IS IT ME? or are my feelings justified???how would you take this?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Butterfly_of_grace, Sep 27, 2006.

  1. Butterfly_of_grace

    Butterfly_of_grace New Member

    Hi everyone!
    Here I am ONCE AGAIN, sick with a sinus thing AS USUAL and my ears are killing me Im pretty sure its a double ear infection again but havent had time to go to Doctors so Im pretty miserable. Im exhausted, Im feeling crappier than hell because Im sooooo tired and feel sooooo bad right now. I can tbegin to tell you the body pain Im in...as soon as I catch the slightest cold BOOM the fibro pain starts to wreak havvock and suck the life outa me. Again, Im miserable.

    I came home from my job to find a letter in the mailbox from our Pastor of our church. He has written us several times in the past because we havent been to church alot. My hubby and I have been working two jobs..when he wasnt I was and now visa versa; Our hours are so limited and we can barely keep up with the kids schedules and such. ANYWAY...thats the MAIN REASON we havent been to church as often as we should. Theres just NOT ENOUGH TIME IN A DAY. Im sure alot of you can relate. Life is hell and crazy we are just trying to do our best to keep up with the daily grind the best we can.

    Anyway, TODAY the Pastor sent another letter...this time ONLY mailed to HUBBY...not addressed to me and the family...JUST HUBBY. I opened it up ...and instead of it saying the usual "I just wan tyou to know that we miss you and your family at church adn we hope to see you back soon" it read this way: "I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT WE ARE MISSING YOU AT WORSHIP. YOU ARE A PART OF OUR FAMILY".

    hOW WOULD YOU TAKE THAT?

    NO MENTION OF ME OR THE CHILDREN...NOTHING...just directed at hubby and hubby alone. Its not a big church. In fact, Hubby grew up in this church. His parents are very well known and loved much in this church. The Pastor also was the one who married us as a blended family over 3 yrs ago and always complimented Rick and I and how we are "making it work" in todays day and age. Sooooo.....it makes nO SENSE to me...and YES DARN IT IT BUGS THE HELL OUTA ME...
    Hubby says Im being too sensative or reading into it. Maybe so, since im sick and irritated BUT it makes NO SENSE if he always has addressed his little nots to Rick and me and the children then WHY all of a sudden just addressing it to hubby and hubby alone? I almost feel like they think its MY FAULT we arent in church.

    someone shed some light...again, hubby says Im being too sensative...I dont think I am...but then again, I feel like crap so everything bothers me right now.

    thanks for your input. Im really beating myself up with this...Im really REALLY disturbed by this.

    [This Message was Edited on 09/27/2006]
  2. lascot

    lascot New Member

    first, let me say,this kind of stuff from "well-meaning" people drives me crazy...that said, he sounds, the pastor i mean, like an insensitive male chauvinistic, patronizing, condescending, selfish, blind, unchristian-like, fool.

    no apologies....if he truly "knew" you and your family, if he truly understood the hell you are in, if he even wanted to help you, he would come and TALK to you and your husband not send a meaningless letter; he would not be trying to drag you out on a sunday to listen to him preach. tell him to have church in your living room if it is so important for you to be with the flock and emphasize he bring dinner and movie for the kids when he comes!

    love, linda
  3. SPR30

    SPR30 New Member

    Hi!
    maybe the pastor thought that a letter addressed to just your husband would get you back in church, like the man rules the home and so forth,etc.....
    I think that was just rude in any case, no matter how the letter was intended, if you all worshiped there, the you all should be addressed as one family, period.

    I mean no disrespect, but you do not have to attend church services to be close to God. My bible is in the lving room where the family can get to it if and as they choose. Our prayers are like anyone else's and we say grace before meals. We pray and give thanks or ask for aid all the time, in all kinds of ways, whether it is before bed, while traveling or brushing our teeth, whatever. The point I am trying to make is that you can have a wonderful rich relationship with God and be a united and strong family in Christ by worshiping at home when it fits your schedule.

    If work keeps you so busy right now and that is what it takes to keep your family above water, then that is what you do.

    I find all sorts of times to praise and worship when it strikes me to do so, for example, I might be watching TV and see something that touches my heart, and I may say, "Thank you Jesus for blessing me with_____________". Or I may be cooking and say, "Thank you God for allowing me to prepare this food for the ones I love,"

    So you see Christ is with us in all we do. You take care of yourself and your family, the rest will work itself out.
    God bless you all and I hope you continue to have a strongth and healthy family unit.
  4. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    Maybe someone else wrote his letters for him and just did it differently this time.

    If it bothers you that much call him and ask him about it.
    At least you all get letters .When I got sick 7 years ago my preacher didn't even check on us .My husband was more active then me and even sang in the choir ,only one lady checked on us twice and NOBODY else in 7 years.Its a very large church .We left it nobody even noticed.

    I miss my childhood church it was a med. size church but people carried even about me and my parents never went to church .If you are happy there make time to go you go to work then make time don't miss out on people that really care.
  5. bunnyfluff

    bunnyfluff Member

    and are taking it too hard.

    Someone else from the church who has no clue probably sent it, and not just to y'all, but sent letters out to several folks that they had not seen donation checks from lately.

    You are just overworked, tired as all get out, and feeling guilty about obligations, but you should not.

    This DD takes all it can. Don't let it steal what little joy you have left at home with your family. These days we have are short, and our time is best spent in pursuit of the things that mean something to us.

    Your spiritual connection with God is personal anyway, and if it is something that you can take 2 mins to do alone in the shower, that is okay with God. He knows and loves you. These other people obviously do not, so stop wasting time and precious energy on them.

    That's my take on it.
    Bunny
  6. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    is it a form letter? Was it sent by someone else? Does he know about the two jobs and your illness?

    How has he treated you in the past?


    Would you be upset if you were feeling OK?
  7. Butterfly_of_grace

    Butterfly_of_grace New Member

    I too miss the church I use to attend before I met hubby. I agreed to attend his because we were getting married there, I enjoyed the Pastor and it was convenient right here in town. What I miss about MY old church is that it was full of life..the misuc was contemporary, there were no hym books rather there were tv screens with the words of the music on it with uplifting and alive bandlike music. The church we go to now is organ music and chior. DONT GET ME WRONG...its still beautiful to listen to but me personally I enjoy the contemporary worship. It was a Christian Alliance church....the one we go to now which is hubbys is a Presbyterian church. Theres not alot different although in my upbringing we didnt get baptized until you were old enough to understand the Lords word and what Jesus and the Lord truly mean. You were "dedicated" as a baby, not christined. I was brought up Baptist which is more like the Christian Alliance churches (fundamentalist).

    PERSONALLY I dont believe in "labeling" myself as a "religion"...In my eyes ya either believe or ya dont. Plain and simple as that.

    As far as it not being the Pastor who wrote the letter, its his hand writing so it was definately him who wrote it. He knows our situation and our family VERY well so really I just dont see how it was an oversight.
    Again, Im also sick so Im ultra-sensative right now...and yes Im still upset over it. I must have looked at the enveloped and read the letter a thousand times already trying to convinve myself it wasnt anything personal and I havent succeeded yet.

    thanks for responses. I just need to vent when I feel so crappy.
  8. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    First of all, go to your pharmacy and either get a nasal irrigation kit or ask them for a bulb syringe to irrigate your sinuses. It makes so much difference for me!

    Second, you may not want to hear it but consider that this may have been sent by a church volunteer who doesn't have any idea of your circumstance or the members of your family. IF your pastor did write this himself, it makes little sense. In either case, let it go. The worse we feel the more we need to shrug off the small stuff. Really shrug off, not just stuff it. Burn the letter. That'll show him! ;>) This is poking at your guilt. Get it gone.

    Hugs,
    Marta
  9. lascot

    lascot New Member

    ok, now that i have calmed down on the pastor thing, i think, imho, you should just let it all go....possibly impossible as it sounds like a very personal event to you. i don't want to say you are too sensitive because we are all entitled to our feelings, be they negative or positive. there is no such thing as a "bad" feeling, it is just what we do with it that matters....so you have a choice to make. if i am "ignored" as i see it, and the church contacts my husband and not me too, i am highly insulted . BUT, is that healing? is that going to give you a good night's sleep or uplift your spirits? probably not....if it really is something you cannot let go of, i would talk directly to the pastor himself....alone.

    i think he will take you seriously based on what your posts sound like...i would anyway. and if you are alone, without hubby, he has to address just you.

    take care, linda
  10. Butterfly_of_grace

    Butterfly_of_grace New Member

    Im letting it go
    I guess I have bigger things to worry about

    Besides...my ears hurt so badly tonight that anytime I think of anything it actually hurts....so Ill just go chill for the night...throw out the letter...and Ill forget about it.

    I guess I needed to vent.

    I was hurt.
  11. Slayadragon

    Slayadragon New Member

    How long have you and your husband been married?

    Based on one of your posts, it sounds like you still feel like your old church is "yours" and that you are a bit of an outsider at this one. Probably the minister has picked up on this, especially if he has known your husband for a long time.

    If so, it makes some sort of warped sense that he would address your husband specifically with regard to asking about your attendance. Writing to him at your address was hugely insensitive, of course. If the minister had called your husband at the office (I don't know if he works), asked him out for coffee, and then asked if you were feeling welcome in the church or if anything else was wrong, it would have been a lot better.

    People do stupid things socially, though. Even ministers and therapists. You'd think they'd know better, but getting along with people is hard.

    It seems to me, though, that the real problem is that you feel like you don't "belong" to that church, and that the minister's note made that feeling increase. If church means a lot to you, then not feeling like you're part of one would hurt.

    Maybe you should thiink over this issue in a broader way.

    How much do you want to really belong to (as opposed to just being a member of) a church?

    Do you think that you ever will feel comfortable and happy in your current church? What would have to happen for this to happen?

    Do you think that if you felt better about going to church than you have recently, you would want to go more often? Do you think that going more often or having a better experience while there would help you feel better in other ways (e.g. outside the time you're at service)?

    If you don't think that this church is a place where you ever will feel comfortable and church matters to you, is there a way that you can go back to your old church? What would be the barriers to doing this?

    For example, how would your husband feel about going there sometimes with you, or having you go there on your own? Would your old church accept that you wanted to remain involved there even though you are married and your husband had ties at another church? Would the minister who wrote your husband be supportive of your family's either attending both churches or your (or your family's) moving to your old church, if he knew that it was really important to you?

    This letter sounds like it's the tip of a much bigger issue in your life that might be worth exploring further.

    This is not a religious post---by no means am I saying that people should go to church.

    I do think that people should do things to make themselves happy, even if they fly in the face of what's rational ("This church is closer to home") or socially expected ("Families should all go together to one church"). And if you've got CFS, you especially should try to make yourself happy, since the tendency of the disease is to pull you in the opposite direction.

    Good luck.
  12. razorqueen

    razorqueen Member

    on the fact that maybe the envelope was addressed by his secretary or someone else and just didn't but alot of thought to it.
    Being a woman, I know how easy it is to read into something that isn't really there, especially when I am ill and not feeling well, or when it is PMS time.
    I also hear your heart on enjoying a more contemporary church as that is what touches my heart. It can be hard to fit into a church that your spouse grew up in. We changed churches and that made a difference, tho this church we go to now if huge, and no one seems to notice if you aren't there either.
    I would love to hear from someone in my church that they've missed me etc. Try not to let this harden your heart towards your Pastor/church, as that is exactly what Satan would want. He wants to keep us isolated from other believers, because he knows that when 2 or more are gather in Christs' name, HE is there.

    I pray that you will find peace in this matter, and that you and your family will find the time to worship as often as you can with your fellow believers.

    Blessings,
    Raz
  13. Butterfly_of_grace

    Butterfly_of_grace New Member

    As far as feeling as if Im not fitting in, I guess I do feel that way...although they all have made attempts (in the beginning) to make me feel like I do. When I had my stomach surgery a little over a yr ago I was in a hospital over an hour away hubby wasnt allowed to drive becuase of his seizures and some people at church helped with the rises back and forth to the hospital. But I was a little disappointes when no one set up cooking meals for the family when I came home 8 days later and I was basically bed ridden and house ridden for over a month and we had the 4 kids to feed. We were promissed that and then it fell through. But I let it go.
    I "think" they are sending us letters because we stopped sending money every month becuase we cant afford it right now. We just put whatever change or loose dollar bills we have in the offering dish but we havent been able to send our monthly pledge.

    Anyway, I am sensative. Its probly why I got so upset. I threw the letter out and Im going to try to forget baout it for now.

    thanks for all your advice. I feel like Im having trouble fitting in no matter where I go lately; job wise, church wise, whatever.

    As far as church, it Seems as if people are also more concerned with hubbys health more than mine. I know he has a seizure disorder and thank the lord hes doign so well right now...but I too have a life long battle with Fibro and my other health issues yet it seems as if I am the invisible one. I worry all the time about my husband and thats alot of stress. I have tried to talk to our minister about this a few times and his idea is leave it up to God which I try...but thats no comfort when Im in tears worrying about him and feeling really crappy myself. When I told the minister I had Fibromyalgia he just kinda wrote it off becuase he said he never heard of it...hence why no one really understands how sick I am.

    thanks again all.