Is it wrong to greive over all that I have lost????

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by TiredbutWired, Aug 25, 2002.

  1. TiredbutWired

    TiredbutWired New Member

    I need to be able to greive for all that I have lost.I am afraid to write how I feel without someone telling me that I will never get better with that attitude or they are tired of all the pity parties. blah!blah!blah!blah! This did not happen here, but I do not want to put my head on the chopping block again.It was so much easier in denail because I just kept thinking that they would find what was wrong with me and fix it.Last week I got a firm diagnosis by a cfs/fibro specialist and he was honest and said that this is a very slow process and just laid it all out there.He told me his studies and experience with how many years I was looking at from the leval I am at.I am glad he gave me the good with the bad.He also told me some very encouraging stories but I can not get past the bad.I know I have to have a good attitude and he said the morbidally depressed would never get well.He said I had a very good attitude,I did intil it all sunk in!I thought all these feelings I am having were part of acceptance.We are all at different stages in our illness and I am sure when you are being very positive [and that is very hard work]that it is very annoying to hear somebody be so NEGATIVE.I was hoping to connect with someone at my leval.I had withdrawled from freinds already because I got tired of getting my feelings hurt and they are so uncomfortable when I talk about it.I constantly feel like I need to protect myself,it is hard enough being housebound and when I get my feelings hurt I just do not feel like I can take it anymore!I think that I have the right to greive over losing me.I am desperate and this is my last attempt to reach out.Am I the only one that feels like this is not much of a life?I had been very positive for a year.I spent my whole life trying to stay away from unhappy negative people.Oh,I would try to rescue them a few times first.Now I am one of them!!!I need a break from myself.I MISS ME!!!Advise I can handle,coping tips etc.But please do not critize me.I am running out of places to hide.Love,Tracey
  2. TiredbutWired

    TiredbutWired New Member

    I need to be able to greive for all that I have lost.I am afraid to write how I feel without someone telling me that I will never get better with that attitude or they are tired of all the pity parties. blah!blah!blah!blah! This did not happen here, but I do not want to put my head on the chopping block again.It was so much easier in denail because I just kept thinking that they would find what was wrong with me and fix it.Last week I got a firm diagnosis by a cfs/fibro specialist and he was honest and said that this is a very slow process and just laid it all out there.He told me his studies and experience with how many years I was looking at from the leval I am at.I am glad he gave me the good with the bad.He also told me some very encouraging stories but I can not get past the bad.I know I have to have a good attitude and he said the morbidally depressed would never get well.He said I had a very good attitude,I did intil it all sunk in!I thought all these feelings I am having were part of acceptance.We are all at different stages in our illness and I am sure when you are being very positive [and that is very hard work]that it is very annoying to hear somebody be so NEGATIVE.I was hoping to connect with someone at my leval.I had withdrawled from freinds already because I got tired of getting my feelings hurt and they are so uncomfortable when I talk about it.I constantly feel like I need to protect myself,it is hard enough being housebound and when I get my feelings hurt I just do not feel like I can take it anymore!I think that I have the right to greive over losing me.I am desperate and this is my last attempt to reach out.Am I the only one that feels like this is not much of a life?I had been very positive for a year.I spent my whole life trying to stay away from unhappy negative people.Oh,I would try to rescue them a few times first.Now I am one of them!!!I need a break from myself.I MISS ME!!!Advise I can handle,coping tips etc.But please do not critize me.I am running out of places to hide.Love,Tracey
  3. Cheka

    Cheka New Member

    Welcome to the board!!! In my opinion, I believe it is vital to greive over losing "you". It was the only way I could move ahead? Please don't forget, that while there is an "old you" that you greive for now, there is a "new you" just around the corner. You get to decide who your "new you" will be. Coming to terms (if there really is such a thing) with these DD's is a long, hard, ongoing, tiring process. Eventually you will come to the realization that you can only deal with it day by day because you never know what tomorrow will bring. But for now, grieve, for you HAVE lost the person you were. We all have.
    Do what you must, know that we're here for you and God Bless.
    Love,
    Debbie
  4. kitkat623

    kitkat623 New Member

    Dear Tracey, What you are feeling is very natural. You are not the person you once were, and you are in some degree of mourning for the person that you have lost. I've been diagnosed with this fibro thing for four years, and I still struggle with the changes it has brought to me. Part of all of this seems to be the high expectations that we women always place upon ourselves. We feel that we should not dare to have needs of our own because we should always be there to see that others are cared for first. There is also the difficulty of getting others to see this as a real illness and not just something in our own heads. The good news is that you will have some good days as well as some tough ones. Also there are lots of people searching for a cure. The people on this board are very willing to provide support to each other. There are some folks with lots of information to share. Please know that Sunday is a slow day on the board. Don't give up! You will be hearing from others. Take care, Kathy
  5. stix

    stix New Member

    I don't know you, but I understand your feelings. I have come almost full circle in my grieving process, but it has been long in coming. We all have a snapshot of ourselves in our own minds and heart of who we are and what we are capable of. It is made up of all of our dreams, aspirations, past experiences and self-esteem. When illness or disability interferes with that "picture" of ourselves, we feel lost. As if we have lost ourselves. Grieve for that.

    Then ease yourself out of that pain a little bit day to day. Start a journal by writing out all of your anger and pain. Then continue that journal daily with a minimum of what you like about yourself and what you are grateful for each day. That's only two sentences a day. If you feel like writing more -- great! You'll be surprised at how it helps re-build that picture in your mind. You are not gone--you are just different than you used to be.

    It's not what we get dealt in life that matters. It's only how we choose to deal with it that is important. I feel your pain and I truly hope that with time you also will get through the grieving process, although sometimes it takes longer than what we would expect.

    Best wishes and I hope your spirits will be lifted soon.

    Joy
  6. Deana

    Deana Guest

    Tracey,
    I can totally relate to you.
    Everyday is constant reminder that I/we have this and it hard to be positive all the time.
    For me the worst thing is I have worked since 16 now 41 and not being able to work bothers me. Its hard my husband works and I feel I dont contribute enough he pretends its not a big deal (oh if you cant you cant) but we hit rock bottom over all this he lost his new truck and bills all behind . Now we manage money better and are doing better but I still dont work and its a never ending cycle.

    Enough about all that sorry vented in your space.
    All I can truly tell you is your the same inner person that you always were but now you just have different things to deal with its like down trading.

    I hope you geet out of this state Im still trying and I know others faced with these problems go thru it too.
    Lots of better days coming your way,
    Deana
  7. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    Everyone of us go through the grieving period with these illnesses.

    We all finally come to the conclusion that we have a new and different life than before.

    I have Fibro for 20 years, I had been through the denial stage for a lot of those years, I was an active, do it myself kind of person all my life.

    But about eight years ago, I realized that I was fighting a losing battle. All I was doing was hurting myself more and more by trying to ignore the pain, fatigue, etc.

    I read a book, and it changed my attitude about ME. I am the same person, but I simply have to live differently!

    After you pass the grieving, then you need to realize you must put yourself and your health first. Thats when I started to feel a whole lot better, mentally and physically.

    The first thing I started doing was getting rid of negative people in my life, yes, it cost me to live in a rather isolated way, but after a few years of this, I now enjoy my solitude and peace of mind.

    Then I got the computer, and found this board by ordering from Pro Health supplements. This board has been a life saver for me.

    I have come to, at the least 80% better health wise, than I have been in the twenty years of Fibro.

    I now have less pain, sleep wonderfully (thanks to another member (Mel), who persisted that I try ZMA), have control over my sinus, IBS, etc.

    You have an honest doctor, sometimes you have to be harsh in order to be kind in the long run.

    These illnesses are boggling the minds of the greatest medical professionals. Here, on this board we are helping one another cope with the everyday living of this.

    You do all the grieving, complaining, crying, that is necessary for you to get to the place you need to be. It all goes with the terrority.

    Hopefully they will fine the cause of this, and then the cure soon.

    You take care, and we are all here for you whenever you need us.

    Shalom,Shirl

  8. MicheleF

    MicheleF New Member

    I think you need to be a little easier on yourself...it's only been a week since you found out, so it's only natural to have these feelings of grief & negativity. All of us have pity parties, as you put it, once in a while. I'm sure that the positive person you sound like you were will come out again...the journal idea was a great idea. (I type my thoughts usually, though keep a pad by my bed just in case).

    I've come on this board since August, and have made many comments of how I try to have a positive attitude. There are days that I fail miserably, but eventually I get myself back on track and I'm sure you will too. I was very upset when my thyroid test came back fine...more than fine he said...I too had secretly been hoping that I'd be told this is what you have, take this pill, you'll be better within 2 weeks. I cried my eyes out at the dr's "good news".

    Have you changed meds lately? I saw the meds from your profile, wondered if something new was added that's making it harder for you to deal with things?

    I know what you mean about finding people on "your level", but I also find it helps me to find people who were on my level and have been able to move beyond that. The stories of some of these members have given me hope, something I wasn't sure was possible when I was struggling to find a doctor to believe I was ill.

    You are definitely not alone, out of all the boards I've checked out, this is by far the most supportive & pos. one, even though there's been some changes here. It's also a pretty active board, compared to some. Fibrofog kicked in..can't remember if someone told you of the other message boards, like the chit chat, worshipper's, & depression boards...you can click on message boards in the middle up top.

    Best of wishes for you, hang in there, and keep us posted on how you're doing. Michele

  9. Allen2

    Allen2 New Member

    at this stage of the game it would be inappropriate for you not to grieve. You have experienced a great loss and those of us who are "getting over the loss" took awhile to recover. Recovery doesn't mean you will never look back with melancholy or anger ever again: you will feel better and perhaps always have an emotional scar that once in a while pains you. My wife was killed in a car crash yrs ago. Now I am happily married to a wonderful spouse of 11 yrs. Once in awhile a song I hear or something one of my kids say brings back a memory, a hollow and hurting feeling--it doesn't stay tho. I know you will be better. May our merciful God give you much grace. Al
  10. TiredbutWired

    TiredbutWired New Member

    Hi,Thank you so much and you are so right.A couple a days I was thinking okay Why did this pick me?There must be some reason and I am going to be valuable because of it.When I asked my Dr. why this happened he went over some of the reasons that they have seen in research and then he said this darn thing just picked you!It has stuck in my head .Thanks again,Tracey
  11. TiredbutWired

    TiredbutWired New Member

    Intil this last week I could take care of myself.I could not do much else but I could make my own soup etc.My husband has had to do many things and we have my mom that comes and cleans the house.But I have encouraged him to live his life and he does.I did not need him to care for me and at least I had that .Take care,Tracey
  12. TiredbutWired

    TiredbutWired New Member

    Joy,I could not get this kind of advise if I payed for it.Just a few days ago I started writing to myself on the email.I thought it was kind of weird but it has become a journal now and I include symptoms.I do feel better to get them out I do not know what it is going to feel like when i read them later but hopefully I will be able to look back and see improvement.Thanks,Tracey
  13. TiredbutWired

    TiredbutWired New Member

    IT IS NICE TO KNOW THAT i AM NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS FELT LIKE THIS.i ALWAYS GO THROUGH THE WELL IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE AND THINK ABOUT HOW I AM LUCKY.THANK YOU,TRACEY
  14. totteacher

    totteacher New Member

    Welcome to the board. You really got some good advice and I'm glad it has helped. Yes, I have done some grieving over the fibro I have too. I am now at the point where I'm researching and trying to decide what else I want to try to improve how I feel. When I found this board, I was thrilled to learn that I could actually make choices and do more for myself than I was. My doctor had hardly told me anything about FM and had just handed me a prescription. Glad you reached out. There are many caring people here who will reach back to you.


    In friendship, Linda
  15. TiredbutWired

    TiredbutWired New Member

    Michele,thank you and yes I am on many new meds.I am looking them up because I have never felt like this but then again I was in shock for him to really say that I had this THING!!I new I was very ill but I did not think I was as sick as others and to hear the doctor tell me it floored me.For a couple of days I was happy because I got so many of my questions answered.Take Care,Tracey
  16. TiredbutWired

    TiredbutWired New Member

    That was beautiful, Thank you so much for sharing that.It really helps a lot.I do not know what else to say except that really touched me.God Bless,Tracey
  17. TiredbutWired

    TiredbutWired New Member

    Everyone is so nice and helpful.I am glad I took a leap and reached out.I can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.I think if I can just get my heart to stop hurting and be able to stand up without feeling like I am going down,Things will be much easier.I am on Atenol and I do not really understand but I had a tilt table test and it was horrible.I do not ever want to experence that again.Tracey
  18. TiredbutWired

    TiredbutWired New Member

    Thank you so much I need a break I am getting brain overload.Tracey
  19. PMangels

    PMangels New Member

    Bless you. Yes it is okay to grieve over what you have lost. It is part of the process for all of us. It hurts when we finally realize that we are not the same people we use to be. It hurts to say "no" I can't do it. That was so hard for me. Then we have to except what we have left and run with it. We will have bad days and we will have good days. The one thing that helps us all through this is to be around and talk to people who are positive and will support us. I am finding there are so many good people here who will help you. Sometimes I am just in tears to see some of the compassion that is shown here. And that is what people should be doing. May God bless you and may you start to feel better.

    ((((((((A BIG HUG FOR YOU))))))))

    Arlene
    [This Message was Edited on 08/25/2002]
  20. BlueMoon

    BlueMoon New Member

    I keep repetting Myself that I have lost My whole summer this year! I keep telling My hubby that I did not get to do ANYTHING I wanted to do this summer. He keeps telling me that it's ok to feel angry that I have lost time. It's normal to be upset that I have lost time & did not get to do anything we had planned to do this summer. The only thing that has kept Me going for the last 4 months of My flare up is, That after having this DD for so many years, I know there will be a Remission. Not sure when, but I know it will come! It always have in the past. My hubby is very suportive & he reassures Me that this too shall pass & he is here with Me on Good days & Bad days. So please don't try to hide, live whatever life you have right now. Savuor the good mins. you have. There may only be a few in each day right now. They are your only good times & you need to have them! Ex. I woke up this morning & felt a little better, (better then what I don't know)but I thought I would go with My hubby to do the food shopping this week.
    (have not been out much at all in 4 months) So I gatherd up all My strangth & went with him. I had to stop so many times, I was dizzy & disoreanted. He stood with Me till I was ready to move on. I made it through about 3/4 of the store, then had had enough! I went out to the van to lay down till he was done! I came home & slept for 6 hours after that! WOW That was My big outting in 4 months! Kinda sad, but kinda happy I got to do something.
    So, We are all right there with you! Keep looking for the good mins, not for good days but, good mins. They are just as important! God Bless,

    Robin