it's over.. I'm done. My life as I knew it is gone

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by shazz, Jun 20, 2003.

  1. shazz

    shazz New Member

    I am putting in my notice at work today, I just can't go on anymore. My phsycologist had me call the lawyer today to get the ball rolling on SSD.
    I am soooo scared, this is going to take probably a year and a half according to the doc and the attourney.
    I can't sleep and I can't go on without sleeping, I am sick most of the time now, and ready to collapse. I am surprised I haven't yet.
    I feel like I died. I have always worked hard, forced myself out of bed for the good of the family, and now it's over. It's like looking at your own funeral to me somehow.
    I will have no insurance, no income, and the thought of being totally dependant on my husband is killing me inside.
    I feel like I have let my kids down, my husband down and I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.
    Is this going to be a grieving process?
    Hopefully some of you have some tips on how to get through it for me, it all seems very overwhelming and I don't know how I am going to make it through the day let alone the next two weeks here at work.
    Thanks for letting me vent, my coworker is probably tired of watching me blubber here at work today.

    Love you all,

  2. sofy

    sofy New Member

    The life you were living wasnt so great cuz it was killing you so letting it go is a new think.
    Letting your kids down! Who says a mom cant be just a good at home 24/7. You might find out things about your kids that you never knew and form a whole new wonderful relationship with them. The same can be said for the husband, perhaps now that you arent fighting so hard to hold on you can sit back, take a deep breath, look around and see the beauty in the faces within the reach of your hand.
    When I had to close my business the one thoutht that made me able to do it, along with I could get up anymore, was "perhaps it is part of the problem". Once I embraced that thought closing the door was easy and I'm not looking back, just foreword. I greived for a while cuz its an adjustment.
  3. ssMarilyn

    ssMarilyn New Member

    Don't look at it as the end, look at it as a new beginning. I had to quit work too and stay home, but I found a great way to make a living right here at home. Now I get up when I want and work when I want. It's great because I can go anywhere, anytime and stay as long as I want. I miss the comraderie, but I don't miss punching the clock and scraping windshields, and fighting traffic. I have zero stress now and feel great!

    Marilyn :)
  4. nacl4y

    nacl4y New Member

    Hi Shazz

    I don't know you - I'm new here. But I just want to tell you that I admire what you are doing. I realise that you've reached a point where you can't continue doing what you're doing. What impresses me is that you've recognized it - and you're doing something about it.

    It takes alot of courage to take the step that you are - to concentrate on you, and your health. And in the long run it will be better for you, and for your family. I don't have that kind of courage. I'm too addicted to my job, to my life as I know it. The mere thought of giving it all up to concentrate on myself and help myself get better terrifies me to no end. And I"m just too chicken to take that step.

    So don't look at it as a failure. Look at it as a new door opening. Concentrate on you, on getting your health back. On getting your life back. Take each day at a time. You never know what might happen.

    As I said, I really do admire you. Take care of you - you're the only one the world has got :)

    Shannon L.
  5. shazz

    shazz New Member

    I am bawling worse than ever now, at your encouragement, and kind words.
    You make some very good points. All I can think of now is TGIFF, adn I'm sure you all know what the extra F means.
    I am glad someone thinks I have courage for doing this, it isn't courage my dear, but desperation. But thank you all the same.
    My kids aren't going to be happy to have me home, they are spoiled rotten teenagers who could care less if I am home or not, and are used to me handing them money for this that and almost everything they want. The brakes are on now.
    Yes I am fortunate that hubby has a decent job, we wont' lose the house or anything like that but we won't be paying it off early as I was working so hard on doing.
    I have enough money stashed to keep COBRA for about three months. So I suppose I should be getting scripts filled on time, and anything else I may need done very soon here.
    After all I have read about the nightmare of getting SSD I hope I have enough fight left in me.
    God Bless you all!!

  6. dd

    dd New Member

    I had to quit my job was part-time...but I still loved it none the less. I just could not go on like I was any longer. I HAD to concentrate on ME and find out what the hell was wrong with me...I still had not been dx but just felt like death warmed over constantly.

    I was fortunate enough to have a husband also that makes enough so that it was ok for me to quit. Things were tight but we made it thru until the SSD was approved. I applied for SSD a year after I quit my job. I had heard all the horror stories of being rejected countless times but I was it on the first try and it only took 6 months from beginning to end. I did not apply for SSD using FM/CFS though since I was not diagnosed until 2 years ago. Mine was approved on Depression and Panic Attack Disorder.

    I went thru a grieving period too. I felt like I had nothing to offer the family anymore and felt useless...I had always worked. It takes time to adjust to your "new" life. It did take me a while, so don't beat yourself up if you feel down about your decision. You made the right choice for you and your family.

    Looking back, that was the best decision that I have ever made. I now have more time with my kids...and yes, teenagers still want their Mom'll see.

    I wish you the best of luck...and let those tears roll if you feel like it. Sometimes crying is the best therapy. I know because I have had my share of tears over the past 7 years.

    Peace and Love,

  7. elaine_p

    elaine_p New Member

    Shazz, I'm glad you gave notice based on whatever you said in a post last week or so. It's got to be really hard, but it did sound like you were killing yourself, so to speak.

    I don't know about others, but the grieving process for me didn't happen just once. Every time I noticed a new loss I had to grieve all over again. (Last year I was depressed because I can't go bowling anymore! [Well, I can if I want to pay the price.] And I've only been bowling maybe 5 times in the last 20 years!!! Sheesh!)

    And I haven't grieved about the loss of my job only once. Of course, that could be because my self-esteem prior to this DD was based on what I could do and I haven't yet acquired it based on who I am. (I'll be working on that after I finish with another issue that just reared it's head.)

    Good luck on your new life!
  8. Patti2

    Patti2 New Member


    Hang in there. I am new here on this but boy have I learned a lot about the DD as well as how to handle it. Thing could be worse, your husband is gainfully employed, you will be able to spend time with the kids. You won't be as tired, you will be able to get the sleep we all need. You won't have the stress factor of getting up for work, and the stress from work. In the long run don't be down! 6 months from now you will be glad you did.

    I am single as of 6 months after I was dianosed with "this fake DD" So I am by myself. I can't quit work for quite a long time. I wouldn't recieve enough money from SSD to live on. I did take 6 weeks off and just returned a week ago Monday. I went to phyical therepy, Dr appointments and the wonderful sleep land. It is amazing how much better you feel when you get enough sleep, relax and think of yourself and put yourself in front of everyone else, just for a short time!
    Try to look at this as a new lifestyle that you are beginning. You'll be fine. Keep your chin up, and keep laughing it is the best medicine in the world. Best part is it is free!!
  9. loopyloo

    loopyloo New Member

    I just read your post and i probably feel the same i have been of work 9 weeks now i am due to go back next wednesday and i am dreading it i am so tired all the time and dizzy, cant sleep, cant get up till lunch time and have bad memory loss and i am worried that i wont be able to do my job and what the poeple at work will think as i look awful black arround my eyes, the doctor gave me some tablets to stop the dizzyness last monday and i think i must have been alergic to them i came out in a rash was sick and my head felt like it was going to explode i could not stand up so i rang the doctor and he said stop taking them, so i am still dizzy and it has taken 5 days to get the bad tablets out of my system, i have decided to get a stick for balance after the effect of the tablets he gave me, i have dificulty accepting a walking stick and peoples reaction to one and i am very scared about going back to work and i think you are being very brave to hand in your notice and look after you, i think maybe one day i will have to go through the same but i will be thinking of you over the next 2 weeks you go girl you can do this
    (((((((((big hugs))))))))))))
    keep us posted how it all goes i now you will be fine and there is no harm in crying god i've cryed so much too
    lots of love Loopyloo xxx
    ps shazz i go to a slimming class and there is a lady there who has ME and she said she slept for 2 years and now she has lost weight she has got her life back so the time away from work may only be till you feel better some poeple do get well so may be you can say i am at home till i feel better and can go back to a job, may be part time.
    keep us posted sorry this is so long.
    [This Message was Edited on 06/20/2003]
  10. tulip922s

    tulip922s New Member

    As others have already said,,,think of this as a new chapter in your life. I believe things happen for a reason.

    I had a big beautiful home, a job I loved, my health, and was married prior to just waking up one day 2 years ago with what I thought was the flu. To make a long story short, I lost my job, my home, and my marriage as my husband didn't want to live with an invalid. I was so ill I moved home with my parents at age 46 with my teenage daughter as I was totally bedridden at that time.

    NOW,,,,I have a nice apartment, my SSD came through this week, I'm divorced and have subsequently met a wonderful man who is totally understanding of my limitations from this dd, and I feel more at peace with myself than I ever have before in my life. I know that may sound strange,,,but, I was fast pace person and guess I really never knew myself. I am now closer than ever to my teenage daughter.

    The next couple of weeks I'm sure will be hard making the transition. As far as SSD,,,,give em h!ll,,,,you know you deserve it,,,FIGHT! It is a long process, but, that retro check is a doosie.

    I find that with every hard knock I get lately,,,I just get tougher. Don't let this get the best of you. Life will be different,,,enjoy your home, your children (they still need you as much as they push you away at that age) and of course your husband. Who knows? Maybe down the line you could consider a work from home job like ssmarilyn.

    Best of luck to you, Shazz. Please keep us posted on your progress. I will be thinking of you. Tulip
  11. ForeverFlaring

    ForeverFlaring New Member


    I know exactly what you are saying. There are so many people who file for disability knowing full well they can work. Then there are those of us who hung on to our jobs, our independence, and our incomes like a life-line to the normal world. I too had a very hard time making the decision to file. I went into a deep depression realizing that I could no longer work and could no longer function like healthy people do.

    Filing for disability is a long hard road for most of us. Not a day goes by where I don't listen for the mailman walking up my porch steps so I can hobble out to the mailbox and see if a letter from SSA is in there. Your patience will be tried and your quality of life will suffer because of the loss of income while you wait.

    There is light at the end of the tunnel though. Whenever you give up hope try to see this light even if its only a glimmer on an otherwise dark day.

    As stated aboev, you are dealing with the grieving process. In a sense part of you has died. The only way to move on is to accept that only a portion of your life is gone. When a person loses their eyesight, their hearing improves to make up for it. When a person loses their hearing, another sense improves to compensate for the loss. Your journey is now to find what improves in your life because of this loss. When you find it, accept it and embrace it with all of your heart.

    This is only a stepping stone for you, not a dead end.
  12. Dukate

    Dukate New Member

    Dear Shazz, I have been down the road you are going starting now and so have millions of us. Try not to be hard on yourself, don't do the Shazz bashing thing. It won't help. I know because I did it for years. You did't ask for this, none of us did and it won't be easy to move into a new way of living each day but the sooner you accept the changes you will have to make the better it will be for you and your family. I know how you feel about your husband and children and I only hope that they will understand and be and give you the support you will need. I lived in denial for years and had to keep reading about the cfs,fms to convince myself that thats what was really wrong with me. I would go over the symptoms and the way I felt constantly, surely believing that my mind was playing tricks on me and I was not sick and it was all a mistake. Don't do that to yourself. It only adds more stress to the stess you will be living with. Get all the medical help you can. I found a great chiropractor, (but that wasn't new for me as I had used one long before cfs, fms. Accupucture is very helpful. You will probably lose a lot of your friends, I am lucky as I have two that have stuck by me. We don't really have a lot of great things to converse on. They know that its important to me for them to let me stay in their lives and I love that they share with me. I won't try to fool you, if you don't already know it you will find out that it can be a very lonely condition so find those things that make you feel as good as you possibly can. If you have a good doctor hang on to him or her and don't hesitate to use the pain meds that will keep you comfortable and enable you to continue to do some of the things that you will want to do. Most of all, be kind to yourself, love yourself, let your family know that no matter how you feel you will always love them. Keep in touch with all of us in the message rooms, chat rooms we can become your best buddies because we know more then anyone how your feel and will are always right here. Maybe not me all the time but lots of good people. I have the best friends that I have never seen or never heard their voices but they will be there for you. Sleep and rest as much as you need to. Take each day at a time. Don't worry about crying, sometimes it helps a lot.

    Love and take care of yourself.

  13. Mumu

    Mumu New Member

    I finally reached the point where I had to give up my job too. I was on the verge of collapse, physically and emotionally. I felt like a failure. But you know what? I had been praying all along that when it was time to get out of that job that God would force me into it, because I was going to keep hanging onto it as long as I could. I couldn't see any way to pay all our bills if I didn't. Well, God DOES answer prayers. He pushed me into quitting the job, and soon another opportunity presented itself. I was offered a chance to train on the job to become a medical transcriptionist, which was right up my alley. It took awhile, but now I have a new career, and it is much less stressful than the factory job I had before. I work from home, which helps a lot too. But the point is...God has to tear down the mess that's already there and clear it away before He can build you a brand new life that will be better for you. Try to turn it all over to Him and let Him choose what is best for you. Maybe it's just staying home and letting others serve you for a change. After all, it was your efforts to serve your family that put you in this condition. Take care of yourself now and let someone else learn what it is to give, while you learn to receive. That's one of the hardest things for people like us...allowing others to do things for us. Maybe that's why we get this stupid illness, so we'll have to learn how to accept help graciously, giving others a chance to become givers.
  14. shazz

    shazz New Member

    I have just been hiding away this weekend.
    I am still crying, alot, scared to death and hoping this "leap of faith" was the right thing to do.
    Right or not, I feel it was the ONLY thing to do.
    Sandy, I will email you soon I hope all is looking better at your end of the world.
    My immediate task now is to get through the next two weeks somehow and then I will just wait and see what gives.
    I am not even filling out the paperwork for SSD without the help of a lawyer. I am sure they know better what to write and say than I would ever know. They will help me fill out the paperwork and go to my appointment with me.
    So I will become a lady in waiting soon.
    WIsh me luck.
    I am pulling for all of you in the same boat here, and I hope we all get what we need very soon.