make positive changes that are working for you and that you met a wonderful man who treats you well.

  20. baeder31

    baeder31 New Member

    Okay well saturday night my husband sd he was going to del to help a guy friend and brought his cousin along to help with moving things. He tld me that they all were going out to dinner and a a bar. well when he calld at 11:45 pm he sd he was on his way home, well at 1:50am his phone accidently cld home and i was listening for approx 10min. and heard alot of club music, and people carrying on, well after that anyone answered their cell's so i left a msg and finally at 3:30am his friend cld me and sd that my husband just left to come home and they were at a club and there were girls there too, , well at 6:30 am he finally decides to walk in the home and he tells me that its no big deal and that he was having such a great time he didn't want to leave. i yelled and screamed at him and sd i'm done.. I tld his sister and now she is furious w/him, i have the dr appt on wednesday to tlk. i'm just numb