Is it wrong for me to choose not to have more children?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by blueandalone, Feb 16, 2006.

  1. blueandalone

    blueandalone New Member

    Hello everyone,
    I am new here and really need advice.I am 35, I was diagnosed w FS 2 year ago. Im a single mother of a 13yr son. for the past 2 yr I have been living with my 73yr mother and her husband so I could make a career change to adapt to my FS. Im so grateful for them being here for me, it has been so hard.I started seeing a very nice man 6 months ago. he is 43 and has no children. I have always used otc contriceptives and have worked well for me now for 13 yrs. until 7 weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant!! I tapered off my meds but still had very bad withdrawels and in so much pain. Well, as im sure alot of you know my very nice man just did not seem to get it! He could only think about he was gonna be a daddy and very happy about it. But not much sympathy for what I was going thru. Out of work for 9 days, felt like I was loseing my mind. The whole thing had my mother upset. Well, I had a miscarriage, I wasn't sure how to feel about it at the time, my mother was relieved, my very nice man hung up on me when I called him! 2 hrs later he calls me back after I left messages on his machine. Asked if I was ok then paused and asked if I had done anything to cause this!!?? And done nothing but argue with me for 2hrs on the phone because I told him I do not feel that I want to have anymore children in my current situation and with my FS. And that made him even more mad. What do I do?? I know how I feel and what would be best for me, I care for him, but should feel guilty for not wanting to give him a child just because at 43 he has decided to settle down and that is what he wants and we've only been seeing each other for 6 months.
    sigh, I am so stressed, I wish none of this ever happened.
    blueandalone
  2. Rosiebud

    Rosiebud New Member

    it's your life, your body and if you choose not to have any more children then stick to it. This man can find someone else to make his middle age the way he wants it.

    As for arguing with you on the phone for 2 hours, you shouldnt take that, hang up on him if he does it again.

    I think having a baby just to please a man you've known for 6 months would be totally wrong, you have to want the baby too and at your age and with your health, it's clearly not what you want.

    love
    Rosie
  3. larryh

    larryh New Member

    Dear Blueandalone,

    First, I am not in favor of abortion, but I can certainly understand your desire not to have anymore children. It seems like your body agrees with you.

    As a man myself I have to tell you that your very nice man is not. He is selfish and will never put you ahead of what he wants. This looks like this may have been a wake up call for you. Finding out how he really is now is much better than after getting married.

    hugs,
    Larryh
  4. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i know it is not the most comfratable thing to go thru...been there myself...and it was unexpected as well...then itis interesting as the comments that come out of other people mouths that it is so insentive.,,

    yes the last thing you should have been doing was giving him the time of day to argue...tell him to go get his own child ren somewhere else...

    you have your son...you what is best for you...maybe if you were married to begin with you might consider children if you decide it is for you...but you already know the taste of single motherhood,,,,and today it is almost way too common for women to be the in single parent w/no child support and plain old support of the father.....

    i wish you the best...take care and heal your body and your soul...everything happens for a reason and we may not know why at the time but later on you figure it out....

    hugs to you


    jodie
  5. Juloo

    Juloo Member

    I'm so sorry that you've gone through this. I am married, with one child. I got pregnant again (a surprise!) about five years ago. I cried when I found out...it wasn't because I wouldn't have welcomed another child, but because of all the physical trials I went through during my first pregnancy and after. It was very daunting thinking I would be going through that again -- even when I love my son beyond belief. Over the next few months, I got used to the idea, then I had a miscarriage. I cried then, too, but a big part of me thought that it was probably for the best.

    The man you are seeing has finally decided to settle down. He has told you (in so many words or not) that his priority is to have a family -- meaning, a baby. He is not wrong to want this, but he is HUGELY wrong to question if you caused the miscarriage. If he doesn't trust you over something this important, how can you feel trust toward him?

    I can believe that you wish this has never happened. But it did happen -- make sure you understand the information that has come out of it, and act accordingly. If your priorities are too much in conflict, can you really be 'together'? Time for a heart-to-heart about where you both see yourselves in a year or so's time -- and if you are reading his reactions correctly. Don't be afraid to make the hard decisions.
  6. jacampbell

    jacampbell New Member

    "My point is this man you are seeing is showing you signs of how he would behave if things didn't go "his way" in the relationship. Take this as a sign that maybe you should step back and ask others what they think of his behavior and demands." - Rainfyer

    You are seeing him in different light. Is this the way you would want your child's father to act? What happens when the child or the child you have now who might become his stepchild one day, comes to him in a situation? You would want the father to be mature and talk it out ...not hang up on him. He sounds immature.

    If FMS has taught me anything it is to realize what I can and can not do. Sounds like you have already made a mature and informed decision on what you can do and it is not to have more children. There is absolutely nothing wrong with making a decision that will effect the rest of your life and the life of at least 2 other people that you are responsible for, the child you have now and the child you would have.

    Stick to your guns! and tell him you have made the decision and he needs to respect it and you will not discuss it further. If he is a nice guy like you say, he will respect your decision and if he wants children then maybe you were not meant to be.

    Good luck.
  7. tngirl

    tngirl New Member

    I am sorry about your miscarriage, I've been through that myself and know it is hard emotionally and physically.

    He was certainly not very understanding or concerned about you or he would not have argued with you for two hours on the phone, or accused you of "doing something".

    I don't think you should have a baby just to please a man.

    Having a baby should be a mutual decision, although accidents happen and then choices have to be made.

    If he can't be more understanding and accept not having children, you are both better off to end the relationship.

    On the other hand, have you been open with him about your illness and the difficulties you face? I tend to hide how I feel, and I shouldn't be that way.
  8. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    Sorry to say, but this does not seem like a good match for you. If this guy wants kids, especially at age 43, he may not be happy if you can't have kids.

    I know it is very sad. It might be so hard on you, not only to go through a pregnancy, but to take care of a baby etc.

    Maybe someone else can give you better advice. I am concerned this guy blamed you for losing the baby... Does he only want you so he can have kids?

    When I first met my husband I was age 40 and considered having a baby, but it did not happen. It was probably for the best...

    Take care

  9. MoosesMom

    MoosesMom New Member

    If what he wanted was to nurture a life and have a positive influence on the world through the growth of a child then he could have done that by helping you and encouraging you with your 13 year old. It sounds like what he wants is his genetic code to be carried on. If he wouldn't make a good step father he wouldn't make a good biological father.

    As for questioning your "involvement" in the miscarriage? OF ALL THE UNMITIGATED GALL!!! He deserves the cussing out of a lifetime then the blocking of his calls, emails, etc.

    If you don't want another child then lighten up on yourself and accept that. I have one child, 6 years old. I would in a way like another one but I also know that energy wise I can't do it and money wise it would be very difficult. So I am slowly resigning myself to being the mother of an only child.

    This is such a HUGE personal choice that NO ONE, NO ONE, NO ONE, should have any input but you. Your body, your health, your life, YOUR CHOICE!!!
  10. tandy

    tandy New Member


    so sorry for all your going thru~

    Just wanted to add to this thread
    Due to Fibro I had my tubes tied after my son was born.
    It took me 9 months after the birth to realize that Fibro and infants DO NOT go together!! not for me anyways.

    It was very/extremely hard to be up 3-4 times a night with a baby,
    ..then up at 6 am for the day because I had other small ones to care for and get off to school.
    I knew I could'nt handle any more babys.
    I call it smart!! Knowing what you can and can't do!
    Best of luck to you~
    Hugs
    Tandy
  11. jhmitch

    jhmitch New Member

    Hi Blueandalone!

    First off, here's a big {{{HUG}}} because it sounds like you sure could use one right now.

    You wrote:

    "Well, as im sure alot of you know my very nice man just did not seem to get it! He could only think about he was gonna be a daddy and very happy about it. But not much sympathy for what I was going thru." (and)

    "Well, I had a miscarriage, I wasn't sure how to feel about it at the time, my mother was relieved, my very nice man hung up on me when I called him! 2 hrs later he calls me back after I left messages on his machine. Asked if I was OK then paused and asked if I had done anything to cause this!!?? And done nothing but argue with me for 2hrs on the phone because I told him I do not feel that I want to have anymore children in my current situation and with my FS. And that made him even more mad."

    You are kind to refer to him as "a very nice man". (I'd have used other words, but don't want to be kicked off the board).

    His self-centeredness is highly evident. The relationship with this man has become "all-about-him" and his sudden need for a descendant.

    Frustrated with the way your body did not cooperate with his master-plan, he throws a temper-tantrum and hangs up on you when you needed his support the most.

    I believe Rainfyer summed it up quite well when she wrote:

    "My point is this man you are seeing is showing you signs of how he would behave if things didn't go "his way" in the relationship. Take this as a sign that maybe you should step back and ask others what they think of his behavior and demands"

    You (and your 13-yr.-old son) deserve more respect and far better treatment.

    Janice


  12. Hope4Sofia

    Hope4Sofia New Member

    You sound heartbroken. And that would be a reasonable way to feel after what you've been through.

    It sounds like he was reacting to the pain and put the blame on you because he didn't know where else to put it. I think miscarriage makes men feel powerless. Regardless, he showed a weakness to you which leaves you with a decision to make on whether or not he is the man for you.

    With FMS, the selection of a spouse is an even more difficult process because we need gentle, patient, loving souls at our sides. I've read so many posts of wives whose husbands have not been able to step up to the plate and honor the "in sickness and health" vows they took.

    My thoughts are with you. I'm sure everyone reading your post is praying for your comfort and healing. You sound wise. I'm sure you will get through this.

    Sofi

  13. Lori_P

    Lori_P New Member

    Hi Blue..
    My thoughts are with you. Sorry I'm just finding this post now. Your story saddened me.
    You wrote, "I wasn't sure how to feel about it at the time, my mother was relieved" There were probably several emotions you felt immediatly. Go with them. Starting with the natural heart breaking grief only a woman can feel in losing a baby/child regardless of it's age. And regardless whether the baby was deeply wanted or undecided. You will grieve that loss. Then came the emotion of how YOU felt about your loss and what it means to you and ONLY YOU. Was it an emotion of relief?... Or horror? Only you can answer that. Your man's reactions however, speak volumes to all.
    You then wrote: quote "I told him I do not feel that I want to have anymore children in my current situation and with my FS. And that made him even more mad. What do I do??"
    I strongly advise you say goodbye and never look back!

    Then in your post you continue with answering your own questions.
    Quote:"I know how I feel and what would be best for me, I care for him, but should feel guilty for not wanting to give him a child just because at 43 he has decided to settle down and that is what he wants and we've only been seeing each other for 6 months.
    sigh, I am so stressed, I wish none of this ever happened."

    I hear you say that having a baby was not in your best interest; that he's an ok guy, but you're not madly, deeply in love with him, and are willing to make a tremendously painfull sacrafice for him; that you don't feel guilt. Why in the world would you feel you owed a baby to to this really not so nice of a ....guy, you dated for a few months... Count your blessings, Say goodbye and never, ever look back. Disturbing. [You did ask]
    *I know that a really, really great guy is just waiting for you to find him. [You did ask]
    Continue to heal your mind and heart, put your energies into hangin' with your fine son, and I wish you much peace and serenity during this time.
    [This Message was Edited on 02/20/2006]