Is this mean of me??

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Iamnotmyillness, Apr 25, 2007.

  1. Iamnotmyillness

    Iamnotmyillness New Member

    There is a woman I know (I know her husband better) who recently got her disability. She works 3 days a week under the table providing light elder care and she walks two times a day for about 30 minutes each session. Every time I see her she is going somewhere, her hair and makeup are perfectly done, and her husband tells me she cooks pretty much every night. When I said to her hubby, "that's great!! maybe she will be able to return to work someday" he said no because she still has to take a three hour nap each evening.

    Is this mean of me to wonder how the hell she got disability?? Is this nothing more than petty jealousy? I just know that it takes me sometimes an hour just to vacuum a room because I keep having to stop to rest and yet I am still waiting to get before a judge, and even then it wont be easy because I am only 40. I rarely do my hair and makeup because its takes too much energy. And I cant even tell you the last time I went somewhere just for fun, let alone on a regular basis. Why does this picture just seem so wrong to me.
  2. FMsolider

    FMsolider New Member

    no it is not mean of you. < something wrong with computer can't use caps..> just keep in mind a lot of us put on a brave face - self inculded. we all have different prirotities as well. i never ever let anyone besides hubby see my bad days ...i can fake well for hours and then crash. she may be trully sick...ya never know what happens behide closed doors. i understand your frustration too. we are all entilled to a moment of jeolosy and anger. i hope you get your well deserved disabillity...and wish you a pain free night.
  3. Didoe

    Didoe New Member

    Before you eat yourself up, dont believe what anyone tells you as the reason they got disability...except maybe the anonymous but mostly compassionate people who come to this board.

    She may well have a mental illness that qualified her for disability. We dont know what goes on inside anyone elses four walls even when things look great on the outside.
    What you see is not always what's going on.
  4. jaariel35

    jaariel35 New Member

    Mean? Not so much mean as just plain frustrated. Things are often not as they appear. I know that like many, I can pull myself together and look/act/talk "normal" for several hours if need be. Not on a regular basis, but from time to time. So maybe she is doing the same. We just don't know what goes on behind closed doors. But I hear the frustration you are feeling, waiting as you are for your hearing. I wish you good luck and good days.
  5. Iamnotmyillness

    Iamnotmyillness New Member

    Actually I know it was for FM because her husband wanted me to meet her so that we could talk about our mutual experiences.

    I think she was much sicker back when this started, but she seems to be much better now. I guess maybe she is afraid to give it up in case she gets worse. The thing that really irked me too was that she started extolling the virtues of walking and telling me I should do that now that the weather is better. I reminded her that I am on ZERO pain meds aside from my lidocaine patches because until I can afford to monitor the effects, my doctor is reluctant to put me on anything stronger than flexeril and ibuprofen. So when she gets home from walking she can pop a vicoden, I cant.
  6. Adl123

    Adl123 New Member

    Hi,
    You didn't say why she is on disability. It could be for another condition. I don't think you're being mean, but we are all affected differently.

    I qualified for disability and , while I can only walk for about 100 feet, and have cut my hair short so I don't' have to blow dry it, still, I do put some make up on when I go out, and I try to look nice. There is no way I could take care of someone else, or cook every nght, washing pots and dishes, but then I have ME and Fibro and RA and 14 other things. She could be on disability for a phychological condition.

    Of course, she shouldn'tbe working under the table. Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!

    Hugs,
    Terry

  7. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    I do not think it is mean of you at all....and I can certainky see how you would have questions about her getting disability......

    A good friend of mine who also has fm/cfids were talking one day ( she is on SS ) and she told me that sometimes she "does' feel guilty for being on SS because not every day she feels rotten.......

    When she told me this I said back to her " well that's just the problem with this dd........we never know when it is going to take us DOWN!

    Iam thinking that is probably what is going on with your neighbor......maybe it takes every bit of her energy to do the things she is capable of doing and then CRASHES?

    Iam sure there are a lot of people that are on SS that CAN do a lot of things.....but what do we do when all of a sudden we FALL VICTIM to our dd and it takes us down for sometimes DAYS?

    You know her best because you see her and talk to her ....so maybe you are seeing something we can't but honestly I wouldn't beat yourself up for feeling upset that she can do all of these things you can't and gets SS !

    Bottom line what I think here is that if SHE can get SS then I definatly think YOU should be able to get it because it sounds to me like you are much more limited than she is!

    Hugs
    Doxy
  8. Iamnotmyillness

    Iamnotmyillness New Member

    Thanks doxy, that is a good way to look at it. Maybe thats a good omen that I will also qualify. I am currently living with my mother, who is one of the worst people I have ever met (not joking here either) I just want out so badly and I am frustrated that it is taken so long.

    But the working under the table thing does bug me, especially since her husband has an income.
  9. happycanuk

    happycanuk New Member

    You have FM and you know that it can strike at any given time. You don't live with her, and you don't know how well she does. Perhaps that is all she does. Keeping your mind occupied helps relieve pain for a lot of people. I sure wouldn't judge her, and I think I would be happy that somebody who has this DD got some help.

    You CANNOT tell by looking at somebody how they are doing, or what is wrong with them. If she rests every evening for 3 hours, then this is what she has determined is needed to keep her going. Eventually we find a way to keep on going, but it takes persistence.
  10. Iamnotmyillness

    Iamnotmyillness New Member

    I do understand, dont get me wrong, but I also know that I could not work 3 days a week on a regular schedule taking care of someone else. Heck, I can barely take care of myself.

    Obviously she is better than the regulations allow or she wouldnt be doing stuff off the books. And my concern is that people who arent as sick as the rest of us make it harder for real cases to get through.
  11. Rafiki

    Rafiki New Member

    Living on disability is very hard and I'm sure that many simply must have some extra income or become homeless, hungry and disabled. However, if that is not the case, working and not claiming your income is simply not right.

    You are also right to wonder if she is simply afraid of losing her disability entitlement if she reports her income. She may be concerned that she will not be successful in regaining it if she cannot work again.

    I'm sure that you would have felt totally ok about this if she said to you: I feel like I can work now - we really need the money or we'll lose our house - and I'm so grateful to be feeling better but I'm really scared that if it doesn't last, I won't get my disability back; I sure don't feel good about it, though.

    Maybe she feels that way and just isn't telling you.

    I think topping it all off with: you should try walking really sealed the deal.

    I think your feelings are quite normal. You probably do envy her, who wouldn't... she's safely on disability, has a spouse, is feeling better than you are and is enjoying extra income from the same source you hope to access. But, these feelings are not helping you so you would be wise not to dwell on her too much. Let her do what feels right to her and you follow your own conscience.

    You'll feel much better when you just let it go. Let Karma take care of the rest.

    peace out!
    Rafiki
  12. Iamnotmyillness

    Iamnotmyillness New Member

    True Raf

    Its really only on my mind today because I just saw her and had the walking conversation. First I was annoyed, then I felt guilty about feeling annoyed LOL. UGGGH.
  13. Engel

    Engel New Member

    I just hate when people say ... "I have fibromyalgia too" and they are doing all kinds of things and I can barely get out of a recliner. I am wondering how she got disability too????????? I thought they "spied on you" to see if you were really disabled? I can't clean my house let alone take 30 minute walks.
  14. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    No, I was even kind of aggravated at my own brother. His claim breezed through in 6-8 weeks. Now he is applying for VA disability in addition. On top of that,he collected temporary AND permanent disability for 10 months. The temporary was from the state. Weird, I can't believe they do that. He was raking in over $3,000 month. (he did not have attorney).

    I AM happy for him, but at the same time, I see others who seem so genuinely sick, being denied. I don't understand.

    I know when they determine your eligibility, one consideration is the type of work your were normally doing. They have to decide if you are able to do that work. My brother was driving a truck and delivering heavy boxes.

    My brother does have a serious, progressive medical condition and it also worried me he was approved so fast. I believe it is stenosis of the cervical spine with numbness/weakness in arms.

    Maybe I am petty also, I don't know. Oh also, I read the website on disability and you can work and make a certain amount of extra money - don't remember the amount.
    [This Message was Edited on 04/26/2007]
  15. clerty

    clerty New Member

    I dont blame you one bit but you know as well as anyone on this board we can go through periods of illness and periods of wellnwess so perhaps she is doing ok at the moment My aunt gets disability for her M.e and I would say I was worse than her she played up a bit to get this benefit I was turned down so I was angry so a see where you are coming from annoying !!!!

    Clertyx
  16. suzetal

    suzetal New Member

    BUT I do NOT approve of her working under the table.She is allowed to make so much while on SS so why not claim it.

    If she is making over the amount allowed than she needs to cut back her hours.Or maybe get off SS.

    I do not like it when people cheat the system.Thats why it makes it hard for us to get what we need from the system.Its the people who cheat the system that makes it that way.

    No your not mean and neither am I.Whats right is right whats wrong is just plain wrong.
    Sue
  17. janie056

    janie056 New Member

    We are all different with our illness.
    Who are any of us to judge?

    Good luck to you,

    Jane
  18. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    It reminds me of when I was in art school, and another student was collecting more financial aid than any of the rest of us, while dealing drugs and making a fortune. He had a killer apartment, no shortage of cash, and an uncle who was a judge who could get him out of most scrapes with the law. The rest of us could barely afford our art supplies and were just squeaking by to pay our tuition, had loans, etc.

    Doesn't seem fair, does it? But cooler heads here have also reminded us that this IS an invisible illness, we have no idea how much this woman suffers even if it doesn't show on the surface.

    Oh, by the way, my art school "friend" eventually ended up spending several years in Dannemora prison. Even his uncle couldn't get him off. We all cheered at the time...

    Hugs,
    Pam
  19. momof471

    momof471 New Member

    to get things done for my hubby and kids go to church ocasionally, get to my doctor appointments, go to the Y some. Does this mean I am not disabled? No. I let lots of things go and my husband is working two jobs until I get SSDI so I don't have to work, this decision did not come lightly. These are things I have to do and I frequently crash and need my 2 hour(sometimes more) naps daily. I couldn't handle work. Most people with disabilities are encouraged to excercise lightly if you can. Some people can't do this, unfortunately there are people that can't get out of bed, but does this make me any less disabled. No. I am still disabled, although I count my blessing every time I do what I can do, as much as I gripe it could be much worse.

    God Bless