jamedw1 ... please read

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by goingslowlycrazy, May 22, 2003.

  1. goingslowlycrazy

    goingslowlycrazy New Member

    I hope you don't mind me writing but I have noticed you mention in your posts,the problems you are having with your lady keeping you at a distance...and I wondered if I could help any...

    I am having similar probs but from the other side of the fence.

    Bit of background here: I am 43, mother of two (12 and 14) and my husband left us six years ago. Three years ago, I went to a Meditation group and met Phil. It was instant - BHAM! Our eyes met across a crowded room...corny but true! A week later, he came round to meet the kids and never went home...hey, when you're our age (he is 52 this year) and it's so very RIGHT, why wait?

    I love this man with all of my heart, soul and every fibre of my being. He truly is my 'other half' - and I only wish we had met years and years ago so that I could have had my kids with him and had more time with him.

    Shortly after we met, I started with the first symptoms of cfs. It has taken two years to get a diagnosis, during which time, I feel like a large part of the 'me' that he fell in love with, is just not there anymore.

    I feel ill pretty much all of the time - the good days are just less bad.

    I have put on weight - mainly due to the enforced inactivity.

    I am unable to do a lot of the things that I used to do and consequently feel like I am less fun and much less spontaneous.

    I now suffer badly with travel sickness - so day trips aren't too much fun any more.

    A week or so ago, Phil was getting angry with the kids for not helping me more and I felt so dreadfully ill and when he gets angry, I can't handle it. Stress makes my symptoms so much worse. I'm ashamed to admit that I uttered the immortal phrase 'You'd be better off without us...'
    Corny eh? Makes me cringe to repeat it - but it was honestly how I felt at the time.

    I feel like I don't have much to offer him, (apart from my undying love...), I can't keep our house nice, I struggle to cook, even to shop for the damned food is a nightmare. I get sick of myself - why should he feel any different.

    Last night, we were chatting about our boy, (Robbie, 12) who I am terrified has cfs too...). It does seem to have familial links, not sure how, and we were discussing the possiblity that it may be contagious (research doesn't bear this one out...)and I said 'If I ever gave this to you, I wouldn't be able to live with myself...'
    Phil said 'I would rather die with you, than live without you.'

    That really stopped me in my tracks - and I started to see it from HIS point of view. He suffers from a very bad back (he used to be a farmer and the years of abusing his back are catching up with him).
    To me, his back problems are part of him and no way would they change the way I feel for him.
    But, to him, they make him feel the way I do with cfs...he isn't the man he was etc etc.

    What I'm trying to say (in a painfully long-winded fashion) is that it is entirely possible that your lady is going through the 'I have nothing to offer' and 'he'd be better off without me' crisis.

    This does NOT mean she is going off you - far from it. I would lay down my life for Phil without a moment's hesitation...I adore him. But it is a cruel illness that takes much of who we are/were away from us.

    I love Phil so much that I feel he deserves the best and I just don't feel the best at the moment...

    But I have to respect how HE feels about all of this too.

    It takes time to get to that point of understanding.

    Just stick with it, be supportive and understanding and above all, patient!

    Someone suggested sending flowers which I think is a wonderful idea...loving cards, letters etc are all great and reassuring.

    Also, plug the fact that you love her as she is...I know you do - it jumps off the screen at me, but just keep telling her. Believe me, you can NEVER tell a woman that you love her, too often LOL

    I hope you don't mind me butting in and trying to help, but I felt a lot of hurt and confusion in your last post and I so much wanted to help. I am a sucker for true love, having now experienced it...at last!
    Don't give up!!!

    Mikie told me not to leave my email addy on the board, but if you would like it, it is in my profile.

    All the very best of luck with your relationship,
    hugs to you and your lovely lady,
    Mary xxxx

  2. goingslowlycrazy

    goingslowlycrazy New Member

    Bumping for you...
  3. jamedw1

    jamedw1 New Member

    your words have me in tears...

    so far from "butting in" you wouldn't believe...

    i suppose i just lack the confidence to really believe that i'm really making a difference in her life... i get worried that my words of love and encouragement lose their meaning from the distance in miles between us... i get frustrated in myself... that i'm not in a position, just yet, to just pick up and leave to be by her side... which is the ONLY place i want to be... and i even think she'll get tired of hearing "i love you"...

    i try my best to let her know she doesnt need to go through things alone... that she can lean on me till "the cows come home", and then some...

    but where the distance takes it's toll on me is when she is feeling her worst, and her instincts are to want to be "alone", thus pushing me away... and the hardest thing for me to live with, is, that when things are at their worst, is when i am at my best... but i can say nothing... do nothing... accomplish anything... in silence...

    right now i am desperately relying on my faith, trust, and patience... hoping that as the "fog" lifts, so to will my fear of losing her due to my "sometimes" shortcomings, in relation to my being able to reach out and hold her and make her surroundings more comfortable...

    where i don't lack confidence is in the realization of what being a "rock" means, and my committment to wanting my life to be her life...and her pain, to be mine... and i would gladly exchange my semi-painless existence (cept for the mental torture) for her bouts with the debilitating pain she endures... and i have prayed to God so many times for Him to take "it" from her and give it to me... i would die for her, if it meant her becoming "normal" again...

    and as your "phil" so eloquently put it, i would rather die with her, than live without her... i am driven by my desires to grow old with, as i see her, the woman i've waited my whole life for... i am motivated by my dream to grow old with someone i love and adore... i am stimulated by wanting to be "needed" by someone as much as i want to be loved, thus making a difference in both my life and hers... and i am inspired by her eyes, her heart, her soul, her courage and the most wonderful smile i've ever known... she was truly love at first sight for me, too... took about 30 seconds to know she was what i wanted... it took about a minute to know i wanted to grow old with her... it took 3 weeks to get her attention and make her acquaintance... and i'd like to spend an eternity getting to know and love her more than i already do...

    thank you soooo much for your kind words and encouragement... i feel a bit guilty as it should be the other way around... i do try my best to lend the same when i feel i have something worth saying...i WILL hang in there, because i dont know what else to do... because i love her more than anyone i've ever loved in my life before... and i never, ever will quit on her... she'll have to tell me to take a hike before i'll ever not be true to my word... a dream like this comes but once in a lifetime... the magic i have found in her eyes and her smile are what i've dreamed my whole life for... and she WILL know at least one thing about me if for nothing else...

    i WILL stand by her... always and forever...

    the rest is up to God, her will, and chemistry....
    i'm already "there"... :)
    thought you were long winded?...lol...

    anyway, my best to you and your family... and consider that not a day goes by that i dont say a prayer for you all...

    i came here for one...
    i stay here for all...

    God bless...
    gentle hugs and the such...
    p.s. it ain't easy, is it... from either side of the "fence"... but the revelation in your words and of the others that have spoken in regards to my words is that if you love somebody... good days, bad days... sickness and health, etc. ... if you "really" love somebody, then listening, support, and patience will go a long way...and being who you really are... these are the things that "eternity" is made of...
    may we "all" find the balance...
    may we all find love, whatever we conceive it to be... :)
    [This Message was Edited on 05/23/2003]
    [This Message was Edited on 05/24/2003]
  4. dsames

    dsames New Member

    What a a beautiful heartfelt loving post, I feel guilty for reading it, but I just had to tell you, my prayers are with you.

    If your beloved could see this post, I know her heart would melt within her, to be loved as much as you love her.

    Hang in there, God works in mysterious ways His wonders to perform, if she is meant for you, it will work out in His time.
  5. tansy

    tansy New Member

    I too read your posts. What a wonderful, warm, and loving partner you are. You're concerns are so genuine and I can empathise with your fustrations too.

    I have had this DD a long time pretty severely too. I don't withdraw for long but I know I need my days of peace and tranquility to allow my brain to recover when it's been overworked, in my case it doesn't take much!

    And Mary as warm and generous as always. Bless you.


  6. northlass

    northlass New Member

    will some 1 please tell me what this bumping thing is heheh mary will tell you i confuse everyone i usually meet, takes a bit longer to sink in than most xxx sam
  7. tansy

    tansy New Member

    BUMP confused me too when I first joined the board. My brain's slow to suss things too.

    People use bump to bring a topic back onto the first page. You just need to type into the title box and then write bump, or similar, in the message box.


  8. Princessraye

    Princessraye New Member

    Geez , hearing about James and Phil makes me thing maybe I should try dating again. Maybe there is someone out there who would love me even though the only thing I have to give is being a loyal partner. Thanks for the hope !
    You are all in my prayers.
  9. jamedw1

    jamedw1 New Member

    it's ed..... (jamedw1 is my son... james edward, the 1st, of course...lol)...
    but your words are most encouraging and allows me to find the strength to be "strong"... and inspirational to help me find the right words, the proper patience, and the resolve to follow through on something that means the world to me...

    thank you all...
    ed... (lol, not james...lol)...
    [This Message was Edited on 05/23/2003]
  10. northlass

    northlass New Member

    Tansey thanks for letting me know what bumping meant lol xxxxx sam