IS THIS MY FAULT? AM I TOO SENSITIVE??

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by ckk, Oct 18, 2005.

  1. ckk

    ckk New Member

    HI GUYS, HERE IS THE STORY THAT I HAD ERASED A FEW WEEKS AGO, OK, I THOUGHT I COULD DEAL WITH THIS ON MY OWN AND I CAN'T, IT IS JUST REALLY EATING AWAY AT ME. I HAVE A VERY CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE, WHO HAS A 1YR OLD WHO I ALWAYS WATCHED WHILE MY FRIEND WENT TO WORK, (I DID THIS FOR FREE) I ALSO DID A BUNCH OF THINGS FOR MY FRIEND ALL THE TIME. BUT I FIGURED HEY SHE'S MY FRIEND. ANYWAY, CUT TO- MY FRIEND IS ALSO PREGNANT AGAIN, GOES INTO PRETERM LABOR AND HAS TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL FOR 2 WEEKS. GUESS WHO WATCHES HER 1 YR OLD THE WHOLE TIME, PLUS MY 2 CHILDREN PLUS HER 2 STEP CHILDREN WHEN IT IS THEIR TIME FOR THEM. ME. NO PROBLEM. AGAIN, THEY ARE MY FRIENDS, AND I DID IT HAPPILY.

    SHE HAS THE BABY-HEALTHY AND MAKES ME THE GODMOTHER-YEAH!!!!! THE HUSBAND (WHICH MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN FRIENDS WITH FOR YEARS) CALLS AND SAYS COME ON OVER TO SEE THE BABY WE ARE HOME. OK, WE GO OVER, AND I JUST FELT A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE. NOT REALLY WELCOME. I WASN'T REALLY ALLOWED TO HOLD THE BABY. MY FRIEND SEEMED DISTANT, SHE DIDN'T REALLY LET ME HOLD THE 1 YR OLD EITHER, I DON'T KNOW I JUST DIDN'T FEEL LIKE THEY WANTED US THERE. SO, AFTER I MADE THEM DINNER, WE LEFT.

    I DIDN'T CALL FOR A WEEK, I HAD FAMILY THINGS GOING ON WHICH SHE KNEW ABOUT,AND DIDN'T CALL WHICH UPSET ME, AND FINALLY SHE FOUND OUT THAT I JUST DIDN'T FEEL WELCOME THERE AT HER HOUSE. I WAS JUST A LITTLE SAD. NOT REALLY THAT BIG OF A DEAL, JUST A LITTLE SAD, WELL........SHE SAID WENT INTO A TIRANT! THAT'S BULLS#@@! I NEVER DID THAT WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS? WHY WOULD I DO THAT? AND NOW, THAT WAS ALMOST 2 MONTHS AGO, AND SHE STILL WILL NOT TALK TO ME.

    I TRIED EMAILIMG HER 3 TIMES, WHY? I AM NOT REALLY SURE TO BE HONEST WITH YOU. AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED, I AM NOT IN THE WRONG. I JUST FELT A LITTLE UNWELCOME AND SHE FREAKED OUT! I TRIED EXPLAINING TO HER THAT I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE ACTING THAT WAY AND MAYBE SHE WAS JUST TIRED, AND DIDN'T REALIZE IT AND SHE SAID FU I DIDN'T DO THAT AND BLAH BLAH, I MEAN SHE REALLY FREAKED, LIKE SOMETHING IS ALMOST WRONG WITH HER. AFTER EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE FOR THAT FAMILY, IT HURTS SO MUCH AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

    SOMETIMES I THINK WELL, SHE'S A WACKO, SO LEAVE HER ALONE, OTHER TIMES I'M LIKE MAYBE SOMETHING IS REALLY WRONG AND MAYBE SHE NEEDS HELP. BUT SHE WON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME. SHE CAN NEVER BE WRONG. OH, I HAVE SPOKE TO HER HUSBAND AND HE THINKS SHE IS TOTALLY WRONG AND IS REALLY MAD AT HER FOR ACTING THIS WAY. HE SAYS I AM NOT IN THE WRONG AT ALL AND SHE JUST CAN'T EVER BE WRONG. SO I GUESS MY QUESTION TO YOU GUYS IS, HOW SHOULD I HANDLE THIS? SHOULD I JUST LET IT GO AND FORGET ABOUT HER? I WILL NOT CALL HER SO THAT IS NOT AN OPTION.

    ANY SUGGESTIONS? SORRY SO LONG. I HOPE THIS ISN'T TO CONFUSING. THANKS GUYS.
    CKK
  2. elsa

    elsa New Member

    This is hard for you I know. I wish I had brillant words to make things easier.


    With my friends and sisters I always gave them a "hall pass" for about 4 to 6 months. Hormones are raging, their bodies had been in a war zone and they were totally exhausted.

    I not only didn't hold them responsible, I felt bad for them.

    As for emailing and not getting a response, there isn't anything you can do. You can't make someone respond, you can only do want you can on your side of things.

    Just by reading this post, it seems you have in you mind, that you are dealing with someone "normal", not fresh out
    of delivery. Maybe the husband agrees and under normal circumstances her behavior would be rude, but 36 hours after delivery deserves some slack.

    I guess decide how important the friendship is to you ...
    If it's worth saving, then give her an "out".

    Elsa
  3. nanna4550

    nanna4550 New Member

    I'm sorry to hear about your friend. It does sound like she is having some emotional problems and you have gone beyond the call of friendship with her. I know how hard it is to let people go as friends. Friendship and phonecalls go both ways. You can't always be the one who gives, takes the initiative, etc. If she's a true friend, she'll come around, if not, there are plenty of people who would love to have a friend like you.
    She has treated you horribly, just try to forgive her
    (not for her, but for your peace).
    Hugs, Nanna
  4. jennypee

    jennypee New Member

    I agree with Butzie-- it sounds like post-partum depression.

    I'd be really hurt by what happened, and I'd have a hard time forgiving and forgetting. However, that's exactly what I'd do.

    If it were me and I wanted to keep the friendship, I'd just write to her, tell her I thought we must have had a misunderstanding, explain that I love her and would like to forget all about it.

    Why lose a good friend over something that she may not be able to help?

    I doubt she wants to lose you either-- you sound like a really great friend.

    Good luck!

  5. FibroJo

    FibroJo New Member

    Post partum depression....That is what it sounds like to me. Obviously if she asked you to be a Godmother to her child she thinks the world of you. Try not to force things , just give her some time and I am sure she will come around. Good friendship doesn't just die over one misunderstanding.
    [This Message was Edited on 10/19/2005]
  6. rileyearl

    rileyearl New Member

    Maybe you are sensitive, but that's a good thing in my book.

    You know what it sounds like to me? She is afraid all of a sudden that fibro is contagious. Maybe she heard something in the hospital or something. Maybe it's some paranoia side effect of a pp depression.

    It's very sad to have a friend go whacko on you. It's happened to me before. I think someone else said that if you want to continue the friendship, it will be up to you to make the first move. She has pride or illness in the way on her side. It's also a choice not to do anything right now and see what happens. You can decide later. I'm sorry you have this weighing so heavily on you.

    Hug your own kids and make some Halloween decorations or something with them. Treasure what you do have. And let us know how you're feeling.

    Love,

    Francie
  7. ckk

    ckk New Member

    thank you guys for all your advice and support. i really appreciate it. the one problem is, is that i did write to her 3x already and told her it must be a misunderstanding. so, i will listen to you and let it be. i am torn between what everyone is saying i am really really mad sometimes and then i get really worried 'cause i think nobody could get this way over something soooo stupid! so, thanks for your support and i will let you guys know how this is unfolding.
    ckk
  8. Rosiebud

    Rosiebud New Member

    you didnt feel welcome and 'after I made them dinner, we left'.

    And you feel bad? I'm sorry there is no excuse for rudeness, for being so ungracious.

    I dont care if your friend feels down, look what you are dealing with, would you treat her like that??

    No, you make her and her family dinner.

    I wouldnt call her, I wouldnt email her, I would leave her to it. She owes you a huge apology and if it doesnt come then you're better off without her.

    I had a friend like that, no matter what I did, she found a way to make me feel bad for something. After 11 years I stopped our relationship, she was bad for me.

    Dont you feel bad about this, you've acted as a friend should.


    love
    Rosie
  9. shelbo

    shelbo New Member

    Could your friend maybe have some sort of post-natal depression?

    And the way she didn't want you holding her 1 year old and new born make me think that maybe some one has made a comment about her abilities as a mother?

    I don't know what to say other than you have been a good friend and don't deserve this...how about putting a little distance between you and seeing if she calls you?

    Or, if you can, write her a letter? Love Shelbo
  10. ckk

    ckk New Member

    i gotta tell you that is exactly how i feel! you and a few others have said that. the majority of the time that is what i am feeling and then somone (like on these boards) mention postpartum depression and i start to feel bad. my girlfriend had that and she said that if anything all she did was cry, but she would never treat a friend that way. so, that is why i am so confused. i am also so upset about her kids. i fell in love with her daughter, and i know that now i certainly won't be the boys godmother and that really makes me sad. anyway, thank you so much for your input it means such a great deal you have no idea.
    ckk
  11. CarolK

    CarolK New Member

    FIRST OF ALL...NO!! I do not think you are being too sensitive!! You have been a caring, loving and giving friend who has gone beyond the call of duty within your friendship!! You have tried to help and support a friend you care deeply about.... that is why you are so hurt and frustrated... because you CARE!!

    SECOND... I have learned over the years, dealing with friends and family who have "hair trigger emotions"... that you should step back and give them some space. She may be very hormonal at this point and just need some time to rethink things. So she probably needs some space. In time she may change her attitude... especially if she has not exhibited this kind of behavior in the past.

    SO WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE MEANTIME TO HANDLE YOUR HURT HEART... FORGIVE HER!! YEP, THAT'S RIGHT... FORGIVE HER!! EVEN IF YOU ARE 100% RIGHT!! FORGIVENESS IS THE KEY TO GETTING YOUR OWN HURT HEART HEALED!! I KNOW THIS FROM YEARS AND YEARS OF HURT FEELINGS FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILY!!!!! I have learned some very hard lessons over the years by NOT forgiving those who have hurt and offended me!!

    It took me a very long time to learn the lesson that THE SOONER I FORGIVE THOSE WHO HAVE HURT ME... THE SOONER I GET HEALED AND AM ABLE TO MOVE ON IN MY LIFE!! BITTERNESS AND UNFORGIVENESS ONLY HURT YOU!!! THE LONGER YOU HOLD ONTO IT... THE MORE IT HURTS!!

    I don't know how old you are CKK, but learn this lesson now... UNFORGIVENESS CAUSES US PAIN AND PUTS US INTO A MENTAL BONDAGE UNTIL WE LET GO OF IT!! I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE CAUSE I SUFFERED NEEDLESSLY FOR YEARS BECAUSE I WOULD NOT LET GO OF THE OFFENSES OTHERS CAUSED ME.

    NOW I TRY TO LIVE MY LIFE KEEPING VERY SHORT ACCOUNTS OF THE WRONGS OTHERS HAVE COMMITTED AGAINST ME!! I TRY TO LIVE IN "INSTANT FORGIVENESS"!!

    KNOW THIS TOO... FORGIVENESS IS A DECISION... NOT A FEELING!!!!!! IF I WAITED UNTIL I "FELT" LIKE FORGIVING... WELL I JUST WOULD NEVER DO IT. BUT IF I CHOOSE TO FORGIVE... THEN MY FEELINGS LINE UP WITH MY CHOICES!!

    Think of it this way CKK... it's like a train locomotive...wherever the engine goes... the cars follow. Meaning... whenever you CHOOSE to forgive... then your feelings will follow! THIS WORKS EVERY TIME I DO IT!

    Then I am back in a place of peace and calm... then I am back in control instead of my emotions, instead of my emotions controlling me!!

    This is what I would do if I were you..
    Send her one last email... tell her you are sorry if you hurt or offended her in anyway. Ask her to forgive you... and if she wants to continue the friendship that you are still there for her.

    But if she chooses to end it... well then just move on in your life and DON'T CARRY THE GUILT OR CONDEMNATION OF IT!! JUST MOVE ON IN YOUR LIFE AND TRUST THAT YOU WILL ONCE AGAIN HAVE A FRIEND OF THE HEART!

    HOPE THIS HELPS.... BLESSINGS.... CAROLK

    PS... Remember this too CKK.. I am not on this Earth to live up to others expectations of me!! I do the best I can but I refuse to live my life trying to live up to what others expect of me!! I know that I am a flawed human being and that I will disappoint others... and likewise, others will fall short of my expectations too. What a waste of life when we live our lives contantly trying to please others... it is not possible!! So live, love and forgive and do the best you can... above all, ENJOY THE GIFT OF LIFE THAT HAS BEEN GIVEN YOU!!
    [This Message was Edited on 10/19/2005]
  12. CarolK

    CarolK New Member

    OH ANOTHER THING I MEANT TO SAY IN MY ABOVE POST....

    YOU SOUND LIKE A FRIEND THAT I WOULD BE PROUD TO HAVE!!

    PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK FOR BEING SUCH A GOOD FRIEND TO OTHERS.... AND IF THEY DO NOT APPRECIATE YOU... WELL MOVE ON TO SOMEONE WHO WILL CHERISH YOUR FRIENDSHIP!!

    HOPEFULLY IN TIME YOUR FRIEND WILL WAKE UP AND REALIZE THE RARE JEWEL SHE HAS IN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    HUGS AND BLESSINGS TO YOU CKK!!

    CarolK
  13. Empower

    Empower New Member

    I agree, could be post-partum depression
  14. susiny1

    susiny1 New Member

    Hi, I read your letter and I also had a 'friend ' like her . I finally said one day I can't be friends with you anymore your to much and everything is always one sided hers .that was 10 years ago and I never was sorry for doing it. Don't feel guilty. best luck, susi
  15. jake123

    jake123 New Member

    she's responsible for four kids. That can be overwhelming. I had two of my own and two stepchildren who had never been told no in their lives. It was very difficult at first and I insisted on family counseling. My kids were ok about going and the stepkids were rude as all get out to the counselor. Today they are grown up and have kids of their own and we all get along just fine. I thought the day would never come. She may be feeling the same way.
  16. LollieBoo

    LollieBoo New Member

    Why didn't the stepkids just stay with the other custodial parent? Were the kids only with you for short times while daddy visited mama and baby in the hospital, or were they there long hours? If so, that in and of itself seems like an imposition to me. Not that it really matters, because the rest of the story outweighed that one minor part.

    So this is what I really wanted to say:

    Years ago, I had a problem pregnancy, and upon termination, my HcG levels were very high. My midwife warned myself and DH that it made me more susceptible to postpartum problems. A pregnancy naturally fluctuates the levels of hormones in the body, rising, then falling in preparation for birth. If her pregnancy was cut short while hormones were peaking yet, it could be that she too, would face the "hormone shock" of dropping hormone levels from a high amount so suddenly. I don't know the physiology involved in an early delivery per se, just offering it as an option. If so, it also increases the odds of a woman developing postpartum psychosis. This is a medical condition caused by hormones. Not that a woman "flipped out" or "went crazy", but that the body went into a state of shock, and in an effort to balance things back out, a wild frenzy of biochemical and hormonal activity ensues.

    Postpartum Psychosis can happen in a normal pregnancy and birth as well, but in a traumatic birth, the risk is greater, and your friend and her husband should be made aware. Obviously, this is a delicate situation, for which I have NO ideas to offer you as far as presentation to your friend. I made it easier on my husband (and maybe a few caring friends!), by refusing to get out of the car at my follow-up appt, where my DH went in and informed the midwife privately of my erratic behaviors. Midwife came out to the car to talk to me (!), and I let her and the whole world have it. As I calmed down, I was able to admit that I had felt very out of control and was quite frightened of my own thoughts and actions. I had severe anxiety attacks, but when I would try to retreat, say, to the bedroom, the walls would actually move. Seriously. I also swore I heard people talking quite often when it was dead quiet. Thankfully, I was aware enough to know that it wasn't me... I was put on antipsychotic meds for a very short time, as my hormones balanced back out.

    Now, as far as your friend. It could be that DH had reported back to her, in an effort to relieve her worries, that the kids were happy and well-cared for, that he was maybe even impressed with how you juggled that houseful, or any number of things. That could have triggered any number of insecurities; unfortunately, she took it out on you. As a friend, though, and someone who loves her children enough to be their godparent, it is sort of a good thing that she chose you to blame for her insecurity and not her husband. Who knows what might have happened if her anger and impulsiveness were directed at the father of those children. Perhaps you have just sacrificed your feelings for the sake of their marriage. Hopefully, you will remain open to forgiving her for as long as it takes for her to come around.

    By the way- after my problem pregnancy, I was completely bedridden. Who knows what my house looked like, with my DH and then-6-year-old son at the helm! Even though I could not get out of bed, I was ashamed at how my house looked! My MIL, probably knowing from experience my hubby's lack of tidiness, and wanting to make sure that I didn't have to face a disaster area when I was able to get out of bed, came over one afternoon and started washing up dishes in the kitchen. I had been sleeping, but it woke me up. I chuckle now, because I KNEW it couldn't be my DH running water in the kitchen sink and stacking dishes! So I yelled from the bed "Who's in here?" No answer, but the water shut off. "Who is that?" I repeated. "It's just me-- Diane," my MIL called, reassuringly. "What are you doing?" I yelled. "Just washing up some of the dishes for you- I thought I'd tidy up!" she called cheerfully. "Well don't!" I yelled. I felt like I was another person. I knew I was being ridiculous, and yet I felt like her offer was saying I was a poor housekeeper and needed her help, not that I was sick and needed her help! I told her to go away- literally. "Go away- Get out of here!" I shouted and she did. Very quickly.

    It is hard not to feel terrible about that episode even now. It helped that my MIL was so understanding and forgiving. I share that only to help you see some of the depth of personality changes that postpartum psychosis can cause. If her husband is concerned about her actions, and they really are not normal for her, she needs to see her doctor immediately.

    It could be also that now that she is two months postpartum, she may be starting to feel a little bit more balanced, but is now too embarrassed to call.

    I don't know about your specific situation and feelings for this relationship, but that is my experience.

    Hope it helps!
    Lollie
  17. lease79

    lease79 New Member

    QUOTE -
    _________________________________________________________________
    With my friends and sisters I always gave them a "hall pass" for about 4 to 6 months. Hormones are raging, their bodies had been in a war zone and they were totally exhausted.
    _________________________________________________________________
    This is a nice idea, but IMO not necessary in most cases unless there is PP depression.
    Fibro or not, depression or not (& I've had it bad,) I've never treated any of my friends badly because of it afer I've had a baby. The body returns to some kind of normalacy after 6 weeks PP & IMO so should the person. You can't spend 4-6 months blaming everything on the fact that you've just 'had a baby'.
  18. ckk

    ckk New Member

    to the people who have gave me advice.... i really appreciate it, and to answer a question (sorry i forgot who) i only had the step kids when the dad (my friend) was supposed to have them. which was wed, thur, fri, sat, after school of course on weekdays and they slept over on those days. the mother would not help out because they don't get along at all! she would say i don't care if your wife is in labor, we have a deal. so, anyway, he gets them every other week, something like that. so, hope that answers your question. thank you guys for the input. it seems like you guys are pretty much split down the middle like i am, half says there is a major problem with her like me the others say scr#$ her she is acting like an as**$#@, and i feel that way most of the time. Can you believe how neurotic i am? welcome to my world. this is what i become when issues in my life come up.

    i stress and freak out and analyze and get upset and go back and forth. it's really bad. i wish sometimes i could just say forget her and really truly mean it. 'cause i know she treated me like crap. and i know that if anyone treated my friends or family like that........well, they just wouldn't. i wouldn't let them. anyway, thanks again guys you are such a big help. i will let you know what is going on.
    ckk
  19. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    I can't help but notice that post partum depression has been mentioned so many times. That was exactly what popped into my mind too, as I read your post. Many have said that it is a hormonal imbalance and yes, it is. Others have said that it is still no reason for your friend to go off or act unreasonably. Well hmmm, I have not experienced it, but I do recall that when I use to have monthly's, I was very hormonal and not always the most rational.

    Things which would otherwise would not have phased me could make me terribly upset. I had days when just trying to be civil was a huge task.Having said that, I can only imagine how PPD could possibly make a woman feel irrational and out of control and yes, even act out. And have you ever noticed that normally, when we do act out, it is most usually with the people that we feel closest to? That is because we feel safe with our emotions with them.

    I am in no way condoning your friend's behavior and I really hate that this has fallen on your shoulders. I do not think that you are being too sensitive at all. Especially with all you have done for her and the fact that you were invited over and did not just drop in unexpectedly.

    I think that for now though, I would just let things be and not make anymore attempts at contacting her. If she is suffering from PPD, then she is probably feeling very agitated and most likely, does not even realize it, does not realize how hurtful her behavior is. I am hoping and praying that rather than just getting angry at her, her husband will keep a watchful eye over her and the children. If she does not appear to be leveling out with her emotions soon, I hope he will insist that she see a professional as this is not something that will simply "go away on it's own."

    As for you, you have done more and been more of a friend than many people ever have the blessing to know. It breaks my heart that you are feeling so hurt by all of this. Try and take comfort though, in the knowledge that you have done nothing wrong. Although you have had to bear the brundt of her emotional outburst, this really was not of your doing and rest in that knowledge. I really think you have done all you can do for the time being. Let's just hope and pray that this friend's husband is being cautious and keeping an eye on her and those babies and that he knows to get her help if this behavior continues.
  20. ckk

    ckk New Member

    carolk- that message was so sweet of you to write thank you so much for that. it really made my day. i really think that was so thoughtful of you to write all of that beautiful stuff about me. thank you again.
    ckk