I've lost my best friend

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by momXtwo, Nov 1, 2006.

  1. momXtwo

    momXtwo New Member

    I can finally say it. It's taken me this long to really come to terms with it. She's been my best friend since '96 and her daughter has been my daughter's best friend since birth in '98. I've approached her with conversation, and she continually just says that it's her life, she's busy, I live too far away (15 minutes away and I offer to drive the children to see each other to play) or she has plans with her new found friends. I'm glad she has friends, I just feel really hurt that at the time I need her the most, and my daughter needs her daughter the most (they are the BEST of friends) she is staying away, and is keeping our girls apart. The girls still talk on the phone, but that's it.

    Our girls play volleyball together and my friend invited one of her other friends' daughter to join, which was great; she's a wonderful child, and the lady is just as nice as can be. Well, it's really close to my house, so I had hopes that she'd allow her daughter to come over after the games occasionally since they are on Fridays, even spend the night. Well, the last game was this past Friday, and she whisked her daughter secretively away (probably so as not to allow my daughter's feeling's to be hurt) and she and the other friend on the team went to another friend's home who lives further away than I do. That wouldn't be a concern, but she's always used that as an excuse for not driving her over, so many times I've driven to get her myself.

    There are no more good times. No more times together at all. I just had my 40th birthday. The day went by, and she actually forgot it -- and spent lunch with her other friends. When she realized that my daughter wasn't at practice that night, she did call, wondering if my daughter was sick. I told her no, we had had a family celebration. She still didn't get it...so I told her. Initially, rather that being apologetic, she was totally defensive, telling me how busy she has been. People, she has NEVER forgotten, and neither have I. We have always, always, spent our birthday's together if they are weekdays, and if not, then we've set aside another time for just us. Well, that was October 17th, and she still says we are getting together, but I know it won't happen.

    I'm truly not angry, I am honestly just so absolutely hurt that I cannot express it fully. She has stood by me through thick and thin before, and so have I for her. She is, however, one who likes the limelight, very, very much. From the moment I was finally diagnosed, she acted different...it was real...it had a name...it was something she didn't have. As much as I know she would hate to have this disease, I think she believes I get attention because of it.

    I know that most will say she's not really a true friend for if she were, she would not have abandoned me now, and wouldn't have allowed this to affect her daughter's "best friend" relationship" with my daughter. Possibly that is true. I don't want to see that. I see my daughter question it almost every single day, and she has grown to resent my friend. Though my daughter is only 9, she sees that her friend's mom is keeping them apart.

    I could really use some advice or input from someone. We've tried to make new friends for my daughter, to help her move on, but she just hasn't connected with anyone like she did with this other child. They were like sisters, having grown up together, and having moms who were such great friends that people often asked US if we were sisters.

    Thanks for reading, and for all your advice.
  2. PianoGirl

    PianoGirl New Member

    I'm sorry to hear that you have lost your best friend.

    Perhaps she has shunned away from you because she doesn't like to see you hurting and she doesn't know what to do to try to make you feel better. or perhaps she is having personal problems that she isn't ready to share with any one and if you got together with her, you would notice something was wrong. There are so many "ifs" that could be, it's hard to tell why this is happening.

    Maybe you could call her and tell her that you miss her company and want to get together. Perhaps ask her "Have i done something to offend you". Then you could approach the subject of what is wrong???? Try not to put her on the defensive, maybe you could start out by saying, "I know that I am not feeling the greatest and sometimes that makes things difficult" but I truly value our friendship and don't want to loose that. Then maybe you could also ask her if everything is okay in her life, that would give her an opportunity to open up to you if she needs to.

    You could try to tell her even though you have this dd, it hasn't changed your feelings, that you still love the people around you and miss them when they aren't there. Tell her how it has affected your daughter.

    If she gets defensive or angry, then perhaps it is unfortunately time to move on and try to find another friend. I know that is hard to do and friends don't seem to come easy any more but at least you will know where you stand and you can go from there.

    I wish you the best of luck in keeping your friendship alive. Please let us know how it is going.

    Lis
  3. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    territory. You get one of these DDs, you lose your friends.

    That's why this board is so important.
  4. Callum

    Callum New Member

    I'm sorry that both you and your daughter must suffer from your former friend's selfishness.

    Once the hurt diminishes, I hope you can feel the anger that is justified. You deserve it.

    Can you call, or write her, and say something to the effect of "I'm sorry that we seem to have drifted apart. Is there any way that we can make sure that our daughters' friendship is not affected by our relationship moving in a different direction?" Or would she automatically go to the "distance" excuse again?

    For the loss of this friendship that meant so much to you, I wish you two new friendships that will NOT dissolve purely because of the status of your health. You deserve that!

    Callum
  5. johnston

    johnston New Member

    there is something she wants to protect her daughter from. This is going to sound harsh, but it honestly sounds like something about your home, you, or your husband, other siblings? Something said or done or some potential that she feels the need to protect her daughter. It could even be that her daughter changed. Decided she wanted new friends. And the mom is trying to help her. Don't know. But again, the actions seem like she is trying to protect or help her daughter with something and doesn't want to tell you. If you truly, honestly want to know, I would use the long friendship as your ace. Call her. Tell her you miss her and the times you had. Remind her of some "remember when we"---do that for a few examples. Get her back there. Then bring her back here. Tell her you need to know if anything happened at your house to "jessica" or anyone said or did anything to her. She will probably say "Oh, no, dah, dah, dah, dah." Then go for the jugular. Please, "Jan", I really need to know. This separation is killing me and my daughter. If we mean anything to you, tell me; so I can rectify it, correct it; or move on and stop trying to fix it if need be." You and "Jessica" mean so much to us I had to try again. If we mean anything to you, tell me what is wrong." That's my advice. It would be hard. But do it. If you want to know, that is your best chance. If it doesn't work or is bad news, move on; and try to get your daughter some help to do so as well. Like you said, what she is experiencing is kinda like loosing a sister. Get yourself help as well if you need it. Tough words but honest from me. CAring about where you are, Rhonda
  6. Callum

    Callum New Member

    And it's direct - always a great policy. Takes the guess-work which can cause so much confusion out of the equation.
  7. ladykew

    ladykew New Member

    I truly am sorry you lost your best friend. I tried very hard to keep my best friend, and maybe I tried too hard because I knew I was losing her. But she just told me in an e-mail today that I obsessed over my illnesses.

    She said if I would just go for a drive and look at the pretty leaves or go to a movie and relax, then maybe I would end up enjoying life and not just let it pass me by.

    I was shocked to say the least since I have been sick for
    20 years with FM and 10 years with CFS. My eyesight is very poor for driving, and I am pretty much housebound due to the unbearable fatigue.

    I used to have so many friends; now I have one that I can count as a true friend, and she has the same illnesses that I have. I wouldn't trade her for a million other "best friends."

    God bless you, sweetie. You can't make someone want what they don't want. If that is the case, you have to let go. I feel for your child and the other child. Maybe something will still happen to allow them to be friends apart from you and your former friend.

    We are all here on this board to support each other. Please use it to make all kinds of new friends who will really care about you and be there for you.

    Stay with us. It will be okay...you'll see.

    Hugs,
    Lew



  8. momXtwo

    momXtwo New Member

    ...to simply listen. I haven't said it out loud. When I read Callum's first response, the tears came. I guess I do have a right to be angry, but I would rather just have my friendship intact.

    I will ask her if there is something that has made her uncomfortable over here. Although she has allowed her daughter to stay several times since my illness, those times just dwindled from lots to a little less to really less to now never.

    Her daughter is overweight (although a beautiful child inside and out), and the mother has expressed several times that she doesn't want her child to not "belong" in school. The girls she hangs out with now are the girls she will go to school with until senior high school, granted no one moves.

    Thank you for the advice, the understanding, and the warmth. It sounds like some of you have gone through this, and though it is heartwrenching, it is comforting to share this with those who have been there.
  9. kellyann

    kellyann New Member

    I am sorry you are having such problems with your friend. i have gone that route too. My best friend has deserted me too.And it does hurt. She used to laugh or roll her eyes like I was being so stupid or over reacting when my legs hurt and I couldn't keep up out shopping in a mall. She would come over to my house and start cleaning, maybe she thought it was helpful, but it made me feel horrible. Her house is alway spotless. Mine is always a mess. She has no idea what it is like to be sick for so long. I haven't seen her in a long time, but not a day goes by that I don't think about her still.
    I hope you work it out with your friend!
    Kellyann