Is your lack of libido causing problems in your relationship?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by desperatemamaw, May 24, 2013.

  1. I'm new here and haven't seen anything on this subject. I'm married almost 31 years, 2 married children, 2 grandchildren. My husband is a wonderful man who for the most part is very understanding about my illness. He does alot around the house and lets me rest when I need to. The problem is as my fibro has progressed greatly over the past 2 years, my interest in sex has greatly decreased. He, however, has a very high sex drive and wants his needs met. He's tired of hearing how I hurt or am exhausted. We do go very long periods of time without being together but I do help him with release in the meantime. He's to the point where he wants his needs met when he wants it or he wants sex never again. And he wants me to come up with a plan of how often I can give him sex. In the meantime I get no kissing, no touching or cuddling, zilch. How on earth am I supposed to predict how I'm going to feel to tell him how often we'll have sex? I gave him a frequency & that didn't work. He's going to need more frequently. I just don't know that I can commit to more frequently. But I sure can't live the rest of my life without kissing & cuddling either. I am emotionally a wreck because of this. I need to hear how others are dealing with this issue.
  2. sunflowergirl

    sunflowergirl Well-Known Member

    Hmmmmm.....don't know what to say. I would suggest that you talk to your gynecologist and have your hormones checked. It does sound as if he's demanding.....either his way or forget everything. And maybe some couples counseling if you want to save this marriage.

    I knew a woman years ago whose husband worked close to home. He had a high power managerial job.....he would come home every day at lunch and demand that she be available!
  3. We did go to couple's counseling last year. He wasn't happy because he felt the therapist focused on how I was dealing with my health issues & lack of desire instead of dealing with how he was supposed to handle not having sex as frequently as he needed. He felt ignored. And he's suggested that I read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus numerous times. I started to read it, but had a hard time getting thru it so gave up. I understand his needs & do feel badly that I can't meet his every whim. I just wish he better understood what I am physically capable of. In 2004, he was out of town & I was in a car wreck & sustained a major concussion. I have postconcussion syndrome which has really changed me. I have no doubt this wreck triggered my fibro. My back is a mess from DDD which is severe in my lumbar region; I have bursitis in my hips, neuropathy in my leg, IBS, history of CDiff which is always lurking in the background & totally screwed up my intestines. Then there's migraines, asthma, etc. So everyday in addition to the fibro, I am dealing with other issues too. When he asks me how I'm feeling I have to be very careful how I answer, because that determines what he expects later. So if I say I'm ok. To him that means she doesn't hurt, she's feeling good, gonna get me some tonight. When it may be that I just don't feel like listing all that's wrong that day. So we go to bed, I tell him I'm hurting too bad...he gets mad; feels jipped because he thinks I wasn't hurting earlier. It's all just so stupid.
  4. sunflowergirl

    sunflowergirl Well-Known Member

    You're in such bad shape....and here he is demanding. I can see he wants what he wants when he wants it. Childish. Sex in our marriage is a thing of the past....thank goodness. It never was anything more than a quickie and looking back I see I was always "on my guard". I see now there never was "romance".....you might mention that to him. A woman needs admiration and attention to feel loved, cherished and turned on, a man just wants without all that bother. Maybe he needs to concentrate on some soothing massage for you until you feel up to it.

    I never could get thru John Greys books either.
  5. Mamaw, I am so sorry. I know the boat you are in. Between Lupus, FM, CFS, Mixed CTD it can be hard to maintain a marital relationship. I was married for 13 years, at least 5 of them spent ill. My husband started out very supportive, but, five years is a long time. It's a very real problem to work up to sex when you hurt all over, are dealing with depression and the fear that comes with illness and a marriage. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't have sex when I had no desire. The illness steals it from you and your meds steal it from you. Men can almost always have sex, they can't understand that pain could keep us from it. He has been gone 7 months now. And I am lonely, but no longer fighting with a man I loved, and there is some peace in that. I hope things get better for you. I really do.
    crystalfire2000, 1 minute ago Edit Delete Report
  6. TigerLilea

    TigerLilea Active Member

    I would definitely get your hormones checked as it sounds like you could also be going through perimenopause and that can really change how you feel. It is possible that what you are interpreting as increased FM pain could be the aches and pains due to hormonal fluctuations. Also it is very common as women are going through peri to lose interest in having sex, even if only temporarily. :confused:
  7. I've been going thru menopause for YEARS...very unpleasant. I don't know if I'm thru yet, but I don't think so based on the hot flashes I've been having. We have never wanted me on hormones because of the increased risk of breast cancer...which is this same gene that causes colon cancer & my dad & several of his siblings have had colon cancer...one died at 54. I think I'll call my gyn Tuesday & get an apptmt.
  8. TigerLilea

    TigerLilea Active Member

    You might not necessarily need hormone replacement. As our estrogen levels go down, so do our serotonin levels. Lower serotonin levels can also affect hot flashes, headaches, insomnia, libido, etc. For some women it helps to increase serotonin either through using 5HTP, l-tryptophan, or low-dose anti-depressants. Even something as simple as spending an hour a day outside can increase serotonin, even on the days that aren't sunny.
  9. sunflowergirl

    sunflowergirl Well-Known Member

    My last period was when I turned 40......I'm now 68. I went thru BAD hot flashes and tried all types of things natural but the only one that seemed to help me was dong quai which you can buy at any market or drugstore. By the way, I still am VERY hot all the time, even in the winter. My thyroid has been checked so many times but even with very intensive testing it still shows OK. It's my hormone levels that are almost zilch. The integrative doctor I'm seeing has me now on biodentical.

    Jam. She also gave me DHEA but I'm really leary about taking it because of all the side effects. I'm just going to see how I do on the biodentical hormones.