It really upsets me to see my sick mom am I bad?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Rene, Jul 27, 2006.

  1. Rene

    Rene New Member

    I don't think my mom is going to live more then a couple of yrs. She is only 66 and completely bed ridden and just broke her hip.

    I don't have any family but her and I live alone. She was not a nice mom to say the least.

    I think of her a whole lot everyday but when I go there to her house i can't stand to see her. SHe's not being mean to me but she just looks like shes not gonna live. We don't really talk cause she on lots of meds.

    When she dies I will crack up. I will visit her grave everyday but I hate seeing her now while she is alive. It just reminds me shes gonna die in a couple of yrs. She never asks me to come over cause, really, I don't think she cares much if I do.

    Maybe you guys will think I'm bad for not cherishing every minute but I don't. I do think she will be here for a couple of yrs. Shes only 66.
    Rene
  2. ckball

    ckball New Member

    I have been wondering about you and your mom.

    Please do not feel guilty for feeling the way do. I totally understand. I also do not want to visit my mother.

    I don't know your total history with her but don't think she was the mother you needed her to be. Before she broke her hip did you feel like there was some hope of her changing and be the mother you needed before see died.

    I ask because when I came back to take care of her almost 5 years ago, I had some hope that she had changed. It never happened and never will. I have accepted that now, I grieved the loss of her years ago.

    Now she is just a woman I visit once a week. We have the same conversation and I leave. It seems harsh but that is the only way I can deal with her.

    Do not stress yourself by visiting everyday if she is not appreciating you being there, especially since you are sick too.

    I know living alone can be difficult with the isolation, and visiting her is maybe better than being so alone. But if it makes you sad to be there then don't do it. She has lived her life and you have to live yours.

    I wish you all the best and always feel free to email me, read my bio to see how. You are not alone, there are many survivors here that will support you. Carla

  3. Denamay

    Denamay New Member

    I am 66 and I would want my daughter to visit with me, even if we could not talk. I would like her to just hold my hand.

    If I had been a bad mom I would like a chance to say "I am sorry".


    You must have a lot of sad memories and experiences, it would be nice for both of your sakes if you could lay them to rest.

    But, I do know that some things are too shattered to be mended and sometimes it just can not be helped. All my best wishes to you from another 66 year old mom.

    Love, Denamay
  4. Rene

    Rene New Member

    Carla, how is your mom doing? If I remember there maybe a surgery coming up? My mom is home. We sure have a lot in common. I can't go to my moms everyday due to weakness but you're right I need to try to live my own life cause I make her my life.

    Denamay, oh I don't won't to give out the wrong impression. I don't want any apology from my mom and I super love my mom a lot. I even have prayed (I don't pray much) for God to take what little health I have and give it to her and I meant it.

    I treat my mom like shes the best in the world. I put my mom first before me. It just kills me cause I don't want her to die and when I see her it makes me upset cause she is so old for being young.

    When I had major surgery and ovarian cancer was plausable as mass grew to 18 cm she didn't even call the day of my surgery that was in Jan. But her caregiver had a baby a month later and wanted me to order her flowers. I got nothing for me. Again though I still love her and it crushes me to see her.
    Thanks.
    Rene

  5. Susan07

    Susan07 New Member

    No you're not bad, just human.

    I took care of my MIL for 3 yrs when she was bedridden. She was not kind to me for quite a few years before that and never wanted to sit and talk with me while she lived with us. Sigh...

    Anyway I just considered it as some kind of karmic thing I was paying off. Nevertheless when she passed on I was relieved since it was hurting me physically. We could have had a great time if she hadn't been so judgemental of me.

    When your mom dies please don't program yourself to crack up. You are alive, take care of yourself and have as good a life as you can.

    You might take a book over when you visit and read a chapter a day. Something you'll enjoy and it will take your focus off of her and into your reading.

    Take care, I know it is a burden to see someone who may be dying but it is just part of the process.

    Susan
  6. Rene

    Rene New Member

    Hi I'm not doing well at all so I will respond more later and i read the replies and thank you.


    Just wanted to say I've more then forgiven my mom. I love her and I know that I am a very good daughter but it breaks my heart to see her. I spoil her with food and gifts all the time.

    Rene
  7. Kathleen12

    Kathleen12 New Member

    My heart pains for you. You obviously love your mother dearly as you stated, and she doesn't appear to care.

    I have been thinking about this as I lost my own mother and father a few years back. But we, on the other hand had a great relationship. I also took care of them during their last precious years.

    Having said that, I was wondering if you have attempted to talk to your mother about this. I'm not meaning to sound melodramatic about this like you'd see on a sappy movie, but just a statement to her about how you are hurt by her apathy toward you. And of course not stated in anger or frustion. It may open a door just a little. I'm sure you have already tried that once, and if that didn't work, try one more time a different way. She may also be feeling some guilt about her treatment toward you but wants to deny it or she just doesn't know how to break the cycle.

    But please don't ever feel guilty for how you feel. You are human. When she passes, then you will know that you have done everything you know how to mend this relationship. I'll be praying for you and your mom.

    I am also sorry that you are not feeling well today. That can make it even harder for you I'm sure. When you are ill and at home, it gives you more time to think about the sadness of this relationship. Try now during this time to put your mind to something constructive on how to rectify your problem.

    I'm sorry for the ramble...my prayers are with you.
  8. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    Rene:

    Since Mom was not the nicest and considering your feelings and your health (the most important)...just follow your gut instincts.

    If you do not want to go: do not force yourself

    and mainly

    Feel guilty about nothing.

    In time things might change, but you never really know when or if.

    Luck.

    nyrofan
  9. sascha

    sascha Member

    hi rene- i've recently had two extreme cases of figuring out what to do. i did everything i could after my sister was diagnosed with ovarian cancer- i moved back east ( three times for a total of 17 months) to live with her, then rent an apartment, then i moved back in with her two months before she died) to help her. we had very hard things to work through, and i had felt royally rejected by her a few times. it was so painful. i worked so hard to get past things based on figuring out what kind of person i wanted to be. i didn't want to be the kind of person who let money cause problems, i didn't want to let hurt feelings make me act out in a way that later i might lose respect for myself over. result with my sister was we were on really good, open, loving terms when she died. i look back on how i acted with a feeling that i know i did my best.
    when i got back to Calif. ifound my elderly aunt failing, and i became the go-to person for her care. i have CFIDS, so i'm operating at half strength at best anyway. i would constantly drop everything (and my life takes a lot a lot of constant maintenance) to drive her to doctor appointments, pick up prescriptions, run errands, take her places, spend hours in emergency room at hospital- then,when she was recently in the hospital, i took care ofher cat, apartment, errands, sat in the hospital, talked with her doctors, etc...) i crashed. i just cannot maintain any semblence of well-being for myself when i devote myself to my aunt. so i now have to figure out new rules for myself. what can i do? how can i be clear to my aunt and others about what i can and cannot do? it's so very hard!
    i'm working my way through this. i know i can't be her primary care person. i love her, but i cannot do this. again it occurred to me that i want to be good with my own conscience when all is said and done. what kind of person do I want to be in this. i don't want to explode in anger and frustration (as i was doing with friends and family for a while). i want and must have the situation worked out so that i have minimal responsibility. i will be involved, but i can't do very much. that is clear for me to realize this. now to do it.
    iguess my advice is to just be very clear with yourself what you want out of this situation. is there any closure you need to try to get before your mother isn't around anymore. and if so, try your best to get it for YOUR SAKE, so that afterwards you feel fine about choices you made. you have to take into account that you are not well. you have to take into account that your mother wasn't capable (apparently) of establishing close relationship with you. so the question remains- what would be truly best for you- to keep the door open? to clearly communicate a time schedule that you can visit, and make it according to what you can handle?? no one knows but you what you truly need.
    it is very very hard. but making decisions based on what you can best live with yourself is the key.
    hope this makes some sense- very best to you- sascha
  10. sixtyslady

    sixtyslady Member

    I don"t know your history with your mom.

    My Mom was very hard to deal with for the last few years of her life, She passed in 2000.at the age of 80.
    I realize so much more now that she was scared those last few yrs and that had alot to do with her actions. Iloved my Mom and miss her alot even though she was diffcult at times, I know now she did the best she could do.
    I think we tend to think that older people don"t have feelings ,but we do, I"ve never been sorry that I called my Mom everyday for 20yrs , she was alone and just needed someone to talk to. and to feel loved.
    Isn"t it strange that the children we raise we can"t even talk to as we get older, I pray that you and your Mom will become close . sixtyslady
  11. ckball

    ckball New Member

    I am sorry you are not well today. You have gotten a lot of good advice. Taking care of yourself is so important.

    It is good you love your mom the way you do. Have you ever discussed how you feel with her? I have tried many times to talk to mine but she just acts like she didn't do anything wrong. Not one time has she ever admitted or apologized for what she did to me.

    I had forgiven her years ago, but when I came to care for her, she showed me she had not changed. When someone shows you who they really are by actions, believe them.

    I hope you are able to work things out with her, but not at the risk of your health. You come first, you will have to be there for yourself when she is gone, as someone else said, don't build yourself up to crack up. Be strong for yourself.

    My mom has a appt with the surgeon on Mon. I don't think they will operate on her. She has had a bedsore with a staph infection on the foot of the same leg she broke. She has had this since Nov last year. She has been on IV abx for about 4 months.

    It won't heal because she refuses to be compliant with her heel guards. She also keeps removing her cast from her broken leg.When I asked the staff why she doesn't have it on, they said she keeps taking it off and screams bloody murder if they go near her with it. I made her put it back on last week and yesterday she had it off again. I asked her about it and she said they told her it was ok, the staff said no, she did it on her own again.

    Just so you know why I feel the way I do, I will share what she did, other than the verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

    She lied to me for over 45 years about who my father was. My "father" died 2 days before my 5th birthday. Then Frank was a married man she had an affair with until I was 18. He then divorced his wife of 30 years and married my mom.

    He was an alcoholic and was abusive to her. I hated him because she would then take her anger at him out on me.
    Then one day when I was 27, I had to drive him on a several hour trip, mom was taking care of her father in another state.

    He got drunk and told me HE was my father. I loved my "family" from my "fathers" side. They were everything my mother wasn't. This totally devasted me that the man I depised was in my blood.

    I suffered depression as a child, teenager and adult every year around my birthday. She wanted to bury him on my 5th birthday but his family would not allow it and the funeral was the day after.

    When I confronted her about this, she lied and said it wasn't true. I kept pressing because I really looked like his children and not much like my other family. Still denial.

    My husband at the time was transferred to VA about 6 months later. I went and put distance between her and I. We talked once or twice month and she would visit me so I could take her to see my daughter and granchildren.

    About a year or so after I came back to KY for her, I was very ill. I had a genetic disorder called hemochromotosis. I had the double gene type, meaning both my mother and my father had the gene.

    This can be a deadly disease is not treated, more so for men than women. My Dr said both sides of the family had to be tested. Frank had 4 other children besides me. My "father" had one daughter older than me. My mom was 16 when she married my 32 year old "dad".

    So after many years of not addressing this issue, I had to bring it up again because it could be life or death for my daughter and grandchildren and the adult children of Frank. His only daughter is a few years older than me and she was disabled by many illness's a couple years before. She had 2 children and grandchildren as did his sons.

    My other sister on my "dads" side had several children and grandchildren. I did not know which family needed to be tested. I did not want them to have costly testing and needless worry.

    So when I brought this up again, she tried to lie again. I knew she was lying because Franks daughter knew I was his daughter too. The whole family on both sides knew and no one told me. My "dads" family who I loved dearly had their suspicions but chose not to tell me and when I told them my suspicions they confirmed it. I was totally devasted that they lied to me for over 40 years about this.

    My mom had a affair with Frank who was also 32 the entire time she was married (5 years) to my "dad" then continued on after he died. She finally admitted after I would not let it go that she didn't know for sure which one was my father. When pressured because of the gene thing she finally admitted Frank was my father. He died in 1992.

    I am sorry I made this so long but I needed for you and others to understand why I can not invest any more emotions in this woman. It makes me sad but I have felt like an orphan most of my life because of this. I have been thru several abusive relationships and many years of therapy because of her lies. She still doesn't get it, she robbed me of a happy life, she says they are both dead so why does it matter.

    I hope you are able to have what you need in order to have peace with yourself when she is gone. I have my peace now and no longer expect anything from her except her constant contarieness and abuse of the the staff that do their best to take care of her. She does not appreciate what the staff have to tolerate, "it's their job" she says.

    When they found out I stayed home with her for over 3 years years, they said "oh you poor thing, how did you do it"- Sad isn't it.

    My prayers are with you, let us know how you are doing-Carla

    [This Message was Edited on 07/28/2006]