Jokes and Silly Pictures, Humorous stories etc.

Discussion in 'Homebound/Bedbound' started by Willow77, Nov 9, 2015.

  1. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

    Please, someone help me think up an easier name to describe this thread. What I would like it to be is clean jokes, funny anecdotes or things that happened to you. Funny pictures also.

    I want this to be a place to come and have a good laugh. I don't know if it is allowed but links to sites that have jokes and humor would be good too.

    In pain class, (group therapy) we were told to do 5 things everyday that made us happy. I always enjoyed reading Reader's Digest jokes and the comics in the newspaper so I thought I would look up jokes for one of my things that make me happy. Now I have 4 more things to do.

    Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta

    Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator

    Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!

    source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/cleanjokes.html
    gb66 likes this.
  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Hey Willow,

    Remember the old Reader's Digest? It had no ads. The table
    of contents was printed on the front cover. And always the best
    jokes and anecdotes.You posted three riddles I never heard before.
    I especially like the one about the alligator.

    And speaking of which, I just started reading Homer Hickam's novel
    "Carrying Albert Home". Albert is an alligator. Homer is a retired
    rocket scientist; now an author. I think the funniest story I ever read
    was The Night the Bed Fell by James Thurber. It has entertained me
    for over half a century.

    Here are a couple somewhat more difficult riddles.
    A bus driver was heading down a street in Delhi. He went right past a
    stop sign without stopping, he turned left where there was a 'no left
    turn' sign and he went the wrong way on a one-way street. Then he
    went on the left side of the road past a cop car. Still - he didn't break
    any traffic laws. Why not?

    How many of each animal did Moses have on his ark?


    Rock

    OK, I posted the URL for the short story, but it doesn't work.
    The system seems to have been changed. If you're curious,
    you'll have to do a search. Not hard to do, of course.

  3. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

    I got the one about the ark it was 0. Noah built the ark. Moses led the Jews out of Egypt to the promised land.

    My computer went into whatever where the pretty picture comes up and I have to put my password in again while I was thinking about the bus and the only thing I can think of is . Do they drive on a different side of the road in Delhi and do they have traffic laws. Beyond that I can't reason my way to that answer.

    Is this the story you were talking about Rock.
    http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/1933/07/08/my-life-and-hard-times-i-the-night-the-bed-fell

    New vocabulary word from the short story
    verisimilitude
    noun

    1.
    the appearance or semblance of truth; likelihood; probability:
    The play lacked verisimilitude.
    2.
    something, as an assertion, having merely the appearance of truth.
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2015
  4. gb66

    gb66 Well-Known Member

    Maybe the bus driver was walking? GB
  5. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

    Ha ha, GB I bet you are right. I never would have got that.
    gb66 likes this.
  6. gb66

    gb66 Well-Known Member

    Games for CFS/FM folks to play!

    Hide and Sleep

    Spin the Mylanta Bottle

    Ping (too tired to Pong)

    Ring Around the Bathtub

    Online Tag

    Wheel of Misfortune

    Musical Wheelchairs

    Pick Up Sticks (After my nap)

    Range Rover, Range Rover Did You Run Me Over?

    Bufferin, Bufferin, Who's got the Bufferin?
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2015
  7. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Very good, Willow. It was Noah's ark. You may enter through the
    [​IMG]
    Arc de Triomphe. And you too, GB. Le chauffeur de bus was walking.

    Yup, you found the story, Willow. Read it yet? The book is My Life and Hard
    Times. Has another great story about the day the dam broke.

    I think I've only heard the word verisimilitude once in my life. When I
    was working as a law clerk I filed an affidavit with the court. The
    opposing attorney called and congratulated me on a detail that "added
    a touch of verisimilitude".

    The games you suggested seem apropos to me, GB. We might also
    consider Pass (Out) Word. Non-stop Jeopardy; I've got a secret
    (and mysterious disease). 20 questions about my condition.
    And maybe, People Are Funnier when they're healthier.

    Here's a thought I came across while browsing the net. Hypochondria
    is about the only disease I don't have.

    And to close on a literary (or musical) note, Charles Dickens walks into
    a bar and orders a martini. Bartender asks, "Olive or Twist?"

    Rock
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  8. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

    I was going to put this on the Laughter is the best medicine thread but couldn't find it.

    I read this joke not to long ago and liked it but I don't remember where I read it so you all might have already seen it.


    An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
    Love, Papa
    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Papa,
    Don't dig up that garden. That' s where the bodies are buried.
    Love, Vinnie
    At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Papa,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love you, Vinnie.
    Read more at http://www.sunnyskyz.com/funny-jokes/130/Helping-Papa-in-the-Garden#aYydguUXYUurQS0Z.99
    gb66 likes this.
  9. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Great story, Willow. I think I heard a similar one some decades back.
    Instead of a garden, the cops arrived and chopped up a bunch of logs.
    I'd say a garden has more verisimilitude.

    Here's a few gems from various sites.

    OK, so what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world

    Some gems from medical records:
    On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
    completely disappeared.


    The patient refused an autopsy.

    The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

    And finally, something that is interesting rather than humorous. It
    illustrates how our mind makes sense out of the vast array of data
    constantly flooding in. It also illustrates why proofing is so difficult.



    7H15 M3554G3
    53RV35 7O PR0V3
    H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
    D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
    1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
    1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
    17 WA5 H4RD BU7
    N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
    Y0UR M1ND 1S
    R34D1NG 17
    4U70M471C4LLY
    W17H 0U7 3V3N
    7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
    B3 PROUD! 0NLY
    C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
    R3AD 7H15.
    PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
    U C4N R34D 7H15.


    Rock



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  10. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

    That last one is amazing Rock. I can only read it after the third line.

    Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?

    A: The lid said, "Twist to open."


    Bumper Stickers
    I love animals, they taste great.

    EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.

    EAT BEEF. The West wasn't won eating salad.

    Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

    A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.


    A New Job

    The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket - went in to try out for the job.

    "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

    "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

    "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

    "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

    "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

    Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

    "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

    So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
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  11. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

    [​IMG]
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  12. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Hi Kids
    Here are some quotes from a book I bought at the library sale. I think it
    cost 50 cents.The title is "Women Who Joke Too Much." It contains
    quotes from lottsa funny gals; Zsa Zsa to Roseanne to Miss Piggy.

    When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.
    Sometimes I just go in for an estimate.
    Phyllis Diller

    Dorothy Parker's suggestion for her epitaph. Excuse My Dust.

    No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
    Lily Tomlin

    I took up a collection for a man in our office. But I didn't get enough
    money to buy one.
    Ruth Buzzi

    Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial
    tax cut save you 60 cents?
    Peg Bracken

    A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
    Gloria Steinem

    Rock
  13. Willow77

    Willow77 Active Member

    Rock: I Loved the story you refereed to about the night my father fell out of bed. I have been looking for one to post and so far haven't come up with one as good but I did find this joke.

    A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

    The waitress asked them for their orders.

    The man said, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

    She turned to the ostrich. "What's yours?" she asked the ostrich.

    "I'll have the same," said the ostrich.

    A short time later the waitress returned with the order. "That will be $9.40, please." And the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment.

    The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

    The ostrich said, "I'll have the same."

    Again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two entered again. "The usual?" asked the waitress.

    "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," said the man.

    "Same," said the ostrich.

    Shortly the waitress brought the order and said, "That will be $32.62."

    Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table.

    The waitress could not hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

    "Well," said the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

    "That's brilliant!" said the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

    "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," said the man.

    The waitress asked, "What's with the ostrich?"

    The man sighed, paused and answered, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

    GB: Loved the games you posted. This week for me it was, Bufferin, bufferin who's got the bufferin and spin the bottle of mylanta. Rainy season has finally started in Northern CA and with it the usual migraines that go with it. Once my head gets used to all the barometer swings they should let up. Hope you have been feeling better.
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  14. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Hi Willow

    Yup, James Thurber was one of our great writers. Also a wonderful
    cartoonist. I used to love short stories when I was a kid. They were in
    popular magazines like Saturday Evening Post, Colliers, Ladies Home
    Journal, Boys Life, etc. Some of the authors were famous; also wrote
    newspaper columns or novels or screenplays.

    Modern short stories don't even seem like stories to me. They have no
    structure. Where is the beginning, middle and end? Anyhoo Dorothy
    Parker and Ring Lardner and Edna Ferber all wrote wonderful stories.
    Robert Benchley had some pretty good ones too.

    Great joke you posted. Most long jokes are too long, but this one had
    a punchline worth the wait.

    Here's a horticultural joke I came across recently.
    Two snowmen are standing next to each other in a yard. One says to
    the other, “Funny, I smell carrots too.”

    Did you ever hear the Dorothy Parker story? At the Algonquin Round
    Table she was asked to use the word horticulture in a sentence.
    Dorothy said, "You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make
    her think." Of course all show biz stories have to be taken with a
    large does of salt.

    When I was a kid the grocery stores used to sell salt blocks. They were
    solid salt; about a foot square on each side. The farmers put them in
    the fields for the cattle to lick. After the passage of some time, the blocks
    looked a lot like a sculpture by Henry Moore.

    Rock


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